My husband is drinking again
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by maggies 
I feel like a fool.5 dui's, 11 rehabs, psych wards, revolving door jail, and on and on. When will he hit his bottom? My older kids are afraid to bring friends over because they know dad will be stumbling around. I feel like I am going insane. When he wakes up he is going to be angry I threw the beer out. He will have to ride his bike the 2 miles to the store to buy more.
The cats already out of the bag, me thinks!! I think people will think.....finally maggies is getting some needed help. Good for her!!
Over time you will learn that it's really none of your business what others think about you. That was a powerful and freeing concept to learn.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, maggies;
I hope you were able to get some decent rest last night.
I will never tell you to stay or go in your marriage. That's not something that anyone else has the right to decide for you, and it is a very personal decision.
I do hope, for your sake and for the sake of your kids still at home, that you will put some boundaries in place about what is and what is not acceptable behavior around you. If your husband loses his job, and it sounds as though that is imminent from what you have said, you will have to do what needs to be done to keep a roof over your head and your childrens' heads. I'm sorry that it may not be the house in which they grew up, but young people are adaptable to an amazing degree.
But one very important thing is also true, you owe it to yourself to take the time to really think about all of this and decide what will be the best course of action for you and your children. Not everything has to be decided right this very second--in the next breath.
I don't have the answers for you, maggies. None of us do. We can be here to support you through whatever decisions you make and whatever life throws your way.
I hope you were able to get some decent rest last night.
I will never tell you to stay or go in your marriage. That's not something that anyone else has the right to decide for you, and it is a very personal decision.
I do hope, for your sake and for the sake of your kids still at home, that you will put some boundaries in place about what is and what is not acceptable behavior around you. If your husband loses his job, and it sounds as though that is imminent from what you have said, you will have to do what needs to be done to keep a roof over your head and your childrens' heads. I'm sorry that it may not be the house in which they grew up, but young people are adaptable to an amazing degree.
But one very important thing is also true, you owe it to yourself to take the time to really think about all of this and decide what will be the best course of action for you and your children. Not everything has to be decided right this very second--in the next breath.
I don't have the answers for you, maggies. None of us do. We can be here to support you through whatever decisions you make and whatever life throws your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Maggies - I hope you were able to get some sleep.
Some addicts don't have bottoms. The logical side of your brain says "well if ______ happens that has to be it!" Well, no - it doesn't.
Its sad, very sad - but it is true that some people never beat this disease. No one can say if this is your husband. What I can say from what you have told us is that I do not believe that he is anywhere close to wanting to recover. The body can sustain more than we imagine. There are people that drink like this for YEARS, years and years and somehow they live until one day it is too late. Sometimes that is when someone reaches bottom, when it is too damn late.
I had an Uncle who was an alcoholic - he was a very quiet A. I did not know he was one until I was in my 30's when my father told me. I had always thought he was just shy as he was not very interactive at family gatherings. Finally it took its toll and he started having more problems. He was told to quit drinking or he would die. He kept drinking. It took about 3 more years. My Aunt found him passed out on the garage floor. He had severe cirrhosis and had developed alcoholic hepatitis. It was too late. His liver beyond repair. Heart attack on top of it. He died a horrific death he never made it out of the hospital. He had been very, very sick that last year yet continued to drink. He never EVER made an attempt to get sober.
Let go or be dragged.
As far as worrying about being seen at Al Anon or AA, you need to put your pride behind you. Do you really think people don't know this about your husband? They do. If anyone has a problem with you attending Al Anon they are not your friend.
Take a look at your finances and do what you can. Start stocking away money. Protect yourself!
I am really sorry - I hope today is a better day and you get some clarity on how to proceed.
Some addicts don't have bottoms. The logical side of your brain says "well if ______ happens that has to be it!" Well, no - it doesn't.
Its sad, very sad - but it is true that some people never beat this disease. No one can say if this is your husband. What I can say from what you have told us is that I do not believe that he is anywhere close to wanting to recover. The body can sustain more than we imagine. There are people that drink like this for YEARS, years and years and somehow they live until one day it is too late. Sometimes that is when someone reaches bottom, when it is too damn late.
I had an Uncle who was an alcoholic - he was a very quiet A. I did not know he was one until I was in my 30's when my father told me. I had always thought he was just shy as he was not very interactive at family gatherings. Finally it took its toll and he started having more problems. He was told to quit drinking or he would die. He kept drinking. It took about 3 more years. My Aunt found him passed out on the garage floor. He had severe cirrhosis and had developed alcoholic hepatitis. It was too late. His liver beyond repair. Heart attack on top of it. He died a horrific death he never made it out of the hospital. He had been very, very sick that last year yet continued to drink. He never EVER made an attempt to get sober.
Let go or be dragged.
As far as worrying about being seen at Al Anon or AA, you need to put your pride behind you. Do you really think people don't know this about your husband? They do. If anyone has a problem with you attending Al Anon they are not your friend.
Take a look at your finances and do what you can. Start stocking away money. Protect yourself!
