Courtney27

Hi Im new to this site and am very new to reaching out for advise and guidance.
I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years now. I am at the point in the
Relationship where Im depressed all of the time, lonley and question. What's
Wrong with me, even though I realize his addiction is the only problem.
I done everything from dumping out hidden bottles, take whatever money he has and
Hidden it, take him to inpatient rehab and come to find out he checked out
the next day. Im yelled at for helping. Emotionally I've been abused and any hope for
happiness has been stolen from me by him and his addiction. Long story short I continue
to get treated like nothing. When he gives up and ignores me for days or even weeks
he only sucks me back in at his convenience. I love this man so much and pray he
Will one day change. But its the same abusive cycle everytime. I find it difficult
to worry about myself because of my own insecurities. Im so exhausted. Right now
Currently we are taking time apart and its been 4 days. He's apparently been out and
Doing his own thing. I find myself calling him crying and just confused and hurt
by him not showing any passion or fighting to be with me. Im so scared to be without
Him..he's my best friend. But tired of obsessing. Would appreciate some guidance

Ofelie

Walk away. Maybe even run. Let go of this man and focus on you. It sounds like you maybe stopped doing that along the way. I know it isn't this simple but right now....maybe going no contact would be really really good for you. Space to clear your head, distance to get some clarity. That seems to be the biggest, hugest step that will help. Get a big buffer zone between you and him..and suddenly the light bulb is gonna come on for you. You will start realizing all sorts of stuff, about you, about him, and you are going to realize you deserve so so so much better. If he has not changed after three years....he isn't gonna... except for the worse, I'd say and you don't want to be around for that. Trust me on this, I have been there, done that.
Its really important to realize that sometimes no matter how much we love someone they can be toxic for us. When someone sucks the life out of you, then no matter how much you love them you gotta walk away. I am learning this too. I am just a bit further along, but its a hard lesson I am having to accept. I promise you, it will get better as time goes on, it won't always feel like you are dying inside because you are apart from him. It does get better. Its not easy, but it is doable. You can do this, you can get through this, I promise. There is this thing these alcoholics do, and that is they just sort of waltz away from us, forget us, move on, as if we just weren't that important, and we are left in crumpled bits on the ground, broken and destroyed. Its frustrating. It hurts. It makes no sense to me, but unfortunately, that is how they are. In the end, instead of worrying about why he isn't fighting to be with you, that question will not ever get answered, it didn't for me. Instead of that, focus on what you need. What will make you happy. What future, what goals do you have for YOU. Work on you, honey. Let go of HIM.

littlesister1

No - he is not your best friend. He is no friend at all.

You are his doormat and he all he cares about is his booze.

azbluesgal

so refreshing to see people telling it like it is...Domestic Violence is NO JOKE and probably 99.9% of the time involves alcohol or illegal stimulants. YOU need to take care of yourself. Please!

Raider

Whoa Courtney! Leave. Leave now.

Courtney27

Wow, your thoughts on my situation are more than appreciated. It
definitely makes me feel a bit better knowing that others can relate and give
Helpful advise. Even though its still fresh, I have hope for my own happiness
Its just difficult to imagine my life without him...which im sure alot can understand
Writing down my thoughts is very therapeutic for me so I think I will be reaching
out alot more on here. Thank you all again for your honesty and advise. Means a lot

meggygoround30

Please leave! Spend time with people who truly love you so you remember you are worth so much more! I was in your shoes just a few weeks ago and I really didn't know if I could live without him. Like you and him, we were best friends. It's very confusing to love someone so much when they treat you so badly (with moments of affection). But you are SO MUCH STRONGER than you realize. I promise. Definitely reach out to a support group in your area. You need to realize he has his own demons and he is his own worst enemy. It's sad and extremely hard to walk away, but you will be so much happier walking away with your life. You deserve so much better!

missboots

Your life with him, in your words: scared, confused, exhausted, abused, insecurities.
You are so much better than that!
Take it from someone who married into an alcoholic mess. You can have a beautiful life. Keep coming back here to people who actually care.

Courtney27

You all give me hope. Going to take it one day at a time. Thank you very much

mejo

Run, run, run!! He will take every ounce of your being. Mine is in recovery right now. I have been doing this same cycle you speak of for 10 years. I finally ended up in the hospital because I could no longer continue this life of being shattered and destroyed. I was meshed with him and obsessed about him. Was he okay, was he drinking, who was he sleeping with...omg, please just get out. ♡Get yourself healthy again and then find someone healthy. You will be okay. I promise.

blake1989

Hey. When I joined this site I was where you are. Fear and confusion, mixed with all those 'good' times right? And she was my 'best' friend for life too. She always said I was her best friend. And I treated her like my best friend, better than best. I felt like there must be a secret handshake or code language I was not privy to when people told me 'Run. Now'. And here I am...hoping you run.

There's no secret handshake. But this was one of the first things that ever got through to me in the FOG: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

mejo

Thank you so much blake1989! That is an awesome post, and one we the love ones need to read.

Refiner

Why? He won't. Why? That's sad.

amy55

Courtney,

Hi, and welcome to SR. Can we talk, I don't want to tell you what to do. I think when you came here looking for help, I think that you already knew what the responses would be.

You told us, he is an alcoholic, he is emotionally abusive to you, he lies to you, he at times treats you like you don't exist, but he is your best friend.

