Expressing an Opinion?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
IME, most of my boyfriends were like this:
One reason I never married. (there are others.)
He also doesn't seem to compliment me or appreciate any of my talents, in fact passive aggressively puts them down. But if questioned will claim that's not true lol. He seems to feel threatened by me being good at something. I don't understand this because me being good at something does not take away from his strengths or talents. But I think it's a jealousy thing.
When active, I think my husband acted very disinterested in any thing I had to say. I, also, found that he had the need to be right a lot. He had zero patience for me and acted very intolerant.
My friends and I used to joke that he had become like Archie Bunker (not racially ignorant). But more of a "Jeez, get to your point before I blow my brains out" look or noise, which only made me talk more and more.
I guess I just enjoyed being his buzz kill.
Today, I want to be with people who celebrate me, not tolerate me.
My friends and I used to joke that he had become like Archie Bunker (not racially ignorant). But more of a "Jeez, get to your point before I blow my brains out" look or noise, which only made me talk more and more.
I guess I just enjoyed being his buzz kill.
Today, I want to be with people who celebrate me, not tolerate me.
Whenever my AH calls my son Nancy, I hear Frank Barone right away, because he used to do that on the show to Raymond. He doesn't see it as abusive, he sees it as funny.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
Quack quack
now, all I had was an elephant in the room, that no one would comment on at all.
One of the first indications that something was going wrong in my marriage, even before I recognized the hidden alcoholism, was that every time I called or talked to my STBXAH he growled at me. Everything. If I called to say hi or boo or what's up or eff you or can you pick up some milk or where are you or how was your day, he answered the phone with "What?" and Hung up with "Fine. Bye." One day I talked to him about it -- I told him how cutting it was and how it made me feel. He used to seem to look forward to talking to me, then one day I became a thorn in his side. His dismissals never stopped. Even today, when I interact with him (which isn't much) he is very nicey-nicey, but any perceived challenge from me on his part and he threatens to come at me like a bear or dismiss me altogether. It's in his eyes and voice. I don't miss that at all.
Another thing he did to me that really hurt my feelings -- and should have been an indicator of why not to marry him because he fundamentally didn't respect me and my feelings -- was how I would share something I loved, an article, a song, or a movie or an idea, anything! and he would dismiss it as being dumb and uninteresting or act like he already knew about it before me, even if he didn't. (What is this superiority game?) WITHOUT FAIL, he'd come home from work one day and tell me how this super cool girl from work was really into some book/band/venue/article, and fawn about how cool and interesting she was. I'd be sitting there dumbfounded and hurt -- because I was linked with a widget, the widget became dumb, but when other ladies were linked with the same widget, it was super awesome? Clearly I was the problem. It cut at my self-esteem very deeply and I started chasing his approval.
Another thing he did to me that really hurt my feelings -- and should have been an indicator of why not to marry him because he fundamentally didn't respect me and my feelings -- was how I would share something I loved, an article, a song, or a movie or an idea, anything! and he would dismiss it as being dumb and uninteresting or act like he already knew about it before me, even if he didn't. (What is this superiority game?) WITHOUT FAIL, he'd come home from work one day and tell me how this super cool girl from work was really into some book/band/venue/article, and fawn about how cool and interesting she was. I'd be sitting there dumbfounded and hurt -- because I was linked with a widget, the widget became dumb, but when other ladies were linked with the same widget, it was super awesome? Clearly I was the problem. It cut at my self-esteem very deeply and I started chasing his approval.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
PLEASE read the book " Why Do They Do that~Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men" by Lundy Bankcroft. very powerful and eye-opening. I was never the same after having read this book, in a good way.
Interesting thread. Silent Treatment is abuse? Whoa it was blissfully silent at least!
My H pontificates. Maybe this is why my sarcasm and irreverence is so out of hand? I am. It the best communicator, but at least I try.
My H pontificates. Maybe this is why my sarcasm and irreverence is so out of hand? I am. It the best communicator, but at least I try.
Is there anyone else who lives with an A who is not allowed to voice their opinions without getting shut down? I'm not talking about having "the" talk about drinking or anything serious - nothing critical. I'm just talking about everyday give and take conversation. I either don't know what I'm talking about, I'm wrong with what I think or my favorite is the phrase he always says "Whatever" and then walks away. I mean this is if I mention the sun is shining or it's raining or something minor.
