How did you make the leap?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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How did you make the leap?
For months my life has been in limbo. Just waiting to see would things get better - would things get worse. My life revolves around my AH/RAH. Over the last month, I started a new job, engaged in a life outside of my life, stayed busy, started to pull away from the drama.
The question now is what is next? Do I make this separation permanent? Do I move? Do I go back to waiting and see? I thought I was ready to make the leap and make a decision but I am stalled out... go along get along has worked for me for so long.
There is part of me that doesn't remember how to set a course of where do I want to be....'One day at a time' really did get me so far and got me through situations that I read about but never could believe that I would get hit with....
So how do I get the push I need, the courage required to make a leap...make a decision...make someone angry....???
if you met me you would be surprised that this is my internal debate right now....
The question now is what is next? Do I make this separation permanent? Do I move? Do I go back to waiting and see? I thought I was ready to make the leap and make a decision but I am stalled out... go along get along has worked for me for so long.
There is part of me that doesn't remember how to set a course of where do I want to be....'One day at a time' really did get me so far and got me through situations that I read about but never could believe that I would get hit with....
So how do I get the push I need, the courage required to make a leap...make a decision...make someone angry....???
if you met me you would be surprised that this is my internal debate right now....
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
I was in so deep that I contorted 'one day at a time' into my own codependent National Anthem. Enmeshed is the word.
'How do I get the courage?' I asked. And you ask. I had a copy of 'courage to change' already. I barely had the courage to open it. I confess that I carried it in my backpack to work nearly every day of my relationship with my ex. I just carried it. With my umbrella.
The title is 'how did you make the leap'. Fittingly, it came in steps... First, there were the eviscerating, soul-crushing blackouts that even in my enmeshment, I could not forget and overlook. One in particular stuck with me. So i had a breakpoint or point of inflection in the graph, if you will. I saved that information. I was not ready yet to make a move. I loved her so much.
Then, I started to try and rekindle my passions outside the relationship. In my case, I am a musician. I don't make a living at it, but it is the vast majority of my identity. I had not written, nor shared online with my music buddies, a single thing since things started going downhill in the relationship. It's not like I was well enough to really do much at the time (and only getting there now), but I engaged with my passion more. It's not even like I 'detached' while doing this. But somehow the relationship dynamic changed a little, but noticeably, when I started doing this. I have to say things got a little worse.
Finally, I did mental experiments in relation to the relationship. For the first time ever, I spent time with her and watched her drink herself into oblivion as an outsider, instead of her caretaker, her future husband, her everything. It is not a fun exercise. Someone here once told me look at it from outside a circle. If you watch what is going on in the circle, it is insanity. For me, my entire relationship was 'wait and see'. I came to the conclusion that she would let me wait and see the rest of my life, until the stress of worrying about her and loving her at the same time killed me early probably.
I worked with my therapist on an extraction plan, because as I accurately predicted, my ex would not fully understand because her addiction was/is so deep and active. How did I make the leap? It's kind of like skydiving. I felt like there was only a small chance it would be worse (parachute would not open and I die) if I made the leap and got to the other side. It feels terrible even now to say I had to formulate an extraction plan. But that is how it was. The leap is when you see a better life on your own, or when I saw that I was suffering health consequences from stress. By the way, my parents were nearly killed last month, and I just had emergency surgery (first surgery of my life). That stuff doesn't hold a candle to the chaos and heartbreak I endured in the name of love and devotion before I made the leap...
'How do I get the courage?' I asked. And you ask. I had a copy of 'courage to change' already. I barely had the courage to open it. I confess that I carried it in my backpack to work nearly every day of my relationship with my ex. I just carried it. With my umbrella.
The title is 'how did you make the leap'. Fittingly, it came in steps... First, there were the eviscerating, soul-crushing blackouts that even in my enmeshment, I could not forget and overlook. One in particular stuck with me. So i had a breakpoint or point of inflection in the graph, if you will. I saved that information. I was not ready yet to make a move. I loved her so much.
Then, I started to try and rekindle my passions outside the relationship. In my case, I am a musician. I don't make a living at it, but it is the vast majority of my identity. I had not written, nor shared online with my music buddies, a single thing since things started going downhill in the relationship. It's not like I was well enough to really do much at the time (and only getting there now), but I engaged with my passion more. It's not even like I 'detached' while doing this. But somehow the relationship dynamic changed a little, but noticeably, when I started doing this. I have to say things got a little worse.
