My Heart Just Broke
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
My dear...."Whiskey D**k" is the fault of the drunk.
Don't internalize the bullsh!t he is spewing at you.
You know intellectually that this is his problem and fault, not yours, yes?
Why don't you know this emotionally/in your heart, as well?
What is the disconnect?
Perhaps old feelings of insecurity and low self esteem are there, dismissing your logical (AND CORRECT) understanding that this is all on him and all his problem and fault, and if that is the case, I suggest you take a moment to acknowledge that, be conscious of it, so that you can begin to change those automatic feelings of inferiority.
Go with your logic - it knows better.
Peace.
P.S. The excuse he gave.... makes absolutely no sense anyway.....drunken fool!
Don't internalize the bullsh!t he is spewing at you.
You know intellectually that this is his problem and fault, not yours, yes?
Why don't you know this emotionally/in your heart, as well?
What is the disconnect?
Perhaps old feelings of insecurity and low self esteem are there, dismissing your logical (AND CORRECT) understanding that this is all on him and all his problem and fault, and if that is the case, I suggest you take a moment to acknowledge that, be conscious of it, so that you can begin to change those automatic feelings of inferiority.
Go with your logic - it knows better.
Peace.
P.S. The excuse he gave.... makes absolutely no sense anyway.....drunken fool!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If you need the money to leave then by all means ask for it. Since you are getting ready to go on holiday I would approach him now. Say you need it for that.
A's are very conniving and they do not like to give up their enablers. He may be wise that you aren't happy and that what's standing in between you leaving is the money. Do not be surprised if he does not give it back to you, or does so only in drips and drabs.
Make a plan B just in case.
A's are very conniving and they do not like to give up their enablers. He may be wise that you aren't happy and that what's standing in between you leaving is the money. Do not be surprised if he does not give it back to you, or does so only in drips and drabs.
Make a plan B just in case.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
I'm annoyed with myself still because I feel horrible, even though I know that it is his problem, and it wasn't my fault. I've got a loan out for him which he pays me back by monthly instalments. I would be quite happy to continue this and he could transfer me the rest whenever he has it. He has two jobs so I don't think it would take that long, but I would obviously rather cut all ties. If I didn't get it back, I have two jobs myself so although I would grudge paying it back - I could. For some reason though, I think he would pay me back. He might not be a brilliant boyfriend, but he's not a thief. Even when we split up 5 weeks ago, he sent me money and told me that he would pay the rest ASAP.
We haven't really spoke this morning but he did say that he's not drinking anymore (heard it thousands of times) but I didn't really say anything back. I'm not sure whether to say something to him now or after the holiday. I feel like this holiday is the last chance, if he drinks and/or does drugs, then I'm gone. I can't imaging going through another weekend like that one, I'd much rather be in my own.
For people who have done it, how did you end your relationship? Was it a civil conversation or an argument?
We haven't really spoke this morning but he did say that he's not drinking anymore (heard it thousands of times) but I didn't really say anything back. I'm not sure whether to say something to him now or after the holiday. I feel like this holiday is the last chance, if he drinks and/or does drugs, then I'm gone. I can't imaging going through another weekend like that one, I'd much rather be in my own.
For people who have done it, how did you end your relationship? Was it a civil conversation or an argument?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how did you end your relationship?
you start by NOT going on a "last chance" vacation together.
after that, you state clearly that it's no longer working for you and you wish to separate. no argument, just a statement of fact. enough is enough. and you start your separating plan NOW.
he's treated you horribly. only YOU can assure he doesn't get the "chance" to do it again.
you start by NOT going on a "last chance" vacation together.
after that, you state clearly that it's no longer working for you and you wish to separate. no argument, just a statement of fact. enough is enough. and you start your separating plan NOW.
he's treated you horribly. only YOU can assure he doesn't get the "chance" to do it again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
This holiday has been booked for ages, and it's only a last chance thing for me. I haven't told him yet how I feel about it because I can't decide whether I should speak yo him beforehand or should I leave it to see if he can keep his promise yo stop drinking without me reminding him.
It sounds silly when I write it all down, but I was thinking about what it would be like without him and there was this pain in my chest. I don't want to part from him but I know that I might have to.
Not half an hour ago, he was fixing the boot lock on my car (it's been funny for some time), he said, "You must've slammed it or overfilled the boot" and I told him that I didn't because I'm careful now. I overfilled the boot once and caused the lock to break so I've never done it again and I'm always very careful when closing the boot. He said, "Well I think you did." He fixed it, but now without making me feel like it was my fault and pathetic.
I just don't know whether to say to him that if he drinks, then it's over and not. I feel that if I do say something then he'll not drink while I'm there and then as soon as I go home, he'll drink and keep drinking when he returns home. I know he will probably drink either way.
