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Originally Posted by amy55 
I think this is what I need help with. Should I wait to say what invite says, (whether it shows or does not show me as mom of groom), or should I try contact now without knowing, and not addressing it, and then it shows up later?
It's much more important that your son knows you want to be there at his special day.
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I mean this from a place of love, kindness and from my own personal experience: please forget the wedding invitations. Please. And forget your daughter's involvement with the wedding. It sounds like she's probably adding a layer of drama to your son's wedding.
When I was planning my wedding both my dysfunctional family and my husband's dysfunctional family were making a big deal about EVERYTHING and how it effected THEM. Seating arrangements, invites, hotel accommodations, food, alcohol, etc. My now SIL chewed me out big time because I didn't invite her family who lives in freaking England. A wedding is mainly about the two people who are getting married.
I think you're trying your best, Amy, and I think your son loves you and that he just wants a very simple easy relationship with you right now because that's all he can handle. Fair enough. If I were your son or your future DIL the number one thing I would want from you, is to hear that you're there to support them on their day in whatever capacity that may be. However they want you involved on their day, you're game and happily so.
I think many people have a lot of personal expectations and emotions attached to weddings that aren't realistic. Just love your son and express your love to him. Support him during a time that is high stress.
When I was planning my wedding both my dysfunctional family and my husband's dysfunctional family were making a big deal about EVERYTHING and how it effected THEM. Seating arrangements, invites, hotel accommodations, food, alcohol, etc. My now SIL chewed me out big time because I didn't invite her family who lives in freaking England. A wedding is mainly about the two people who are getting married.
I think you're trying your best, Amy, and I think your son loves you and that he just wants a very simple easy relationship with you right now because that's all he can handle. Fair enough. If I were your son or your future DIL the number one thing I would want from you, is to hear that you're there to support them on their day in whatever capacity that may be. However they want you involved on their day, you're game and happily so.
I think many people have a lot of personal expectations and emotions attached to weddings that aren't realistic. Just love your son and express your love to him. Support him during a time that is high stress.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi Amy, I really wouldn't let the invitation interfere with your reconciliation with your son. These days many wedding invitations are less formal, and a lot of people who receive it probably won't read anything into it. From memory, I wasn't mentioned on my son's wedding invitation. In the old days weddings were put on by the parents, but it's much more usual now for the couple to arrange their own event, so the parents may not be the ones doing the inviting.
It's much more important that your son knows you want to be there at his special day.
It's much more important that your son knows you want to be there at his special day.
I'm going to go with this. I don't want to put it off much longer. I want to go to my sons wedding. Whatever will be will be whatever will be. I can't put it off till invites are received. My son is feeling miserable now. I need to put an end to all of this.
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Originally Posted by Stung
I mean this from a place of love, kindness and from my own personal experience: please forget the wedding invitations. Please. And forget your daughter's involvement with the wedding. It sounds like she's probably adding a layer of drama to your son's wedding.
When I was planning my wedding both my dysfunctional family and my husband's dysfunctional family were making a big deal about EVERYTHING and how it effected THEM. Seating arrangements, invites, hotel accommodations, food, alcohol, etc. My now SIL chewed me out big time because I didn't invite her family who lives in freaking England. A wedding is mainly about the two people who are getting married.
I think you're trying your best, Amy, and I think your son loves you and that he just wants a very simple easy relationship with you right now because that's all he can handle. Fair enough. If I were your son or your future DIL the number one thing I would want from you, is to hear that you're there to support them on their day in whatever capacity that may be. However they want you involved on their day, you're game and happily so.
I think many people have a lot of personal expectations and emotions attached to weddings that aren't realistic. Just love your son and express your love to him. Support him during a time that is high stress.
When I was planning my wedding both my dysfunctional family and my husband's dysfunctional family were making a big deal about EVERYTHING and how it effected THEM. Seating arrangements, invites, hotel accommodations, food, alcohol, etc. My now SIL chewed me out big time because I didn't invite her family who lives in freaking England. A wedding is mainly about the two people who are getting married.
I think you're trying your best, Amy, and I think your son loves you and that he just wants a very simple easy relationship with you right now because that's all he can handle. Fair enough. If I were your son or your future DIL the number one thing I would want from you, is to hear that you're there to support them on their day in whatever capacity that may be. However they want you involved on their day, you're game and happily so.
I think many people have a lot of personal expectations and emotions attached to weddings that aren't realistic. Just love your son and express your love to him. Support him during a time that is high stress.
I was given so much info at this Christening, that I could have exposed and justified myself, and I will not ever use this.
It is my sons day, and that is all that matters. I can let the rest of all of this drop.
I will though forever be wary of my daughter.
I will contact my son tomorrow and let you know how it turns out.
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You're a good mom, Amy. 