I've gotten to the point where I never say a word any longer.
And is it normal never to show any interest in what your spouse enjoys to the point of not even wanting to look at pictures of family? I mean one picture - not hundreds.
Is this a common problem with As? Still learning. Never knew how alone you could feel living with someone.
I've gotten to the point where I never say a word any longer.
And is it normal never to show any interest in what your spouse enjoys to the point of not even wanting to look at pictures of family? I mean one picture - not hundreds.
Is this a common problem with As? Still learning. Never knew how alone you could feel living with someone.
I didn't read any of the other responses yet. I had to respond to you immediately. I lived a life like this. It's emotional abuse. Sorry to be so blunt about that.
I remember after leaving my ex how I would freak out, have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, just because someone would ask me where I wanted to go out to eat. I was conditioned to be afraid to have an opinion, or a view, or a feeling.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Fascinating thread. Thank you TryingToLearn for starting it.
Anyone besides me beginning to suspect that we're all married to the same man?
Maybe alcoholism isn't as widespread as we thought. It's just one drunk dude with a whole lot of wives.
Anyway.... My STBXAH pulled the same stuff on me for years. It was devastating. I couldn't figure out how he went from thinking I hung the moon to thinking I was a moron. What I find interesting though, is how quickly he changed back once I started working my own program. I didn't realize it until just now. He's very respectful of me. Granted we're not together anymore, I guess that ship left port a long time ago, but we deal with each other regularly. Even while we were still in the same house, and I was working my program, there was a change in how he acted toward me. He must have realized, on some level, that the gig was up. I wasn't going to fall for silly little mind games anymore, so there was no point in playing them. In other words, once I started expecting that he treat me with respect he
did without hesitation. I don't want to compare a husband to a toddler (wouldn't want to insult the toddler), but it felt kind of the same.
Anyone else have this experience?
Anyone besides me beginning to suspect that we're all married to the same man?
Maybe alcoholism isn't as widespread as we thought. It's just one drunk dude with a whole lot of wives.
Anyway.... My STBXAH pulled the same stuff on me for years. It was devastating. I couldn't figure out how he went from thinking I hung the moon to thinking I was a moron. What I find interesting though, is how quickly he changed back once I started working my own program. I didn't realize it until just now. He's very respectful of me. Granted we're not together anymore, I guess that ship left port a long time ago, but we deal with each other regularly. Even while we were still in the same house, and I was working my program, there was a change in how he acted toward me. He must have realized, on some level, that the gig was up. I wasn't going to fall for silly little mind games anymore, so there was no point in playing them. In other words, once I started expecting that he treat me with respect he
did without hesitation. I don't want to compare a husband to a toddler (wouldn't want to insult the toddler), but it felt kind of the same.
Anyone else have this experience?
The "Silent Treatment"
This was my life. The silent treatment isn't no contact. No contact is different from this. No contact is, and does mean there is nothing else left. The silent treatment is degrading. It means another person will not speak to you until you do things the way they want things done. It means you aren't allowed to have feelings, opinion or views of your own. It is all about control.
You start to feel like you are invisible, or if you are visible, that you are in a straighjacket, with duct tape on your mouth. You can't do anything, you can't say anything. You want to just hide yourself away. You don't want to exist anymore. Along with the "silent treatment" there is the rage. You may also hear the rage. So you are stuck there, and you just want to make things better, but there is nothing you can do. It's about control. About controlling another person. It's like you feel like you are shouting out, please hear me, please love me, please don't hurt me, and no one is listening. But they hear you, and they are laughing at you.
I lived this for so many years, I don't know how I am not crazy also, or maybe I am.
I did realize at one point when my ex would disappear, and I would be alone and cry to myself, and I would eventually get better, that once I would get better, guess who would show up again ????!!!!!!
My life for 25 years. I am still trying to recover.
This was my life. The silent treatment isn't no contact. No contact is different from this. No contact is, and does mean there is nothing else left. The silent treatment is degrading. It means another person will not speak to you until you do things the way they want things done. It means you aren't allowed to have feelings, opinion or views of your own. It is all about control.
You start to feel like you are invisible, or if you are visible, that you are in a straighjacket, with duct tape on your mouth. You can't do anything, you can't say anything. You want to just hide yourself away. You don't want to exist anymore. Along with the "silent treatment" there is the rage. You may also hear the rage. So you are stuck there, and you just want to make things better, but there is nothing you can do. It's about control. About controlling another person. It's like you feel like you are shouting out, please hear me, please love me, please don't hurt me, and no one is listening. But they hear you, and they are laughing at you.
