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Trepidation

Old 04-17-2014, 01:08 PM
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Trepidation

So, after quite a while of no contact suddenly my ex is sending strange emails to the gallery that houses my paintings. He always claimed I was not a painter...that I had somehow stolen them...even though I had painted many paintings right in front of him. Part of my arguments to him to get him to see reality was: GO TO THE GALLERY and see for yourself. The gallery itself is aware of the situation with him, as I am close to the owners and should he ever show up there, they will let him tour the painting gallery and then ask him to leave. He has not ever attempted to do so, though.
The last couple of weeks have been strange. I have been numb, as usual, exhausted by all of this, and finally felt like I was inching toward a new normal. The nightmares had let up somewhat and I was starting to sleep more than an hour at a time before waking up to stare at the wall. It felt like finally I was moving forward, getting past this horrible situation I had been through. The gallery contacted me this weekend to tell me my ex had sent some strange juvenile emails on the contact page of their website, mostly just derogatory emoticons, nothing much. We all decided no response was best, and moved forward as if it had not happened. There was another email from him to the gallery a few days later, something simple, they didn't tell me what it said, but that it was unimportant, nothing major, more useless nonsense. Then last night, apparently he sent some sort of love poem he found on the internet, sent it through their contact form. Its clear he meant it for me, there was no other reason to send such a thing. The poem was written by an amateur on some social networking site (gallery owners googled lines from it so this is how I know), and doesn't make a lot of sense to any of us. None of us know what to make of this. As the hours go by and the weekend approaches, I am growing increasingly nervous. Of course, I am not going to reach out and question him. The gallery owners have taken the same road, non approach, no response, because after all, the email he last sent was simply a poem, not a question, not a request for info, not even any sort of a statement or diatribe against me or even them. Its just very odd. And it scares me.
I keep thinking that he is going to show up. I dunno what to think honestly. He could have easily sent me the email. I never blocked him, I told you guys I wouldn't. I had been under the impression he had traipsed off to wherever and continued his boozing and what have you with someone else who enjoyed being a doormat for him. I figured I was long gone out of his mind. I have no idea what I am hoping you all will say, here, I guess I am just scared out of my wits and need some support. I have been shaking ever since being informed of the latest email. The gallery has told me that if I should choose not to attend the weekly Friday night event this week, they will understand. I am all a mishmash of feelings right now, but the main one is just trepidation. Ugh.
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Old 04-17-2014, 01:13 PM
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Ofelie, that is all really, really weird, I agree! Do you have concerns for your safety? ANY kind of concerns? I'm not that knowledgeable about that sort of topic, but as you know, many here are quite experienced (unfortunately) w/this kind of stuff.

To me, it seems as if it might be good to try to be extra safe--maybe stay with someone else for a while, someplace he wouldn't look for you?

Sorry this crap is happening and he's back on your radar screen again!
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Old 04-17-2014, 01:44 PM
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No words of wisdom or advice, Ofelie. I'm just really, really sorry It sucks that you're moving on with your life, finding some semblance of peace and then he shows up out of nowhere Prayers that he loses interest and disappears!
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Old 04-17-2014, 02:33 PM
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On the one hand I feel like I should attend the Friday evening event as usual, and not let him scare me...or rule my life, right? On the other hand, he isn't stable, and I have no idea what is going on in his head. I honestly thought I was no longer in it. If I don't attend, he might likely show up there then here at my house...just to prove I am not there at the gallery and then he would say see I told you so. That is how his mind thinks. No matter what I would do he will twist it, so there is no sense trying to do this or that. I sorta just have to carry on as usual and then hope he is just all words and stays away. I can't leave and stay elsewhere, there is no one to look after my dogs and horses while I would be gone.
The whole thing is just really weird. He has hurt me enough times in a fit of fury that yeah, I have fears of my safety. Do I think he would show up and just shoot me or something, no, not really. I am really at a loss, here. The poem was called A Vampire's Valentine, I dunno who wrote it...sorry moderators I can't bring myself to look it up, but apparently its supposed to be about eternal love. I dunno whether to be touched but stay leery or what. I just DON't KNOW. I am pretty freaked out. I know it would be futile idiocy on my part to believe he finally saw the light, got help, got meds, got sober and is f&#$#@% normal. It just makes me really really really sad. Again.
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Old 04-17-2014, 02:36 PM
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Ugh....sorry you are dealing with his mess.
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Old 04-17-2014, 02:38 PM
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Please take care, Ofelie. You say he has "hurt you enough times in a fit of fury" and is "unstable." That, to me, sounds scary. I'd be concerned for your critters, too. No one ever thinks that someone is going to go off the deep end until they do, it seems...

I hope some of our resident DV experts show up and offer their thoughts.
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Old 04-17-2014, 03:19 PM
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Does the gallery have security people they can call in for the Friday event?

Is there a way you can attend the Friday event and still feel that you're safe? Do you have any really oversize muscular male friends that you can bribe with dinner to be your body guards for the night? If not you, do you know anyone who knows anyone?

