frannie

:crazy: I got through the afternoon just fine...did not give into my codie urges. Was feeling really great about things. Of course I now realize that the codie has a partner in his or her sicko dance. My partner (my A daughter) decided to go out tonight...she made up an elaborate tale of where she was going, with whom, etc, etc,. Sounded fine to me...then just to have a little fun out of good old mom she calls at 7:30 to tell me where she is...not where she is supposed to be but at the home of a young punk that she knows I totally diapprove of. After a few verbal spars, I tell her that I am tired of playing this game..to leave me out of it and do what she wanted to do and to please stop calling me. Of course she kept calling and calling and i kept getting angrier and more upset. She lied every breath that she took..She finally said that she was just going to come home...I knew that when she got home we would have a huge argument that would solve or change nothing. I simply had nothing left to say to her...I have danced this dance so many times. So i physically removed myself from the situation...I knew that if I stayed at home she would follow me from room to room demanding to discuss things...so I told my husband where I was going and why and simply got in the car and left. I went to my dear aunt's house. She is my mother's sisiter (my mom died when I was 16) and she has a troubled son who is in jail at this time...so she is usually the one I choose to talk and cry to when things get really rough. I purposefully did not take my cell phone with me so that my daughter could not call me or get in touch with me. My aunt lives about 20 minutes away and I had the nicest pity party a person can throw for herself. She tried to tell me how she finally detached from her son...slowly and with a lot of prayer. She always helps me feel better and calmer. I got home about 10:30 and Mandy was in bed and asleep...she has to be at work at 6:00 so I knew she would go to sleep early. I feel calm and under control now because she and I have not had harsh words and tomorrow is another day. And as they say, "one day at a time". Maybe God will give me the wisdom to say the correct words to her to make her understand that I don't want to be in this sick relationship anymore. She can't move out but I can consider her a rent free boarder...rather like a squatter in her room. What else she does is up to her completely...don't tell me and give me the strength not to ask because I know I will want to. I pray that God will help me know what to do and what to say tomorrow...but any help that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. i don't want to seem to be lecturing her but i do want her to understand that she must leave me alone and out of her life..she cannot abuse me anymore by manipulating me into dreadful codie behavior. How do I convey that??? I know that I did not handle tonight as well as possible but I tried to do what was best for my feelings and my peace of mind. Help me please.

best

Avoiding the confrontation as you did seems to have worked well. In time maybe you will learn how to detatch in the moment (instant perspective and understanding to the situation) All in all I say you did good as you did what you feel was needed and it worked.

I find it easy at times to disconnect. How I do it is through understanding why people do and say what they do and say. Knowing the emotional battle that goes on inside of them as words come out...quack quack quack like Charlie Brown's teacher is how the words sounds when I let them alone.

My thoughts on what to tell her...
She will need understand that she has to try her best to deal with things. You won't be there forever (we all die sometime) It would be in her best interest to start now in doing for herself.

I don't remove myself before a problem as I like to gather the info and keep informed as to what is what. *something I need work better on*
For me getting on my bike and taking a ride clears up any ill emotions.
The motorcycle ride for me is me doing for self. Doing something I enjoy.
For my wife it would be shopping.

Jody515

Hi Frannie!! Sound like you did a good job. Just wanted to tell you that she called and told you were she was because she wanted to fight with you. Next time tell her you don't even want to know where she is going. She knew you did not like this person and called to tell you were she was anyway. That is the addict in her. For your own sanity try not to let her know that it bothers you. When she gose somewere and you don't like it just ask her if she had a good time and go pray about it. She loves to fight with you. I know it is easer said them done but just try to make it threw thing without letting her know that you are angery. If she knows she can't get to you she will stop. Just keep praying. I posted a few things on some of your other threads if you get a chance read them.
Jody

smoke gets in my eyes

Wow. Dino HID from me when he went places I wouldn't have approved of. That's kind of wild, Frannie. You did good.

Now ... WHY exactly is it she can't move out?

JT

I know Ann just refused to participate...you could simply say that. "I am not going to participate" and then don't. Removing yourself physically was a great thing to do....a few times. But never forget that she is a "squatter" and it is YOUR home. If this continues and someone needs to leave to cool off or simply shut up....that needs to be her ungrateful self. :veryhappy

splendra

I think you are doing great,,,keep it up. Why is it that she can't move out?

