Sunshine Song

I thought I was progressing in my recovery these past 6 weeks. I had started to except the fact that I am powerless over my A's drinking. So when he dissappeared this past weekend and didn't call anyone until Monday, I wasn't upset. I knew he was getting drunk but I tried to continue my life...what could I do...NOTHING!! When he finally called me on Monday, I said, "you know what you need to do." He's since picked up a new comers chip and is dealing with his own demons. Then there's me...I handled him missing this weekend good but it seems this week I've fallen apart. I've regressed (anybody else do that?) I can't explain it really. I feel so depressed, sad and frustrated. I don't know what I'm mad at but I want to blame him for my unhappiness. I know thats not right but that is what I want to do. When we talk now we are both very cold and distant. He says he can't talk to me because I have no idea what he is going through (yet he tells his sister EVERYTHING who worse than I am in enabling him!) It seems like us staying together is stopping us both from a healthy recovery. If we can't communicate what chance do we have? I'm not really posting for anything other than, I need to say what's on my mind or have a breakdown at work (not good in a office to cry at...95% men!)

When do you know if you should look into anti-depressants? I would NEVER commit suicide but lately I've been thinking I'd be better off not around. I'm not seeing any light at the end of my tunnel. Sorry to be so down...it's just one of those weeks!! I hope everyone else is having a better week than me!!!

This is how I feel <img border="0" alt="[Fight]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/fight.gif" />

riverrat75

I know what I have to do now...
I keep breathing
Because tomorrow the sun will rise
And who knows what the tide will bring.

Hi~

I'm pretty new at this so I don't feel comfortable offering advise. I have no wise words as the others here do. But please read and re-read your signature. Tomorrow the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring.

We're all here for you. Maybe a meeting will help. I have one tonight and can't wait to go. I think that there is always light at the end of the tunnel...we just sometimes shut our eyes.

Just for today...
Kristen

bonbon

Sunshine,
I can offer my experience. It was not until last friday that I finally turned to anti-depressants. I have been with my A for 8 years. We also have a child together. He for the last 1/2 a year or so has been using crack and drinking. Recently he started pulling these disapearing acts on me, he is not working, and there has been another woman involved too.

Needless to say, I reached a point where his leaving could not destroy me anymore like I was letting it. I felt horrible about myself, I constantly was obsessing over him and what he was doing, or why he would leave like he has...I was crying un-controllably. It was awful. I made a CHOICE I was not going to feel like that anymore. I knew I needed help, I truly beleive we each have our own times when we KNOW we need medication, or someone to talk too, such as therapy. I just hate I didn't start it sooner.

Since my medication has started working a little bit, I have ALOT more control over my crying, and it seems to me that I am not obsessing about him as much. I still have not heard a word from him, its been almost a week.

In my opinion it is personal choice on how much, or how long you want to feel they way you feel. There is a WORLD of help out there..

Nothing changes if nothing changes.....

Take care..

JT

Even tho you handled him being gone like a trooper you were probably holding your breath all weekend...I think we are talking let down here.

Also someone on this board discribed recovery like the water hitting the beach and the tides..up and down...it is not linear at all.

I know of what you speak regarding depession...personally I managed to pull myself up without meds...and I also had a stress related physical condition as well and it all calmed down working the program. There was a period of time when I went to 4 meetings sometimes in one week...it got me out of the house and into a productive environment...and the coffee after with other Anons.

Alot of people use meds tho...so if you feel the need...but they are not a cure all. Your program is the cure all.

I too have thought of just not being around..not suicide thoughts...just thoughts of disappearing...but it doesn't work that way. We still have to show up...and that is all that is required of us...one day at a time. Don't look back...and don't look ahead...this is all you have right at this moment. And if you let go of what and who you cannot control (which is virtually everyone and everything) the burdon should be light.

((((HUGS)))))

Ann

Hi Sunshine

It is so difficult to give good advice in situations like this. Anti-depressants did't sit well with my body, but I do have an anxiety pill that I take only when I am really rough. I have taken about 30 of 60 I was prescribed the past year. I haven't felt the need to take even one since I hit a bottom about three months ago and started to really work and live my program.

Your doctor can guide you, but if you continue to live as you have been living without changing what you do and how you think, it will continue.

It is no picnic, but just taking at least one baby-step every day will help. JT posted something about working the steps one problem at a time. You can't focus if you keep looking at the whole forest, but bit by bit I promise you will start to feel better, and one day you will look back and say "what was THAT all about?"

I'm going to move a bunch of good recovery stuff to the top. Pick one, any one, but do something good for yourself.