The cycle...
 

You know, the one where someone will act all nice for awhile, but then when you don't do what they want you to do, and they don't get their way, they resort to temper tantrums and name-calling.

yep. know that one.

and the ante just keeps getting raised until the goal is obtained.

what goal????? well, in my experience, my XAH goal always ended in a crazy argument that resulted in him drinking.

cuz I made him do it, don't ya see?

I read a book one time with the title.....I HATE YOU!!! (please don't leave me!)

summed it up for me in just the title.

You cannot control how they act, but you can control how you react, or if you react at all.

XXX

Everytime my ABF is extraordinarily nice, I get a little suspicious...because usually he has a motive. (hey hunny, my buddies are gonna come over for a poker game tomorrow!)

Its the "I was nice to you today, so why can't I go get *********?"

That's abuse.

yeeeeaaahhh.

THAT is a classic Borderline book.

As in Borderline Personality Disorder -- A serious Mental Illness that sometimes tracks along with Alcoholism and Addiction(s). Generally the Borderline is trying to sedate the Mental Illness with the Drug of Choice.

IS THAT what you are dealing with choublak?

Oh yes, I encountered this with my sister on a recent family vacation. I was amazed to see a 40-year-old woman throwing a tantrum to get what she wanted. Let me tell you though, it worked. Sad.

I have a list of likely PD Relatives. No one has an official DX. However, the next generation back has rampant alcoholism, so I am not sure whether I am tracking mental illness or learned behaviors passed down in a multigenerational manner. Could be both I suspect.

Outofthefog.net freaked me out. A lot of behaviors on that listed as abusive are just an ordinary day in my family. I naturally do some of them so maybe I am PD or learned how to play the game? Freaky stuff.

But now I think back at me observing normal families and just being puzzled by them.

Geographic Cure is like an Easter rebirth. Every time I visit I dread the machinations and leaving town as the miles tick away I feel my shoulder tension dissipate.

That's how my mom used to be before I started putting up boundaries with her. It's like constantly dealing with a child. Everything is fine and dandy as long as you give them what they want but the second you stop things become completely uncivilized. My mom has yelled at me on several occasions that I have "ruined" her life.

For folks dealing with this . . . .

the current recommended classic is >>>

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Paul Mason
But I have found this one to be more complete. Covers the Drama Triangle and what to go do with YOUR life, now that you have figured this crap out >>>

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

I'm fond of the slogan: "We're all just doing the best we can with the tools we have."

When someone uses anger or aggression to get what they want, often that's because that's the only tool they have. As long as being nice works, they'll use that tool. When being nice isn't getting them what they want, they resort to throwing a temper tantrum and name calling.

And if that works, they'll keep that tool handy for the next time they aren't getting what they want. :a043:

As long as their action provokes the right re-action, they're satisfied. Just my own theory, but that's why the alcoholic hates it when we go to Al-Anon. We learn to not react and all of a sudden their favorite tool isn't working anymore (maybe after decades of it working just fine), and they are absolutely baffled.

Changed attitudes can aid recovery.