his name was Tom and he was an alcoholic
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Location: southern indiana
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his name was Tom and he was an alcoholic
I finally got the courage to read my XAH obituary from his passing last January.
it was approx. 6 sentences long. date and place of birth and death, 4 survivors, his stint in the armed services.
the last line said, no viewing, services, or burial. cremation was chosen.
his entire obit consisted of approx. the same number of words in the above 3 entries.
short. cold. just stats.
he was 55 years old.
his new wife, whom he had met at yet another detox and rehab, died 2 weeks later.
I have to find some kind of place in my mind to process this and tuck it away.
I have strong resentments that his struggle with addiction is finally over, his peace came with his passing, but all those lives that he became enmeshed are still dealing with the ripple of devastation that was the price of his admission to attempt a relationship with him.
guess I still had expectations based upon my own needs. maybe I needed my ticket punched, validating that the price I paid was worth the cost.
strange feelings. unsettling. no matter how much I feel that I have recovered, I can still experience smack downs.
it was approx. 6 sentences long. date and place of birth and death, 4 survivors, his stint in the armed services.
the last line said, no viewing, services, or burial. cremation was chosen.
his entire obit consisted of approx. the same number of words in the above 3 entries.
short. cold. just stats.
he was 55 years old.
his new wife, whom he had met at yet another detox and rehab, died 2 weeks later.
I have to find some kind of place in my mind to process this and tuck it away.
I have strong resentments that his struggle with addiction is finally over, his peace came with his passing, but all those lives that he became enmeshed are still dealing with the ripple of devastation that was the price of his admission to attempt a relationship with him.
guess I still had expectations based upon my own needs. maybe I needed my ticket punched, validating that the price I paid was worth the cost.
strange feelings. unsettling. no matter how much I feel that I have recovered, I can still experience smack downs.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
That hits hard. So very sad! I don't know them, but I know you and I know more about alcoholism than I ever wished to. Knowledge is strength and power, but it doesn't take all the hurt away.
I hope you and all who knew him find peace. Was there a time he wasn't battling something? Did he ever have a loved pet or do you have a good memory of him to share? In the midst of turmoil, it's okay to remember the glimmer of something else, if it was ever there.
I hope you and all who knew him find peace. Was there a time he wasn't battling something? Did he ever have a loved pet or do you have a good memory of him to share? In the midst of turmoil, it's okay to remember the glimmer of something else, if it was ever there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
his adult life was a constant cycle of detoxes, rehabs, recovery, rebuilding....only to fall off the radar screen and the edge of the world time and time again.
during the 10 years we were married, he went to at least 8 half-way homes, numerous detox's, countless rehabs and attempts to be in recovery.
he had his glorious moments, but only a few months at a time. he could suit up and show up with the best of them, but couldn't keep his strings pulled tight enough to prosper in the life that he so desired.
he died the way he lived....by his own choices.
his family had totally disconnected from him for their own sanity. his sons never knew him, his friends changed the way most people change their socks.
his connections to life were via the new women he pulled into sanctum of chaos....he imprinted their lives onto his own self perception and he would blend himself into their history, like he had really been there all along. he rode upon the coattails of other women's success stories. until he could not keep up the charade and would crash and burn.
again, and again.
many people loved him at different times....only to be crushed.
the good thing I can take from this is that I was forced to heal myself.
and I know that I am capable of loving again.
during the 10 years we were married, he went to at least 8 half-way homes, numerous detox's, countless rehabs and attempts to be in recovery.
he had his glorious moments, but only a few months at a time. he could suit up and show up with the best of them, but couldn't keep his strings pulled tight enough to prosper in the life that he so desired.
he died the way he lived....by his own choices.
his family had totally disconnected from him for their own sanity. his sons never knew him, his friends changed the way most people change their socks.
his connections to life were via the new women he pulled into sanctum of chaos....he imprinted their lives onto his own self perception and he would blend himself into their history, like he had really been there all along. he rode upon the coattails of other women's success stories. until he could not keep up the charade and would crash and burn.
again, and again.
many people loved him at different times....only to be crushed.
the good thing I can take from this is that I was forced to heal myself.
and I know that I am capable of loving again.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Wow.
Courage is right. It did take courage for you to do that. I can only imagine how you hurt right now. I think part of me knows that I could be facing the same scenario someday. I hope I have you're same courage and grace.
I've always thought what separates us from our addict loved ones is our ability to accept and handle pain. You say it yourself, you have to find some way to process it and tuck it away. I think you'll find a way, but in the meantime I know this has got to be so very, very hard.
Thank you for sharing with us. It means a lot. My thoughts are with you this beautiful spring day. I hope you can find some little something to bring you the serenity you're looking for.
Courage is right. It did take courage for you to do that. I can only imagine how you hurt right now. I think part of me knows that I could be facing the same scenario someday. I hope I have you're same courage and grace.
I've always thought what separates us from our addict loved ones is our ability to accept and handle pain. You say it yourself, you have to find some way to process it and tuck it away. I think you'll find a way, but in the meantime I know this has got to be so very, very hard.
Thank you for sharing with us. It means a lot. My thoughts are with you this beautiful spring day. I hope you can find some little something to bring you the serenity you're looking for.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
the good thing I can take from this is that I was forced to heal myself.
and I know that I am capable of loving again.
and I know that I am capable of loving again.
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