Finally, I did mental experiments in relation to the relationship. For the first time ever, I spent time with her and watched her drink herself into oblivion as an outsider, instead of her caretaker, her future husband, her everything. It is not a fun exercise. Someone here once told me look at it from outside a circle. If you watch what is going on in the circle, it is insanity. For me, my entire relationship was 'wait and see'. I came to the conclusion that she would let me wait and see the rest of my life, until the stress of worrying about her and loving her at the same time killed me early probably.
I worked with my therapist on an extraction plan, because as I accurately predicted, my ex would not fully understand because her addiction was/is so deep and active. How did I make the leap? It's kind of like skydiving. I felt like there was only a small chance it would be worse (parachute would not open and I die) if I made the leap and got to the other side. It feels terrible even now to say I had to formulate an extraction plan. But that is how it was. The leap is when you see a better life on your own, or when I saw that I was suffering health consequences from stress. By the way, my parents were nearly killed last month, and I just had emergency surgery (first surgery of my life). That stuff doesn't hold a candle to the chaos and heartbreak I endured in the name of love and devotion before I made the leap...
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Who says there is a leap that needs to be made?
I'm in a similar position as you I've been separated from my husband for 4 months. I'm doing therapy weekly, making new friends and cutting ties with old unhealthy ones, started a new business and am pursing a new field that I actually enjoy. I'm just focusing on each day as it happens. I don't need to fast forward to the next thing and I don't want to focus on what was, I try to enjoy what I have going on right now and to be honest, it's pretty cool!
As far as my own husband goes…we're letting things happen organically. Things are good for right now and we're both making strides individually. When this doesn't work for one of us anymore then we'll make changes.
I was a very impatient person and was always looking forward to outcomes, I couldn't wait for my baby to be born, or for her to sit up, eat solids, crawl, walk, talk, be potty trained, etc. If I live a life based on future outcomes then I'm missing what's happening now and discounting how good the present is. Sometimes a leap is necessary and good (I can't wait for my baby to not be sick anymore) and sometimes it's just not allowing things to happen at their own pace and a way to deflect the problems that we currently have.
If you don't know what you want to do (should I stay or should I go?) then maybe you're not ready to make a decision yet. Either way, it sounds like you're making awesome strides for yourself!
I'm in a similar position as you I've been separated from my husband for 4 months. I'm doing therapy weekly, making new friends and cutting ties with old unhealthy ones, started a new business and am pursing a new field that I actually enjoy. I'm just focusing on each day as it happens. I don't need to fast forward to the next thing and I don't want to focus on what was, I try to enjoy what I have going on right now and to be honest, it's pretty cool!
As far as my own husband goes…we're letting things happen organically. Things are good for right now and we're both making strides individually. When this doesn't work for one of us anymore then we'll make changes.
I was a very impatient person and was always looking forward to outcomes, I couldn't wait for my baby to be born, or for her to sit up, eat solids, crawl, walk, talk, be potty trained, etc. If I live a life based on future outcomes then I'm missing what's happening now and discounting how good the present is. Sometimes a leap is necessary and good (I can't wait for my baby to not be sick anymore) and sometimes it's just not allowing things to happen at their own pace and a way to deflect the problems that we currently have.
If you don't know what you want to do (should I stay or should I go?) then maybe you're not ready to make a decision yet. Either way, it sounds like you're making awesome strides for yourself!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I don't know if I will ever be ready. It does seem like a leap like you say needing a parachute. Married 10 years. Know that I can't do 20. The little lies, the big lies, the clean ups, the hospital stays, the jail time, loss of friends, and loss of things that excite me....even doing things for fun don't seem possible when you are in survival mode...work, kids, bills, and breaking away.
Both of your thoughts are helpful to me. Thanks for sharing these experiences. Al non is great and this forum.
My well meaning family wants to support me and has been good about giving me space. AHs family just wants me to go back while at the same time say I can't let go of the past (even if it was only a month ago) if I bring anything up.
It is crazy to have a debate about making a leap...it seems so obvious what to do....doesn't make it easy. Fear of doing the best thing or live in a fear of being able to speak ...recovery or no recovery.
Just trying to get there and glad to have you here w me.
Both of your thoughts are helpful to me. Thanks for sharing these experiences. Al non is great and this forum.
My well meaning family wants to support me and has been good about giving me space. AHs family just wants me to go back while at the same time say I can't let go of the past (even if it was only a month ago) if I bring anything up.
It is crazy to have a debate about making a leap...it seems so obvious what to do....doesn't make it easy. Fear of doing the best thing or live in a fear of being able to speak ...recovery or no recovery.
Just trying to get there and glad to have you here w me.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 22
I love this daily meditation reading from the book "the language of letting go" by Melody Beattie.
