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Very bad couple of weeks

Old 04-17-2014, 07:19 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I'm so sorry, I want to have great advice but I don't know anything about dealing with this type of situation. I just wanted to add my hugs & prayers!
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Old 04-17-2014, 07:34 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hi WTBH, I don't understand your lawyer. The therapist has reported, the children have been interviewed twice, you have found inappropriate photos on DDs iPod. Surely this is enough to get an interim order for supervised access pending further investigation? What if you took the photos directly to the police? They would be required to take action.

Have you considered contacting an organisation that advocates for children who have been abused. Sorry but I'm not from your country, but I'm sure there would be one that could advise you. I understand you're not sure if it's happening, but if you have good grounds for suspicion, there may be some action you can take for the immediate future.

Thinking of you. Stay strong.
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Old 04-17-2014, 07:57 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Sending many prayers for you and your girls. Have you told the therapist about finding the bottle of vodka? He probably thought it was a safe place to hide, but it could be possible he's also been giving some to the girls? It's a horrific thought, but all this is.

Somehow through all this, your daughters and you will be okay. You are all getting help. You know how to reach out and are in their corner even if the courts are absolute idiots. I hope your police department will be able to do something with having this reported!

As hard as it may be, find time to take care of you. It's the best way to be there for your girls. (((((wtbh)))))
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Old 04-17-2014, 09:07 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Holy ****!

Your ex makes me want to throw up.

All I can offer is that I am sorry you all are dealing with this. Your girls need you so much now, you are being a good mom pursuing this.

Thank God you left him.

XOXO
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Old 04-17-2014, 09:26 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Lots of love to you.

I don't know if you want to, or if you can handle it, but you could call your local sexual abuse hotline. I have done that, and it was just so nice to be able to talk to another human being at length about the suspicions, and what I felt about them -- without being charged $250/hour...

It's all coming down now. You have been so strong, and you will continue to be strong through this. I know the terror, the fear, the urge to vomit, the guilt, the pain, the tears of hearing that suspicion from someone else. You simply cannot fathom that it could be a possibility, despite everything else you've seen.

Just know this: Regardless of whether the suspicions are founded, your children will be OK. Because of you. Because you don't back down. Because you are like a pit bull when it comes to protecting them and getting them the support they need. Every bit of hell you are going through right now is something that puts you one step closer to being able to protect the children in the future. Waiting is hell.

And I am frankly appalled that they don't stop visitations at the suspicion of sexual abuse.

Keep breathing. Stay in touch. We're here.
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Old 04-17-2014, 10:07 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Lots of love to you.

I don't know if you want to, or if you can handle it, but you could call your local sexual abuse hotline. I have done that, and it was just so nice to be able to talk to another human being at length about the suspicions, and what I felt about them -- without being charged $250/hour...

It's all coming down now. You have been so strong, and you will continue to be strong through this. I know the terror, the fear, the urge to vomit, the guilt, the pain, the tears of hearing that suspicion from someone else. You simply cannot fathom that it could be a possibility, despite everything else you've seen.

Just know this: Regardless of whether the suspicions are founded, your children will be OK. Because of you. Because you don't back down. Because you are like a pit bull when it comes to protecting them and getting them the support they need. Every bit of hell you are going through right now is something that puts you one step closer to being able to protect the children in the future. Waiting is hell.

And I am frankly appalled that they don't stop visitations at the suspicion of sexual abuse.

Keep breathing. Stay in touch. We're here.
Me too. I feel like every "system" in place to protect kids is a farse.

Evidently he has a right to an investigation before his parenting time is changed. If the investigation is determined to be "founded" then the court will modify his parental rights/time.

Right now it's an allegation based on a call from the girls Therapist-- not physical proof (not sure how the photos are not physical proof) so I guess his right to a "fair" investigation trumps the girls safety.
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Old 04-17-2014, 10:23 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I'm so sorry this is happening - I always knew the system was a mess but this is beyond my worst nightmare vision of it. To be forced to have visitation with a parent like that is unconscionable and shame on the government agencies involved, they should frankly be sued and fired IMO.

That said you are so strong and doing the best you can given the circumstances (that's all you can do) - I remember when you first came here (I was posting under a different name...long story I had to change for privacy reasons regarding my NPD mom), and I see you now and even though the system has screwed you over so badly you now have the strength to keep going. That is due to your hard work, your recovery and your determination. Hold on to those. I truly believe the end is near for your XAH...he has to hit the bottom of the cement pool sometime and even in that state you live in it will happen, I have faith. And your girls will get through this because they have a strong Mom like you....one that broke the cycle passed down from generation to generation (those are hard to break). You have shown them that the cycle can be broken and that is more than most of the children in A families ever get to see (most actually stay I think due to their own illness), your example will guide them through all this.
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Old 04-17-2014, 12:22 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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WTBH, I want to tie your AH up and kick the crap out of the ba$tard! I am an SA survivor myself and reading this just infuriates me.

I can tell you that your girls are lucky to have a mother who advocates for them and is there for them. I know you feel like hell and are coming apart at the seams, but you are doing all you can. Hang in. Once this is over, they can heal, even though no one should ever HAVE to heal from something like this. Your steadfast love will mean all the world to them.

