AnvilheadII

it is really OK to finally give up the notion that you could EVER control his drinking. you can't make him stop. the antabuse won't make him stop. the breathalyzer won't make him stop. it's just not in your power.

time maybe to start making this a whole lot less about HIM< and whole lot MORE about you!?

ichabod

Maggies, I really feel for you. Every single person here does because we've all felt helpless while our lives were falling apart because of the addiction of someone we love. We all thought that our situation was different. We thought that if we loved hard enough, or if our A loved us enough, everything would get better.

The fact is, and I think you are seeing it even though you don't want to and it is hard to face, that he is the only one who can help himself. You can give him pills, and give him a breathalyzer and tether him to you, but as soon as you turn around he's going to do what he wants. He's addicted to alcohol and nothing will stop him from trying to get it until his life gets so bad that he has no choice. Some people never get there and they die from their addiction. They drive everyone away. It doesn't matter who loves them or who they should be responsible for. The alcohol and the addiction are all that matter.

There is nothing you can do to change that.

AA is not the only answer, but no one is going to quit drinking permanently without changing their entire mindset and no one does that without help. You'll see people here referred to as dry drunks. They are the ones who (termporarily) have quit drinking but still exhibit all of the lovely characteristics of an active alcoholic. Until they start working on themselves, with help, they will never get better.

Maggie, you can't help your husband. You CAN help yourself and your children. His life is his to live, whether you are a control freak or not (I am, so I can relate). You can make decisions that will make your life better and the first one is to go talk to someone. Alanon isn't my thing either. Talk here. Talk to a friend. But be honest. No more excuses, no more thinking your situation is different. It isn't. Your husband is an out of control drunk and he is going to destroy his life, your life, and your children's lives if you don't step in and make some changes.

You are strong Maggie. You can do this. You are not his mommy and you don't have to cover for him anymore.

honeypig

Maggies, you do have it in your power to end the insanity, but that power has nothing to do with Antabuse and a breathalyzer, and it never did.

You've gotten a ton of good advice and a lot of things to think about here. I hope you can listen and take it to heart.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

maggies

Thanks everyone. I also noticed that most of his ativan pills are gone. Why would the Dr. prescribe him those??!!! I guess he found the hiding spot. I amnot sure how much more I can take. I told the shop keeper that my husband was a alcoholic and not to sell to him. I guess he went to another liquor store.

hopeful4

There will always be more pills. There will always be more shops. The change has to come from within HIM, not you.

Carlotta

Maggies, if there was a way we could fix them and get them to quit it would be a sticky here on the Friends and Family forum.
I would gladly give my life savings and sell my blood to pay for a "cure" for my best friend who is an alcoholic and started using crack and I'd pass the recipe along to everyone here for free.
Unfortunately, there is no cure and nothing we can do to fix them. All we can do is work on ourselves so we stop being miserable and anxious all the time.

shil2587

Oh Maggie, please go back and read what I said about antabuse on your last post.
Putting it in his food or any other secret way is completely missing the point of what the drug is for. IT DOESN'T STOP THEM DRINKING.

It just scares them off the drink. If he doesn't know he's taking it and he drinks to excess you could easily be responsible for his death - it would be murder because antabuse is a poison.

Please go back and read the responses to your last thread. Read the other threads on this site too, not just your own. I have learned more here from other people's stories than from my own.

Why do you need to work on yourself? Because you are considering putting poison in someone's food. That's reason enough.

maggies

shil, I refuse to let my husband drink. It has become almost an obsession and my husband just doesn't seem to care. I fear he is drinking first thing in the morning on his way to work. If he loses his job we will lose the house.

shil2587

Yes, it has become an obsession. Just as his drinking is his obsession. He is not a child. It is NOT up to you to control him. Besides, you're not reading what I've said. You're misusing antabuse and making it inevitable for him to relapse. You are actually making it worse. It's a psychological tool and unless you let him take control of taking it, he will continue to relapse.

Antabuse doesn't magically make a wall appear when he tries to drink. It's just to scare them by making it potentially fatal to drink - WHILE THEY GET THEIR HEADS SORTED.

Putting it in his food is not going to stop him drinking. It's going to kill him. Then you'll still lose your house and you'll lose your husband more surely than if he keeps drinking.

suki44883

Sorry, but you are not that powerful. None of us are. He just proved it to you once again. If he wants to drink, he WILL drink and there's nothing you can do about it.

Until you finally accept that, you will continue to run around in circles trying to control the runaway train. You.cannot.control. his.drinking.

MissFixit

Maggie,

What if you decide to play offense rather than defense? I know you might not like it, but what if you get a job and you pay for the house so you don't lose it? Or you choose to downsize before you lose it? You working to support your family is about the only thing you can control.

redatlanta

Dear, he is already drinking. He never stopped. The pill doesn't work.

I'm really, really sorry this is happening. You really should focus on yourself and your children and what you will do if he loses his job.

You know that is inevitable - they have warned him. They will test him. They have said they will fire him.

Start thinking survival. (((((hugs)))))

Live

Maggies,

A bear sh*ts in the woods.
The Pope is Catholic.
An alcoholic drinks.

That's just the way it rolls.

There are 4 outcomes of alcoholism:
jails, institutions, death or recovery

and you can't work another's recovery for them.

The last 2 posters are giving you something you can and need to do which is prepare to support you and your children. The handwriting is on the wall. He will drink. He will lose his job.

I hope you are putting money aside for when that day comes and if not that you will begin to.

Every one of us at one point believed we could influence our beloved alcoholic. Not one of us has succeeded. Between us all, I am sure we have tried everything.

My A played me too, leading me to believe that I could be his sponsor, leading me to believe I did have something to do with the outcome. It was nothing more than a manipulation that could only turn out badly...and it did. It worked to keep me hooked in.
Just as yours is going along with you doling out his meds and handing him his antibuse, reinforcing that you have the influence to stop him. It won't work and it is doing your head in knots, just as mine did with me.

I was told very bluntly the first week I joined that I was in denial. Well, I thought, that is pretty rude. What is was..was the truth. You, too, are in denial. Would you, just in case that may possibly be true go through what the loving people here have shared with you?

You can't see it yet but you are in line to lose more than just your house. word. 13 years later, mine is still drinking.

T

maggies

I found his stash of beer hidden in the garage. I dumped every one out. But I guess that's not the solution although I do feel better.

Wisconsin

Yeah, it's just wasted money. There will always be more beer to buy. But I do understand the immediate satisfaction in that action. Maybe instead of thinking in terms of "I refuse to let him drink," try approaching it from "I refuse to let him drag me and the kids with him." You can't control the first one, but you sure as h*ll have some control over the second one.

redatlanta

You stated if you drank again that he was gone. What are you planning to do about that boundary?

suki44883

A hollow victory. He'll just buy more and become better at hiding it.

maggies

He is sleeping on the couch. I am tired of him peeing in the bed. The kids are going to ask questions though. He is currently passed out in the garage. My kids wanted to ride their bikes but I had to make an excuse no to. I just don't understand how he is still alive drinking 24-30 beers a day?

suki44883

Now he'll pee the couch. The kids will love that when one of them sits in it.

The body can take a lot, but once it's had enough, all kinds of things will start going wrong and several can happen at once. It's only a matter of time before he either ends up in intensive care or dies. Between now and then, he'll probably lose his job and you may lose the house.

I agree with those who said you should start planning on how to survive. He isn't going to be able to take care of things much longer.

LoveMeNow

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over people and that our lives had become unmanageable.