Mango blast

I'm holding my own, taking care of myself first (super novel idea!) and having a good weekend with our daughter home and our middle son plus one girlfriend. We just got to meet her and I really like her; our son and her are good for each other. 7 yr old son is played out and took a great nap today. Our daughter's husband was able to make a surprise visit (military; in training out of state), so extra special! She went to pick him up and all the older kids will be gone tonight, back tomorrow.

I figured out my needs yesterday.

- Pray.
- Eat well and take my supplements.
- Sleep.

Really that basic. Working on that. The rest are wants and bonus material. I may want to have dishes and laundry done, I may want a lot of other things, but they're off the "to-do" list. Thanks to FireSprite my "2do list" is very manageable and anything else lifts my spirits instead of weighing me down. I don't put my basic needs on it, just two other things I want to accomplish.

My husband is still relapsing. He had a slight dry spell (10 days?) and has been drinking again since Wednesday night. Yesterday I talked with his counselor from rehab and that was good. I'm being open with our kids about Dad's relapse. I'm not going to be held hostage by this; I am able to talk about it. A train wreck is coming. He can't see that but I can. I'm okay. I have options for our youngest son and I. None are great and no savings, but options that are doable and I'm okay with.

Best case scenario is him being back in rehab next week. I have no idea what the chances of that are and am not stressing over it. I'm not going to ride this merry go round and neither will his boss and manager, who may or may not be aware of this yet. I'm guessing they're not. I'm walking around in my own life ready to walk next to him if he decides to get off the carnival ride. Only he can choose to do that. Maybe he'll sober up on his own again, but if he's still drunk come Monday or Tuesday the chances of going to rehab are much higher. That really is where he needs to be. If nothing else, it gives us both a much needed break. I'm thankful for his first rehab for the learning I've done about the disease and mine. It's helped in so many other areas of my life that I never could have imagined! This really is a good weekend in spite of his drinking and a big part of that I owe to his first rehab. If I was like I was a year ago, I would have been stressing about anything and everything. Instead, I'm at peace and enjoying having our family around.

A book for me and the magnesium I need should be delivered anytime by UPS. Life is good.

readerbaby71

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Have a great weekend! xo

SeriousKarma

How you have chosen to treat yourself, by prioritizing your own recovery, is the greatest gift you could ever give to your children. Even the older ones are looking to you're example. Young married couples? Boyfriends and girlfriends? They, especially, can see how you're handling this difficult situation and learn from it.

I know it's not easy, and I'm so sorry your husband is struggling. Still, in spite of that, you have every reason to be so proud of yourself. The seemingly simple act of saying "I'm exhausted. I need to sleep." can be next to impossible when the proverbial carnival is in town. But you're doing that, and more. Amazing. Keep Praying. Keep Eating. Keep Sleeping.

I hope you have an wonderful and serene Easter.

SeriousKarma

...And another thing Keepingtheffaith,

In honor of you, and all the hard work you've done on your own recovery, I am going to march right over to my kitchen cabinet, take down the bottle of disgusting magnesium horse-pill supplements that I have been ignoring for the past few months, stare at them for a few days, and maybe, just maybe, possibly....... take one.

Mango blast

Thanks readerbaby and SK. Yes - basic, yet not easy to always stick to that. It's so good to have people here who understand what a landmark these things are.

We've dyed Easter eggs today. I hid them for DS earlier, now he's been hiding them for us. He has AH looking for them which is beyond interesting. DS has a lot of patience! When AH hid them he forgot where some were. I don't like where he's at, but I'm accepting of how it is. That doesn't negate the fact that changes are coming.

SK, thanks for the grins! I don't even take those horse pills! That's why I've been without. NOW brand magnesium citrate powder, mixed into smoothies. Gave some to DS tonight and the turnaround with him has been great. No longer tired and whiny. If magnesium deficient like DS and I, having it throughout the day can make all the difference in the world.

If you take those pills, I hope they're of good use. I'm not putting them down, just can't swallow them.

FireSprite

Great job looking out for you, KTF!! You are getting stronger & stronger with each update & really paying attention to your needs..... truly inspiring!

Irony for you - I just finished soaking in a hot bath of Epsom salts (magnesium, right?) after my 2nd mini yoga session today & my nap. Last weekend we were all freaking out & going Codie and this weekend we're all centered & focused, yay us!

Mango blast

Yay indeed!! What a wonderful turnaround.

Yep, epsom salt aka magnesium baths all week. They've been helping too. Yoga - fantastic idea I keep forgetting about!

FireSprite

I have been neglecting my yoga so last night I pulled my fave DVD off the shelf & told DD to get her mat & stretch with me because she was bouncing off the walls. (they had standardized testing all week ending that afternoon & she was like raw energy unleashed, ha) The mini-sessions are only 20 mins so afterward we watched Mean Girls followed by Steel Magnolias. We laughed & joked then belly-laughed & cried our eyes out. Total girly night. Tomorrow - easter eggs & baking! Enjoy your holiday!!

P.S. - So glad to hear the "2-do" approach is working for you!

SeriousKarma

Thanks for the Magnesium suggestion.

My daughter is older, so we don't dye and hide eggs anymore, but we still hollow them out and fill them with birdseed. Then on Easter we smash the bejesus out of them with tennis rackets. If we have time we color the hollowed shells before filling with seeds. This year we were too busy so we didn't bother. We've streamlined the process. Now we don't even seal up the hole. They're going to be smashed anyway so why bother. It's an unbelievable amount of fun, sacking those silly eggs. And a great way to burn off stress. Takes about a dozen per person.

NYCDoglvr

Thanks for your message of hope. We can change and grow; it's always easiest to see in other people. Have a terrific weekend!

