18 months sober
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, gbz--let's see, maybe if we look at your problem like this:
Staying with RAH = definitely unhappy.
Leaving RAH = maybe unhappy, maybe happy.
It seems more clear what to do when you see it that way, doesn't it?
If you "stuck thru the bad times" and now he's sober and the bad times CONTINUE, I'd say that's a pretty darn clear indication that the bad times were not entirely due to alcohol. None of us get a guarantee that the A's sobriety will fix our relationships, only that we will then know that alcohol wasn't the sole problem.
Do you feel that you should stay b/c somehow you're owed something for sticking thru the bad times? I think a lot of us have felt that way too, but again, there is no guarantee that there'll be some kind of reward for "standing by our man" (or woman).
You DO indeed have an opportunity to start over, as you say. And you are the only one who can say when that happens.
Staying with RAH = definitely unhappy.
Leaving RAH = maybe unhappy, maybe happy.
It seems more clear what to do when you see it that way, doesn't it?
If you "stuck thru the bad times" and now he's sober and the bad times CONTINUE, I'd say that's a pretty darn clear indication that the bad times were not entirely due to alcohol. None of us get a guarantee that the A's sobriety will fix our relationships, only that we will then know that alcohol wasn't the sole problem.
Do you feel that you should stay b/c somehow you're owed something for sticking thru the bad times? I think a lot of us have felt that way too, but again, there is no guarantee that there'll be some kind of reward for "standing by our man" (or woman).
You DO indeed have an opportunity to start over, as you say. And you are the only one who can say when that happens.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gbz--the 40's are, on balance, a wonderful decade of life!! It would be a shame, in my opinion, to waste that precious, exciting time based purely on some very unlikely "potential" for happiness in the future.
Right now--what you see is likely what you get.....
dandylion
Right now--what you see is likely what you get.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by gbz 
I fear that he is now the man I wanted and that leaving would be a disservice to myself. But it's clear I have no intimacy and yes we had that issue when alcohol was around but it was masked . We have no guarantee that we get rewarded for standing by our man. But what a waste of time if I think of it any other way.
It's just that there are other - and very important - issues in your marriage that were masked by his drinking. With the mask off, now you see these issues clearly and can move on with your life. If you did not stand by him maybe you would never have seen that. If you left him when he was actively drinking you might wonder forever if you could've been happy if only he'd stop drinking.
Now you know. Only you can decide when and if to end the marriage but from your post it seems pretty clear it's when, and not if. 40 is young! You have many years left to enjoy.
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