carmen220

I've been dating my ABF for about a year now. I hate that he has this problem, as I've never wanted this in my relationship. I don't even drink at all and rarely ever have. I've tried to make the best of it, but know that there are limitations.

I keep my guard up and try to be aware of what falls into "alcoholic" thinking/behaving vs his own (sober) thinking/behaving.

Problem is, I start to forget what's normal.

Part of keeping my guard up is that I don't see him very often and we don't live together. That way, I enjoy the good parts (for the most part; or at least I try). This way, I almost forget that the problem exist.

Here is my question about normalcy (since I am starting to forget).

When we started dating, I learneded one characteristic of this disease is borrowing money. He borrowed from his friends, family and anyone that he could. I tried to tell myself he's just having a difficult time, however, it seems to be a part of his moral philosophy and belief system; that borrowing money is okay. I've always thought that asking other's for money is morally wrong, if you can help it. I have never asked him for money, so why is he now asking me.

He comes up with "good" reasons, but he has usually asked several other people and he's not using it for what he claims to be using it for.

early on, he'd usually imply that he wanted to split the bill or want me to pay, which made me feel that I was not experiencing the usual courting; but I just thought that he's having a hard time and said, lets just not go anywhere if we don't have money.

I am not financially in the position to give money, but even if I were, it's insulting to be asked, unless I offer.

His belief is that a couple "share things (money)and even if they don't have it, use a credit card". I don't remember this type of sharing with my past boyfriends; they treated me like a lady and I felt like one, but I never asked them or expected anything from them, other than their company, friendship and love.

He knows that I am fearful of finances. I don't have an income right now, but I have good credit. He ruined his. He always says, "well, even if you don't have an income, you have a credit card" and therefore I should "share" this with him. No matter how "small" the amount, I fear that opening that door is going to add me to the list of those he borrows from.

If he weren't an A, I probably wouldn't be so guarded in this area. Plus, exes in my past have never been so blunt to demand it from me either.

So, again, I'm beginning to forget what's normal.

He says, 50/50 ... that couples share. that's what couples do.

We aren't engaged or married; I'm a bit nervous of doing so.

Am I being selfish, as he tries to claim, or should I be cautious about this. Are couple supposed to be 50/50 sharing money when one is an A?

Just wanted feedback. Thanks!

AmandaOliver

I don't think you are being selfish. You deserve to be courted at least in the beginning and then if things get serious maybe then do 50/50 or you pay once in a while. I know some people think it should always be 50/50. But no matter what, he should not be borrowing money from you! That is a big red flag.

My XABF had a slew of financial problems...first became obvious when he ran out of money on vacation and had to have his son wire him money...then his house went into foreclosure...he would run out of money and not pay his car insurance and just drive without insurance...he would just not pay bills and let them go to collection. But he has never asked me to borrow money. However, he was cheap and never treated me the way I wanted, we never went to nice restaurants, nor did he splurge on gifts or anything ever. At the same time, I was always the one giving.

I think Alcoholics are very good at taking and not so much at the giving. And they are very self absorbed. Just my experience. I would not loan him money though. Unless you don't mind if he never pays it back. I would especially be careful about the credit card and don't allow him to use it or add him as another user on the account. He could end up ruining your credit.

Recovering2

Alcoholics are selfish by nature. They will take and take and take. If you don't go along with them, then the problem is you. Having said that, his money issue may have nothing to do with his alcoholism.

It doesn't matter. It makes you uncomfortable, and it's not what you want in a relationship. It's okay to say "no". I learned early on in a family recovery program: "No" is a complete sentence. We can feel comfortable saying no to requests/demands etc from others. We don't need to justify/explain/rationalize our answer. If the other person doesn't respect our answer, that's their problem. With A's, it is especially important to keep your boundary and stick to your guns.

You're only a year in. You don't live together, have kids etc. He has ruined credit, is an alcoholic, you're forgetting normalcy. Is that what you want for your future? My best advice is to cut ties now, before you find yourself trapped in the merry-go-round of this disease.

marie1960

A good, safe indicator of future behavior , is past behavior.

So This guy makes a habit, of borrowing money from people. Does he pay them back?

You state you are in no position to be borrowing him money, that is your answer. You do not need to substitute your good judgement, for his.

Personally, I do not see this as "normal" I see an alkie trying to manipulate you and your finances.

He will suck the last dime right out of you , if you allow it.

Protect you and your finances first, if it were me, I'd be running in the opposite direction, I'm just not seeing a secure future with this guy...........

spookyboo22

My ABF is the same. When he has money he blows it all really quick. He has borrowed money off me before a couple of times. It was a nightmare getting it back and i would just deny having any to spare if he asked again.
He mooches in other ways now. He eats good food at my place and enjoys all home comforts but doesnt buy me anything...not even a cheap bunch of flowers to say thanks. He hasnt even done the dishes.
I think A's are users... please dont give him any money x

ladyscribbler

Alcoholism is progressive and he is already spending more money than he has in order to maintain his drinking.
Borrowing means you pay the other person back. Something about his "what's yours is mine" attitude tells me he will not be doing that. Because you're a couple, and to him that means he is entitled to everything that is yours while he contributes nothing to the relationship because he is too busy feeding his disease.
This is normal for your relationship with this man, who is an alcoholic. This behavior is not normal in a healthy relationship. The guilt trip is a red flag. He is not respecting the boundary you have set. Only you can decide if you will accept disrespect and childish whining in place of real love.