It hurts bad, I'm beginning to hate for what he's putting me through and I'm beginning to hate myself. Why am I still waiting around, hoping he'll change? Does he actually have to hit me before I leave?
I want to go on this holiday to get away from stresses of home to think further and to see how he will behave over there. I know already, but I want to see for myself, physical proof.
But I have absolutely no idea what to say to him.
It sounds silly when I write it all down, but I was thinking about what it would be like without him and there was this pain in my chest. I don't want to part from him but I know that I might have to.
Not half an hour ago, he was fixing the boot lock on my car (it's been funny for some time), he said, "You must've slammed it or overfilled the boot" and I told him that I didn't because I'm careful now. I overfilled the boot once and caused the lock to break so I've never done it again and I'm always very careful when closing the boot. He said, "Well I think you did." He fixed it, but now without making me feel like it was my fault and pathetic.
I just don't know whether to say to him that if he drinks, then it's over and not. I feel that if I do say something then he'll not drink while I'm there and then as soon as I go home, he'll drink and keep drinking when he returns home. I know he will probably drink either way.
It hurts bad, I'm beginning to hate for what he's putting me through and I'm beginning to hate myself. Why am I still waiting around, hoping he'll change? Does he actually have to hit me before I leave?
I want to go on this holiday to get away from stresses of home to think further and to see how he will behave over there. I know already, but I want to see for myself, physical proof.
But I have absolutely no idea what to say to him.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
As my daughter tells me when discussing "mom."
"Let's review, shall we?"
I've seen him drink Drink, Drank, Drunk.
Good. THAT is a Good Thing.
Asked and Answered.
By Yourself, For Yourself.
Listen to Yourself.
[add on edit]
Then say nothing.
If words were going to do anything, then NONE of us would be here.
"Let's review, shall we?"
Originally Posted by Worried0810 
I've seen him drink
The thing is - I can't actually put up with it anymore.
Is this what my life is going to be like with him?
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
By Yourself, For Yourself.
Listen to Yourself.
[add on edit]
But I have absolutely no idea what to say to him.
If words were going to do anything, then NONE of us would be here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you're going to take those home stresses WITH you because this "vacation" is now a setup to see if he will drink or not. THAT is what your life has become about....somebody else's drinking habit. and it pervades every part of your life, including vacation.
you already know what you need to do. you just don't WANT to do it. that's ok, takes time to get from point A to point B. but please do not "wait" until something WORSE happens, like he hits you or runs over the cat or something!!!
he's gonna do what he's gonna do. you know that. so do your best to just it be what it will be and if you must go on this mission WITH him, try to make it about you.......and not him.
you already know what you need to do. you just don't WANT to do it. that's ok, takes time to get from point A to point B. but please do not "wait" until something WORSE happens, like he hits you or runs over the cat or something!!!
he's gonna do what he's gonna do. you know that. so do your best to just it be what it will be and if you must go on this mission WITH him, try to make it about you.......and not him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Healdsburg, CA
Posts: 9
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But I agree with what others have said: You can't take in anything that he says about you, especially when he's drunk. Even when he's sober, he'll blame you in ways for his drinking or other things because it's part of his denial and the way he deflects all problems and issues away from taking responsibility. So as hard as it is, the challenge is to hear what he's saying as NOT ABOUT YOU but about him. Think of it as stepping back and trying to admire his creativity in coming up with new defenses and denials. :-)
I don't mean to minimize your pain. I've spun around in the same sort of thing in a 20 year marriage. It's horrible and it wreaks havoc with your self-esteem. But it occurred to me (and I try to hold on to this) that it's not about me, and it can only hurt me if I climb into his denial and believe it's true, too.
Hugs to you.
I don't mean to minimize your pain. I've spun around in the same sort of thing in a 20 year marriage. It's horrible and it wreaks havoc with your self-esteem. But it occurred to me (and I try to hold on to this) that it's not about me, and it can only hurt me if I climb into his denial and believe it's true, too.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Norasq
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But I agree with what others have said: You can't take in anything that he says about you, especially when he's drunk. Even when he's sober, he'll blame you in ways for his drinking or other things because it's part of his denial and the way he deflects all problems and issues away from taking responsibility. So as hard as it is, the challenge is to hear what he's saying as NOT ABOUT YOU but about him. Think of it as stepping back and trying to admire his creativity in coming up with new defenses and denials. :-)
I don't mean to minimize your pain. I've spun around in the same sort of thing in a 20 year marriage. It's horrible and it wreaks havoc with your self-esteem. But it occurred to me (and I try to hold on to this) that it's not about me, and it can only hurt me if I climb into his denial and believe it's true, too.
Hugs to you.
