embraced2000

I was a constant on this forum years ago when I was in marriage with XAH. the ESH I found in al-anon and on this forum saved my life, of that i'm sure.

now, I have a new struggle.

my DD and her children have moved in with me after she decided to end her 10yr marriage to a substance abuser.

my daughters family has been so profoundly affected by the environment of their family circumstances. it is heartbreaking to see my grandchildren's behavior so strongly altered because of family dynamics created in such a toxic atmosphere.

my daughter cannot make the simplest decisions. her and her children have learned to cover, hide, use facades, etc., just for the sake of maintaining the appearance of a well adjusted family.

it all came crashing down. they are wounded, confused, embarrassed, angry, you name it.

old character traits of mine are just right under my skin's surface....just bubbling away, awaiting a crack to spew from.

for now, I keep telling myself that she has made the break...that is good. one step at a time. I constantly have to monitor myself from trying to direct, control, and fix their problems.

can't go there again. don't want to go there again.

I try to keep a level ground for myself in the knowledge that they needed a roof and I was able to provide that part.

this arrangement is short term....she has a home rented but it won't be ready for one month. so, surely, I can get through this without backsliding into old behaviors????

redatlanta

I don't know what the exact situation is but sometimes people do NEED help - its not always us being codies.

Time might heal some of this. I imagine they are all feeling a bit discombobulated and weird. Being in your stress free home will be very helpful.

They are lucky to have you.

Wisconsin

((HUGS)) Embraced. I agree--we are both going through a tough few days right now. I'm sending my positive vibes and prayers your way.

Raider

You are a wonderful person.

embraced2000

one thing I am struggling with is impatience. i want daughter to fast track into squaring things up and getting on track. and i know, know, know, know better than this.

all of the details aren't important in her story. h#ll, you could take all of our stories, squish them together, and it would still be a fruitcake.....same ingredients, just different textures.

it troubles me beyond belief that she has to experience this. makes me super anxious.

Mango blast

Have you read this page yet? (((hugs)))
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hildren-3.html

The biggest thing that's helped me with learning how to interact with my family is the book Respect Me Rules. I have triggers, they have theirs. I've stopped being a target and have also been learning how to interact differently with the people around me -- especially my close family members.

What is your current support system? Is there an Alanon meeting near you?

Mango blast

Over a year ago, one day when my mom was visiting she was helping me make lunch and asked me something about a salad. I broke down. I told her yet again to please not ask me questions. That I can't deal with that. I don't know about the salad and I can't even go there, I'm just trying to do the best I can!

I had asked her many times before to not ask me questions, to just do things how she wanted to. That breakdown was when she 'got it' more. Having a decision to make of any kind was so hard. My brain wasn't wired right, things were misfiring, I also had the food intolerances messing with me but it was more than that. Shopping trips that should have been easy were excruciating. I thought they were 'normal', but at the same time just trying to figure out which item to buy was often hard.

For a while I needed her to help me when she could, and then I came to the realization that I didn't want help anymore, I wanted to be healthy enough to do it myself.

Now if I'm overwhelmed and she asks me something I'll say, "Don't ask me about the salad!" Then she knows right where I'm at and we can both laugh. Progress, not perfection.

Now when I am able to make decisions, I'm so grateful for that ability! I needed time to get here. It wasn't on her timeline or that of anyone else.

LoveMeNow

I pray your daughter takes this opportunity to get healthy. We know it can be a long journey. Keep working your program and hopefully she will want what you have. Be the best sample you can be, it puts the focus back on you.

embraced2000

keeping....i attend al-anon.

being the codie that i am, the possibility of becoming full blown code mode is always a concern for me. my daughter is doing just fine....she got out. she doesn't need any fixes from me and i need to wrap my head around that. she will heal on her terms, in her time. not mine.

resisting the "urge" to intervene is the struggle i am having.....that.....and becoming full blown code.

LightInside

I wonder if it would help to read the Detachment leaflet from Al Anon. Just because she's not a substance abuser doesn't mean she's not addicted to elements of her relationship. Have you point-blank asked her the best way you can help her?

I remember moving out of the family home in February. I was falling apart. My mom just stood there, not knowing what to do. I remember thinking, "This is my mother? She won't even hug me?" Okay, that's our crazy family dynamics, but I bring it up to say that offering your ears and shoulders might just be very helpful. I don't know if hugs come naturally in your family or not...

Maybe you can think of your patience as a gift to your daughter that is equally as important as the shelter you're providing. I can attest that it is invaluable. To be met where one is at is rare and very supportive. If you read that link posted by Keepinthefaith, there is talk of balance when it comes to pointing out truth and being gentle.

LightInside

I think sometimes we are impatient because we're uncomfortable watching those we love suffer, but that's OUR discomfort. Two examples:

When I was with my XA I was very uncomfortable watching him be angry all the time. Because of MY discomfort, I wanted him to quit that. My expectation drove the wedge between us even deeper.

My sister has been very supportive of me, until the other night. I was telling her (for the umpteenth time) how sad I am to not share the joyful moments of my child with his father. My sister said, "Well, it's time for you to stop being sad about that." It was clear to me at that point that I can't count on my sister to listen patiently to me anymore. When I got defensive, she said, "I just don't want to see you be sad anymore." That says it all. She is uncomfortable seeing me be sad.