I hired a friend's 21-year-old son (straight from an Army tour in Iraq) to hang out on my couch for a couple of nights after one of the times AXH threatened me. Nothing ever happened, but it gave me a sense of strength to know that I could do things to protect myself.
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Old 04-17-2014, 03:36 PM
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I would report the communications to the police, and file a restraining order. The best defense is a good offense. Given there is a history, and you have real concerns, it's important to create a paper trail.
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Old 04-18-2014, 01:26 AM
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To me, this is a form of stalking and that I know from experience is scary as hell and I could never relax.
He is being pretty sneaky the way he is going about it, probably just this side of not quite being able to get an RO, tho that never stopped mine. Nor did moving in a scary looking guy friend for 4 months.
You know him best.
do you have some security measures at your home?
You have your life built up where you are, I don't know anything to suggest.
I, myself, wound up moving around 1000 miles away and telling few people where I was.
You do have my full sympathy and I hope someone has some better suggestions.
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Ofelie View Post
On the one hand I feel like I should attend the Friday evening event as usual, and not let him scare me...or rule my life, right? On the other hand, he isn't stable, and I have no idea what is going on in his head. I honestly thought I was no longer in it. If I don't attend, he might likely show up there then here at my house...just to prove I am not there at the gallery and then he would say see I told you so. That is how his mind thinks. No matter what I would do he will twist it, so there is no sense trying to do this or that. I sorta just have to carry on as usual and then hope he is just all words and stays away. I can't leave and stay elsewhere, there is no one to look after my dogs and horses while I would be gone.
The whole thing is just really weird. He has hurt me enough times in a fit of fury that yeah, I have fears of my safety. Do I think he would show up and just shoot me or something, no, not really. I am really at a loss, here. The poem was called A Vampire's Valentine, I dunno who wrote it...sorry moderators I can't bring myself to look it up, but apparently its supposed to be about eternal love. I dunno whether to be touched but stay leery or what. I just DON't KNOW. I am pretty freaked out. I know it would be futile idiocy on my part to believe he finally saw the light, got help, got meds, got sober and is f&#$#@% normal. It just makes me really really really sad. Again.
This just has a creepy vibe to me. If he really wanted to contact you, send you a "love poem" why not just do it the old fashioned way? You know, put a piece of paper in an envelope with a stamp on it and let USPS deliver it to you. Sending it to the gallery feels like there is an ulterior motive, like he's looking for a reaction of some sort.

Trust your gut, if you think it's safe to go to the gallery then go, I wouldn't let him drive you into hiding. Maybe you can find a big scary date to take with you? Whatever you decide, please be careful.
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:17 PM
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Ha a big scary date, yep I would like to find one of those. Guys, this guy is fearless, and built like an ox. The only thing he was ever afraid of was losing me. And he did that and hey at the time he seemed pretty proud of himself for losing me. When crazy people have nothing left to lose....that's when they're the most dangerous right?
I will attend the event, I think it would be safer to be there surrounded by people than at home with no people plus I have an obligation to fill. Cops said since its not specifically addressed to me, it doesn't fall under the realm of a restraining order. I spoke to the same one I dealt with before, so he knows the history. I agree, he was looking for some sort of reaction from someone, and what happens when he doesn't get one? I guess we will find out. Its 1 pm...as the hours tick by I get more and more nervous. Ugh. Maybe I am blowing it all out of proportion and worrying too much. I just dunno.
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:23 PM
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Ofelie, Did you ever read the book "The Gift of Fear"? It does say to trust your instincts. From what you are saying here, I agree with you. I also think he is a stalker, and he is mentally unbalanced.

I really want you to be safe. If you decide to go, make sure you are safe afterwards, and also for that matter the next week, month, however long it takes. There aren't that many threads that trigger me to this alertness. Yours did. I'm sorry.

((((((((hugs)))))))
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:36 PM
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each experience is different.

here is my personal experience: XAH on psychotic rampage....leaving weird clues about his intentions..... I get all twisted up.....trying to guess what he might do. I enmesh all my friends and family in the retelling of what he is doing and get their frightened insights, too.

spend days trying to look into the future and what he might do.

spend days with anxiety, wringing my hands, heart palpatations, endless conversations with friends, exhaustion.

all this time, he is passed out and not thinking of this stuff at all.

he wakes up from time to time.....stirs the stink pot up a little....then retreats into his zone.

just what it was like with me.....
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:54 PM
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I agree, that's why I said I might be overreacting. I really honestly had figured he had moved on and was no longer even thinking about me whatsoever. After all, I never backed down from saying he had problems, and that is what he hated to hear more than anything...that he had problems. His idea of the best way to handle things when people tell you you have problems is to get new people.
So I am just going to go to the event, and deal with things as it happens.
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:32 PM
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I might be overreacting.
No. I agree with Amy. You know this guy. You're not overreacting. That is you trying to talk yourself out of being afraid. Being afraid sucks, but it also means you will be on alert. Please be around people, make sure someone is with you all the time, you know the drill. (I've had cab drivers walk me to my door. Safety is more important than pride.)
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