I don't mean to minimize your pain. I've spun around in the same sort of thing in a 20 year marriage. It's horrible and it wreaks havoc with your self-esteem. But it occurred to me (and I try to hold on to this) that it's not about me, and it can only hurt me if I climb into his denial and believe it's true, too.
Hugs to you.
I used to get very hurt by the things my husband said. He literally - and he has even admitted this - tries so hard to think of exactly what to say, tries to think of what would hurt me the most! What an a55#0!@!!!
At first, it hurt SO BAD... honestly, though, now it just really doesn't, 99% of the time. Because I know he is just trying to hurt me. I know he is saying outrageous things to deflect all negative attention away from whatever dumb s#!t he is pulling at the moment. I know he is shifting blame from him to me.
In other words, rest assured he doesn't say such ridiculous and hurtful things because he really believes or means them - he is merely trying to shift the attention from him being such an a55. This is the truth.
It really is the truth.
If you understand this truth not just intellectually, but also in your heart, his power over you and his power to hurt your feelings will disappear.
Oh - and not giving a crap about him anymore will help too. I have gotten to the point with my husband where I am definitely going to leave, I just have a long road of getting everything set up ahead of me, so I don't care about his drama nearly as much as I used to.
Hugs!
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
Before I realized he's an alcoholic, my husband would gently explain to me that he used to avoid me before we started dating because he thought I had Down Syndrome, because I "have a Down Syndrome face." Recently I found a picture of me from around the time we began a relationship, a year and a half ago, and I started bawling because I was actually quite pretty. I've.packed on twenty pounds of worry weight but it is sooooo time to reclaim myself. And it's time for you too! Just by reading your.posts you know what he is and how badly he makes you feel. And believe it, it's easier to assume he's always drinking rather than worry. Be free! Love yourself first for the amazing woman you are and a good man will follow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
I'm recently out of my relationship and, like everyone else here, you're definitely not alone in how you feel. If you're not going to leave just yet, at least start going to a support group or therapist so you will have them when you do leave. If you haven't told anyone you know personality, try to tell someone so they can check in on you if you are having trouble leaving. It's the hardest decision but also the best decision. This forum helped a lot for me so post more often if you need to. Even reading other posts helps. Or go to the bookstore and browse the self help section. Hugs.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I can only speak for myself here but when I read how you are afraid of saying those words to end things, I totally understood.
My feeling is that there is such a dynamic between the Codie and the A that the thought of separation feels like cutting an arm off. It is such a perfectly enmeshed relationship built on deep seated needs for them both. You have found the other half of you that makes you feel complete. You feed into each other like an addiction and the thought of the withdrawal is scary.
I have been there a few times. Willing to put up with it all to keep what I know in place. It takes time to see the relationship for what it really is and how each person plays their part. When you realize how you fit into the equation it becomes a matter of getting rid of those patterns that got you there to begin with.
As for your holiday, well I'd rather go alone then go with an A. It's no fun being anywhere, let alone a place that's supposed to be fun and relaxing, with someone whose only agenda is finding alcohol and getting wasted.
My feeling is that there is such a dynamic between the Codie and the A that the thought of separation feels like cutting an arm off. It is such a perfectly enmeshed relationship built on deep seated needs for them both. You have found the other half of you that makes you feel complete. You feed into each other like an addiction and the thought of the withdrawal is scary.
I have been there a few times. Willing to put up with it all to keep what I know in place. It takes time to see the relationship for what it really is and how each person plays their part. When you realize how you fit into the equation it becomes a matter of getting rid of those patterns that got you there to begin with.
As for your holiday, well I'd rather go alone then go with an A. It's no fun being anywhere, let alone a place that's supposed to be fun and relaxing, with someone whose only agenda is finding alcohol and getting wasted.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by missboots
Before I realized he's an alcoholic, my husband would gently explain to me that he used to avoid me before we started dating because he thought I had Down Syndrome, because I "have a Down Syndrome face." Recently I found a picture of me from around the time we began a relationship, a year and a half ago, and I started bawling because I was actually quite pretty. I've.packed on twenty pounds of worry weight but it is sooooo time to reclaim myself. And it's time for you too! Just by reading your.posts you know what he is and how badly he makes you feel. And believe it, it's easier to assume he's always drinking rather than worry. Be free! Love yourself first for the amazing woman you are and a good man will follow.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi there,
From where you said, "believe it, it's easier to assume he's drinking... " until the end of that section of your post .,,it has just gotten me through a tough day. So glad for you & your post. All the best to you. Huge hugs to you. That's what I meant to quote- I'm still trying to Learn how to quote & post.
From where you said, "believe it, it's easier to assume he's drinking... " until the end of that section of your post .,,it has just gotten me through a tough day. So glad for you & your post. All the best to you. Huge hugs to you. That's what I meant to quote- I'm still trying to Learn how to quote & post.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
