Sunshine Song

I am so new to the steps and learning to deal with me that I sometimes don't know what to say or do with my A. I want to explode and yell but I know I need to learn to deal with him differently.

I work 2 jobs (1 full time/1 part time = 70hrs a wk), go to school while also trying to attempt to train for a marathon. As you can see, I have tons of free time He on the other hand has not worked since 4/17/02 (he's been in treatment and found the time to golf). Because I have so much on my plate I'm get tired and run down sometimes. I try to stay positive and happy but most of the time but its hard some days even muster the engery to smile. I put on a false mask for everyone that life couldn't be better but I let my A see the real, stressful side of me when it comes out. I'm not hiding that from him...he caused my (stupid me put HIS gambling debts on MY credit CARDS) debt he can see my misery trying to stay afloat. But he gets aggrivated with me when I'm a little tired, depressed or sad. He says he's here for me but I feel bad bringing up issues with him. I don't know what he can and cannot hanlde. Before if I brought up money he drank, if I brought up life he drank, if I brought up anything...he drank (see the pattern). He brings up that staying sober is hard work and that I just don't know. But the thing is I do know. Between the age of 8-18 I used to self mutilate myself. So I know what if feels like to have something take over you and you not being able to control it!!

I guess my question is is there some type of book, web site for me to read in helping me deal with my anger and frustration. I love my A (don't we all) and I want things to work. However, to make things work I know I need to deal with my past issues first. I don't ever want him to feel like I'm not proud of the progress he's made but I also need him to know while he's stopped his life to get clean...I still have to clean up all the mess he left behind (along with my own mess). Am I wrong to feel this way? Help!! I'm sorry if this post doesn't make since but I figure it's better to yell here than at him!!! Also, would it be unreasonable to ask him to at least get a low stresses part time job? Sorry for going on about nothing. My problems are nothing compared to most of you here!!!

smoke gets in my eyes

Hiya Brooker!

Absolutely! MUCH better to yell here. I am curious. Why do you feel you have to pretend to people that everything is a-okay? Are you protecting yourself or the A in your life? That alone is a huge burden.
Everyone here that has read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has raved about it. That's as good a place to start as any.
I'm also curious about if you have considered a debt management program? I did that and it has been a wonderful relief.

Keep posting. We DO want to hear it.

Hugs,
Smoke

Sunshine Song

I don't really know my true motives of pretending everything is okay. First off, everyone I work with (my A used to work here also) thinks he left to pursue his dream job in N. Carloina. Little did they know where he really is!! I'm good at convering up...aren't we all!!! So I have to still keep that lie going ALL THE TIME! Then, I also feel if I allow my mask to drop, I will drop. I was taught always to be strong on the outside and NEVER allow others to see you in pain. So maybe it is just my up bringing. Another fact (even though I hate using this) is I grew up in a Alcoholic household. I really didn't effect me to much because my mother hid my fathers drinking from me. You see my father NEVER drank at home (only bars) by the time he got home I was asleep & by the time I woke up he was gone for work. I never knew my father was an alcoholic growing up becuase he was always at "union meetings" not the bar...silly me!! It wasn't until I was about 14/15 that I realized where he really was. Then I got so angry becuase here was this man driving late at night (when I'm also on the road) drunk. So to answer your question all of the above!!!

I haven't looked into a debt managment program becuase I want to try to do this myself (I don't want to hurt my credit). Even though my debt ratio is beyond thought I still have an excellent credit score. So I will try to manage this for now and hope I don't over due myself. Thanks for listening!!!! I will buy the mentioned this weekend!! My family here for me but known of them understand the torment I'm really faced with everyday. It's so nice to come to a place that everyone faces the same triumphs and let downs!!!

Ann

Hi Brooker

The book Smoke mentioned is terrific. I wanted royalties because I thought she was writing about ME!!! Melody Beattie also wrote a daily reading book called "The Language Of Letting Go", which also has a listing at the back of specific catogories...Letting Go Of Anger, Setting Boundaries, etc. You will see some of the older posts are from her writings. "Letting Go Of Those Not In Recovery" is on the Nar-anon board, I think, or maybe this one, I forget, but it is an example of her writing. Clear and simple.

Your anger and resentments will come back to haunt you if you don't look after them. Someone here once said that it is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die. You recognize this, which is good, and need to make a plan to address it. Also, Al-Anon or Nar-anon meetings would be very helpful for you in your recovery. They are people just like us, who can guide you through the steps, and share your pain. I know your time is limited, but your health is the most important thing in your life.

Any by all means, feel free to vent, cry, rejoice, or share here as often as you want.

Hugs

JT

Hi,

I noticed no mention of meetings and I would highly recommend them...once a week, even. You are important enough to do this for yourself.

When I first started read Melody Beattie I was convinced that she had been looking in my windows! Great reading!

The other thing I noticed was your reference to your father. Let me tell you that my mother was the best doormat/enabler/martyr/cover-up artist (pick all that apply)... because I had no clue what was going on. My Dad was gone at night working...he was in the restaurant bizz...and he never came home until the early morning...if at all. I got up and went to school like normal and if he slept in and we had to "be quiet...Dad is sleeping" it was because he worked nights not because he was sleeping it off. I could go on but it sounds like you know the drill.

My point is that you and I were affected...no matter how hard our mother's tried to hide it. Aloholism is a family disease. I had troubled brothers and sisters, but I came out normal...right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" /> Until I crashed and burned much later in life everyone (including me) would have thought so.

Don't ever think that you are using the fact that you have an A in your family. That is very likely why you are where you are today. We are affected by our family of origin and all the dynamics.

When I speak at meetings my first line is often "The first man I ever loved was an alcoholic"...Not bad, not good, just a fact.

Try to find the time...even a hour a week can take you places that you only dream of today.

Sunshine Song

JT,
Thanks for the reply. I know I need to go to meetings!! I've been to two in my home town and LOVED every minute of them. I asked for Tuesday nights off at my second job so I could attend the Tuesday meeting but since I already take Thursday nights off to go to school he can't give me Tuesday also. I know I need to get healthy but I also need to get a diploma and put food on the table. I have put myself in such a horrible position!! I'm doing whatever I can to survive...that's why I have come to use these forum as my daily meeting. All I can say is that I WILL NEVER do this to myself again!!
I know my fathers life style had some effect on me because I swear up and down that I will NEVER raise a child in the same type of house I was raised in. Now why would I say that unless something wasn't right?!?!?! The sad thing is instead of falling in love with someone healthy, I choose to fall in love with an Alcoholic. Go figure. Any ways, thanks for listening!!!