Codependency has reared it's ugly head AGAIN

Old 04-19-2014, 05:36 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Always makes me feel like I made a bad decision by walking away. Is below Manipulation from him?????
"You really think it is that bad? Wow, a few beers after a hard day or workout an I need AA? I still think you overestimate the issue. This is where we disagree. I have always been open to finding common ground but that seems a little extreme. I was willing to find common ground but you just ended it without further discussion or trying to find something that works for us both. So what is needed? Is there a level or amount that you feel. Plus I'm not drinking too much. Maybe for you so good luck finding someone that doesn't drink too much for you. I'm still shocked that you want this to end. Funny thing is I thought of us the other day while watching a show about a golf pro. He is 104 years old and wife his wife of 78 years. Every day in the afternoon he has a big glass of scotch with his wife. Is that bad?! That was their daily ritual". The sad fact is we are compatible on so many levels except this one. This IS our incompatibility and you seem reluctant to try to find common ground that is acceptable to you and to me. I'm getting tired. I've had my full dose of name calling, accusations, belittling and character attacks". Wow... I can't believe you are doing this and doing it this way without discussion or my thought. Very unfair, I deserve to be treated better, regardless of the outcome or our differences".
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Old 04-19-2014, 05:39 AM
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Always makes me feel like I made a bad decision by walking away. Is below Manipulation from him?????
"You really think it is that bad? Wow, a few beers after a hard day or workout an I need AA? I still think you overestimate the issue. This is where we disagree. I have always been open to finding common ground but that seems a little extreme. I was willing to find common ground but you just ended it without further discussion or trying to find something that works for us both. So what is needed? Is there a level or amount that you feel. Plus I'm not drinking too much. Maybe for you so good luck finding someone that doesn't drink too much for you. I'm still shocked that you want this to end. Funny thing is I thought of us the other day while watching a show about a golf pro. He is 104 years old and wife his wife of 78 years. Every day in the afternoon he has a big glass of scotch with his wife. Is that bad?! That was their daily ritual". The sad fact is we are compatible on so many levels except this one. This IS our incompatibility and you seem reluctant to try to find common ground that is acceptable to you and to me. I'm getting tired. I've had my full dose of name calling, accusations, belittling and character attacks". Wow... I can't believe you are doing this and doing it this way without discussion or my thought. Very unfair, I deserve to be treated better, regardless of the outcome or our differences.
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Old 04-19-2014, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Horriblethisis, what would happen if you took a break from romantic relationships and tried to figure out why it is you think you have to settle for less than you really want?
^^^what she said
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Old 04-19-2014, 03:53 PM
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Always makes me feel like I made a bad decision by walking away. This is his response to our breakup. Is below Manipulation from him?????
"You really think it is that bad? Wow, a few beers after a hard day or workout an I need AA? I still think you overestimate the issue. This is where we disagree. I have always been open to finding common ground but that seems a little extreme. I was willing to find common ground but you just ended it without further discussion or trying to find something that works for us both. So what is needed? Is there a level or amount that you feel. Plus I'm not drinking too much. Maybe for you so good luck finding someone that doesn't drink too much for you. I'm still shocked that you want this to end. Funny thing is I thought of us the other day while watching a show about a golf pro. He is 104 years old and wife his wife of 78 years. Every day in the afternoon he has a big glass of scotch with his wife. Is that bad?! That was their daily ritual". The sad fact is we are compatible on so many levels except this one. This IS our incompatibility and you seem reluctant to try to find common ground that is acceptable to you and to me. I'm getting tired. I've had my full dose of name calling, accusations, belittling and character attacks". Wow... I can't believe you are doing this and doing it this way without discussion or my thought. Very unfair, I deserve to be treated better, regardless of the outcome or our differences."
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Old 04-19-2014, 04:12 PM
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horriblethisis---Yes!!! this is giant manipulation. Massive denial, minimizing and hitting all of your buttons.

But, then, you knew that this would be the likely outcome....right?

Don't let his silken tongue, which does not match his actions, cause you to doubt yourself.

If you buy what he is selling--he IS going to mop the kitchen floor with you...

This is the time to be strong.

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Old 04-20-2014, 06:13 AM
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Hi,
I have just started to look around these forums..I found reading posts about how alcoholics deny their alcohol abuse very helpful - I will try to find a link and post it - but it does sound like massive manipulation - it's all your problem, not his - is how he's making it sound...don't believe it. Definately the time to be strong.
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Old 04-20-2014, 06:39 AM
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Found it - I can't post the link though - search for the post Excuses Alcoholics Make
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Old 04-20-2014, 10:18 AM
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horriblethisis = you can sum up his message in one word.

NO.

no I will NOT quit drinking because YOU say so.
no I will NOT moderate my drinking because you so.

are you ready to accept that and quit trying to WIN against alcohol?
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Old 04-20-2014, 08:22 PM
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What's the slogan? Pain is inevitable----suffering is optional
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Until I learned to love, value and respect myself, I stayed in unhappy relationships because it seemed unbearable to be alone with just me. It took a few years of therapy, staying away from romantic relationships, and facing the fear of accepting myself as-is before I was healthy enough to wait for someone who was actually a person I wanted to be with, rather than just the next person to be nice to me and show me some attention.
^^^I love this.

I just wrote a long response that got lost. Hopefully I'll get time and energy to rewrite later. You have an opportunity right now. You are not alone with your struggle either. <3
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Old 04-21-2014, 07:56 AM
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maybe make a small change in your thinking and stop minimizing the problem by thinking it small. think of it as a big problem.



Originally Posted by horriblethisis View Post
How do I get out? I keep leaving, but then keep going back. I love him., but the fact is, I've only been seeing him for 10 months, and I don't think two days have gone by that I have not seen him with a drink in his hand . Yet, I keep justifying to myself that's only a small problem, but I know my heart that it's not. Why can't I be strong enough to walk away? Why am I so weak? I love him. He treats me so kind. I love his teenage sons. His family is do nice. My friends think I am so lucky to have him..."because they encounter much worse with dating". I have never actually seen him drunk, but I know he is drinking at home when I am not with him. I see him drink beer and wine like water...I mean not sipping it gulping. I stopped "snooping for three weeks"...now I just "wonder" how much scotch is gone from the basement fridge....and it's killing me because I am trying to trust and not snoop...so instead what I see in front of me is a "drink" always in sight.
I am seeing a therapist, but it will take some time. We have too much in common, that I use it as justification as to why we should stay together and deal with this small problem. I rationalize and justify constantly thinking nobody is perfect, and if I found someone else...I would just find something wrong...so I tell myself to suck it up...it could be worse. So, I keep coming backup SR spilling my guts looking like the fool that I am. Maybe his problem isn't that bad...yeah, just keep telling myself that. Just keep lying to myself. Not cool.
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Old 04-22-2014, 08:27 AM
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Thanks all!! It's been almost 7 days with no contact. Yay me!!! Getting stronger everyday.
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Old 04-22-2014, 08:16 PM
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Congratulations! It's like breaking an addiction, isn't it? If anything happens to set you back a step or two, just know that you can come back to this point again. You'll keep getting stronger. I'm very happy for you.
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Old 04-22-2014, 09:29 PM
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Oops, I double posted, so I'm editing and giving you a picture.
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