May justice be swift and powerful!
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Old 04-17-2014, 12:38 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Thank you all for your kind words... I had to take a couple unpaid days off work last week to accomodate when therapist & child protective services were available & today got a tongue lashing about being out & the assumption was made that I was shirking my duties since my time off came right after being notified I wasn't being renewed for the next contract year. I just nodded & apologized but what I wanted to do was crumble & ask my nasty bitch of a boss how fast her tune would change if she were in my shoes. She knowsa little bc xahs arrests have been public but she's still mean.

I'm just wondering when or if it will ever be over?

I'm not sleeping or eating & I feel like I'm failing at trying to keep things "normal" when it's clear DD9 isnt remotely ok.

Right now I feel like I've totally failed my kids & that no matter what healing comes later this stuff they've had to grow up with is going to have a negative life long impact on them
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Old 04-17-2014, 12:48 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Stay in the present as best you can.
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Old 04-17-2014, 12:54 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Evidently he has a right to an investigation before his parenting time is changed. If the investigation is determined to be "founded" then the court will modify his parental rights/time.
The least they could do would be making it supervised.

And YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR KIDS. You are feeling that way because you know how valuable they are and you want to protect them. And you are. You are doing everything in your might within legal boundaries -- and that is what you need to do to protect them long-term.

If you did something drastic, like took the kids and ran -- which I'm sure you've thought about; I know I did -- you would make things worse. It is horrible that you can't do anything about the visitations. I hate this for you.

And I agree with you that the protection the law & authorities gives children is abysmal. Nothing short of abysmal.

Lots of hugs. Lots.
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Old 04-17-2014, 01:07 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Stay in the present, you have not failed your kids. Take care of yourself. The girls need you whole and functioning.
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Old 04-17-2014, 03:34 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I wanted to send you my sympathy once again. Your ex creating a situation like this, even if nothing happened, a situation that is dicey, what a thoughtless jackass. I really hope the therapist is wrong or caught something early on. I think about your little girl and how scared and confusing this all must be for her. If he did something inappropriate, I hope he goes to jail. I have heard that inmates do bad things to men who do those types of things.
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Old 04-17-2014, 03:42 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Thank you all for your kind words... I had to take a couple unpaid days off work last week to accomodate when therapist & child protective services were available & today got a tongue lashing about being out & the assumption was made that I was shirking my duties since my time off came right after being notified I wasn't being renewed for the next contract year. I just nodded & apologized but what I wanted to do was crumble & ask my nasty bitch of a boss how fast her tune would change if she were in my shoes. She knowsa little bc xahs arrests have been public but she's still mean.

I'm just wondering when or if it will ever be over?

I'm not sleeping or eating & I feel like I'm failing at trying to keep things "normal" when it's clear DD9 isnt remotely ok.

Right now I feel like I've totally failed my kids & that no matter what healing comes later this stuff they've had to grow up with is going to have a negative life long impact on them
Listen to someone who lived that childhood - if my mama (bless her) had only left my father the FIRST time instead of the 20th or 21st things would have been SO much better. But she stayed and stayed and stayed.

I tell you once we finally had a "safe" place (meaning father does not live with us) I saw things in an enitrely different light.
I KNEW I was safe when I was with mom - something I NEVER felt before.

So trust that your daughters do have that safe haven - it means more than you will ever, ever know.

You are FAR from a failure. You are a woman in an impossible situation doing the best you can against incredible BS.

I never thought of my mama as a failure - I just never understood WHY she took so damn long to leave

Hugs!
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Old 04-17-2014, 04:02 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I am sorry. Hugs.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:44 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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My dd6 is a mess. Raging tantrums and telling me and her sister she wishes we were all dead and to go away. I feel like if I am the safe and sane one then they ought to be able to be ok w me and dd6 is worrying me gravely. She is and for many years has been totally unable to calm herself down. Couldn't self soothe as a baby (xAH shook her and screamed at her a lot as a baby bc she was so fussy) and she is angry at me and her sister all the time especially in the last few weeks. I just feel like everything is crumbling more than ever and I don't trust myself that I am strong enough to hold it together.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:47 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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And yes lillamy I have thought of running. I have reached out to friend sin other parts of the country and said maybe I will show up w the girls as they've offered before and I even at this moment want to rouse my kids from sleep and get in my car and go far away. Maybe then the opera that be would take this more urgently and seriously. Abiding by the rules and waiting for justice is unbearable and it's been a year and things are just getting worse.

But intellectually I know I would screw myself to do anything rash and I won't.
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Old 04-17-2014, 06:34 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Its been reported - what is next? have the police talked to you?

I'm So very sorry.

I always find it ironic that often times one party breaks rules, breaks laws, doesn't adhere to sh!t and the other person has to worry about if they fart if they will be arrested or held in contempt. BS

For the sake of all I hope and pray it isn't true.
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Old 04-17-2014, 06:46 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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No police haven't talked to me.
Child protective services have talked to my kids twice. Interviewed them and me.
CPS has talked to the police but there isn't proof of a crime so the police aren't involved.
If CPS identifies the report is "founded" then the police will investigate. Right now there's no smoking gun so to speak so my understanding is the police aren't exploring charges.
But I am not privy to all of what CPS and the police discuss so I could be wrong.
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Old 04-17-2014, 06:58 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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My thoughts are with you during this trying time. Lots of hugs to you and your kids.
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