I lived this for so many years, I don't know how I am not crazy also, or maybe I am.
I did realize at one point when my ex would disappear, and I would be alone and cry to myself, and I would eventually get better, that once I would get better, guess who would show up again ????!!!!!!
My life for 25 years. I am still trying to recover.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Well crud. I've actually been on the receiving end a lot of "you really missed your calling as an attorney" comments from my husband when he was actively drinking. But I think that was more due to him telling me lies and my calling bullsh!t on him.
However, we both used to doubt each other a lot. Before we were married he would refuse to let me do his taxes, he always said his dad did a better job...his dad is a writer and knows jack about tax law. That was always a hard one to swallow. Or I would tell him about a book I read and he would instantly belittle the author, genre or book; only a dummy would read THAT book and actually enjoy it. The worst would be when I was doubting myself or feeling down and he would take that opportunity to play "devils advocate" which is really just code for kicking me when I'm down. To be fair, I have no doubts that I haven't been a very supportive partner either and I can argue with the best of them.
However, we both used to doubt each other a lot. Before we were married he would refuse to let me do his taxes, he always said his dad did a better job...his dad is a writer and knows jack about tax law. That was always a hard one to swallow. Or I would tell him about a book I read and he would instantly belittle the author, genre or book; only a dummy would read THAT book and actually enjoy it. The worst would be when I was doubting myself or feeling down and he would take that opportunity to play "devils advocate" which is really just code for kicking me when I'm down. To be fair, I have no doubts that I haven't been a very supportive partner either and I can argue with the best of them.
To me, the most frightening thing is that we all get/got used to it and considered it normal.
It's not normal. Like someone said - it's abuse. Gaslighting. And nobody should have to live like that. It's unacceptable for a person who claims to love you to make you feel small.
Nobody has the right to talk to you that way.
It's not normal. Like someone said - it's abuse. Gaslighting. And nobody should have to live like that. It's unacceptable for a person who claims to love you to make you feel small.
Nobody has the right to talk to you that way.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Mine ends a statement of his opinion (usually about how the kids "always" or "never" do something and how we (I) should get them to do/not do it) with "you know?", which is my cue to agree. Often I don't , so I like to think I've perfected the "mmmmm-kay" to showing I've heard, without actually agreeing to anything
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
Amy55, thank you and everyone else thank you as well for all your stories and book recommendations. I just discovered the "Like" button and plan to use it. I just really appreciate your support. Yesterday, I had to go to the doctor for a routine appointment and the nurse was so nice to me, I just started crying. It's a terrible place to be invisible. I mentioned something about the weather to my AH yesterday and before I got two words out of my mouth, he got up and walked away. That's how it is. So I have conversations with myself of all things and keep trying to tell myself this is not the way normal people live. I did remind myself that he was already quite drunk and I have to keep reminding myself that people who are drunk don't respond in the same way. It's really a daily challenge. I know lots of people think why don't you just get out and I know that's what I need to do but it's a process of letting go for me and at first I kept thinking it was something I was doing so I kept trying to change me. But I can tell you it's a terrible way to spend your life when you're alone and invisible with another person. Thank you all again. I have time today to go back and read every post again and start searching for the books you recommended. These posts are my lifesavers at the moment as they let me know I'm not alone.
LOL! I had to come back on and just say that I can relate to the Archie Bunker thing! I swear my AH acts like Frank from Everybody Loves Raymond COMBINED with Archie Bunker!!!! And, what's scary is that he thinks they are great characters and right about everything. My AH is a raging racist, too, so maybe that's why he aligns himself with Archie(I have to admit I always hated that show and only watched it when someone else, AHEM, had a rerun on).
Whenever my AH calls my son Nancy, I hear Frank Barone right away, because he used to do that on the show to Raymond. He doesn't see it as abusive, he sees it as funny.
Whenever my AH calls my son Nancy, I hear Frank Barone right away, because he used to do that on the show to Raymond. He doesn't see it as abusive, he sees it as funny.
But my husband definitely had the dismissive attitude towards me when he was/is active. Put a few drinks in him and he wants to talk, but I can't stand him when he was drinking so he got the dismissive attitude from me.
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