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The cost of leaving.

Old 04-12-2014, 09:17 PM
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The cost of leaving.

I was talking to my best friend today about divorcing the AH.She has always been there for me. She keeps saying I should wait it out, that things have gotten better (THEY have some). Ah did stop drinking for six months last year. But his behavior was worse. More arguing, mean And angry. After I called the police last year he hasn't touched me or the kids. I know she is worried I will have to move. We're neighbors. Moving is the one thing that has kept me from leaving. I hate for my kids to have to leave their home. It may be if I could wait he'll die. He is in poor health and drives drunk all the time. (That sounds so sick).I'm just so tired of the stress.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:26 PM
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The sad truth is that many a wife of an alcoholic dies from the stress of living with an alcoholic long before the alcoholic does.

I would dream about AXH dying too. I would daydream of standing there at the funeral, being the grieving widow on the outside and celebrating on the inside. Then I would be free.

What if he lives to be 80?
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:32 PM
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Hi Wahine, apart from the kids, what is holding you there? Just wondering if it's financial barriers, or you're afraid of the future, or parenting alone? There might be a way of you staying in the same house, at least for a while, because you have children.
The usual advice is to keep a diary of when he's drunk, when he drives drunk, and anything significant about his parenting, or the way he acts towards you (verbal abuse, financial abuse etc.).
I would worry about the affect of his behaviour on the kids. The drink driving is no example for youngsters to see. Is there any chance of you getting him arrested when he drives drunk, anonymously if you're afraid of him?
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:47 PM
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I also wanted to say -- the decision whether to leave or stay should be yours and yours alone. Don't let your friend talk you into staying if you feel it's the wrong decision.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:52 PM
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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I was in a place once when I wished my husband would die while drunk driving too. Now that I'm past that point, I think that was akin to running up a lot of debt and playing the lotto and just biding my time until I hit the jackpot. Do you want to live with this over your head until some outside force changes your life for you, if that ever even happens?
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:41 PM
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My therapist said, 'what if he is injured and then depended on you for care. It would force him to change.' That was when I really started working on leaving. I have Lupus. Been very sick for 10 years. He has always treated me with anger and resentment for being such an inconvenience. This is really the only friend I have. I have been thinking of moving back to my home state where I have family. I am my friends only friend also. I think she is as fearful as I am. The only time I cry is when I think of all the other people, my kids, that he is hurting. It is so unfair.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:43 PM
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It's just a house. My bet is that 'home' to the kids is wherever you are.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:48 PM
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Thanks for all the advice. I have learned some great info here. Took three lawyers before I found one I could work with. He is trying to make me look bad to my kids now. The older ones see through him. They remember to much. Yesterday he told the youngest that she couldn't bring a friend for vacation because of me. (I'm not going).He thinks because he's been nice for two weeks that all should be good. Ugh!
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:13 PM
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I have another question. AH has been drinking a lot less lately. I am worried that when I file for divorce I will look bad trying to take the kids when he's not falling down drunk anymore. I know it is only temporary. He has been able to stay fairly sober for up to nine months one time. He is on to me seeing a lawyer. Has been super nice and generous to the kids lately. The worry is sucking me down.
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:28 PM
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Hi Wahine,

I think what you are doing is the right thing for you and for your children. I had a friend also that kept trying to get me to just stick around. It was when I decided I couldn't take it anymore, she came up with a suggestion that she could move in with me to help me with the bills, so that I wouldn't have to move. It was all on her own agenda, not mine !!!!

OK, so he is now hoovering you, (trying to suck you back in). It's not going to last. And he is now sucking up to the kids also.

You have lupus, I am sure the stress of all of this is also making you feel worse.

No matter what you decide to do, be assured that you can talk to us. Just being able to talk to others who are not judgemental, and don't have their own agenda for you, can really help.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
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Old 04-14-2014, 09:30 PM
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Hi,
I just got divorced last month from an AH. I found myself gradually becoming a heavy drinker myself.

In June of 2013 I told myself that I wanted out, I also was thinking about my child and this would affect him having alcoholic parents. Then I started to focus on a plan. Where do I start- how and when?

I started gradually moving things out of the house and into the garage. To make a long story I- I moved out in December with a place to live and a smooth transition for my son. I got legally divorced March 13, haven't drank since March 17 and I have never been more happier in my life. I will be the first to admit that it is a struggle, but I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR MYSELF AND SON
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Old 04-15-2014, 12:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Wahine View Post
I was talking to my best friend today about divorcing the AH.She has always been there for me. She keeps saying I should wait it out, that things have gotten better (THEY have some). Ah did stop drinking for six months last year. But his behavior was worse. More arguing, mean And angry. After I called the police last year he hasn't touched me or the kids. I know she is worried I will have to move. We're neighbors. Moving is the one thing that has kept me from leaving. I hate for my kids to have to leave their home. It may be if I could wait he'll die. He is in poor health and drives drunk all the time. (That sounds so sick).I'm just so tired of the stress.
Hi Wahine, nice to meet you.

