EmmyG

I'm nearly a month into the separation from AH. Things are getting easier. He hasn't drank since I left and he's been there for the boys. I let them stay with him this past weekend. He actually kept them on their sleep schedule and took them to the park. They were in great moods and both said they had a good weekend. I had my first night completely alone...I was bummed for about 30 minutes, and then looked around and realized I had the whole evening to myself and I should enjoy it, so I did! I also met a friend for lunch on Sunday and it was really nice.

AH hasn't been bothering me at all. He hasn't shown up at the apartment other than to slip some extra money under the door to help out last week. We aren't really speaking too much other than re: the kids.

I'm feeling okay actually. I didn't get that job I was excited about (made it to top 3 candidates, darn it!) but I'm not letting it bum me out too much. I registered for classes yesterday, starting this summer.

Lately, I feel really overwhelmed by bad news. Mainly anything involving child abuse. I have been increasingly sensitive to it, probably since I had kids. It's intense. I feel like it's weird/not normal. No one else I know does that. If I read something awful, I can't even sleep that night. I just keep thinking about it. Then I think of all the children in the world who are in those situations and how they are helpless and I wish I could save them all. I grew up in a very religious environment, and I have been disconnected from that for almost ten years. I find it really hard to feel a connection to God or even believe anymore, especially because I don't feel my questions about these things were ever answered in a believable way. I am trying to be the best mom I can possibly be right now, and that gives me some comfort. I just wish I could shut those feelings off! I think about just burying my head in the sand and not reading the news anymore, but then that seems like a cop-out. Does this sound like anxiety? Our new insurance kicks in on May 1, and I'm going to try a new therapist and try to work on this stuff.

lillamy

So here's how I look at it:
How does it help the children who are being abused that you are reading about them and becoming anxiety ridden and stressed out? It doesn't, does it? I mean, it would be another thing if you were single and childless and you read this and it led you to going to Africa as a missionary -- but your mission right now is right at home, caring for your own children.

I noticed I react similarly to news about abused women and children. I think it's because I haven't completely processed the abuse the kids and I went through. But it's too "dangerous" for me to contemplate what it did to me -- but it's "safe" for me to have feelings of deep sadness and helplessness about children in a country (or state) far far away from me.

I felt like you, as if I had an obligation to read the news every day to stay on top of what's going on in the world. I have several times weeded out any pages (or people) on Facebook that are news-related (that way, I can choose what I see -- it doesn't just pop up in my face). I disconnected the cable and stopped the newspaper. I listen to music stations that don't have news. I haven't become a total hermit, but I choose what and when I read the news. When I'm feeling vulnerable, I just ignore the world -- like I said, it's not like me reading the news changes anything anyway. Other than makes me anxious.

And about God: I grew up in the church, too. And I was so angry at God for letting what happened to me happen that I basically didn't want to talk to him. I felt that he had let me down. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that God had never blocked the way out for me -- I did that all by myself. I think I for the longest time imagined that God would be angry at me for leaving AXH. That he had given me AXH as a cross to bear.

The faith I have come to now tells me God would no more want me to remain in an abusive relationship than I would want my children to stay with an abuser.

hopeful4

I understand my friend. I too am sensitive to things about alcoholism, abuse, etc. Once you become so aware of it you realize that it is all around us, everywhere. That is a scary thing.

I also want to tell you as a manager we have went back later and hired top candidates we had previously interviewed. So don't give up. And it's always good to have interviews to keep you sharp. So glad to hear you are going to start classes and therapy.

You can do this, I know you can!!!

Big Tight Hugs!

HealingWillCome

This was my experience, too. Before, during, and after. I made choices (free will) that I knew deep down were bad for me, but went ahead and ignored the red flags anyway. You could say the red flags were a gift from God that I chose not to receive. It has taken me time to forgive myself for my poor choices. I'm much harder on myself than God has ever been.

FeelingGreat

Hi Emmy, it's natural to feel upset about the horrible things that are happening in the world, but when you're staying awake at night it's an indication that your psyche is not in balance. Obsessive thoughts don't help anyone.
I've been there myself when I was in my 20s, and I now recognise that I was depressed. I got over it naturally in time. You're going through a tough time and a major change in life, and I think your thoughts reflect your anxiety. Talking it over with your new therapist is a great idea.
BTW, by way of guilt offset I sponsor a child in Senegal, and give to another charity for the homeless. I wasn't in a position to do this years ago, but it helps now.

unsureoffuture

Hi Emmy,

It's normal to be more sensitive to painful topics when you are healing because you are more vulnerable yourself right now. Obviously the turmoil in your marriage and separation are very traumatic events. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself the time you need to heal. The new therapist sounds like a great way to start. Focus your energy on the positives instead of the negatives. Consider a gratitude journal. Read inspirational quotes. Look for the joy in everything and treat your self kindly. That is what I am trying to do right now myself. I understand how you feel since I work in the field of child abuse and have to see it everyday. Fortunately I also get to see how these families are helped and it is recognized and corrected so that no one else is harmed. Not all child abuse has a sad ending. It's great to hear that your kids had a great weekend with their father and he is not drinking. That in itself is a blessing. Take care

NYCDoglvr

In the past when I've been unable to deal with a major problem that's in my face I gravitate to something bad outside myself as a threat (what if I loose my job? get cancer? have an accident?) When I can handle the pain, get a bit of distance, I deal with what's really wrong.

Thumper

^^ I do this too. Well I don't worry so much about things like accidents etc. but I hyper focus on things outside myself.

I also don't watch much news and totally hide Facebook friends that for some inexplicable reason, feel the need to re-post every horrendous, heart breaking, tragic story they read. I don't get it. I fill my Facebook feed with friends and pages that post uplifting, funny, or health/fitness related stuff.