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OT - narcissistic personality disorder

Old 04-13-2014, 07:23 AM
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OT - narcissistic personality disorder

Per my recent thread I have been having issues with my business partner. Since that thread I have detached from him completely. At this point I am so disinterested in him I could care less if I ever see him again.

Detaching has given me some perspective into his actions which I have attributed to his stress at home, his bf addiction etc. maybe his own use. Yesterday I came into my business and found it a mess. Hair color on the floor, trash can over flowing, chemicals left out and open, sink a mess. After cleaning it up (yeah I had to I had clients coming in and that is a violation of state board) I made a list of his actions since we have worked together.

He doesn't clean - won't. We have argued continuously about this.

He has no respect for my personal property. Takes and uses it without apology.
When confronted about problems such as the above instead of apologizing or changing the behavior he blames me.

He seems to have more need for being complimented than anyone I have ever met before. He is an outstanding colorist, maybe the best I have ever known, yet his business does not reflect that. He is not motivated by money only seems to be motivated by acknowledgement that he is the best.

He makes fun of other stylist friends of ours and their talents. They are all very good - and far more successful than he is. He will turn business away because he doesn't like the client's appearance even though he is broke. he will refuse to do someone if they don't' agree to "his way".

He has lost clients because he refuses to do what they ask. If a client returns because they are unhappy (because he refused to do what they asked) he gets angry and denigrates them (to me) for having no taste.

He lies. Constantly. Usually the lie is self generated i.e. not based on something I have asked him, rather, based on information that he starts talking about himself. He seems to forget that he tells these things often and then later contradicts himself by saying something about it. When questioned, he will say he never said it in the first place or not acknowledge what he said. Often there lies are based on grandiosity and events that never occur. I would not even ask him what time it is I am not sure he would tell me the truth.

He does not bode well with the few rules there. In fact when I ask him to do something, such as give me his current license, he will say ok then never do it. There are many examples of that.

He doesn't have any empathy for anybody. His parents cosigned a loan for him many years ago and he has stopped paying on it. They are upset and he hung the phone up on them when they called about it! He said to me "he can't help it he has been sick and he can't believe they are trying to make him feel guilty when he has been sick". ????? mouth on floor.

So I googled this behavior yesterday and it came back with NPD. Google is such a good psychiatrist lol! I don't know if he is obviously, but the shoe does seem to fit.

I am in process of finding someone to replace him. RAH wants to have a "talk" with him - I have had many. I don't see any reason to. I just want him gone. I suppose it doesn't really matter since I plan on firing him ASAP (its could take some time though) - I would like some feedback from those who have dealt with it and perhaps some pointers on dealing with people like this.
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Old 04-13-2014, 08:51 AM
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His dysfunctions are distracting you from your overall goal and vision for your business.
He is not an asset to your company and alienates clients.
Looking at it from a purely business decision, I would fire him in a hot minute.
And look for someone who has the skills to help you grow your business.
Your business is yours to manage. what is your perspective from a purely management position, whose eye is on the bottom line and growth of the business?
Dealing with his personal liabilities is not your place.
It isn't hard to fire someone.
You simply tell him that his services are no longer needed and from what you write, stick around as he packs up his things so he does not steal yours.
If he won't leave you can have the police escort him out...just call them.
No conversation with him is going to fix this matter.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:03 AM
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He rents a chair in my business a small studio. He has managed to pay his rent so far. I have had an extremely good month and May looks the same. At that time I might feel comfortable enough to let him go. Right now I do not. I am looking for ways to cope with this behavior it is affecting me not my personal clients.

I am aware he is no asset to my business other than his rental payments.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:14 AM
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big sense of entitlement. ugh! dealt with that for years.

sounds as if he could benefit from owning his own shop. there he could possibly flourish under his own management since he is so talented at ego-inflating. he could post huge posters of himself all over the walls for decorations.

can't deal with these people. there are professions that narcissicists flourish....center of attention sort of professions....i'll not name them in case any of us have those professions! lol
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:31 AM
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Hey embrace2000 thankyou your post made me laugh so hard I dropped my phone. No harm no foul... The thougt of him in his own place with posters of himself is spot on. Maybe if I plastered pics of him all over the studio he would feel more inclined to work?

Lol you are brilliant!!
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
big sense of entitlement. ugh! dealt with that for years.

sounds as if he could benefit from owning his own shop. there he could possibly flourish under his own management since he is so talented at ego-inflating. he could post huge posters of himself all over the walls for decorations.
Lol! That's very funny.
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Old 04-13-2014, 05:24 PM
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well...maybe slowly set the boundaries with him...set it in letter form and let him SIGN it...

for example...turning away new clients....
not cleaning his mess...take a picture of it and CHARGE him for the cleaning YOU DO...
when it comes to 3 strikes...you are OUT!...

maybe i'm talking out of turn here, but I am sure you will find away...

stop enabling him....
GOOD LUCK!
http://thenarcissistatwork.com/2012/...-monkey-dance/

by the way...i am single and 45, this seems to be normal behaviour among men i date...lol
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Old 04-13-2014, 06:03 PM
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Fourmaggie if he was my employee I could - he is not. I cannot make him take any clients.