Does that mean I'm going to stop being sad on her schedule? No. I am where I am and now I know she doesn't want to hear it. Am I gonna tell other people who aren't burnt out on me? Probably. Until it doesn't hurt anymore, this is my coping. It's fairly healthy coping compared to some methods and I have made progress.

Maybe that's another way to help your daughter. Acknowledge her progress no matter how little. Remember that it's normal to take several steps forward, then a few back. It's the overall trend that's important to note.

embraced2000

good point, light. I so want to lay out a path for my daughter to follow and get all better, right NOW!

why should I think I would know the right path? that's the codie in me.

it does truly make me so uncomfortable to see her so broken.

logically, I understand that this recovery time is hers. not mine to direct.

and I am scared. of myself. I do not want to go back to that place of darkness within myself that made me so miserable for so long.

it's really hard for me to explain.

LightInside

Hugs to you. I can imagine if my son was going through the same pain I've gone through, I would want to put a stop to it immediately.

Thank you for showing me another side of the story.

lillamy

I am so glad your DD and her kids have a safe harbor while they wait for their new home.
I can imagine it would be quite triggering to see her in that state -- but remember that there is no one better to understand what she's going through.

When I left AXH, I was much like you describe your DD.
I didn't have my parents nearby. I lived with a coworker for two weeks, and then moved into my own place. I had people TELL ME what I needed to do -- and it was good, for a while, to get the logistical stuff in place. It kept me going, that I had to deal with banks and insurances and this and that.

I did what I had to do. But I couldn't make simple decisions, like -- what do I make for dinner? Do I want coffee or tea?

I honestly think that whatever you do will be so appreciated. Right now, they are safe, and that is what they need the most. And I... I'm just so grateful to you for taking them all in even though it is difficult and triggering for you.

And that you're even concerned about going full codie and trying to arrange her life and recovery -- I think that pretty much guarantees you won't.

You are good people.

Hopeworks

Hi Embraced,

What a great opportunity for your family relationships in this time of transition. My immediate thoughts are that a family counselor/ therapist helped me enormously when I was involved with stepchildren and other relationships that I wished I could control outcomes.

Have you discussed any of this with your daughter? Just letting her know that you care deeply about her struggle but respect her enough to not try to overstep boundaries into directing and controlling her is your immediate goal. Letting her know that you care about how she feels and that a healthy relationship with her and her children while being as supportive and as helpful as she wishes would be a huge deposit in her bank account.

Using the I word and keeping the focus on your recovery and E,S and H will make any conversations about healthy relationships and transitions in life less stressful for her.

Counseling for those kids with the right therapist could be the ticket to a much faster way out of the place they are now...

Keep us posted ...

azbluesgal

Over twenty years ago I was working night shift at a minimum security treatment center containing some really sick teenagers. More like a country club. All I did was count heads periodically and yell at them to get back in their own beds and knock it off. interesting fact but not the real meat of the story. Here it is... this young gal, about 22 came in early in the morning and did some cleaning, so I started talking to her for something to do. She related that SHE indeed had been a patient at the facility a short while ago. She related her list of co-morbid disorders and problems and I asked her what prompted the change from "crazy to functional". She just simply said "I JUST COULD NOT AFFORD TO BE NUTS ANYMORE". so here's a person who simply "woke up" and decided what was NOT working for you (I.E. making you happy) JUST QUIT DOING WHAT's DESTROYING YOU. Not only is that sound buddhist advice, it's already been done many times in CBT. However, some people are just "addicted" to drama, suffering and such. I prefer the Dhamma.

embraced2000

thanks to you all for your shares. what a comfort to know I can always come here for a quick "tune-up".

looking into my daughters face and seeing the brokenness is heartbreaking. seeing my grandchildrens dysfunctional behaviors, the family dynamics, are just as sad.

I plan on spending the day nurturing the thought that this is the beginning for them, instead of how heartbreaking it is for me, me, me.

after reading ya'lls responses to my post, I've set my own boundaries for this situation, followed some of the suggestions offered, and discussed the same with my daughter.

her face is so easy to read. like a clear pane of glass. it's just that her words aren't matching with her actions. smoke screen and mirrors.

so much pain in her. part of her is aware, part isn't.

waking up is so very hard to do. along with it comes a stark realization of your own part in the chaos, which is making her so ashamed.

no reason for shaming......those days are over, luvvyyyy!!!!!

acknowledgement, then acceptance, then owning it, then dragging it outta the closet into the light!!!! healing begins.

I never want to forget where I have been. it helps me stay where i'm at. and shows me where I can go.

FireSprite

You've gotten great advice & you really seem to have a solid program under your belt (i.e. beautiful awareness, a go-to tool kit) & you've been able to develop a great strategy for dealing with it all. Just offering more ((((hugs)))) because I can't imagine how hard it is for you (& others) to not rush in & "rescue" your kids in these situations. Heck, that's a hard habit to break outside of addiction & codependency, as parents we never want to see our kids suffer. It's so hard to remember that we can't walk their paths for them!

You can totally handle this without backsliding too far!!