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Designgrl 04-15-2014 10:21 AM


Originally Posted by myfreedom (Post 4592661)
Text he just sent: "I'm not choosing beer over you's, its who I am, and enjoy the couple. I could say your choosing not to except me for who I am........ or respect how much I have slowed down!!! You know I don't like being a quitter, but its out of my hands if you don't want me. I just know that when I did quit for those couple months that one time, I just didn't feel the same, grumpy because you didn't want who I was."
What does this say to you????

He's saying.... I'm not going to accept any responsibility for my drinking problem..in fact, I don't have a problem at all...you're the one with the problem it has nothing to do with my drinking.

He's a selfish, manipulating, blaming, victim playing, alcoholic. These are his issues to live with, not yours. He doesn't want to change them or take responsibility for them.

marie1960 04-15-2014 10:23 AM

In those few sentences there are EIGHT "I" references and TWO "me" references

Alkie translation.......... me, me, me, it's all about ME.

how dare you come between him and his choices. how dare you , attempt to have a say in this relationship........( making him have to back pedal/ work in order to continue to control the situation.)

With some distance , I believe you will see, what we, the non emotional attached, are currently seeing.

myfreedom 04-15-2014 10:32 AM


Originally Posted by amy55 (Post 4592698)
It says to me manipulation !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get it that it is hard when you are going through this. I think I spent about a decade or so feeling like this. When I think back to those times now, I really do question myself if I even loved him then, or if I just needed validation. I think now that I was grieving the "what ifs", I was grieving the idea that I had in my own head of what a marriage should be. I was craving that, I wanted that, but it was so hard to realize, I would never have that with him.

I had to get over those thoughts.

I think this is it, I crave so much the intense closeness we had in the beginning, that i cling to that, hoping for it to come back.

myfreedom 04-15-2014 10:37 AM

Two more texts:
" I had alot of plans for us this summer, and drinking wasn't going to be a part of it..... I still think you didn't give it enough time for us to get back what we had, I have a temper and that sucks but its got alot better!! I'm not ready to give up. Almost half my life I had you in it!!!!"
"Don't take this the wrong way, but i don't think you know what you want.. All the talent I have and you focus on the worse things... with or without beer. I think I am a good father and husband. It was hard when I knew you had a grudge against me.."

marie1960 04-15-2014 10:41 AM

upping the game, TEN "I" One 'ME" reference.

ladyscribbler 04-15-2014 10:42 AM

He's getting desperate. This is as nice as he can be and it still comes across as manipulative blame shifting. Get ready for some ugliness when you don't respond to his half assed sweet talk.
Can you block this nonsense?

myfreedom 04-15-2014 10:43 AM


Originally Posted by ladyscribbler (Post 4592744)
He's getting desperate. This is as nice as he can be and it still comes across as manipulative blame shifting. Get ready for some ugliness when you don't respond to his half assed sweet talk.
Can you block this nonsense?

All I can do is try my hardest. Some of it angers me, some makes me laugh and some makes me want to cry.

amy55 04-15-2014 10:45 AM


Originally Posted by myfreedom (Post 4592724)
I think this is it, I crave so much the intense closeness we had in the beginning, that i cling to that, hoping for it to come back.

Just know I understand how hard this is. I hoped for so long, that I wasn't even thinking about me anymore. I had developed a one track brain. All of my waking and sleeping hours were spent on what I could do to make things better. I kept wanting the person that hurt me the most make me OK.

I had to work my way through that, because even if he came home that day and made things better, it was only going to be short lived.

I sometimes think of the movie "The Wizard of Oz", when at the end, the good witch told her that she always had what she needed inside of her, that she didn't need to go looking for it (in another person). She was OK, once she was OK with herself.

Love yourself, that's what I forgot for a very long time.

atalose 04-15-2014 10:48 AM

If you always do what you’ve always done, you are going to get what you’ve always gotten.

Only this time if you go back, you’ll lose the respect of your children and any healthy future relationship with them.

Is it worth going back for more lies, manipulations and quieting your fear of him finding someone else? I’d look into that, search deep inside of you and figure out what that fear is really telling you? Could it be you fear someone else will fix or repair him into the man you had always hoped he could be then they will live happily ever after in fantasy land?

fluffyflea 04-15-2014 10:48 AM


You can, practice Steps 1,2 and 3.

It,s a decision.



