The gesture of kindness...
 

Good Morning All,
I hope today is going good. I was wondering if a gesture of kindness is considered a break in detachment? Easter will be here soon, and I figured maybe a gift basket of some sort to my exAbf & aunt would be allowed. He just lost his mother a few months ago. We haven't texted in a month- no contact at all. But I figured... It's Easter soon & I thought a kind gesture would be okay? Yes, he drank way to much when we where together & he used as well. I remember thinking "Oh Dear Lord, here we go again- he wil have to sleep it off tonight" "he's self medicating & being moody-I shouldn't be here anymore" these are thoughts I felt. But in my giving nature- I figured a little kindness with No Expectation from him or his family. Just me being a nice person. What do you guys think? Thanks all & I'm sorry to bother you. Bernadette777, have a blessed day.

Why? Give a gift basket to charity if you want to make a nice gesture to someone who deserves it.

Hello.

I think it is a nice thing you are thinking, but the alcoholics mind does not work in the same way as yours. Your act of kindness will be taken as an open opportunity to open up contact. Is that what you want? I ask out of kindness, not spite.

You are doing good with no contact, I would not send a basket. Just my opinion of course.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Bernadette, what a beautiful idea! Your giving nature is a very good thing. I agree the direction of it may be misplaced. Perhaps pass it forward to a DV shelter, hospital, nursing home or someone who's helped you? :)

Agreed with all above. I'd want to give as well but it won't be received with healthy appreciation. It might be more like "Got you again, sucka!" Donate and give back, it is so healing to the soul.

Flip this around....if you lost a parent and had been no contact with him for a month, would he and his Aunt prep a gift basket for you with kindness and compassion? NO THEY WOULD NOT.

I give to those who reciprocate....the nursing home where my mother spent the last 3 years of her life are filled with very many people who would be thrilled to get a little gesture....If that doesn't work for you, a giant box of dog biscuits to the local animal shelter.

Hi All,
Thank you all for your responses. I'm grateful for your wisdom, time & thoughts. I know, I realize I shouldn't send the exAbf a Easter gift basket. I thought to shame him by sending the gift - but I'll pick up a bill at a diner for a family- anonymously of course. I love doing stuff like that. Wish you all well.

Oh my goodness, Bernadette! What an utterly gorgeous idea re picking up the bill! Hugs to you! I'm living on a budget ATM as STBXAH lost his job and gives us nothing (we manage though) so to try and give a bit back to the wonderful local addiction charity who provide counselling for myself and my eldest, we are making up and mum & baby package for someone who may have to leave their home suddenly. We buy little things every week to add to it and are planning on giving it to our worker to give anonymously when it's needed by another mum. I can relate to your original post re Easter basket (I'm in no contact at all with STBXAH and have been for 4 months-all visits are supervised at a family centre and they talk to me separately with details) but I have the odd wobble. I don't act on them but it's been a learning curve. I'm v glad you've decided not to do it as agree with others here re inviting comms from him when your mind is probs just a bit less stressed now you're away from him. Stay strong and peaceful! Hugs from Bonny Scotland.

That sounds like a fantastic idea, Bernadette. I hope you have a wonderful Easter! This is a great time of year to think about the new life you're beginning. You're doing an amazing job.

Hi Steffi,

Scotland? Wow & cool. Always loved everything Scottish. That's beautiful what you do for the fam who needs to get out quick. God bless you too for your kindness & generosity. Don't get me wrong, I'm no millionaire- just a worker like everybody else... but I try to show random kindness. I never like to let anybody know what I give. Just want them to be happy. God bless & stay well. I'm across the pond.

Thanks SeriousKarma,

I'm trying, believe me, I'm trying to not feel guilty for not reaching out to him. he walked away from me. Like Madea (Tyler Perry(says: if somebody don't want to be in your life... Let 'em go. ) I appreciate your time & response. Thank you again. It's not easy but, the more I try to remember the facts of who he is & who he is now.. It makes it a little easier. When I think of how he made me feel bad because I couldn't (bad ulcer) & didn't want to drink with him... He sucks. Damn it. Yeah, he sucks. Thanks again.

I'm going to play devil's advocate (and I don't at all mean this is a negative way just some thoughts based on my own experiences)....you mention in the original post "Just me being a nice person." While of course there is nothing wrong with being nice my thought was - well why do you feel you need to be nice? And I don't mean that mean at all - I used to do nice things for others (rather than myself) to feel better about me so that's why I asked....and what I found through counseling and therapy was that was me not feeling good about me and trying to get that good feeling by helping others (it didn't work I had to find myself and my own inner confidence to find that feeling). So while helping can be a good thing it can also be not so good sometimes is what I learned. For me I believe that nice/helping thing (while neglecting me) was what kept me stuck in my alcoholic marriage about four years longer than I wanted to be there.

Instead...I started doing nice things for myself...once I did that I felt better about me and more confident, now am I never nice to others? Of course not but I don't make a conscious choice to do so instead if in the moment I feel it in my gut I do it, otherwise not. For me that has been very healing...now maybe that doesn't work for everyone...but how about treating yourself to a nice dinner and a nice manicure/haircut or whatever? Just my two cents to take or leave. :)

Of course I give but I've found I can't give to others until I take care of myself first. :D

PS - I used to feel guilty too - in counseling I learned that that was conditioned into me through my childhood with a narcissistic personality disorder mother and an alcoholic father. The only way I unlearned that behavior was through a wise impartial counselor.....that's not the only way of course just my path.

Hi Aeryn,

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your time & effort. As for me, I just love giving to people. No reason, if I see somebody who needs a hand, I help. Simple. Don't get me wrong, I treat myself fine- real well. Im Nice & high maintenance:) I just love giving. But thank you for your thoughts & time. It's appreciated. Bernadette777:)

I appreciate you thanking me for my time but no thank you or response needed. That was just ESH to take or leave, it wasn't advice or something I needed thanked for, and if I didn't have the time I wouldn't have posted. I actually prefer my ESH to just sit there and not have a reply. Thanks anyway though. :)

LOL at high maintenance....good for you! ;) Hope you have a great Easter weekend! :)

Hi Aeryn,
what is ESH? I'm sorry, I just got the hang of posting... I'm dumb with this stuff. Sorry. And hope you have a Blessed Easter too:) peace.

Ohhhhh....it's Experience Strength and Hope...I learned it from Alanon meetings but I'm not sure where it started. So basically we just share our experience and then others can take it or leave it as they see fit. It was weird for me at first when I went to my first meeting but now it makes sense because that way it's not advice. I'm not a super Alanon attender but I guess that's one of their concepts that stuck for me.

Hi Aeryn,

Thank you (TY for the ESH:) got it!

Bernadette, I understand. I too am a person who likes to pay it forward and help out others. However in this case I encourage you to help someone who actually deserves it, not someone who does not.

God Bless my friend!

Thank you Hopeful4,

Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for your kind & wise words, I won't give a gift basket to him. You're right, he doesn't deserve it or me. I'm just pissed off by his lack of manners. Bernadette777