amy55

I didn't want to keep bringing back my other post because I was probably wrong to post that email from my son. I did it because my head is in such a fog, and also being sick for the last 2 weeks, I didn't want to post only what my perception of the email was. I also do have a friend that I forward those emails to, and I did that day, but I didn't know that she wasn't around that day, and I replied, because I didn't want my son to think I was ignoring him.

I am still sick and still in a fog, but I went to a Christening on Saturday. It was 2 hours away from me, so I stayed at my sisters house.

I told her about the email, and how wrong I was to jump to conclusions. When I told her about the part that the invitations can't be changed, she told me she didn't take it the same way that I did, that I wasn't invited, she told me she took it as they were sent to print, the invitation cannot be changed, and most likely I was not mentioned on the invitation as the "mother of the groom".

Guess I will find out when my sister or friends receive the invite to see if that is the case. No sense thinking about that now.

So I go to the Christening, not knowing if my oldest daughter will be there. But I'm prepared for anything, and have my support system in place with me. My oldest daughter who is the only one that lives in NJ, where the Christening was held, doesn't show up. So I relax. Near the end of the Christening Party my cousin, (it was her daughter's baby that was being Christened) calls me over to sit and talk to her for awhile.

First she tells me that my daughter had called her this week, that she was not home, and that her H answered the phone. That my daughter had asked to talk to my cousin, and when he said she wasn't home but that he would take a message, that my daughter started crying and ranting on the phone, that her mom and grandmother would not be at her brothers wedding and how will that make her look, as a wedding planner?

Then my cousin tells me about another incident that happened in October of last year. I was getting along with my oldest daughter then, but then suddenly she had stopped calling both me and my mom. Actually she stopped calling my mom first. We were at my cousins house, only about 3 weeks earlier for a 70th birthday party for my cousin, (this cousins sister). Everything went fine during the party, no problems.

Then my daughter went over to my cousins house to do "fingernails". She went and complained about me the entire time, about how I never wanted her. My cousin lit into her.

There was also another time after my daughter had filed a Restraining Order against me, ( I did already post about this ), but to make a long story short, my daughter was having a birthday party for my grandson, I was invited, but told my ex would be there. At that time we were in the middle of divorce proceedings. My mom was coming in from Florida, and I had asked my daughter if I could please have that birthday party to see my mom, and if she could please ask her dad to come for Easter which was the next week. She didn't want to hear it. That turned into an email war, and I tried to stop it by even phoning to say I would be agreeable to anything, even if my ex was there as long as I could see my mother.

Then supposedly, or maybe it actually happened, maybe not, but someone had called Div of Youth and Family Servs on her, and also Social Security on her. She blamed me, and filed an RO.

So she goes to this party at my cousins house, and according to my cousin she kept trying to corner people to tell them that I wouldn't be there because she filed an RO and why.

Sometimes I start to feel paranoid, like my oldest daughter is trying to or has been doing a smear campaign on me.

I want to do the right thing here and just call my son and say I just want to be at your wedding, but I know if those invites go out, (and they will, his wedding is only 9 weeks away, no way to redo them, if that is what he did with his wedding planning, which happens to be my oldest daughter ). My whole family would be seeing that, that I am not mentioned, I think I would be too embarrassed. I know I could suck it up, but at this point, I don't think I want to make the first move anymore.

I will answer any questions you have for more clarification.

Thanks for reading
amy

Seren

Wow, Amy! That has been a lot going on. You have handled so many things remarkably well.

It's not paranoia, because from what you have shared--she is running a smear campaign against you. I just hope you can allow for the hurt and pain she feels and remember that "What other people think of me is none of my business" (by CatsPajamas).

Sending hugs and prayers your way!

amy55

Thanks Seren,

Also want to mention that my oldest daughter is not my ex's biological daughter. My ex had adopted her after we married. My oldest daughters biological father deserted her. I know I missed a lot of things in what I posted, but I really can't think straight anymore.

Seren

She's your precious daughter, Amy. That's all that matters to me

amy55

My biggest problem here, is that I can't confront my oldest daughter, I can't tell my son anything about what she is saying, if I do, it will go back to her, and she is physically ill, supposedly with 2 terminal illnesses, and each time someone confronts her, she admits herself to the emergency room.

theuncertainty

(((hugs)))) Amy. I don't have any experience. Just wanted to let you know I'm reading and am here to lend an ear and shoulder.

Seren

I think that even if you confronted her, Amy, it wouldn't change her behavior. Seems to me that people have caught onto to what she is trying to do and know the truth. But even if they don't--you do! That is the most important thing

amy55

Seren, Everyone in my family caught onto her behavior. They look at the phone when it rings, and they just say, this is more drama, can't deal with it. The ones that didn't catch on are my other 2 children. She is sick, so no one should upset her, they protect her. Her problem is more psychological then physical, but sometimes I swear that if a hypochondriac needs lessons they should go to her.

I know if I go to this wedding, she will have a medical emergency the prior day and send herself to the hospital around midnight. If I don't go, it will ruin my relationship with my son. I don't know what to do so that his wedding is not ruined.

I know that he is older now, almost 30, but he is (or I feel he is) being emotionally abused by her, and her illnesses. At one time last year he had alluded to that, and then stopped talking, because I feel that he might have felt that he wasn't being supportive to her.

I am really in a quandry over this

suki44883

My personal opinion is that you should attend your son's wedding. He has reached out to you in a very sensitive and caring manner. Your daughter has some serious issues and will do whatever it is she decides to do, but I wouldn't let that stop me from being there for my son.

amy55

suki, I am leaning towards that way. I think I just need to brace myself first after the invites are received, so that he will know that I already know that, and that I was OK and another war won't start. I do at this point don't want to put blame on my son, I know he is an adult, but I am feeling a lot of emotional blackmail due to illness has been going on.

