Codependency has reared it's ugly head AGAIN
 

How do I get out? I keep leaving, but then keep going back. I love him., but the fact is, I've only been seeing him for 10 months, and I don't think two days have gone by that I have not seen him with a drink in his hand . Yet, I keep justifying to myself that's only a small problem, but I know my heart that it's not. Why can't I be strong enough to walk away? Why am I so weak? I love him. He treats me so kind. I love his teenage sons. His family is do nice. My friends think I am so lucky to have him..."because they encounter much worse with dating". I have never actually seen him drunk, but I know he is drinking at home when I am not with him. I see him drink beer and wine like water...I mean not sipping it gulping. I stopped "snooping for three weeks"...now I just "wonder" how much scotch is gone from the basement fridge....and it's killing me because I am trying to trust and not snoop...so instead what I see in front of me is a "drink" always in sight.
I am seeing a therapist, but it will take some time. We have too much in common, that I use it as justification as to why we should stay together and deal with this small problem. I rationalize and justify constantly thinking nobody is perfect, and if I found someone else...I would just find something wrong...so I tell myself to suck it up...it could be worse. So, I keep coming backup SR spilling my guts looking like the fool that I am. Maybe his problem isn't that bad...yeah, just keep telling myself that. Just keep lying to myself. Not cool.

It's soooooooo not a small problem. I don't have any advice but alcoholism is a FOREVER problem and not something that you can get through with him. Either he wants sobriety for himself or he doesn't. If he doesn't (per your post it doesn't sound like he wants it) are you willing to stay with him? Alcoholics can ONLY go into recovery because they chose it for themselves.

Sending you hugs. I know the urge to "fix" people and their problems is strong. Focus that energy on yourself, you deserve it!! :)

Hi! Sorry you are having some confusing thoughts in your head about this. Know you are not alone!

Rationalizing doesn't change who he is, or who he is going to be. I have done the dance myself - he's so nice, we communicate well, we have a lot in common. And, I too, have gone down the thinking that if all these other parts are good, I can deal with this small issue of him being an alcoholic, because it's too scary to go out into the world and find a guy who doesn't have these issues. And, chances are because I've got these co-dependent tendencies, I'm not going to find a healthy guy, but another user of some kind or another. And, maybe, just maybe, this is the best guy I'm going to get and I should stick it out and figure out how to help him so we can be this wonderful, uber couple that I know we can be...if he just stopped drinking and I fixed all his problems.

Sounds like a plan to me!

I'm amazed you've never seen him drunk in 10 months! Are there other red flags going off besides him always having a drink in his hand? Obviously, there must be something else, or you wouldn't be here :)

I was just sitting here journaling and stopped to lurk a bit.

When I first dated my husband that always having a drink thing bothered me. But he had job, a home, was responsible, we had a lot in common (other than the drink thing) and it bugged me but it just didn't seem like a BIG problem, just something that bugged me.

Fast forward 15 years and I lived through hell for 8 of them. (well still going through hell but nearing the other side) The first few years were good and slowly the drinking and the problems that come along with it increased. And before I knew it I was knee deep in a bad situation. Just like most everyone, I thought if I did the right things we could work it out.

I do not think coming back here makes you look like a fool, in fact I see your post as a person that is aware of the risks of getting deeply involved with someone that may have a drinking problem and that you may be considering how important this relationship is to your own sanity.

Perhaps your gut instinct is trying to tell you something?

Perhaps it would serve you well, to listen , to what it is saying.

His drinking is HIS problem.

You obviously have a higher standard of what you want out of a relationship, and he simply cannot deliver.

The leaving for a couple days and going back is painfully crazy. It's only been 10 short months , and you are already living in turmoil.............. thinking you already know the answer here.......

Yes it will hurt, but a bit of discomfort today, will save you a lifetime of heartache.

Do yourself a favor, and take care of YOU, this "small" problem, doesn't even belong to you, I'd be running in the opposite direction.

horriblethisis---think: short-term pain for long term gain. Sometimes, this is also refered to as "delayed gratification".

