dessy

After a big arguement 3 days ago i had enough told AH this and said im looking for another house. Now he hasnt had a drink since but sulking in his room on the computer. Me im just enjoying the peace and so are the kids. I know this wont last but for today the peace and no stress is enjoyable. I too dream of the peaceful clean house somewhere else. Since a hospital admission in January for probabale wernkes syndrome is forgetfulness and obvious brain damage scares me. He knows he is an alkie but is in denial about its effect on himself and others. My sons 20 and 14 want me to leave with them so this is the plan. Just getting my ducks in a row. I hate him now most days but it is the loss of the old H that keeps me here. I just cant do this anymore . Anger over past issues seem impossible to get over and i find i cant detatch when he is drunk and verbally yell back at him. I never argue with anyone so this scares me. How do you all not react to his quacking

hopeful4

It is hard not to react. When your sons are telling you it's time to go, listen to them. I have found so many times the kids, especially olders ones, have a much more clear perspective than the spouse does. They can look at actions without listenting to words alot better than the spouse does. In essence, they see through the quackery.

I think the important thing here is to see that there is a difference between detatchment and emoational abuse. If you are being yelled at while someone is drunk, that is emoational abuse. It's not your job to detatch from that. It is your job to detatch in that you still need to have alife outside of him and his disease. You need to do the things that please you and make you a happy person. You have to take care of your children. I understand missing the person who once was, but alcoholism is a progressive disease and that person is gone.

I send you tight hugs. It is hard, but I am betting that you are so much stronger than you think. You deserve more.

redatlanta

Yelling back is futile. Just fuels the fire, and he won't remember what you said anyway.

IGNORE. One of my favorite words. Get out of the line of fire. Don't engage in discussions when he is drunk. If asked a question acknowledge with a simple yes or no. Go into another room, make your self busy with something else. Leave. Go to bed. Ear buds and music. Go visit a neighbor or friend. DO NOT BE DRAGGED INTO AN ARGUMENT OR DISCUSSION WITH AN ALCOHOLIC. Its a waste of your time.

Listen to your sons. Best to you, you can do this!

amy55

dessy, just know that I care. I can't answer your question though. I left when I feared more for his life from me, then I cared about my own. Don't let it get to that point.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

dessy

I have started detatching and letting him organise all his own appointments and crap hence the arguement. I have told him i wont talk to him when drunk and this has been working for me but not him. He will follow me around making comments then gives up and phones a friend or family member lol. But sometimes it is hard not to just let the verbal stuff fly. Im waiting till june when he has court before deciding to leave cause if he gets jail time i will have peace at home and cannot afford to pay rent and the mortgage. He hit me in a blackout and so i called the police. So court is my fault of course

Recovering2

Remember when he is quacking at you that this is a sick person. There is nothing you can offer verbally to improve the situation in that moment, so don't. He may get upset, and that's okay. He can have his reaction, it does not require a reaction from you. Tell yourself each time "he is SICK" and detach.

NYCDoglvr

Active alcoholics go to great lengths to keep enablers close because it helps them maintain a drinking lifestyle. I hope you keep looking for a new home, your situation isn't going to improve unless he stops drinking entirely and gets active in a recovery program.