BoxinRotz

Seems as though we only get up to 15 minutes from time of post to edit it. After that, we are sh!t out of luck.

Pia

I am happy we are not together. I have days I ache for him but then I realize I am aching over a thought a fairytale I read and was promised as a young girl.

The reality is he is a sick sick person and if he had to choose me or him He would choose him over and over again.

FireSprite

I stayed. RAH & I are both working our programs our own way. He is sober about 6 months following his relapse last fall. (Sober 2.5 yrs prior to that)

There have been times when I have most definitely wondered if I'd made the right decision to stay or I've regretted the consequences of staying (mostly financial in my situation, RAH was never violent) but I'm not sure that I regret staying despite it all.

We had a very long stretch of very happy years before alcohol was an issue in our lives - like 13-14 yrs of damn near perfect. In the last 6 months I have seen more growth & progress from him than I saw in the entire 2.5 yrs before, so I have to believe that when he recommitted to sobriety he has approached it somehow differently. We are starting to really be friends again, have better communication, bobble less but recover faster when it does happen. Even with everything we've gone through I've never fallen out of love with him, we've always managed to keep great intimacy.

He has done a lot of healing & quality time with DD mending their relationship this time around as well, truly walking his talk. Their bond has strengthened a lot, I can't deny it.

I don't know what/if anything he is doing differently in his program this time around..... I do not get involved to that detail. I know he attends meetings more regularly and is attending a larger variety of meetings. Since his relapse included a DUI he also has a crapload of legal hoops to jump through which has to be having some impact as well - classes, counseling, a victim impact panel seminar, fines, etc.

I think we would both consider it/us a work in progress, one day, one week at a time. We each still have lots of individual work to do but we're starting (I think) to get to the point of working on us specifically too. Our 20th anniversary is at the end of the summer.

LvWrAM123

With hubby 7 years, married nearly 15. 2 kids-10&7. Over last 10 years it became clear drinking was progressing to alcoholism. He got sober over 2 years ago, with some OP txt, but no AA and phased out aftercare eventually, from weekly to monthly, to no more. Seemed to be doing well. Blew my mind when I learned last October that he had recently secretly relapsed, including an anonymous sexual encounter from Craigslist...WHAT?!? He did a month of IP rehab and has been in recovery since, AA nearly daily, sponsor, steps, ind. counseling, group counseling, etc. Was sober before, but not really in recovery. We have been in marriage counseling last couple months and have had real success in rebuilding our relationship as he works his recovery and I work mine. "It works if you work it" I just finished an 8 week mindfulness group therapy and it has been great for me, among my other efforts. He is happy, I am happy (was nearly impossible to consider that possible a few months ago), and the kids are happy. I know he is not relapse-proof, but he seems to be working on things at a deeper level than I've ever seen, and is really committed, for his own reasons. He really wasn't sure if we/I'd be here when he got out of rehab. I am proud of him. Worry about the future sometimes, but that is where the mindfulness comes in-we've got today and we are both making the best of today, and we'll do it again tomorrow Staying was right for me, because he was/is willing to give it 100%. I also learned a lot when he was gone for a month. I can manage on my own, just fine, if I have too, and I have people who would love and support me if I ever decided to leave him. I have also gotten clear on my boundaries and have communicated those to him-I will NOT live with an active alcoholic, nor will I allow my children to live with and be raised by an alcoholic. Period.

meggygoround30

My XAB and I were together for almost 7 years, so it felt like a marriage. There were a lot of red flags but we were young and he was my first relationship. I found out I was pregnant by him and had an abortion because I had a feeling he was troubled and I wasn't ready. I thought his anger and heavy drinking were just a phase. But turned out he was capable of physical abuse as well as being an alcoholic. I was very naive and thought he would change, I tried everything to try to help him. I was so exhausted. Promises kept breaking. Years went by without getting better, just worse. He hit me in the face back in December and I had him arrested. I don't know why I didn't call the cops every other time, but something in my snapped. I should have left a long time ago. I ignored the bad times and kept my rose tinted glasses on, cherishing the good days that were few and far between. We talked about marriage and children and a house with a white picket fence. But that day I snapped, I came to the realization I couldn't live with him anymore even if he did magically change because he abused me and put me through hell and I couldn't possibly ever have a happy, successful, loving marriage after that with him. Do I feel guilty for leaving? Sometimes. I miss him like crazy at moments, but then I remember what he did to me. I no longer have to live in fear. I may not have $ but at least that's something I can focus on for myself and not driving myself crazy every single day wondering if he lost his job. Not judging people who stay, but that's not something I have the strength to do.

tlm56

I am 13 years married to an AH. He has heart, lung, kidney disease and yet still drinks until he passes out, when he is drinking. He will go months without drinking and then it starts all over and he will drink for weeks to months at a time. He is 64 years old and has no desire to quit. Life is good when he is sober, when he is drinking, I try not to engage in any conversation. He is not mean, but can be obnoxious. I am not fearful, he is good to me and I feel it is a part of him that I can not change. I can only help myself but sometimes it is hard to deal with. I sometimes feel I am just watching him kill himself one drink at a time.

redatlanta

I have been with RAH about 4 years. First year and a half was horrific. This included a relapse. Next year was better. Last year since he got a therapist has been bliss.

As long as he works his recovery and I mine I can't think of reason why we won't grow old together. If he relapses again I am gone. Can't do another.

meggygoround30

I think the hardest part is the constant stress. If they are sober and doing well, the threat of a relapse is always hanging over us like a dark storm cloud. Really how much more can you take? I was so naive to the disease that when my ex relapsed for the first time (even though he was still drinking non alcoholic beer) it was a tough realization that our fantasy about marriage and children would never happen (and if it did I would be miserable). If he can find someone who will put up with it better than I could, I guess that's good if they are both happy with it under the circumstances. It's so sad to read about the long marriages and the alcoholic is still active. In a way I feel guilty for leaving because I don't want him to be with someone who doesn't love him like I did. But I need to think of my own happiness and safety, and while that may seem selfish to some, you need to be your own best friend and love yourself enough to walk away.