I have set rules. He has followed the two that matter the most. No alcohol in the studio and close by 9. I charged him $25 for cleaning his mess. He is happy to pay it I am not happy to do it.

I don't feel that I enable him. I am in a bit of a catch 22 a little nervous still to lose his rental income. We are a new business been open 7 months. I am saving every penny I have to get to a point that I feel ok cutting him loose rather than doing so and worrying. The structure of the business works best as a rental space rather than as an employee. That has benefits (cost effective) and detriments (everything I have written). I believe our friendship has been a detriment - while I am not his "boss" I do own the business. We don't have that type of relationship I believe he views himself as an equal rather than a booth renter that needs to follow rules.

I simply need to replace him and have been trying to. Stylists don't move often here, they are leery of new businesses. I also do not want to exchange one problem for another. there is a lot of drug and alcohol dependency in my career - I know what I want to find.
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Old 04-14-2014, 02:03 PM
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hummmmm, well, i tried
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Old 04-14-2014, 11:34 PM
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It can be hard to split with an NPD. You might look up a book by Bill Eddy: "BIFF" (about dealing with high conflict people). His book on divorcing a narcissist, "Splitting," accurately describes the difficulty and personal attacks resulting from a divorce from someone with NPD/BPD: projections, lies, smears.
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Old 04-15-2014, 02:03 AM
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Hi redatlanta, as he isn't motivated by the normal things like money is there any way of motivating him with grandiose praise? Probably not, and I agree with you that your RAH won't be able to talk him around either.
The harm minimisation you are practising now, plus looking urgently for a talented replacement seems the only way to go. Maybe try for a driven young person who wants to go out on their own but can't afford their own place.
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Old 04-15-2014, 05:09 AM
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Fourmaggie - I really appreciate your suggestions, have already been down that route. Have listed everything he needs to do before he leaves. Have fined him before. Have talked till I am blue in the face. Have been nice, have tried to bargain, and have screamed. Screaming is the only thing that has ever worked but I don't like getting that upset. He reminds me of a defiant child. If asked to do something, he is NOT going to. Not asking doesn't solve it either. I have honestly never encountered a person like this. I have known him since 2005, I had a little idea about some things but I had no idea what he was really like.

Feelinggreat - Perhaps grandiose praise would work lol - Ok, I just can't. I have no problem praising anyone for a job well done. I just got him to stop sending me repeated pictured of clients he has done. I don't mind seeing, but I also don't need 15 photos of a head of hair followed by a paragraph describing why he is so talented and why all other stylists suck. Nauseating.

Peaceofpi - will look into that book!

Thank you all!
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Old 04-15-2014, 07:53 AM
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Well if you decide to fire him, I would NOT suggest any psych problems, because that could be called discrimination. I would just bring up all the work related issues that hurt your business.
It's probably dang near impossible to change narcissistic behavior, my FIL is definitely in that zone, and he is going on 90. He is deaf now, but I think it doesn't make a bit of difference, he never listened to anyone, anyway!
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Old 04-15-2014, 08:00 AM
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I had to relieve a person from their job duties one time. it was at the end of a 3 year struggle trying to save the situation. finally, I began building the paperwork that would legally terminate his position.

at our meeting, I patiently laid out all of the documented paper trail. he just didn't get it at all....kept saying...why? why?

after doing all the legalize stuff and our meeting had ended, we walked out into the hallway where it was just the two of us....no surveillance of any kind.

he asked me why? again! I finally took a deep breath, and said to him ever so quietly....because you are a total a$$hole.

finished. finale. the end. clicked heels.
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Old 04-15-2014, 08:05 AM
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I agree with pieceofpi. For me it wasn't the splitting from the NPD that was hard, it was the extensive, ongoing character assassination that went on afterward, stuff that had no resemblance to or feet in reality. I was not expecting or prepared for it, and the force with which it took over my life and work was and is still shocking. Definitely do your research on dealing with difficult people and prepare yourself to get strong and enduring blowback from this clown and start making decisions now about how you will handle future attacks against your character and the business.

Dealing with the NPD in my life made a lot more sense once I grasped what narcissistic supply and narcissistic injury looked like in the real world. The best advice I've gotten for dealing with a NPD person -- especially as someone who has codependent tendencies -- has been to cut them out of my world as completely as possible.
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Old 04-15-2014, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
I had to relieve a person from their job duties one time. it was at the end of a 3 year struggle trying to save the situation. finally, I began building the paperwork that would legally terminate his position.

at our meeting, I patiently laid out all of the documented paper trail. he just didn't get it at all....kept saying...why? why?

after doing all the legalize stuff and our meeting had ended, we walked out into the hallway where it was just the two of us....no surveillance of any kind.

he asked me why? again! I finally took a deep breath, and said to him ever so quietly....because you are a total a$$hole.

finished. finale. the end. clicked heels.
now see...this may work...taking pictures of what he is NOT doing...signing an agreement...something is bound to work here...i agree, changing him will not work but WORKING with what he is worth is...
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