Stung

So, the concept of a higher power is something that I'm still trying to fully wrap my mind around. I was raised without religion and I'm still trying to figure that out for myself too but a higher power and God feel unrelated to me.

Anyhoo, in my mind, it seems that if you have a higher power and you put your life in your higher power's control (because you can't control much in life anyway, whether you want to or not, so your life is by default in your higher power's control) then isn't the very act of worrying saying that you don't have faith in your higher power? I feel like logically if I fully give in to the concept of a higher power that anytime I catch myself worrying about being late or whether hubs will relapse or whether an earthquake is going to topple my home that I should let the thought go because the act of worrying about that stuff is like saying that my higher power doesn't know what's up.

Does that make sense? I'm a logical thinker and I'm trying to convince myself that anxiety and worrying and control are all for naught where previously I've thought that the more controls that are implemented the better and easier life would be...however that has kind of failed me to a degree at this point. Maybe it's a combination of both? I'm kind of thinking out loud so I apologize if none of that makes sense but I guess I don't really understand how much control I should give to my higher power.

readerbaby71

I think what you're saying makes perfect sense. Regardless of what your higher power is, giving up control and worrying about things that haven't happened yet will bring peace.

FireSprite

I definitely agree that worry is a waste of energy & emotion, but I also know it's easier said than done to just stop doing it at times.

Here's my non-religious POV - I see that 'lapse' of faith more like a very human reaction to a very human experience. I'd love to be perfectly zen about every moment of life but I'm not a perfect soul just yet. Yes, I have faith but I also have other emotions; fear, concern, love - the things that inspire worry to begin with. There's a delicate balance between accepting what is out of your control & becoming utterly passive about life. When I find myself obsessing though, that's a clear sign that I NEED to turn it over to my HP & have been holding onto it too tightly for too long.

So yeah, worrying over whether hurricanes will slam the coasts of FL this summer is a waste of energy, but I'm still a realist that will be stocking up on supplies & staying aware well ahead of storm season. I expect that when DD starts dating or goes off to college I'll have my moments of worry, but then give it over to my HP knowing that I've helped her build a solid, moral foundation to base her decision-making on.

Alwayslookingup

Hi, I am new here and this is my first post, but what you say makes total sense. If we submit all the control to a higher power, then worrying flies in the face of that. Doesn't matter what our higher power is, for me that is Jesus and if I let all the worries of my life get me down, of what good is my faith?

CodeJob

Hi Stung!

I was raised Catholic and Step 3 took me 9 months to work out. I took it seriously and knew formal church was not where my answers were in regards to a HP that I would trust and have a relationship with. My step 2 & 3 notes are here in the step studies & you are welcome to read my summary of me working things out for me.

CodeJob

I pulled this from the worry thread last year I think.

"Worrying is like praying for what you don't want."

ladyscribbler

Well, turning your life over to a HP or letting nature take its course or accepting what the universe sends does not mean we will always be free from worry. It just means that we can turn those worries over to our HP to free our minds for other things.
I tend to worry about the unknown and things I can't control (which as it turns out is most things). An exercise I've found helpful is to write my worries down on a slip of paper and put them in a bottle (an old cut glass Avon perfume bottle, not a liquor bottle, lol). Some people have a box (I've heard it called a God box) that they use for this purpose. Turning those worries over to their higher power. Just write down 'husband relapsing' or 'kid getting in school suspension' (that's one of mine) or 'sharknado' (you have those in CA, right?) on a slip of paper and let it go. I send a message in a bottle to the universe full of the junk that would otherwise keep me up at night and let it go.

OT to alwayslookingup- Hi and welcome! Someone said something very similar to that in my Alanon meeting today. She has such strong faith, I really admire it. I'm still in the process of developing a relationship with my HP. Sounds like you've got a lot of wisdom to share.

ladyscribbler

PS. Stung, are you still cruising around in that sweet Prius?

Stung

CodeJob, I'll go back and read your steps. I went through RCIA 4 years ago and full on became Catholic but Christianity isn't for me, at least right now, and its mostly because of the shame and guilt stuff associated with it. We were attending mass at a local Newman center and I really enjoyed that. Much less judgey and rules focused and much more community based. I don't want to raise my kids to have the guilt and shame that my husband has and he was raised Catholic too. (ETA: my husband is actually considering becoming Buddhist so I am pretty much back to square one with religion again.)

I don't think I even have it in me to be ambivalent about life or planning ahead but I really need to let go of the majority of my fear and worry for the future. The only way that I think I can accomplish that is by having unbridled faith in a higher power. That when worry starts to creep in to my mind (I'm talking about worrying about being 5 minutes late to an appointment and feeling like I need to literally run to be on time, I am over insured so I can let go of the major things like earthquakes...kind of) I can check myself and think 'that's HP territory, simmer down and enjoy life rather than worrying about it.' I don't know how else to allow myself to let things go.

Stung

Ladyscribbler, yes! My husband is getting ready to unload his fancy car (and big stupid car payment) and buy something more economical too. Apparently making good decisions is contagious! ...I have to add though, since I've started my business I've just been saving all of my profit and once my account hits $60k I may go upgrade to a Tesla Model S. Those cars are AMAZING!!!!!!

lillamy

A friend of mine got this advice from his therapist: "Don't wor... No, let me correct that: DO worry! It never worked for anyone else, but maybe it will work for you?"