Thank you for your reply. I am in such a fog tonight, that I don't even know what I am doing or what to think anymore.

amy55

You know, you guys, I am dealing with a lot of sh1t right now, and it is making me feel so much better to talk things out. What I don't want to do is to ever destroy a relationship with my son. It hasn't been good since I left my house to divorce, but there won't be any if I don't talk to my son and just say, I love you, I want to be there with you on your wedding day. My daughter, isn't my concern. The invite, if it is worded without showing me as the mother of the groom, well, you know what, my family isn't that big anymore. I can make things right with them also, so that there is no domino effect and they all boycott the wedding.

redatlanta

Amy - I too think you should go to your son's wedding. If daughter pulls histrionics there isn't much you can do about that but why should you suffer for her issues??? Your son wants to repair your relationship don't let her stand in the way.

Has your relationship with daughter always been this way? Or did this start when you and her Dad divorced?

readerbaby71

It sounds like your daughter often tries to make EVERYTHING about her. The letter from your son was obviously very sincere and heartfelt. Go to his wedding. Who gives a sh!t what anyone thinks about who or what is on the invitation? What's important is that you are there for him. HUGS to you. xoxoxo

amy55

Redatlanta,

I really do want to thank you for your post in my other thread. I did already have a friend that I would forward things to before I responded, and I did that day, I didn't know she wasn't around that day, and I wanted to respond, so that he would know that I acknowledged rec'g that letter. So I put it off till about 6 at night, and then, all h3ll broke loose.

My daughter-----

Not his biological daughter. I divorced her father when she was about 1. He abandoned her. Never contacted me. Only child support I received was when his new girlfriend sent it. Got about 18 months of that. Gf left, no more child support.

I lived at home still with my mom. My mom wasn't working so she took care of my daughter during the day. I took care of my daughter the rest of the time. It was a very close knit family. I daughter was the first born of that generation. Always had plenty of attention paid to her, but she didn't have a dad that was around.

I took her everywhere with me. I was 19 at the time. I joined a bowling league. Took her with me. Everyone loved her and played with her. She went to school. All her friends were rich, and they all had a dad. Surprising since it was a public school, and it was all neighborhood and our neighborhood wasn't rich, but she always found those, and compared her life to theirs.

I couldn't afford what she wanted and to keep up with her peers. I did the best I could.

I think when I remarried she thought she would then get everything she wanted. In a way she did. I would tell her no on some stupid outrageous thing, and my ex would turn around and get it for her. I became her enemy because I said "no". She now actually had a loving father, and I became a b!tch. I said no on things like shoe shopping. She would fall in love with a pair of shoes, they were too small, didn't have her size, I said no, my ex would then buy them for her. It was things like that.

Then my sister was really wealthy, and I wasn't. That was what she wanted. After she turned 18, she moved in with my sister.

I really don't want to diagnose anything, but I do believe my daughter has a personality disorder. How I could have done something to stop or prevent it, thats beyond me.

I really don't know what went wrong with my oldest daughter.

When I had filed an RO against my ex, he went to live with this daughter. Sometimes I just want to believe that she attached to him because her bio dad abandoned her. Then he would "run away" from home, go there, and she wouldn't tell me he was there. I had asked her if he was there, can you just tell me so that I know that he was OK, and that I don't have to worry. She wouldn't.

Florence

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. Your daughter does sound like a piece of work. Whatever her past, whatever her experience, her behavior inanity normal, healthy behavior.

Go to the wedding. As far as the invitations go? Nobody is really looking at the invites except to see who is getting married and when.

Ask your son what he would prefer you to do if there is drama at the wedding ceremony and reception. If he needs you to leave, let that be an emotional gift from you to him, because you're on the same side. If not? All the better.

amy55

I am going to this wedding. I will makes things right for this special day. I don't even care if I have to eat dirt to do it. I will.

I think I still need to wait to see what the invites say, just so that there is no more tension between us, and that something else might go wrong. Irregardless of what the invite says I will contact my son and ask if I can be invited to his special day. Just that I would feel honored to be at his side on this day.

My daughter, I just don't care anymore. I called my sister tonight, told her to try on that dress that I am lending her for the wedding, because she will be going. Will call my mom after I call my son. I know I can make things better for this day, and I will do whatever I have to. I do love my son.

amy55

From talking to my relatives, it is like this daughter is trying to make my sons wedding all about her. I am bowing out of that game. It's about him.

redatlanta

Agree on the personality disorder.

I guess, I would say at this point focus on the children that want to have a relationship with you.

Maybe someday she will come around - she has an awful lot of issues and while unfortunate, are hers to solve.

I dont' think I would deal with it very well without anger - I would just stay away from it.

You sound positive!! Love hearing that!

amy55

This is why I love this place so much. I do have a friend that will go through things with me, she has company today that is staying overnight, and I was freaking out today.

I was just trying to compose an email to my son tonight, because I don't know if he will take my phone calls, but it sounded so blaming about the invite, when I don't even know what the invite says, and I could be totally wrong about that part. "That I wasn't even listed as mother of the groom", and that I would still be Ok with that, but that just sounds so wrong to me.

I think this is what I need help with. Should I wait to say what invite says, (whether it shows or does not show me as mom of groom), or should I try contact now without knowing, and not addressing it, and then it shows up later?

amy55

I just wanted to thank everyone who is reading this and responding to this. I know this is out of the norm for here.

I did call my sister tonight, and told her to try on that dress that I lent her for my sons wedding because h3ll and high waters will not stop me from going.