I am really sorry - I hope today is a better day and you get some clarity on how to proceed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
during the tragic years of my marriage to my xah, it slowly became clear to me that the only way to help him, myself, and my family was for me to get help myself.
it was so hard to accept that and let it go....I was deeply in love with my H, just like the rest of us.....I believed things could change.
not until I went to al-anon and started to breathe a little, did I realize how I had made things so much harder for the both of us.
never would i have realized how truly sick i had become during the chaos that i called my life. never would i have made changes in my own way of thinking that actually had positive effects on my AH. i gained some respect for his decisions. i learned how to best take care of my family in the situation.
not once did anyone in al-anon suggest i end my marriage....they just taught me how to take care of myself and family.
i was starving for insight. they provided that need. my family was wounded. they helped me learn how to begin the healing. i was angry. they helped me direct that anger. i was confused, bewildered, numb, hurt, foggy. they helped me focus, wake-up, and become whole again.
al-anon. it works. if you go. if you want it to be better.
nothing i had tried had fixed my situation up till that point. i didn't do so well following my own plan.
it was so hard to accept that and let it go....I was deeply in love with my H, just like the rest of us.....I believed things could change.
not until I went to al-anon and started to breathe a little, did I realize how I had made things so much harder for the both of us.
never would i have realized how truly sick i had become during the chaos that i called my life. never would i have made changes in my own way of thinking that actually had positive effects on my AH. i gained some respect for his decisions. i learned how to best take care of my family in the situation.
not once did anyone in al-anon suggest i end my marriage....they just taught me how to take care of myself and family.
i was starving for insight. they provided that need. my family was wounded. they helped me learn how to begin the healing. i was angry. they helped me direct that anger. i was confused, bewildered, numb, hurt, foggy. they helped me focus, wake-up, and become whole again.
al-anon. it works. if you go. if you want it to be better.
nothing i had tried had fixed my situation up till that point. i didn't do so well following my own plan.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
That's about all it took for me. And I don't go to Al Anon anymore (the knitters irritate me and the women who stay with their abusers and do nothing about it irritate me).
All I ever need to remember is that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. Once I started to listen to that and see that it was the truth, OMFG! I was FREE!!!!!
Step 1 was my truth when it came to my abusive, alcoholic husband. I was powerless over his use of alcohol and other drugs.
And my XAH was an emotionally abusive ******** who has never made it into jail or onto probation - yet. Yours has loads more issues on the public record than mine ever did. If you ever walk through the doors of Al Anon it won't be telling the town something they don't know already.
You are powerless over his use of alcohol. There aint nothing you can do to stop him. No magic spell, pill or potion.
Doling out the antabuse on schedule isn't working. Breathalyzing him isn't working.
What's your plan B?
That's about all it took for me. And I don't go to Al Anon anymore (the knitters irritate me and the women who stay with their abusers and do nothing about it irritate me).
All I ever need to remember is that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. Once I started to listen to that and see that it was the truth, OMFG! I was FREE!!!!!
Step 1 was my truth when it came to my abusive, alcoholic husband. I was powerless over his use of alcohol and other drugs.
And my XAH was an emotionally abusive ******** who has never made it into jail or onto probation - yet. Yours has loads more issues on the public record than mine ever did. If you ever walk through the doors of Al Anon it won't be telling the town something they don't know already.
You are powerless over his use of alcohol. There aint nothing you can do to stop him. No magic spell, pill or potion.
Doling out the antabuse on schedule isn't working. Breathalyzing him isn't working.
What's your plan B?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
It's a horrible thing to feel like a fool...I hate that feeling. It still bothers me but I am getting better at letting it go. It's all so incredibly sad. Some days are better than others but I am focusing on myself now. As much as I wish my AH would get help and make his life better I can't make him. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
Admit it... you are out if control.
It's okay to take baby steps and in your own time. You've mentioned God. What works best for me is to find quiet moments to talk with God and then be still and listen. To empty my mind. That listening part was the hardest and took a long time working on. My thoughts kept going round and I couldn't let go. It didn't happen overnight. God is there for us. Sometimes I haven't always lived that truth even when I know it, especially when He's not giving me the answers I want. That changes when I turn to Him and to listen to Him. He leads me to where I need to be when I can get out of my own way and listen.
For those here who aren't believers or believe in some other understanding of their HP, that can be put in different terms and yet it's all the same to me.
It's okay to admit when my life is out of control. It's okay to let go of my fears. It's damn hard to do, but it really is okay.
How are you doing today, maggie?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Besides the mental abuse and my and my children's anxiety, this is why I left. I have no plans to hold my XAH's hand while he kills himself. His choices, his consequences.
Suki...I am so sorry you went through that. XXX
Suki...I am so sorry you went through that. XXX
Originally Posted by suki44883
Maggies...My father died from alcohol related reasons. They rarely just drop dead. It's a slow and agonizing death. My father was bed-ridden for over a year before he ever went to the hospital. He looked 12 months pregnant. His skin was yellow. His eyes were yellow. His legs, ankles and feet were swollen until I thought the skin would burst open. He couldn't keep anything on his stomach. The liver stops working, the kidneys shut down and they are basically poisoned to death. It is not pleasant to watch and I sincerely hope you and your children don't have to witness it.
