My husband is drinking again
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 95
lovemenow, I can go to my mothers house. But then I would have to travel quite a bit to the kids school. I think it is time to do something. This chaos has been going on for years. And I think my kids may be negatively effected.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Maggies, recovery looks different for different people. Some people have a big huge epiphany after a horrible crisis. For others, it is little baby steps here and there, until they total up to something that prompts action and recovery for one's self.
However your recovery takes shape, I hope you will keep coming back here. Progress, not perfection. Give yourself a TON of credit for each step you take to make changes for your own sake, and for your children's sake.
Sending you ((HUGS)) and strength.
However your recovery takes shape, I hope you will keep coming back here. Progress, not perfection. Give yourself a TON of credit for each step you take to make changes for your own sake, and for your children's sake.
Sending you ((HUGS)) and strength.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Your 5 year old knows Dad isn't acting right again. He can't do a normal kid thing like ride his bike because you need to keep him out of the garage. Yes, your kids are most definitely affected. The sad thing is, if someone doesn't step in to rescue them now, they will suffer the effects long into adulthood. Just read in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum.
I can sense the energy you are spending on this. Spinning and spinning your wheels. Until you give up trying to control him and his disease, you will continue to spin. When we get to the point of searching for liquor and pouring it out, slipping meds in their foods, covering up for them (the bike incident)....we have become as sick as they are. Your kids need ONE solid healthy parent.
I truly hope you take a chance and find an AlAnon group. What do you have to lose at this point? Nothing you've tried so far has worked, maybe give this a chance.
I can sense the energy you are spending on this. Spinning and spinning your wheels. Until you give up trying to control him and his disease, you will continue to spin. When we get to the point of searching for liquor and pouring it out, slipping meds in their foods, covering up for them (the bike incident)....we have become as sick as they are. Your kids need ONE solid healthy parent.
I truly hope you take a chance and find an AlAnon group. What do you have to lose at this point? Nothing you've tried so far has worked, maybe give this a chance.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Maggies...My father died from alcohol related reasons. They rarely just drop dead. It's a slow and agonizing death. My father was bed-ridden for over a year before he ever went to the hospital. He looked 12 months pregnant. His skin was yellow. His eyes were yellow. His legs, ankles and feet were swollen until I thought the skin would burst open. He couldn't keep anything on his stomach. The liver stops working, the kidneys shut down and they are basically poisoned to death. It is not pleasant to watch and I sincerely hope you and your children don't have to witness it.
PLEASE do something for yourself and your children. You have no power over his drinking.
PLEASE do something for yourself and your children. You have no power over his drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 95
I feel like a fool.5 dui's, 11 rehabs, psych wards, revolving door jail, and on and on. When will he hit his bottom? My older kids are afraid to bring friends over because they know dad will be stumbling around. I feel like I am going insane. When he wakes up he is going to be angry I threw the beer out. He will have to ride his bike the 2 miles to the store to buy more.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I felt like a fool for a long, long time too Maggie. RAH was a secret drinker & I was beyond stunned to find out the lengths he had gone to over a couple of years to hide his entire secret drinking life. After close to 17 yrs of marriage, that feeling of shame & embarrassment hit me hard.
You aren't alone - we've all gone through these stages. Keep talking through it, keep getting more honest with yourself. Denial can be seriously strong stuff to let go of, but you're getting there.
You aren't alone - we've all gone through these stages. Keep talking through it, keep getting more honest with yourself. Denial can be seriously strong stuff to let go of, but you're getting there.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's when do YOU hit YOUR bottom with this insanity. and it sounds like you are getting close. yes your kids ARE affected. yes YOU are affected. YES he will keep drinking, regardless of what you do....
does the man need HELP? oh yes. but SO DO YOU. after the litany of DUI's and rehabs and every other type of "help" HE is still drinking. FACT.
he probably will lose his job. almost FACT. it's time to work on a plan for YOU....it's crisis time hon, you gotta get moving.
does the man need HELP? oh yes. but SO DO YOU. after the litany of DUI's and rehabs and every other type of "help" HE is still drinking. FACT.
he probably will lose his job. almost FACT. it's time to work on a plan for YOU....it's crisis time hon, you gotta get moving.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by maggies 
shil, I refuse to let my husband drink. It has become almost an obsession and my husband just doesn't seem to care. I fear he is drinking first thing in the morning on his way to work. If he loses his job we will lose the house.