Letting go of those not in recovery:
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not in recovery.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and the darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth.We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Letting go of those not in recovery:
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not in recovery.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and the darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth.We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Hey Merry -- dunno exactly, with things being somewhat the same for me.
FIRST. I am FULLY getting MY crap in order. Working the Program, Doing the Steps Stuff, on and on.
That allows a clear mind.
SECOND. I would think one should look before you leap. I know some folks cite that one should dive out the window [NOW!] as the house is on fire, and it appears sometimes when they helped start the fire . . . . but I do not think that is the case for you or me.
So what and where do you want to leap to?
When you (and/or I) have a clear mind, and know what and where we are going towards, I think the "leap" will be rather obvious.
FIRST. I am FULLY getting MY crap in order. Working the Program, Doing the Steps Stuff, on and on.
That allows a clear mind.
SECOND. I would think one should look before you leap. I know some folks cite that one should dive out the window [NOW!] as the house is on fire, and it appears sometimes when they helped start the fire . . . . but I do not think that is the case for you or me.
So what and where do you want to leap to?
When you (and/or I) have a clear mind, and know what and where we are going towards, I think the "leap" will be rather obvious.
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Hi merry, it sounds like you're moving towards the inevitable at your own pace, but you feel like there's some timetable where you have to do X by a certain date.
Can I ask, when your in-laws urge you to go back, do you feel a strong resistance to what they're saying? If yes, then you do know your own mind.
Have you sat down with your AH and actually discussed a permanent separation, or are you afraid of making him angry?
Can I ask, when your in-laws urge you to go back, do you feel a strong resistance to what they're saying? If yes, then you do know your own mind.
Have you sat down with your AH and actually discussed a permanent separation, or are you afraid of making him angry?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Designgrl 
"Then some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway." Melody Beattie
I guess I would agree that for me it was not a leap, but more like crawling on hands and knees away from the fear, danger, dread and pain (so confusing because we LOVED each other!!) and toward quiet, calm, predictable, sanity.
I will love and miss him always. There will never be another like him. The kindest thing I ever did for him, and me, was let him go.
(hugs)
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Feeling great -
My RAH has said we need to make some decisions...that we have been separate since September. He has put other deadlines on me in the past but his drinking continued. I am very apprehensive to talk to him. I recognize much of this is on me to put a definitely line in the sand....for me it is as big as the day I moved out. My move out still had the under tone of hope and change could wave a magic wand. I have grown and know it was false hope and change is up to me.
I am more educated about how much this progressed and how fast. There is nothing in my being that will let me move back. But saying it out loud to someone I love and loved seems to be harder than even watching him suffer so much from his drinking. And he has suffered a lot and continues to face the consequences. Maybe I don't want to add to that. I do feel some compassion. I know I owe him that. Just some compassion even if we go separate ways. So you are on to something and have gotten there faster than me.... Is that why I am having trouble. I want to make the leap but wish I could control it and make it smooth as it can be. Haven't I always done that in each crisis. Tried to make it better for everyone...but it was never good for me.
My RAH has said we need to make some decisions...that we have been separate since September. He has put other deadlines on me in the past but his drinking continued. I am very apprehensive to talk to him. I recognize much of this is on me to put a definitely line in the sand....for me it is as big as the day I moved out. My move out still had the under tone of hope and change could wave a magic wand. I have grown and know it was false hope and change is up to me.
I am more educated about how much this progressed and how fast. There is nothing in my being that will let me move back. But saying it out loud to someone I love and loved seems to be harder than even watching him suffer so much from his drinking. And he has suffered a lot and continues to face the consequences. Maybe I don't want to add to that. I do feel some compassion. I know I owe him that. Just some compassion even if we go separate ways. So you are on to something and have gotten there faster than me.... Is that why I am having trouble. I want to make the leap but wish I could control it and make it smooth as it can be. Haven't I always done that in each crisis. Tried to make it better for everyone...but it was never good for me.
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Design girl
Thank you for the segment. I have been reading other books by that author. It is a good image to help me work through this.
Hammer. I have read a lot that you have posted and often see a thread and wondered and waited for your response. Your second point of where are you leaping to is a good question? A friend of mine said you need to start trying to build your visualization of where you are going? Is it possible I have lost my ability to dream what I want it to look like... Challenged by the past years of never knowing what the next day will bring in crisis mode. Yes I need to work on me because I need to be able to see at least with partial view where I am going...just wish the future had a prescription with 20/20 installed.
Thank you for the segment. I have been reading other books by that author. It is a good image to help me work through this.