Mango blast

I started out the day well. Prayer, stretch, good food, supplements.

Started triggering; took garbage to the dump to have some time alone. My thoughts are in a better place now and *just now* I realized what triggered me first this morning and then later. Knowing that is great because it's something I've worked on and know how to deal with! {insert elation!}

I talked to my husband briefly when I got home. I stated that things have to change, that he needs rehab, that something has to give. That somewhere he needs to find how to really give it up. That I can't help him with any of it. That he needs to reach out for help. That going off and on again isn't going to cut it. No more thinking stinkin' thinkin' about when he might relapse, but really wanting in his heart to give it up for good.

Now we all know that was for my own good rather than his. I needed to say it. I have absolutely no control over it. He is able to do whatever he pleases, including drink himself to death. The drive this morning was good for me. I have options. Things I can do for myself. To some they may seem pretty pitiful, but to me they seem like gold. No money in my pocket, but I'm gaining self esteem, backbone and a sense of my self-worth. It may be small, but it's growing stronger -- and on the days I don't feel it I'm likely able to fake it until I am feeling it again. My black cloud days are getting shorter and not lasting as long. I feel like I need a whole one to just let myself be down and recuperate. I'm not sure if it'll be Tues, Wed or Thurs, but I'm planning on setting one of those days aside for just that. Strange to plan for that, but honestly I am tired of being strong all the time. Maybe this is part of putting me first.

I am resourceful. I am strong. I am healthy. I can make good choices. Our son and I will be okay.

Mango blast

I keep having recurring thoughts of "that could have been my life".... good things, different things. Useless thoughts that muck it the progress I'm trying to make.
Any thoughts at all are welcome. I'm not schizo all the time, I'm just feeling that way today.


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edit - and my websites are down.
I <3 hostgator. I know this isn't urgent and it will be resolved. Just sucks when I'm trying to figure out ways to earn an income and my current sites die.

SeriousKarma

What if. What if. What if.....

Sometimes I think that way too, but then I realize that I am who I am today in many ways because of my experiences with this disease, and that isn't a bad thing.

I had a wonderful talk with an Alanon friend the other day. She had a wonderful way of seeing the future as full of possibilities. You even say it yourself in your signature: The sun always rises, and a new day begins. I think this way of thinking does take practice though. And sometimes we need to see ourselves through the eyes of the people in our support system. This woman looked at me, and in all seriousness, listed out all of the great potential she saw in me. Who am I to doubt her? So, I'm telling you, you've got a lot of amazing qualities too, I see them in every one of your posts.

The past is the past. Who you are today is a combination of so many things. Part of that is the struggle that you've gone through with this disease. Is that a bad thing, or is it simply your reality? The choice is yours as to how you move forward with that reality. Just because something has a tortured past doesn't mean it can't have a beautiful future. I traveled through the WWI battlefields of Northern France once. The land there had been decimated by that war. There wasn't a tree left standing. The land pock marked by the blasts. Yet now, beautiful French countryside as far as you can see. Trees. Flowers. Abundant life. The past is honored, but life goes on.

Are you finding yourself becoming resentful? Is that the problem?

Mango blast

Thank you, SK. I really needed to hear that. All of that. My problem is being too much in my head today and not living within the moment. I am who I am because of what I've gone through and am at peace with that much of the time, and even so grateful yesterday for having been to the counseling at family week. It let me be open to someone else who has their own experiences they're dealing. I wouldn't want to trade that. Today the worries have been surfacing a bit and it's best for me to let go of them now instead of letting them get worse.

This perspective greatly helps.

Mango blast

Went to a CR meeting tonight. It was my first and I needed to be there. Talked about myself a bit, listened a lot and got my spiraling today figured out. I'm in a really good place considering what I'm going to have to deal with this week with the fallout of AH's relapse. Changes are coming to my life, whether I'm ready for them or not. More later, off to read to DS.

seek

I love getting my magnesium from Epsom Salts baths - yesterday, I made a special potion of essential oils, and all different kinds of salts and soaked for a good twenty minutes. It made a huge difference in my mood.

Mango blast

I'm at peace tonight. With myself. My life. With my husband. Alcoholism and all. Going to bed to get the much needed sleep.
Happy Easter to all of you here.

seek, I'm a fan of magnesium baths too! I require more than that, yet they are soooo good. I forget to use my essential oils. Sprinkling some on my pillow tonight. Thank you for the reminder of these things.

Mango blast

Best. Easter. Ever.

Kitchen is a mess, DD is baking a 12-egg cake and we ran out of eggs for breakfast, house is a wreck, I am not!, all the kids and I are having a great time. I'm not sure how AH is doing, but it is better than yesterday. We had a good talk last night.

He's re-injured his shoulder in the past couple of days. From the weakness in his arm, chances are he'll need surgery again & 6 months of not using it (ie; no work at all). And quite possibly inpatient rehab for his relapse - he needs it, whether or not he goes remains to be seen. I don't have any answers and yet I'm calm inside. If he's willing to face this and get the professional and medical help he needs, good. It'll still be a tough road. If he won't, I can't control that.

I'm enjoying the day as it is and not stressing about tomorrow. It'll come no matter how I feel about it, so I'm enjoying what I do have. Thankfully, I've really given it up to my HP yet again.

readerbaby71

Happy Easter! I'm really glad you're having a good day. Thanks for always being a source of strength and hope for me. xoxo

HealingWillCome

This is the beauty of finding our own recovery...

I just read through your thread. You are doing beautifully and your posts made me smile.

It's so amazing how when we seek our own recovery, we can find peace in spite of the storm. I am happy for you.

A happy and blessed Easter to you, keepingthefaith.