You aren't stopping him from drinking either, he is still choosing to.
You are not letting him abuse prescription drugs, he is choosing to.
Your focus is on him, his focus is on him. Do you see the imbalance?
Choose you Maggie. You & your kids both benefit when you start choosing you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 95
I believe his job has been an enabler for many years. His doctor also should bear some responsibility for prescribing him whatever medication he wants. How does the shop keeper sleep at night knowing that he is destroying lives? The previous owners would refuse to sell to him if he was extremely drunk. I have to accept that I enabled him also but there are plenty of others in his life who contribute to his alcoholism.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Originally Posted by maggies
I believe his job has been an enabler for many years. His doctor also should bear some responsibility for prescribing him whatever medication he wants. How does the shop keeper sleep at night knowing that he is destroying lives? The previous owners would refuse to sell to him if he was extremely drunk. I have to accept that I enabled him also but there are plenty of others in his life who contribute to his alcoholism.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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and haven't YOU enabled by "standing by him" thru all his BS???
the doctor probably doesn't know the whole truth.
the shopkeeper is in business, selling a product. it's not HIS job to keep anyone sober.
alcoholics touch so many lives in so many ways. the WORLD can't keep him sober. HE HAS TO. you gave him Antabuse daily and he still drank. you dumped out his stash of beer, which he will replenish.
take the focus off of him for one second. what are YOU going to do?????
the doctor probably doesn't know the whole truth.
the shopkeeper is in business, selling a product. it's not HIS job to keep anyone sober.
alcoholics touch so many lives in so many ways. the WORLD can't keep him sober. HE HAS TO. you gave him Antabuse daily and he still drank. you dumped out his stash of beer, which he will replenish.
take the focus off of him for one second. what are YOU going to do?????
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh maggies, I hung on and hung on. I didn't want to lose my husband or my house either. I tried to control everything, including the money. Nothing worked!! In the end, I lost everything any way, including my home. I called my lawyer and told her I wanted to surrender it. It was heartbreaking but you know what?? It was also sooooo freeing.
For a while, I beat myself up with the "how could I be so stupid" talk. None of it was stupid if I learned something and helped me become a healthier person. I still have a long way to go but working on me has actually been amazing. I hope you join me!!
For a while, I beat myself up with the "how could I be so stupid" talk. None of it was stupid if I learned something and helped me become a healthier person. I still have a long way to go but working on me has actually been amazing. I hope you join me!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 95
anvilhead, I took my marriage vows seriously. Is my husband not a sick man? He has had brain scans that show some brain damage. When he goes on his benders I believe that he cannot stop physically. My oldest son even said to me, "mom, dad is a drunk why do you stay with him?" I am proud of him that at least he is no longer driving loaded. His next dui, will end up in a prison sentence. Maybe I will try an Alanon meetings but the AA club is in the downtown area and I'm afraid someone may see me entering.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
maggies, when are you going to hit YOUR bottom? believe all of us here....you ain't seen nothing yet about how bad this can get for you.
everyone here is probably a recovering or active co-dependent and just like we tried to save our alcoholics, it appears we are trying just as hard to help save you from what we know is inevitable.
you are receiving excellent advice and support, but you may not be ready yet to apply it to your situation.
i fought it too. found excuse after excuse to justify keeping my marriage intact.
when i found myself swallowing a bottle of pills and woke up from a coma 5 days later, with my children around me....devastated.....absolutely devastated.....i got down on my knees and surrendered to my higher power.
i am not the kind of person that had EVER, EVER, EVER thought of hurting myself. was always strong, confident, determined.
but i did it. so i guess i am now that kind of person.
when you hit your bottom, we will still be here.
everyone here is probably a recovering or active co-dependent and just like we tried to save our alcoholics, it appears we are trying just as hard to help save you from what we know is inevitable.
you are receiving excellent advice and support, but you may not be ready yet to apply it to your situation.
i fought it too. found excuse after excuse to justify keeping my marriage intact.
when i found myself swallowing a bottle of pills and woke up from a coma 5 days later, with my children around me....devastated.....absolutely devastated.....i got down on my knees and surrendered to my higher power.
i am not the kind of person that had EVER, EVER, EVER thought of hurting myself. was always strong, confident, determined.
but i did it. so i guess i am now that kind of person.
when you hit your bottom, we will still be here.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Originally Posted by maggies
His next dui, will end up in a prison sentence.