It is significant is human development---the ability to tolerate discomfort for a short time to gain a reward (of some kind), later.

Normally this ability grows as we grow from young children into mature adults---with a good self esteem.

Perhaps your self esteem is the issue here.......?

Really...how good is this relationship?? You recognize that you are "lying to yourself" by minimizing what you know is a big red flag for future heartbreak. But, are you also l lying to HIM..... Is he aware of what you think about this?....have you told him exactly what you are thinking? In a solid intimate relationship---you should be able to share this with your partner. After all, you are willing to share it with strangers--but not him
Solid relationships are built on honesty and trust at the base.

Just a few thoughts for you to think about.....

dandylion

Horriblethisis, what would happen if you took a break from romantic relationships and tried to figure out why it is you think you have to settle for less than you really want?

sweetie, this is part of your post from 4-14-13 - almost exactly ONE year ago - regarding your now X husband:

I am wondering if I should just go back and be with him, take the good with the bad, and love each other until the end no matter what. Is love enough? Is having a relationship that is 70% great, and 30% problematic, enough to divorce? Therapy is not helping me...I am still confused. Geez!!!

it seems as if you found a "replacement" for the above - in yet another relationship where ALCOHOL reigns supreme and you are still not getting your needs met. went right back to what has become your uncomfortable Comfort Zone.

I think what you said above is key:

and if I found someone else...I would just find something wrong...so I tell myself to suck it up...it could be worse

If it was not a problem you would not be on this forum questioning yourself about it. Fact is, not all alcoholics act out so you cannot always tell. However, remember it is a progressive disease.

Take good care of you and look at what you want in a relationship. Do you want every second drinking to be part of it?

Good Luck and God Bless!

I am embarrassed to say for how very long I did this back and forth dance.
And it only became worse, worse and the worst over all this time.
I really loved him. Still do...but from a long distance and with full understanding of what/who he is.

I did meet and am partners with a man who is so kind, drama-free, supportive and loving that I continue to learn from that bad relationship, I can see far more clearly how bad it all was now. Simply cannot imagine putting myself in that situation again.

I guess I am saying if you are uncomfortable now, it will likely only progress as that is what alcoholism does.

The first time my partner brought home a 6 pack, I told him that I had strong issues from the past and really never wanted to see a 6 pack in my frig again. enough said. After that he might occasionally buy himself a single beer.
After 2-3 years, I was no longer threatened by him liking beer from time to time and now I don't mind an occasional 6 pack, but he is the only person I am comfortable around having a drink.

I would not, could not be with anyone who always has a drink in hand. That is too triggering and scary to me.

Gosh...I get what everyone is saying, but I still don't know how to leave someone who is so nice to me. I mean, should I just say "no drinking, or no us"? I still don't know how to break free. I don't want to hurt him even though I know he is hurting us. Yes, we have had numerous conversations about his drinking. He said he was going to just drink socially, then it slowly creeped in again. I need a game plan, and I don't know how to figure it out. Seriously, I am otherwise a smart girl, Who normally is not afraid to speak my mind. He has this hold on me that is ridiculous.

If you don't want to break up with him, then you must accept him exactly as he is right now. Nice to you, but never without a drink. Or you can continue to expend enormous amounts of energy trying to define whether he is or isn't an alcoholic.

It is okay if that is not what you want in a relationship. You do not need a better reason. You do not need ANY reason.

Until I learned to love, value and respect myself, I stayed in unhappy relationships because it seemed unbearable to be alone with just me. It took a few years of therapy, staying away from romantic relationships, and facing the fear of accepting myself as-is before I was healthy enough to wait for someone who was actually a person I wanted to be with, rather than just the next person to be nice to me and show me some attention.

Sending you strength and courage to believe that you deserve better than what you are willing to settle for.