Can I ask (and I apologize if this has been brought up already, it just occurred to me that since I did not read responses before I replied this may have been addressed), is it possible that your friend/neighbor's advice to "wait it out" has more to do with her not wanting you to move away from her, and less to do with what you actually need to do for yourself and the kids? I'm not even implying or suggesting that she is being deliberately unhelpful or even harmful in her advice; she might simply be so worried about being separated from you that this is taking priority in her mind.

Also, you said that things had gotten better, and cited that he had stopped drinking for 6 months last year - I am assuming that you cited this as proof or as an example of things being better (or do you mean that since he "hasn't touched" you or the kids since the cops were called last year, that THAT qualifies as "better"?)? If that assumption is correct, I would then add: But, right after that, you mentioned how his behavior actually got WORSE. You mentioned calling the police, and the impression I get is that there was physical abuse? Even if it was verbal abuse severe and threatening enough that law enforcement was called to intervene, what is your honest opinion here? (You said he has not touched you or the kids; you did not say he has eased up on the attitude; so I am guessing here that he is still being nasty, just not physical. Please correct me if I am incorrectly filling in blanks.)

Forget what anyone else thinks either way. Forget trying to please others. If you did not have to worry about anything else, any other factors, what would your honest opinion be: Did things actually get better? Remember, "not drinking" does not automatically = Better. And not being physically abusive but continuing on with verbal and emotional abuse is not "good enough".

Or, if this is easier: if your story were told to you by someone else and they asked for your opinion, what would your opinion be? This may help you to detach from the confusion and emotions, and see things more clearly.

You said moving is the thing keeping you, and you would hate to move your kids. What specifically are your fears associated with this? List them for yourself, mentally or on paper. Then, ask yourself if any of your concerns are truly things that won't be OK with the passing of some healing time/hard work/planning/etc.

Alternatively, this might not be what is keeping you from leaving. If this is the case I am certainly not judging you. I am just trying to help you get to the bottom of things. If you have other fears that cause you so much anxiety that you feel you are not strong enough to face them, you might use not wanting to move the kids as your Official Reason. Could this be happening, do you think?

Sending you wishes of peace and strength. I can definitely understand the anxieties associated with such a huge change. I need to leave my marriage myself, as a matter of fact. But, change can be a WONDERFUL thing, right?



Peace.
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Old 04-15-2014, 12:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Wahine View Post
My therapist said, 'what if he is injured and then depended on you for care. It would force him to change.' That was when I really started working on leaving. I have Lupus. Been very sick for 10 years. He has always treated me with anger and resentment for being such an inconvenience. This is really the only friend I have. I have been thinking of moving back to my home state where I have family. I am my friends only friend also. I think she is as fearful as I am. The only time I cry is when I think of all the other people, my kids, that he is hurting. It is so unfair.
Wahine,

I have some health issues that cause severe chronic pain and mobility issues. If you ever want to talk, just PM me. I don't have lupus, but I can relate to how hard it is to have health issues even under the best circumstances, let alone under such stressful ones, as well as how these things insidiously impact every area of life - even things no one would think of! I have been having computer issues on and off, and my husband recently broke my Kindle, so if I do not get back to you immediately please do not think I am ignoring you. It is a crapshoot whether the computer I am on will work each time I try to use it!

Peace.
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Old 04-15-2014, 10:50 AM
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Went back to lawyer today. After he explained to me that AH took 68K from our retirement account I had no problem writing a retainer check. Yeah, I think I was getting the Hoover treatment. AH took DD to a relatives cottage for a few days. He has been really spoiling her lately. I'm sure he is getting drunk every night. I am just so mad. One reason I really want to keep the house is I won't be able to buy one after Div unless I can pay cash. No job = no loan. I can't believe he didn't think I would find out about this. Uugh!
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Old 04-15-2014, 11:53 AM
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I'm so sorry that he did that to you. Just know that there is a paper trail and you should be entitled to half. Just give it over to your lawyer for now.

Will you be entitled to alimony? That does count as an income when purchasing a house. I know because been there done that.

I bought a foreclosure, that needed work done on it. But my house, and myself are healing together.
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Old 04-15-2014, 12:02 PM
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Can he leave?


Originally Posted by Wahine View Post
I was talking to my best friend today about divorcing the AH.She has always been there for me. She keeps saying I should wait it out, that things have gotten better (THEY have some). Ah did stop drinking for six months last year. But his behavior was worse. More arguing, mean And angry. After I called the police last year he hasn't touched me or the kids. I know she is worried I will have to move. We're neighbors. Moving is the one thing that has kept me from leaving. I hate for my kids to have to leave their home. It may be if I could wait he'll die. He is in poor health and drives drunk all the time. (That sounds so sick).I'm just so tired of the stress.
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Old 04-15-2014, 12:19 PM
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When my RAH relapsed there was a period that I thought it might be better if he died. He would have most likely if he kept it up he has got some serious issues due to alcoholism.

I didn't think that out of hatred, rather, I thought it might be only way he would ever feel at peace and conquer addiction.

Luckily he stopped.
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