i want off this merry go round... please
 

i was counting the hours until my meeting..keeping busy and making sure to do the right thing. then right before the meeting i run into someone who knows my A... and we got to talking.... and it all tumbled out like a damn burst.

oh how wonderful it felt to hug someone who sees him every day. its has been five months of having not seen him. and yet.. hugging her made me feel... better. how strange is that?

i want off this merry go round. and i cant do it. i just cant seem to avoid doing what i know is wrong. how close i feel to just going back. to accepting on any terms he wants. just to touch him again, just to see him again.

they say hind sight is 20/20.. but it doesnt account for the rose colored glasses i have adopted the last three weeks. the glasses that make me think all way rosy and wonderful. when in reality it was hell.

does anyone.. have any words of advice? sinking fast here and i just feel.. out of control. emotionally unstable and ready to toss out common sense and boundaries. please.. anyone know what can help? please

Hi quietsins.

Careful gal, you're about to raft over Forgetfulness Falls.

I think some of us who get tied up with addicted or otherwise challenging people do it because we're easily bored. Maybe we crave adventure, or mystery or little shots of adrenaline. I sure got all that. And I don't doubt that you really do miss the guy, but do you also miss the drama? Do you miss having a puzzle to solve every minute of the day? I think for me, Dino primed my puzzler. I try to make sure I have something fun to figure out all the time. A mystery novel, a computer program, a sewing project that's a little weird. Maybe you're a thrill junky. Like rollercoasters? That was your title. Rafting? Repelling? Think about it and make sure you're not running back because you're bored and trouble is more fun that tedium.

Hugs!
Smoke

Try and have faith that you have made the right descision. I know that is easier said than done but just like you said they are "rose colored galsses" and if you stick to your word you will come out feeling so much better in the long run. Just remember that it is normal ,what you are feeling ,and that it will get better. You did what you HAD to do for you....Sending strength and hugs your way.............Michelle

quietsins -
I have already written a list titled "Remember". It includes a few of the choice moments in my life - things that happened with my AH that really stabbed at my heart.

At the bottom of my list are my "Big Three" - the three big things that I will not tolerate in my life with anyone for any reason.

Under that, I've written - Just for Today.

I plan to put a copy in my car, in my purse, in my office and in every room of my house because I know that I will feel like you someday. I may end up having to wallpaper some of my rooms with the list and am considering having it tatooed on my thigh.

Maybe something like that would help you out? Selective memory sucks.
L

Hi -

I find what helps me most when I think of my AH fondly is to stop immediately and replace the nice thoughts with all the reasons that I left. He can be sooo sweet - stop - I ended up losing my house. He really is a nice guy when he isn't drinking - stop - when he is drinking he has become a monster. I'm kind of lonely - stop - wow, it is so peaceful because I no longer have to listen to the whining and crying and angry outbursts. See how it works? Keep reminding yourself of why you are not with him. It works for me, sure hope it helps you too.

Take care,

Jo

Thanks Jo, I needed to hear that also. I miss my AH a lot since he left 2 months ago. He's still drinking and still has problems I cant fix, and will only make me unhappy if he comes back now. I need reminders to shrink my heart back down to match the size of my head. Then the battle between the 2 is more realistic.

Quitesins, these gals know their stuff. We should listen to them. Let go and let God.
Alexia