Florence

I was a troubled teenager and my folks spent a lot of energy flitting around me and trying to make me sign up for things, talk to them, go to therapy, and all other manner of craziness. What would have helped me was straightforward and honest conversation about our family and how mental illness and violence affected us inside the family, a commitment from my parents (even one of them) to get their ducks in a row and commit to managing their anxiety and depression, and some breathing room to just be a kid who makes mistakes and has choices.

In my experience with my own son (14), the best thing I've done for us was get MYSELF into therapy, so I could change my behaviors and reactions to his teen angst. I used to fret and even get angry over his moodiness and snarls, and it contributed to the tension at home. During some dark times, we had a couple of sessions together that were about truth-telling and asking/answering questions about his dad, my relationship with his dad, and what happened with his step-dad, my STBXAH. It was a cleansing moment, but very painful to go through. But again, I still feel like the extensive therapy for me was the game changer.

^^^ This. He doesn't have to love it, or love going every day. He just needs to have mentors that aren't his mom who see the potential, talent, and good in him.

I went to a church youth group. If my mom knew what was really going on in that youth group, she'd have burned down the church. HOWEVER, the relationships I made in that youth group were integral to getting me through some of the roughest stuff and it was important for my survival -- even as a baby atheist -- that I did it. They nurtured my writing aspirations and saw me as a leader and a vital member of the group. It was a positive image of myself that I carried for many years.

It's not the group that matters -- it could be MMA or math club -- it's the relationships. Whatever he drifts towards, as long as it's healthy, support it!


Good luck, mama. This is hard stuff. I'm rooting for you.

unsureoffuture

4myboys,

I dont really have any ESH to offer but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. My kids are still little and I know as a mom that is my greatest fear that I cannot protect my kids from the effects of it all. It is heartwrentching to watch. Just know he is going through a difficult age. He has watched you be strong and you have been such a positive role model for him. It is sinking in. I agree with others, find something positive that interests him, a sport, a part time job, a hobby whatever he enjoys. Abandonment is such a horrible feeling for kids but there is hope. Kids are very resilient!! Keep reminding him you love him and are there for him no matter what.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. It is so very hard. That being said, it sounds like he is hurting but he is also using your vulnerability to push you buttons. Remember, be a parent first. It's nice and good if we can be friends too, but parent first with clear boundaries.

I don't know where you live, but here there are several places that offer therapy on a sliding scale of what you make and one that will even accept payments of that as long as you can pay $10 per month. It is worth calling around.

I hope things get better. I would also encourage you to speak to the school counselors and social worker if there is one as they also have lots of info for resources and can be of great help.

Tight Hugs.

lillamy

I think this is a brilliant idea. Martial arts, when done right, is incredible both mentally and physically. I really think that will help him.

As for the therapy -- you know, it's a tough nut to crack. I pulled one of my kids from therapy because the therapist said they were making zero progress; she just outright refuses to discuss her father. Another one is still in therapy, and it wasn't until her relationship with her father started popping up in other relationships that she made any progress. She was choosing friends who were like her father -- unreliable, lying, betraying her, backstabbing -- and she asked the therapist what was wrong with her that "everyone" treated her that way. And that opened up for talking about how these friends were like her father, and how she tried to "fix" the original relationship by befriending people who reminded her of him.

So that long paragraph to say that sometimes, it takes a long time for therapy to get to the point. And it's an expensive thing to go through when you week after week see no progress.

I can see in one of my sons that he has built a strong distrust for men -- it took him a good year of only good experiences with his new stepdad to stop "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and he was incredibly protective of me.

I don't know what the answer is. I can tell you that my kids' counselors have all said the same thing -- a physical distance from an addict parent is crucial to being able to start approaching dealing with the relationship. My kids' counseling was basically triage up till the point where AXH dropped out of their lives. Not useless, but it didn't ever get to the point of starting to dig in the really painful stuff. So the fact that his father is absent may not be totally awful after all? Maybe it's better than the constant disappointments?

hopeful4

I was involved in a Crossfit gym for quite some time and only stopped due to an injury. Speak to the trainers there and let them know what is going on. Those types of gyms are normally a big group effort and the commerede you find there is amazing, or it was at Crossfit which is alot like an MMA gym.

