readerbaby71

I'm sorry, that sucks. I understand. My dad and I get along but sometimes he just doesn't listen. If I tell him "no" about something he'll keep asking as if he's going to get a different answer each time. It's infuriating!

Stung

Message sent and received. I'm sorry you're dealing with a stressful situation with your dad, Choublak. Boundaries are tough to put into place and even harder to enforce and maintain, especially with family members. Just know that you don't deserve to put up with this crap. It's not fair and it sucks. I wish you could just go to your brother's wedding and have fun and not have to deal with any of the other stuff. Do something nice for yourself today, you deserve it!

choublak

My BF comes from a family where neither parent is dysfunctional, so it's a little hard for him to relate to some things.

choublak

I feel like I'm almost starting to feel a little resentful of my brother for even inviting him to the wedding. I know it's wrong, but it's how I feel. I know that if/when I end up getting married, my father will not be invited to my wedding. I'll walk myself down the aisle and skip the father/daughter dance at the reception.

MesaMan

No snark intended [nor is it ever meant that way] re: your BF. I was just trying to say that he's his own Person; just as surely as you are. Thus, you've got to respond to this dilemma strictly as you. It's what I call 'Individual Sovereignty'. I am my own Person, solely responsible for my well-being, as is my Wife. Not an original concept. Folks on these helpful Threads reiterate this throughout their Posts. In my Values Universe, I've learned that, once I start doing things solely because others want me to, it's gonna go downhill from there.

Your BF being free of dysfunctional background reminds me of all the astounding insights on this Thread below. I'm still picking up my Jaw off the Table after reading all these last night.

Normie Thread

choublak

Well, I'll talk to my brother about this and just see what happens.

choublak

Well, I just texted my mom and told her I don't want to go to the wedding.

choublak

Okay, so according to my brother, my mom and I are staying at the same hotel as my brother. He doesn't know where our dad is staying since he hasn't booked anything yet. The hotel we are staying in is pretty full so he probably won't be able to get a room there.

He didn't say anything about whether my dad knows this or not.

I'm just confused now.

choublak

My brother doesn't seem too worried about it.

Mango blast

How do you feel about it? If you're not sure, it's okay to table this for now -- or even change your mind about it later.

choublak

I don't know...I'm not mad at my brother for inviting our dad. The thing is, his fiance also has divorced parents, and both of them are invited. So maybe (and I'm totally speculating here) my brother figured inviting both divorced parents to a wedding wouldn't be a problem. However, the fiance's parents have been divorced for a long time. Our parents' divorce is still fresh, and our dad is a stalker. He's a stalker, and he's in some kind of denial about his relationship with my mom being over. He texts me things like, "be good to mom" and "tell mom I love her" and can't (or won't) get that my mom just wants to be left alone.

choublak

My brother said he doesn't think my dad will make a scene since there are a lot of people around.

HealingWillCome

Your decision is yours to make, but here is my experience with an uncomfortable family situation.

DD17 is graduating from high school in a month. My alcoholic father will be coming from out of town and staying in our home. I don't like him, don't care to be around him, but I am choosing to be okay with him staying here because it's important to my daughter.

He stayed with us when my oldest graduated three years ago, and I got through it just fine. He isn't a monster, just someone for whom I no longer have respect. He is a much better person than he used to be, and won't hurt my children, so it really is about me setting boundaries to protect myself.

He can't hurt me because I know better now. I am better at owning my own stuff and recognizing his garbage as his own.

Tough time you have ahead. I wish you the best, and will just encourage you to honor yourself and your needs and don't be afraid to enforce your boundaries whether your dad wants to respect them or not. An important boundary for me is not engaging with crazy. I've had to do it with my own dad in the past when he's tried to suck me into feeling sorry for him for things I had nothing to do with. Sorry dad...not my circus, not my monkeys.

choublak

My brother is probably right. I just feel stupid now, for not having thought of that myself. What is wrong with me?

HealingWillCome

Nothing is wrong with you. Your defenses are up because you've had to deal with non-grown-up behavior from your dad. You just don't have to own his stuff even if he does try to stir the pot. It's not your junk to engage in.

marie1960

Just my .02 cents, but it is your brother's day, and what an opportunity both your parents have to set their differences aside, and be there to witness their son's marriage.

How they choose to act/behave is on them. Quite frankly, I would tell them both to suck it up, put there best face forward and smiles everyone, smiles........

It's one day......... Certainly you and your mom can find plenty of other things to do, other than worrying about your dad, and his Bullsh#t.
,
P.S. I also think you are worrying about things that haven't even happened yet, this future tripping has a way of making us doubt, and worry needlessly.

choublak

Update: I know this is an old thread, but I'm having a day. My mom scapegoated me through the whole vacation/wedding. And then justified it by saying she was "frustrated" with me.

wehav2day

Sorry you’re having a bad day.

I hope the wedding went well and you had some fun. I hope your brother’s marriage is wonderful for them.

you’re mom obviously isn’t as “ok” as she would have like folks to think, that’s got to be hard.

but that’s not your fault. You didn’t create that situation. Unless you yourself behaved badly that trip, you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Whatever happened, it’s pretty far past at this point. I hope your mom can heal.

sage1969

I've been thinking about your post . . . I often felt caught between my parents, the one the alcoholic and the other the codependent. I have at this point an arms - length relationship with each. I've felt I've had to do this so that I can continue to heal, stay in recovery, and model healthy behavior and relationships for my children. There are many things my mom has said to me that I had to let go and walk away from, rather than engage in anything that would continue the enabling, codependent, and / or negative / ucky communication.

I'm sorry that this keeps coming up for your mom (and subsequently for you). Is it possible to let this go, as it was so many years ago and it is your mom's memories and feelings not yours, or is it now affecting the relationship between you and your mom? If so, do you feel like you can talk with her in a mutually productive, respectful way?

choublak

I now live in a different state, in a different time zone, so we don’t communicate as often. She would like for me to call her more, but I’m kind of “whatever” at this point. She tends to act like none of this stuff ever happened, and acts all surprised if I assume she’s going to react a certain way.

For example, when I got married four years ago through justice of the peace, I didn’t tell my mom about it. She found out through other relatives who saw posts about it on social media. So she asked me about it, and I told her that I didn’t tell her because I wasn’t sure how she would react. She acted all surprised and said that all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. I bit my tongue, but I feel like that was a lie. Obviously as you can see here, there were more than a few times throughout my life when she didn’t care about my happiness or how I felt. She didn’t care about my happiness when she took all of her anger out on me for any given situation. I kind of want to tell her this but I also feel like it won’t really solve anything as she tends to make excuses (“you don’t understand how frustrating you were to deal with at that time”).

I know to some people it comes off like “oh how horrible that you didn’t even tell your own mother you were getting married” but my own mother can be very mean spirited sometimes.