I was married to someone like this. Mine also eventually turned to physical abuse, but I still stayed. Why? I don't know.

I appreciate that you are reaching out for help now. I don't think you are reaching out for help for him, I think that you might be coming to the realization that you can't help him, and you really can't help him. But, you can help you.

I spent too many years trying to come to the realizations that you have already have. I have forgiven my ex, and at times I thank him because without him, I would have never searched out ways to help me.

So, if you want to talk, I'm here for you, and so is SR.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Courtney27

Amy, thank you for your thoughts. You are right. I did know what the responses Would
Be...LEAVE HIM! I've always known that. At the beginning I had hope and as
time grew that hope slowly faded. By that time I was in too deep. I've lost our place
my job, myself period by consuming him for so long. My parents have been married for
35 years..seeing that I've always had the mentality of never give up without
a fight. I fought to death for this to work and instead have gotten
abused physically and emotionally. I know what I have to do..I am currently ignoring
His calls. I guess I was really looking for motivation, hope and to realize im not alone.
This forum has given me the boost I need. I do know I've got a long road to
recovery..Being without him makes my future look alot more promising.

amy55

Courtney, I'm here for you, and I am listening to you.

Maybe what you need is to read some stories that are here on this website, maybe you need to do some therapy for yourself, maybe some self help books.

I think the reason I am mentioning this, is because I did all of this. I just did it all the wrong way. I am the little miss fix it. I was doing all that and researching everything trying to fix him, and not me.

I was married way too long. Over 27 years. I developed PTSD by doing things my way. I had a one track mind, and I was obsessed with how to fix him.

Once I was able to give that up, I was able to apply the self-help that I was seeking for him, and then I started to apply it to myself.

Sometimes, I think that all of my obsession with what I was doing, was just obsession. When I sat myself down to actually sit down and think about things, and I asked myself, "Are you doing this because you love him, or are you doing this because you want to fix things, and that you want to feel right about yourself?" I couldn't answer that question. I truthfully could not say that I loved him. I love him as a person, but could I ever spend the rest of my life with him the way that he treated me? Those were the hard questions that I had to ask myself so that I could give up my obsession.

I'm not saying this is the same for you, but I am listening to you.

((((((((hugs))))))))

PS---- I just read that again, and maybe it didn't make sense.

In short, I became so obsessed with fixing him, that I forgot to think about how I was feeling in the relationship.

Recovering2

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. I poured out liquor, threw out bottles, his his wallet, hid his car keys, etc etc etc. Did it stop him? Of course not. All it did was stress ME out, give ME headaches/nausea/insomnia. I was the "bitch". I became ill from it all. We get so enmeshed in the A's life, it's hard to see that we can survive quite well without them.

We have no control over their drinking. And, truthfully, they have the right to decide whether they drink or not. But we CAN decide what we want for our own lives. Just because they drink and abuse, does not mean we have to accept this as our life path.

You are not married, I'm guessing you don't have kids. Now is the time to decide if this is the life you envision for yourself. It's a progressive disease, so he will get worse over time. Your relationship is not going to get better. If he does at some point seek recovery, take it from me....it's a LOOOOONG hard road.

Learn all you can. Seriously consider finding an AlAnon group near you. You will find great support in making decisions that focus on YOU, not the alcoholic.

mejo

I agree so much with Amy. I think we want to hear some words of "he will get better, give it time" but no one is going to say that. They will only get better when they want to. My A has no rock bottom, but I did. A mental institution, thinking the only way out was to die and leave my three children without me. As I write this I feel stupid, but PTSD will change you and that's were you are headed. I am so sorry we cannot say anything positive. I don't know why my A checked into treatment for the 4th time. I know he has had some sort of spiritual awaking while being there, but do I think this will stick? No. I know that I have time to get myself better while he is there. I just know that I was obsessed with him. Outside of my marriage, I have it all under control, until the day I had a mental breakdown. The mind is very fragile, and I realize that now. I am making better choices on my own, but I am scared.

I am so proud of you for the no contact. Please keep that up. I know it is hard. You cannot change him or fix him. You can only change yourself and fix yourself. Please message me if you need anything or need to talk. We are all here for you and each other.

amy55

mejo, thank you for that beautiful post. Just know that I know, and I want to give you (((((((((((hugs))))))))))).

Courtney along with what mejo said, I also ended up in the hospital. They put it down as a suicide attempt. I was self medicating and taking OTC sleeping pills, I just wanted to make my brain stop, wanted the voices in my head to go away. Ya know, those critizising voices that we hear when being emotionally abused, or when we can't let go of trying to "fix" another person.

One thing that I tried when going NC was, if I ever thought of calling, I would read my journal that I was writing, or I would listen to voicemails where he was saying things to hurt me, or I would play my tape recorder, when I had recorded him during fights that made no sense to me. I recorded them, because I wanted to know if I was "nuts". Then I realized if I called him, I would hear the same, nothing was going to change.

Maybe you are not to that point yet of doubting your own sanity. I was.

On a good note here though, the hospital would only release me if I went to intensive out-patient care. Best thing that happened to me. (lol) It was the beginning of me letting go.

amy55

Courtney, just know, I do appreciate you reaching out. Know that this forum is for you. Know that you can talk about anything here. I'm signing off for the night. Just know that we are all behind you here.