Hammer. I have read a lot that you have posted and often see a thread and wondered and waited for your response. Your second point of where are you leaping to is a good question? A friend of mine said you need to start trying to build your visualization of where you are going? Is it possible I have lost my ability to dream what I want it to look like... Challenged by the past years of never knowing what the next day will bring in crisis mode. Yes I need to work on me because I need to be able to see at least with partial view where I am going...just wish the future had a prescription with 20/20 installed.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I don't know exactly how I did it merrygoround. My teen aged son did it first. He jumped shipped, moved in with my parents to escape his father. And still I stayed (in retrospect I can not believe I stayed.) I know I couldn't have done it without alanon. Not that anyone told me to leave... on the contrary, they told me not to make major decisions for 6 months. But, I knew I couldn't wait 6 more months for my kid to come home. Hell, I couldn't live like that for 6 more months. I did stay for 20 years.
STBXAH has been gone a few months now, my kid has been home for almost the same amount of time, and things are so much better than they were. Not perfect. There are still lots of scars that need healing. Relationships to mend. Things long neglected that need doing. We're all still in counseling, and likely will be for a very long time. But, I'm no longer just existing... I'm living, really living. And it feels great
STBXAH has been gone a few months now, my kid has been home for almost the same amount of time, and things are so much better than they were. Not perfect. There are still lots of scars that need healing. Relationships to mend. Things long neglected that need doing. We're all still in counseling, and likely will be for a very long time. But, I'm no longer just existing... I'm living, really living. And it feels great
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Only you can decide your own timeline and decisions. My best recommendation is therapy and support and to continue with a life outside of his addiction. Become YOU. Become the person you want to be and make decisions based on what that strong person wants out of life.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by merrygoround1
Hammer. I have read a lot that you have posted and often see a thread and wondered and waited for your response. Your second point of where are you leaping to is a good question? A friend of mine said you need to start trying to build your visualization of where you are going? Is it possible I have lost my ability to dream what I want it to look like... Challenged by the past years of never knowing what the next day will bring in crisis mode. Yes I need to work on me because I need to be able to see at least with partial view where I am going...just wish the future had a prescription with 20/20 installed.
All I can tell you is that the plan / method laid out in Step 11 is likely FAR better than most anything that you or I may dream up.
Step 11 : "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
AND . . .
ALL things work together for Good, for those who love God/Good.
So THAT is it. We should Love God/Good, and seek His Will and Way for you / I and then you / I are pretty much completely covered. Full contract, deed and deal, right there.
But I tend to agree that it is nice to know some of the good ahead . . . so there is always this if you must >>>
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...appy-list.html
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I didn't understand or let myself realize there is a lot going on with Gods plan or higher power.
I never knew I could leave ...actually do it.
In retrospect my inability to leave for so long came overnight with so many helpers for me all at once. How did I not know they were there...I think the word they use is fog.
Some new church friends I didn't really know made us a long term house guest until we found something permanent, finding out our priest actually kept very private his training in addiction, a very good friend always there I never knew was a child of an alcoholic...when I opened my mouth left and right a path was made. I am mainly the helper ...first time being the helped.
This next juncture seems like a leap
Odd to not take that step you would never know that things do work out....
I am surprised that I don't believe what happened could repeat itself....
I guess I am so used to expecting the bad...I don't let the possibilities of the good to take hold of my thinking.
Fear of how someone will react is paralyzing .... I am used to cleaning up not making a change. If anyone says to me..you are so strong I just get tongue tied. I don't think surviving is strong- changing is strong.
Hope I can turn my crappy to happy hooah
Thanks
I never knew I could leave ...actually do it.
In retrospect my inability to leave for so long came overnight with so many helpers for me all at once. How did I not know they were there...I think the word they use is fog.
Some new church friends I didn't really know made us a long term house guest until we found something permanent, finding out our priest actually kept very private his training in addiction, a very good friend always there I never knew was a child of an alcoholic...when I opened my mouth left and right a path was made. I am mainly the helper ...first time being the helped.
This next juncture seems like a leap
Odd to not take that step you would never know that things do work out....
I am surprised that I don't believe what happened could repeat itself....
I guess I am so used to expecting the bad...I don't let the possibilities of the good to take hold of my thinking.
Fear of how someone will react is paralyzing .... I am used to cleaning up not making a change. If anyone says to me..you are so strong I just get tongue tied. I don't think surviving is strong- changing is strong.
Hope I can turn my crappy to happy hooah
Thanks
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
merry - a leap is nothing more than the next step. one step at a time.
life will unfold as it will......we can either see everything as a challenge or an obstacle....OR see it as the next great thing to happen in our lives.
life will unfold as it will......we can either see everything as a challenge or an obstacle....OR see it as the next great thing to happen in our lives.
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