It took me a long time to be able to see that would be a very good thing. In prison, the A can't drink and has yet again another opportunity to get help for themselves that they continually refuse from us. I met one of these men. It took being in prison, federal charges and a lot to deal with on his own to face up to himself. He said it was the only thing that got him turned around. He lost his high paying job, had tons of fines and restitution and that doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things -- he now finally has a bright future ahead of him.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Originally Posted by embraced2000
maggies, when are you going to hit YOUR bottom? believe all of us here....you ain't seen nothing yet about how bad this can get for you.
everyone here is probably a recovering or active co-dependent and just like we tried to save our alcoholics, it appears we are trying just as hard to help save you from what we know is inevitable.
you are receiving excellent advice and support, but you may not be ready yet to apply it to your situation.
i fought it too. found excuse after excuse to justify keeping my marriage intact.
when i found myself swallowing a bottle of pills and woke up from a coma 5 days later, with my children around me....devastated.....absolutely devastated.....i got down on my knees and surrendered to my higher power.
i am not the kind of person that had EVER, EVER, EVER thought of hurting myself. was always strong, confident, determined.
but i did it. so i guess i am now that kind of person.
when you hit your bottom, we will still be here.
everyone here is probably a recovering or active co-dependent and just like we tried to save our alcoholics, it appears we are trying just as hard to help save you from what we know is inevitable.
you are receiving excellent advice and support, but you may not be ready yet to apply it to your situation.
i fought it too. found excuse after excuse to justify keeping my marriage intact.
when i found myself swallowing a bottle of pills and woke up from a coma 5 days later, with my children around me....devastated.....absolutely devastated.....i got down on my knees and surrendered to my higher power.
i am not the kind of person that had EVER, EVER, EVER thought of hurting myself. was always strong, confident, determined.
but i did it. so i guess i am now that kind of person.
when you hit your bottom, we will still be here.
Are you afraid of his anger when he wakes up? Are the children?
Alcoholism is a family disease, it has made you and your children sick also. You need help now. You did not sign on for this but here you are, sadly.
I quoted Embraced because there is so much truth in it.
A lot of us are turning up for you because we see a crisis and we know how very much worse things can get.
Your marriage vows, your marriage is broken when it cannot provide a safe home for your children to flourish in. It is damaging them instead. This is not what you intended when you married.
He may never hit bottom, most do not.
Would you take some time to work your way thro the stickies up top of this forum? The more you read around on here, the more information and knowledge you will gain.
I hope your bottom is not as low as mine was.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by maggies
I took my marriage vows seriously.
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Location: Sweden
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Those moments in life we are so terrified of end up being truly amazing when we finally take the first step. I was terrified to step into the office of outpatient rehab. My heart was pounding so much that they thought about calling an ambulance because of my blood pressure!
But the feeling I had when I left was like I'd grown a pair of wings and the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe you have a long drive to take the kids to school. You know that is not really a big deal. People often have long drives to work. People have long drives to a lot of places.
But I'm guessing that when you take this first step, take the kids and go, you will feel a lot of fear, but then you just might have that amazing feeling that the weight of the world is falling from your shoulders!
But the feeling I had when I left was like I'd grown a pair of wings and the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe you have a long drive to take the kids to school. You know that is not really a big deal. People often have long drives to work. People have long drives to a lot of places.
But I'm guessing that when you take this first step, take the kids and go, you will feel a lot of fear, but then you just might have that amazing feeling that the weight of the world is falling from your shoulders!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by maggies
Maybe I will try an Alanon meetings but the AA club is in the downtown area and I'm afraid someone may see me entering.
I'm not asking in a snarky manner. I really mean it. Think about what you're really afraid of.
Admitting that you can't control him? Admitting that things have gone way too far, and you just can't believe where you find yourself? Admitting that you feel alone and scared? Admitting that you fear for your children and how they've been affected? Admitting that you fear the loss of your home?
Those are all very real, very legitimate fears, Maggies. Walking into that first Alanon meeting is scary too, but it kind of pales in comparison to those other fears. Many, many others have mustered the courage to do so, and you can too if you wish. You don't HAVE to live the way you have been. Like Littlefish said, you CAN choose to let the weight of the world slide off your shoulders. It's not your load to carry, anyway.
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