Raider

Run now!!!

Thinking

All your instincts are telling this wrong because it is!

You seem so lovely. I'm sure lots of men are interested in you. Have you considered finishing this relationship?

LadyinBC

Us alcoholics count on you "making the best of it". You forgetting what normal really is? Well we count on that too. You have money and we don't? You have good credit and credit cards and we don't? That is just another plus.

Please go back and read the posts that you posted here when you started. Can you not see how he is manipulating you?

The best thing you can do for yourself is to get as far away from this man as you can. This is just my honest opinion of course.

Fandy

He is sponging off of his friends and family and you too.
what a prize!
This man makes you anxious and uncomfortable, get away from him, protect your credit, it will sustain you a lot more than him.
He is real good at wanting to spend your resources, why not, he is getting a free ride?
I had a bf once like this...the words "I'm a little short" will be engraved on his headstone.

tjol81

I've been in exactly the same situation as you're in now. When I met my XAF, I had savings and an excellent credit rating and was very financially sound. I knew what I did and didn't have. At the beginning, I used to give him money instead of seeing him "suffer" through all the tears. I had unquestionable faith in him getting sober and paying me back. I bought him £1,000 worth of tools so he could start his own business, I paid his insurances, I paid off his debts And I paid his rent when he got kicked out of home. I always just said "pay me back when you're better". I bankrupt myself to keep him afloat. A few months ago, my circumstances changed and I needed money to pay my bills. He'd been sober for a month, was debt free and up-to-date on his bills and was telling me he had spare cash too. I told him my situation and he said he didn't have any spare money to give me to help. He then went out and spent £125 on new clothes and shoes and went on a night out. When I said I thought that was unfair as I REALLY needed the money, he got angry and threatening and cut me off!

He's now trying a 90 days sober thing with the AA, and has totally cut me off still owing me £3,500. Do not start lending money to you ABF as he will play dirty and just take what he can get. I was used as a meal ticket until I got too "demanding". Your money is YOUR money. Every penny you give is a penny you've lost! It's not nice to hear, I know, but his disease has no guilt or shame. Stay strong and don't ever be afraid to say no.

FeelingGreat

Hi, I feel the same way as you, that there's something very wrong about continuously mooching on people. If you ever do 'lend' him money, better not count on ever getting it back. As for sharing 50/50, has he ever given you anything or is it all one way?

embraced2000

even if this guy is not an alcoholic, are his characteristic traits that he is displaying what you admire in a potential boyfriend/friend/mate?

run. you have very little emotional investment in this guy so far. run.

redatlanta

Dear, this isn't a relationship - its a job. BF is scrounging amongst a group of people to pay his bills including you.

A whole relationship doesn't exist on only seeing that person in good times. You are nixing out the most important part of his life which is alcohol. 50/50 does not make a relationship. 100/100 makes a relationship. Yours is 100/0. Move along before you end up broke with destroyed credit.

gaffo

To quote Obi Wan Kenobi:
"Run, Luke, Run!"

hopeful4

Truly you need to get away now. This will progress. I am sorry.


XXX

Blossom717

Before my current abf, I dated another A. (At least I'm consistent, right? )

He was always borrowing money. from everyone, and if they didn't give it to him he'd turn into a brat. When we started dating I had a few hundred dollars saved up and I was earning good credit (I was 20, so still didn't have a lot of credit). We only dated for 6 months, and by the end of our relationship I was in about 8,000 worth of debt that I wouldn't have acquired otherwise. He conviced me to apply for various credit cards, I put his bills in my name (he had bad credit) and he basically used me until I had nothing left to give.

Don't do it. Its not okay, not one bit.

SparkleKitty

I've been entwined with two A's in my life, my mother and my XABF. My mother was and is amazing with money responsibility. My XABF was a train wreck. I don't know if being bad with money is related to alcoholism. It's my belief that people who are irresponsible with money (their own and others) are that way regardless of any other issues. I wouldn't blame his borrowing money and not caring about paying it back on his drinking; it is safer to assume that's just who he is and act accordingly.

Actually that goes for everything about him, not just this. He repeatedly shows you who he is and what his priorities are -- believe him!

NYCDoglvr

The thing to understand is you don't have to have a relationship with an alcoholic, you can instead choose someone who treats you with respect. That's what I think of as normal (or healthy). What helped me get out of a destructive relationship with an addict is Alanon, a 12 Step recovery program for codependents.

AnvilheadII

sounds like he was just looking for another branch of the Bank of Others to draw from. use YOUR money, YOUR credit cards and then toss out how couples share 50/50. what a load of BS. where's HIS 50%???

you have every right to be on alert - there are many RED FLAGS flying in the breeze here. it's good you are seeing them.