I think you might be surprised that being easy going about his wedding and having absolutely zero expectations will be the best gift you can give to him and his fiancé. Wedding planning and trying to appease everyone is difficult. Especially when it appears that the wedding planner already has her own agenda. Anything that does or doesn't happen with this wedding, don't hold it against your son. He likely has a somewhat limited role in the planning of his wedding anyway.
I think you might be surprised that being easy going about his wedding and having absolutely zero expectations will be the best gift you can give to him and his fiancé. Wedding planning and trying to appease everyone is difficult. Especially when it appears that the wedding planner already has her own agenda. Anything that does or doesn't happen with this wedding, don't hold it against your son. He likely has a somewhat limited role in the planning of his wedding anyway.
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Stung,
You are right. This wedding is not about me, not about my ex, not about anything except my son and his fiance. I will do nothing to destroy this day for him, and I will do the repairs necessary. (Getting his grandmother to come in for the wedding).
I am so tired of my family drama.
You are right. This wedding is not about me, not about my ex, not about anything except my son and his fiance. I will do nothing to destroy this day for him, and I will do the repairs necessary. (Getting his grandmother to come in for the wedding).
I am so tired of my family drama.
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Reiterating what has been said - seems you already know you weren't listed on the invitation. Just let it go - I wouldn't even mention it to him at all. The people who notice that will be few. When I get a wedding invitation I look who it is, where, and date. That's about it.
Start serving the unexpected - drama is expected. Rise above and refuse to participate.
Start serving the unexpected - drama is expected. Rise above and refuse to participate.
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I'm letting it all go. Thanks for being here for me. This invitation stuff was never an important thing for me. I won't let it be now. In a way, I was thinking more of how my son was feeling about it. He did say that he got angry quickly and made rash decisions.
I don't want him to carry that with him. I just want him to know that I love him.
I think thats why I am holding back till the invites come out. Just in case my sister was right about this. I don't need to discuss it with him, I just want him to be able to relax that no other "surprises" will come out.
I don't want him to carry that with him. I just want him to know that I love him.
I think thats why I am holding back till the invites come out. Just in case my sister was right about this. I don't need to discuss it with him, I just want him to be able to relax that no other "surprises" will come out.
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I am so tired of my family drama.
There's drama in my family too (I think there is to some degree in most families). I'm gearing up for a family gathering (big even birthday celebration) and I've had to think long and hard about how to approach it. It's so easy to get worried about "well what if THIS happens?" or "what if he/she does THIS?" and "What if they invite THIS person?"...
I think what I've learned from reading through this post is that the best way to handle things is, like you say, to remember that this event isn't about ME. It's about the people it's about -- in your case, the happy couple; in my case, the aging aunt. So I will approach my event with the same grace and dignity you're approaching yours. And maybe rehearse the phrase, "Dear, I am here to celebrate Aunt Daisy's 80th birthday. That is what I will focus on." I think that'll be a good response to any drama other people try to cook up!
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I will be making amends to my son after the wedding invites come out. I don't want him to think that he is hiding something that might upset me. I will let everything go.
What I want is to be with my son on the happiest day of his life. I don't want him to ever look back on that day with regret. I will do what I have to do, so he has the best day ever. I shelved my "rightness". I boxed it up and put a really good lock on it.
I love my son, that is the bottom line. Yes, there has been a lot of drama and at this point, I am more willing to eat dirt then to ruin my sons day.
It helps to write these things out and to get feedback, because it makes me stronger. It keeps me from going back to where I feel my "rightness". Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes that is a bad thing.
I thought things through with the help of this board, (btw, did I say thank you, I really do mean it with every inch of my soul). I could prove my "rightness" and just be upset about not being invited to the wedding, and let that poison into my blood and my sons blood for the rest of our lives. Or I could eat dirt or gravel, whatever and stop my own "rightness" so that he can have the best day ever, and we can repair our relationship. I choose the second option.
What I want is to be with my son on the happiest day of his life. I don't want him to ever look back on that day with regret. I will do what I have to do, so he has the best day ever. I shelved my "rightness". I boxed it up and put a really good lock on it.
I love my son, that is the bottom line. Yes, there has been a lot of drama and at this point, I am more willing to eat dirt then to ruin my sons day.
It helps to write these things out and to get feedback, because it makes me stronger. It keeps me from going back to where I feel my "rightness". Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes that is a bad thing.
I thought things through with the help of this board, (btw, did I say thank you, I really do mean it with every inch of my soul). I could prove my "rightness" and just be upset about not being invited to the wedding, and let that poison into my blood and my sons blood for the rest of our lives. Or I could eat dirt or gravel, whatever and stop my own "rightness" so that he can have the best day ever, and we can repair our relationship. I choose the second option.
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