Wondering if you've gone to Alanon or sought other support for yourself besides SR? There is something to be said for face-to-face contact; it's just different from being online. That might get thru to you in a way that things at SR just haven't. The fact that someone posted a link to a post of yours from a year ago that is essentially the same place as where you are now would indicate that you're kind of "stuck", like a broken record playing the same song. Are you getting tired of hearing it over and over?

Here's a link to Alanon to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I'd also suggest that maybe you take a break from any romantic relationships until you figure out some things about YOU--replacing one bad situation with another very similar one, apparently within a very short time after ending the first one, doesn't leave you a lot of time to get in touch w/yourself, heal and grow. I'm sure you know by now that no one else is going to make you whole and happy--like they say, "happiness is an inside job."

Wishing you strength and clarity.

horriblethisis---if you are looking for some "easy" way out--there isn't one. Not totally painless. Sometimes in life we are required to do some things that simply are not easy.

This is how I see it: You can break it off now.....or......wait for him to mop the kitchen floor with your heart, later. The choice is yours.

Either way--it won't hurt him too much. He will reach for the bottle and numb anything that he might feel. Either way--he gets to keep his first love--the bottle.

sorry to have to put it this way...but, it is just reality of life when you live with an alcoholic.

dandylion

it ain't rocket science, horriblethisis - you don't NEED a reason to end a relationship.....you don't have to STAY with someone just because they are NICE to you. said gently, rarely does it HURT them as much as we think it will...because we filter it all thru our ego.

he drank from the day you met...THAT is when you should have held to your own boundaries about not wanting to be in a relationship where the consuming of alcohol in mass quantities was involved. he showed you who he was right out the gate....like a race horse. you can't then expect him to change into hummingbird.

this has been nice, but i will no longer be seeing/dating you. i wish you the best.

Hi Horrible

I too am dealing with weird emotions regarding my brother.
This isn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination.
The question I am asking MYSELF is "What do I need to do differently so I don't feel like I'm the hanster in the wheel"?

Keep on running and running and nothring changes.............and I am bone tired of thinking I might be able to solve someone elses problem - ha! If only!

Putting ourselves first is REALLY tough.......but I bet it isn't half as hard as this stuff.

Just thinkning out loud......

horriblethisis, Sorry you feel the way you do, but the advice here is good. Many, too many years ago I was thinking the same thing as you; he's so nice, loving, thoughtful, intelligent, great education, good family, the jackpot, and good looking too etc...if only I could ignore the drinking all would be great. I thought the problem was mine (and in some ways it was/is), that I was too demanding...it just made me so uncomfortable, the constant drinks, before, during, after dinner...at first is was all in good fun, young, no ties, no dependants, no responsibilities, but as years went by, things starting "happening", getting drunk, alone at home, promising to cut down, but always starting up again, broken promises, crying fits, etc... now 17 years later, here I am...still with the nice, intelligent, thoughtful man who cannot control his drinking, hides it, drinks and drives, almost lost his licence, minimizes these actions,it's not so bad, if only I was nicer, more loving and supportive....get. out. now, is all I can say.....

Thank you all. I started the process of disconnecting. I sent this last night, and have not heard a word back. I don't even know what I am expecting as a response back...but nothing yet...This is what I sent him:
You know I love you, but I have been doing a bit of thinking. When we go back together, you said you would just drink socially, but you have continued your drinking during the work week when I am with you, and even when I am not. I have not brought the drinking subject up in over three weeks because I have been watching things unfold. You were not true to your word, why?

I just want to see if he will respond...but my next step will be to breakup and disengage all together.

Thinking your question is just opening the door to more lies, denial, and manipulation.

He may even turn this on you, and you will now be the crazy one.

Does he really need to validate what you already know?

Also thinking you are giving him to much power here. Be prepared, this is where it can get ugly, you are interfering with him and his first love and he will defend it to the death.

Glad to hear you are ready to turn the focus and concentrate on yourself.

Stay strong.

LIke alcoholism, codependents have massive denial, self-delusion, self-justification. It's part of the disease. Have you tried Alanon? Sounds like you could use some support right now. A hug....