Originally Posted by myfreedom (Post 4592517)
AH and I have been seperated twice in the last year. I went back in November thinking there was a chance. Woke up real quick. Kids and I left again in February. Kids are very happy and really don't enjoy their time with dad. AH has drastically cut back on drinking but still does it and says he is going to continue to do so, just keep it controlled?????? He knows that is most of our problem and our daughter who is 11 is very distant from her father due to all the things that have happened. Why is it so hard for me to let go of this marriage? I know he will always drink at times, still has his anger issues and is still somewhat selfish. My biggest fear is him finding someone new. I can't seem to accept that could happen. He always knows my buttons to push to get me falling back into the cycle. He makes it sound so good and that he really loves me more than anything. He feels if we are together and work on us that kids will see we can be happy and no fighting and then they will come around.I don't feel the same because of the alcohol, even if its only a few beers once or twice a week. He says I need to let go of the past when things were really bad. Who's to say they won't get that way again. He says they won't, that he is done with those days. I miss him when we are apart and can't stand him when we are together!!!!! How do I move on and live life without him after 13 yrs


myfreedom 04-15-2014 10:56 AM


Originally Posted by atalose (Post 4592752)
If you always do what you’ve always done, you are going to get what you’ve always gotten.

Only this time if you go back, you’ll lose the respect of your children and any healthy future relationship with them.

Is it worth going back for more lies, manipulations and quieting your fear of him finding someone else? I’d look into that, search deep inside of you and figure out what that fear is really telling you? Could it be you fear someone else will fix or repair him into the man you had always hoped he could be then they will live happily ever after in fantasy land?

I honestly believe that is my biggest fear...... Is it even possible with someone like that????

fluffyflea 04-15-2014 10:58 AM

If that is fear,believe me someone else won,t fix him. He has to do that.

Live 04-15-2014 11:00 AM

11 years later and while my xabf has had many new girlfriends, none have lasted more than 3 months and he is still an abusive alcoholic. same old same old.

However my life has changed a lot in 11 years.

redatlanta 04-15-2014 11:04 AM


Originally Posted by myfreedom (Post 4592661)
Text he just sent: "I'm not choosing beer over you's, its who I am, and enjoy the couple. I could say your choosing not to except me for who I am........ or respect how much I have slowed down!!! You know I don't like being a quitter, but its out of my hands if you don't want me. I just know that when I did quit for those couple months that one time, I just didn't feel the same, grumpy because you didn't want who I was."
What does this say to you????

Simply put......

"Alcohol means more to me than you do".

Believe him, it's true.

myfreedom 04-15-2014 11:05 AM

Thank you all so much. I am going to print this out and reread it over and over. Something has got to get me to see thru his lies

atalose 04-15-2014 11:42 AM


I honestly believe that is my biggest fear...... Is it even possible with someone like that????
You mean to live in fantasy land??

I think to believe that someone can come along and change another person is no different than thinking WE can change them - and YES that is fantasy.

First, he would have to acknowledge he wants to change, something he’s already showed you and told you he’s not going to.

Second, if he decides to make that change for himself and no one else then a lot of major work begins. Hard work, digging deep down inside of himself to address all the things the alcohol have been covering up. Work on those issues, find healthier ways to cope then practice those new ways until they become habit is years and years of hard work .

Third, he has to want to change and again he’s already told he not going to.
So then are you saying your fear of him finding someone else is greater than your fear of your children losing respect for you?....................

myfreedom 04-15-2014 11:55 AM


Originally Posted by atalose (Post 4592843)
You mean to live in fantasy land??

I think to believe that someone can come along and change another person is no different than thinking WE can change them - and YES that is fantasy.

First, he would have to acknowledge he wants to change, something he’s already showed you and told you he’s not going to.

Second, if he decides to make that change for himself and no one else then a lot of major work begins. Hard work, digging deep down inside of himself to address all the things the alcohol have been covering up. Work on those issues, find healthier ways to cope then practice those new ways until they become habit is years and years of hard work .

Third, he has to want to change and again he’s already told he not going to.
So then are you saying your fear of him finding someone else is greater than your fear of your children losing respect for you?....................

I think I am in so much denial. the fear of losing my childrens respect is much greater.

Butterfly 04-15-2014 12:51 PM

Hi myfreedom I understand the situation your in my AH left me 5 weeks ago as he couldn't do this anymore he wanted to be on his own to do what he wants when he wants in other words drink. I have begged him so many times to give up drink for me me and the kids and still struggle to understand how someone can chose drink over their wife and kids!! My AH isn't abusive though and hasn't tried to turn all this around onto me so in that way I am lucky.

I get caught up in the whole anger at him one minute the. Worry and being sorry the next I worry what if he meets someone else and he seeks help to stay in that relationship then it means my anxieties and fears of not being good enough for him are true and he didn't love me.

I struggle with the whole no contact.

Take time for yourself and sending you hugs

Yurt 04-15-2014 10:35 PM

Boy, I really needed to read this today...

LoveMeNow 04-16-2014 01:35 AM

I really needed to learn how to stop my own addiction to my STBXAH.

I really needed to start getting honest with myself and define what healthy love really meant. It's not just some feeling. It's not a noun, it's a verb.

What advice would you give your sister, best friend or daughters if they were in this relationship?


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