Letting go of worry - whether it is because you trust that God's got your back or simply because you realize you have no power or control - it's hard. But it's freeing.

And it's also not something you do once and are done with. My pastor told me once that the biggest problem humans have is that we can convince ourselves to "leave out burdens at the foot of the cross" (as us Christians say) --- but then we run back and pick them up again because we're not quite sure God can handle things as well as we can...

Stung

LilAmy, I want the freed up mind space to focus on good stuff and less negative fearful stuff. I just need to and want to change this habitual way of thinking. Kind of like going on a diet and telling yourself over and over again that you do NOT want that ice cream in your freezer because you'd much rather fit into your skinny jeans. I don't want to worry, I'd much rather fully enjoy the present. I think having faith in a higher power is somehow my motivator. I don't know. I do know that just telling myself to stop doing something doesn't work for me. I need a carrot dangled in front of me or what has been much more occurrent in my life is fear of consequences threatening me if I don't do something. Mental clarity/peace is a pretty good motivator.

Florence

I'm an atheist and have been for most of my life. The higher power concept is something I've always struggled with. You know what? I let it go.

What it means to me now is something way more existential. We are only here for a short time, the joys I experience are human and spiritual all at once. I and everyone I love are contradictory and weird, and I love that. I look for peace and goodwill wherever I can find it. Lately, it's in nature, a good song, a bike ride with my kids, the stars at night, a camp fire, beautiful art, and lovely conversation. I seek this daily. This is, whatever it means, my higher power because it takes me out of myself and my problems and gives my life deeper meaning than what's next. Having the confidence to know that I can walk through hell and come out the other side whole and happy. You can do it too.

Stung

Florence, I feel like you are a million steps ahead of me dude. How the heck did you get there?! I'm realizing and accepting that fear is such a central theme in my being and decision making up this point in my life and its such a crappy reason to do things but without the fear I kind of don't know what to do with myself. Like I need something else to believe in because I don't really believe in myself right now or yet. Argh.

I view a higher power as having a personal guardian angel who looks after me but will never show itself to me. I'm not sure if its narcissistic to think that I have my own personal higher power that is so focused on my day to day stuff but that's kind of how I view things at the moment. I don't want to be fear motivated anymore. Now that I'm aware of it I want to just hand my fear to someone else. Having a HP just allows me to internalize it though.

CodeJob

Stung,

Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? I found her discussions in the book on spirituality quite interesting. The movie is awful IMO.

sugarbear1

getting past step 4 (get to at least step 8 or even to step 12) can help you to find that higher power....

Florence

Lots of therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. I was very ready to change my life so it was totally worth the time and money. I just did it, and it took a long time. Don't think that I don't struggle, because I do. I just know what tools work for me in the anxious and fearful moments and I use them. I get eight hours a night, no matter what. I exercise like a fiend. I'm still fat, but I'm strong and fast, and the exercise makes me euphoric. I try to learn new things and make things in addition to keeping up with my regular duties. I taught myself to cook after leaving my alcoholic French chef, and it turns out I'm good at throwing parties. Heeey.

This is all new. I struggled with depression for most of my life. Now I believe it was in direct response to being steeped in and accepting so much toxicity.

And the fear? All my fears basically came to life. I failed in my marriage to my (once) dream guy, I became a single parent again, I lost dozens of friendships, my relationship with my parents fell apart finally, I was completely alone with these two kids who were in crisis too. And man, life went on. And mostly nobody else cared. They had empathy for me, but nobody was going to save me. All the stigmas I was worried about? Nobody really cares about that either. I sometimes joke about collecting babydaddies as a status symbol and I genuinely don't GAF. I love these kids fiercely and anyone who wants to undermine that with parochial nonsense isn't part of Team Florence, you know? So life went on. I got to choose -- how am I going to live now that the house of cards fell down?

What if you aren't perfect? What if you fail? When I embraced that I am already imperfect and that I will absolutely fail, and that these things are okay, I was free.

Florence

Re: the therapy. This was absolutely life-changing for me, and I know that I'm lucky that I found a therapist who was really empathetic and put in the work right alongside me. She modeled appropriate reactions to things I was numb to, told me when things weren't acceptable when I was prepared to keep rolling with the punches, and really hand-held me through the process. But what she told me is that with time there would be a shift in my perception of the circumstances. Just a shift, like the tectonic plates moving under me, and then one day everything would look and feel different. I was like, whatever, hippie. But I did the work. Then one day everything shifted and I could, for whatever reason, see the wreckage behind me, my responsibility in it, the sickness of my parents and their mental health, my in-laws, my STBXAH, my poor son, my terrible educational and career and relationship choices. I mean, holy ****. Then the grief started, and I grieved for a long time. There wasn't much about my circumstances that changed -- I'm still a rabble rousing freakbag who had two kids with two jerks, has a fraught relationship with her family, and had a very dark past. The difference is that those things usually don't define me at all. I am other things -- my life is not that.

I think you're further than you think you are. You already see the wreckage, you already get boundaries. The question is what to do about it now, if anything. Just keep working at it. Feel the feelings.

CodeJob

Wow Florence!

FireSprite

Amen, Florence!