PLEASE do something for yourself and your children. You have no power over his drinking.
PLEASE do something for yourself and your children. You have no power over his drinking.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My older kids are afraid to bring friends over because they know dad will be stumbling around.
I think you're right -- it is time to do something.
And let me say this: You say you feel like a fool.
I said I felt weak. Like there was something wrong with me that I had stayed with a drunk for so long.
My counselor shook her head and said: "Weak is not a word I would use for any person who has been able to navigate what you have been navigating. Anyone who is strong enough to live like that is strong enough to create a new and better life for herself and her children. You're not that frightened little animal you think you are. You are stronger than most."
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Your children are screaming out for help. When your husband continues down this road, and make no question, it will continue, who is going to advocate for them? They are children, they need stability and happiness in their home. It's not the actual roof over their head, it is the kindness, caring, and happiness that makes a HOME. I feel so badly for them, the anxiety they must feel has to be huge.
Stand up, if not for yourself, for your children. You bore them, they are your responsibility to take care of, obviously dad is not going to do it.
And...if anyone sees you going into a meeting let me ask you a question, why do you think they are there? You need to stop with the overthinking about your husband and start taking care of you and your children. They should be able to have friends in their home and ride their bikes. You may think you are covering up for him, but believe me, your not.
I am not trying to sound harsh, but I see how long I stayed and how it has damaged my kids. Every day they are exposed to his behavior is a day they are being damaged. Why not take the focus off of him, his brain scans, his alcohol consumption, trying to control him, and make lists and do small things that can help you and your children. If they sense your shame in all of it they too will feel shame and won't have a support system because they won't want to open up to anyone.
Good Luck and God Bless to you and your kids.
Stand up, if not for yourself, for your children. You bore them, they are your responsibility to take care of, obviously dad is not going to do it.
And...if anyone sees you going into a meeting let me ask you a question, why do you think they are there? You need to stop with the overthinking about your husband and start taking care of you and your children. They should be able to have friends in their home and ride their bikes. You may think you are covering up for him, but believe me, your not.
I am not trying to sound harsh, but I see how long I stayed and how it has damaged my kids. Every day they are exposed to his behavior is a day they are being damaged. Why not take the focus off of him, his brain scans, his alcohol consumption, trying to control him, and make lists and do small things that can help you and your children. If they sense your shame in all of it they too will feel shame and won't have a support system because they won't want to open up to anyone.
Good Luck and God Bless to you and your kids.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I went to an adult child of alcoholic workshop. We did something called "the alcoholic dance". The two parents begin to dance, but the alcoholic partner starts swinging wildly and taking erratic steps, and it became harder and harder for his/her partner to keep up. Then the kids get in the middle and the partners start to lose their grip on each others hands. Soon nobody can dance!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
PLEASE! Don't ever consider administering a controlled substance to your husband on the sly without his knowledge. That is illegal and you could have serious consequences if something bad happened. You need to find another alternative.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 95
Thank you everyone. I plan on taking me and the kids to my mothers house Friday night for the weekend. I will think about what to do next. My husband went through a 30 day ativan prescription in a few days and is continuing to drink. He has to smell like booze at work so I know his firing will be soon. He admitted that he was putting the anabuse in his cheek and not swallowing the pills. The garage looks horrible. Almost 100 empty beer cans everywhere.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh, Maggie, I am so sorry to hear this. I really wish that we'd been wrong. At least you have not been completely blindsided without support.
I am glad you will be able to go stay at your Mom's and step away from the front seat to the drama for at least a couple of days.
If I were you, I would pull out as much money as I could, I was not wise enough to do this but I sure should have.
I know you must be very discouraged so I hope you get a weekend of rest and peace.
(((((hugs)))))
I am glad you will be able to go stay at your Mom's and step away from the front seat to the drama for at least a couple of days.
If I were you, I would pull out as much money as I could, I was not wise enough to do this but I sure should have.
I know you must be very discouraged so I hope you get a weekend of rest and peace.
(((((hugs)))))
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am sorry Maggies. I truly know how heart breaking this all is. I remember being more afraid of what I might do to him at one point. I had become literally crazy and didn't trust myself any more.
I am wondering if you ever listened to the you-tubes I posted. Mary Pearl and/or Kathy H. If anything, It will give some comic relief, understanding that you are not alone, and a little education of the benefits of Alanon.
I am wondering if you ever listened to the you-tubes I posted. Mary Pearl and/or Kathy H. If anything, It will give some comic relief, understanding that you are not alone, and a little education of the benefits of Alanon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 95
My husband will have to ride his bike to work on Saturday. I think he is going to have an accident one day but at least he's not behind the wheel of our SUV anymore. He seems to think that because 2 of his dui's were from the late 80's that they do not count anymore and he can get his license back one day. I told him that he shouldn't be so hopeful. From what I researched, he will never legally drive again.
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