It was wonderful, those people became family to me. It would be a great place to find positive male mentorship for your son.

God Bless!

formyboys

Thank you all for your support...I don't know how Im going to make it with this boy. It just keeps on coming and I feel like Im all alone in it. Nothing I do is right, He is so manipulative he will lie about everything. We will have a great talk, he will cry and tell me how he wasn't me to trust him, he wants to be a man and own up to his responsibilities and then the next day I will catch him in a lie, or he will do something so disrespectful. I have found messages on his phone to his father making up horrible lies about me..he will only message him when he is mad at me and not getting his way.

Im still looking for therapy...I think that is our best bet right now. He is currently suspended from school till Wed. for a pretty petty reason but still suspended. then he lied to all his friends at school and told them he had to go to court for what happened at school and now has community service and a P.O. (he and another kid took a plate of cookies...he only got suspended because he lied about it when he got caught..it was embarrassing to say the least) From the messages I read all his friends know he is lieing and now think he is just an idiot. This poor kid has issues that I don't even know what to do about. God help me, I am at the end of my rope.

Mango blast

This sounds like a good plan. Call, ask, keep looking. Pray. I'm just starting to be more aware of personality disorders. I had looked them up before, but never related to them. Now I'm looking with a different viewpoint and finding lots of information.

Part of the problem seems to be in finding the right therapist for the individual. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

FeelingGreat

Hi formyboys, my sister has a son, now a young adult who I think was born angry and despite going to an excellent school turned out wild without being an outright criminal (his trade is locksmith, which is a bit of a worry).
She has spent many years appeasing him, and even now fusses around him and protects him in a way that drives me crazy. The only progress he has made has been when she and his father have stepped back and he's been put onto his own resources.
I'm not suggesting you're like that at all, just saying that sometimes we have to challenge them to step up. It's a difficult balance I know, and I wish you all the best.

CodeJob

Formyboys, I think therapy is the right step too. Hugs.

dandylion

formyboys---absolutely....therapy. PLUS---all the other things that were discussed earlier in this thread about a mother trying to raise a male child alone. Therapist--strong male figures--meaningful interests...

I can tell you...from my own experience....that feeling alone and "scared-to-death" about your own child is, perhaps, the hardest part of this to bear. Hon, you need support in being a parent as much as he needs help navigating this formative period of his life. If you can't find a support group for parents--find a therapist for yourself. Someone that you can sit down and cry to in safety...LOL.

A word of caution...we...especially ME....know how tormented you feel----BUT, do not let him see that part of it. Hang steady in front of him. Whether you can see it or not--he will pick up on your feelings and attitudes. He needs to know that you are Captain of this Ship---even if he feels like he hates your guts. Remember that his feelings are not really about you...personally. It is about his own situation. Not even about his father as much as you probably think. It is about how he feels about his own world--and peer situation. Teens have a private world of their own that they never let us see all of. (it is a part of the independence-dependence developmental milestone that all people go through at some point.

So, mom...hang tight and hang steady. This stuff doesn't get resolved overnight. You are doing a better job than you think. The end of the world has not come. Both of you will get through this.

dandylion

Florence

He probably means all of these things. Teenagers are in a constant state of emotional flux. As with an alcoholic, don't take his missives too personally. I get insane when my teenager lies to me, but I have realized that lying for a child is just a coping mechanism. He wants what he wants, and doesn't want to be in trouble for wanting it or getting it. Just like with little kids, teenagers are learning coping skills and some of them are maladaptive. If you come from a place of kindness and understanding, and not from a place of fear and anxiety, I believe you will weather this and he will respect your efforts.

Hold tight, mama.

amy55

teenagers are very scary. Just think and know that when he may seem to be lashing out at you, he is doing it because he feels safe with you.

You got out of a really bad relationship. He was there, he saw things, he heard things, he is trying to adjust to things and make things right in his mind. You are the safe parent. Don't ever forget that.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))