Suckerpunched

Frannie, I stumbled on to a WONDERFUL

Suckerpunched

Sorry, accidentally hit the return key! I started to say I stumbled on to a WONDERFUL website called Love & Logic-Helping Parents & Educators Create Responsible Kids! Here's the link http://www.loveandlogic.com/index.html

I ordered the LifeSavers Kit books on CD because at the time that is what best suited my situation and let me tell you, the info that is provided on how to handle kids/teens will blow your mind! It's basically about allowing your kids to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of those decisions, a sort of tough love if you will but in a responsible lovving manner!

One example of a story that is told among many sticks out in my mind similar to your current situation. A teenage boy is egging his dad on about being able to have sex, teens should be able to have sex with anyone at anytime, what's the big deal, blah blah blah. The Dad simply responded "Yeah, I can see why a teen would think that way, it's not what I would choose to do, wouldn't work for me, but hey, thanks for sharing! And he left it at that, didn't rise to the argument, etc....

The CD's are full of many different situations for all ages of kids/teens and told with a great deal of humor!

Check the site out, it's well worth the read!
Hope this helps!

Lorelai

Good job Frannie.

I think you did great! The only thing I would like to say is that I would recommend not spending too much time and energy on making her understand that she must leave you alone and out of your life. What you say to her may never make her understand that. Your actions will make her understand that.

Just don't go there with her. It's really hard to fight with someone who doesn't fight.
Hugs - L

frannie

Good morning "Buddies", I just wrote a nice long reply but lost it by punching the wrong button somehow. i am too tired to write it again right now, so I will write when I have more rest. It was a stressful evening.

frannie

Hi, I shall try to remember what I lost somehow this morning. She is not home yet..but i doubt that we have a confrontation...that urge for her has passed i am sure...now she will just pretend that nothing happened. I have no idea what I am going to say except please don't call me when you are out. Of course she will and i will try your advice and just say "fine, have a great time." I slept well once i settled down enough to get to sleep...it took a while...but i am a night owl so i didn't mind the late bedtime. You asked why she cannot move out...I am not making excuses for her...but she has no where to go. She cannot afford an apartment on her own..and since she has no girlfriends, she cannot arrange to live with another person and split everything. So she is here...That is fine, but I think that maybe she should pay a minimal rent (although she would probably laugh at what we were tryiing to do). She doesn't have family she could go to stay with...my mother died when I was 16 and so she has no grandmother on that side nor on the other, my husband's mother died of Alziemers a few years ago...so Mandy has never really had a grandmother or relatives to turn to. So putting her out is an impossibility for now. I am really tired today...the stress of arguments and getting upset must be more than I had figured it to be. I just feel like crawling in bed and taking a very long nap. Well, she will be home soon, I'll write later and let you know how that works out...confrontation or negation. I'll bet she chooses to pretend it never happended. Thanks for all of your support. SuckerPunch, I tried the site that you suggested... found one good article. i called their 800 number and the girl told me that the literature and the program was really devised for childre. and that 24 was out of thier reach. I was sad, it looked like a good site. And dear, dear, Jodie, you don't know how much I depend on what you say...you can give me info no one else can because you are young and have done what she is doing. Yes I have read all your postings. Please don't stop writing me about your insights into her psyche ...I need that and I think it does me good to get mad at her truly selfish needs and wants sometimes. That nap is irresistable...need to take a few minutes to doze. I'll be back later.

Jody515

Frannie keep up the good work. You and Mandy will both be ok. This to shall pass. And them there will be something else. You know I got really involved in NA and came to find that my messed up life was not so messed up my problems were nothing campared to others in the program. Tho I try not to compare but relate I find much gradatude there. I was being so self-centered thinking my problems were so bad. There is always someone out there who had it worse. So I guess what I am trying to say is if you get involved in some sevice work it might make you greatfull for the problems you do have. It helps me. Do you go to al-anon meetings? It might help if you could go and see and talk with other people like you. And get invoved. You may injoy it and you could ask your husband to go along. Just a thought. Have to for now but will be back later to check up on you and Mandy. Have a Good day. Easy dose it!!!!! Jody