family doing better
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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family doing better
Well it's been a little while now and it appears my husband is back to being sober. With the anabuse he can't physically drink and I hold the ativan and only give him one when needed. The dr. gave him 2 refills when I wish he was required to see her every month. Weather this is controlling or not I feel better and it seems to be working. My kids are much more relaxed now that there dad is sober. My son admitted to me that he has tried alcohol, in addiction, pot but didn't like it and got sick. In my husbands case I think he needs his mental health under control to find sobriety.
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what about you maggies? how are you doing? have you done something for yourself today that did not include the alcoholic in your life?
I used to monitor my hubbies recovery attempts, giving him his meds that were in my safekeeping, making my whole life about the expectations of his recovery. I had calendars, charts, graphs, literature out the wazoooo, dates, times and places for all the meetings he needed to attend. I even kept track of the subject of the meeting, if I could. it all made me even sicker than I already was.
I hope you are taking care of your own recovery. someone once told me in an al-anon meeting when I showed her my plan for his recovery.......hands off the alcoholic!!!!!
you and your family will be in my thoughts.
pls, keep posting and sharing. sharing here and going to al-anon truly saved my life.
I used to monitor my hubbies recovery attempts, giving him his meds that were in my safekeeping, making my whole life about the expectations of his recovery. I had calendars, charts, graphs, literature out the wazoooo, dates, times and places for all the meetings he needed to attend. I even kept track of the subject of the meeting, if I could. it all made me even sicker than I already was.
I hope you are taking care of your own recovery. someone once told me in an al-anon meeting when I showed her my plan for his recovery.......hands off the alcoholic!!!!!
you and your family will be in my thoughts.
pls, keep posting and sharing. sharing here and going to al-anon truly saved my life.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
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I totally understand your position, maggies. just remember to be very kind to yourself, too. in al-anon, we learned about the 3 C'S........we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. I tried desperately for years to prove them wrong in this teaching.
I hope you will keep sharing with us. we all need each other.
I hope you will keep sharing with us. we all need each other.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hi maggies,
I'm glad to hear that things are peaceful in your home right now. I hope it continues.
If you do a search on these forums for antabuse, you will see that some folks have decided (sadly for them) to drink while taking the medicine. I have no idea what that's like, but I understand the result is horrendous.
I am sorry to hear that you are now the dispenser of medications. The only experience I have had of a similar nature was dispensing cigarettes to my now ex-husband when he was trying to cut down or quit. I hated being put in that position, and when he wanted one 'off schedule' and I said no (per our agreement), his behavior and language was angry and abusive. But for some reason, I felt it was my responsibility to be the 'cigarette warden' for him.
Sending prayers and best wishes!
I'm glad to hear that things are peaceful in your home right now. I hope it continues.
If you do a search on these forums for antabuse, you will see that some folks have decided (sadly for them) to drink while taking the medicine. I have no idea what that's like, but I understand the result is horrendous.
I am sorry to hear that you are now the dispenser of medications. The only experience I have had of a similar nature was dispensing cigarettes to my now ex-husband when he was trying to cut down or quit. I hated being put in that position, and when he wanted one 'off schedule' and I said no (per our agreement), his behavior and language was angry and abusive. But for some reason, I felt it was my responsibility to be the 'cigarette warden' for him.
Sending prayers and best wishes!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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seren, I am a control freak even outside of my husband. I suppose it is who I am. I feel like my husband is taking steps to recover. I am more confident in this plan then him going to his 11th or 12th rehab.
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I can state that my ex drank whilst on antabuse. He was lucky that his body coped quite well with the reaction and he was ok. It is NOT a magic bullet.
The way his doctor explained it, it is a three fold treatment.
1. The knowledge of the danger of drinking and taking the tablet is a deterrent for early recovery when relapse is common.
2. It takes a few days to clear out of the body so choosing to stop taking it still gives a couple of days to recognise the danger of relapse and to mentally get back on the wagon.
3. The mental exercise of remembering and choosing to take the tablet each morning is teaching the brain to consciously make the decision not to drink. This helps recovery become a habit of positive choices.
By taking control away from your husband, you are sabotaging his early recovery. It's as simple as that. You are taking away his learning to make the active choice every morning. You are preventing him from being able to recognise when he is choosing not to take it and thus to be able to regain his mental control.
By taking his choices away from him, you are reinforcing the dangerous thinking that he has to rely on a substance and other people. Can you see how this is reinforcing addictive thinking? The point of these tablets is that they are a tool to help change thought processes. Your controlling is making the chance of relapse MUCH more likely!
Also, for your children. I know from my own experience that they are learning from your example to either lose themselves in controlling other people or they are learning that it is their future partners job to fix them. Neither lesson is healthy.
Finally, and I know all of this is hard to hear, your saying that being a control freak is just who you are, is not a reason to carry on. No more than it is when an addict says it about their behaviour. You say it makes you feel better, but so does abusing a substance for an addict. It is exactly the same thinking. No matter how good it makes you feel, your actions are damaging your husband and your children just as much as his actions damage you.
I really truly hope that you can find your own recovery from your addiction to control and that your husband can use his tools to find his own recovery successfully. But I fear that for as long as you take those tools from him, that recovery will be delayed.
The way his doctor explained it, it is a three fold treatment.
1. The knowledge of the danger of drinking and taking the tablet is a deterrent for early recovery when relapse is common.
2. It takes a few days to clear out of the body so choosing to stop taking it still gives a couple of days to recognise the danger of relapse and to mentally get back on the wagon.
3. The mental exercise of remembering and choosing to take the tablet each morning is teaching the brain to consciously make the decision not to drink. This helps recovery become a habit of positive choices.
By taking control away from your husband, you are sabotaging his early recovery. It's as simple as that. You are taking away his learning to make the active choice every morning. You are preventing him from being able to recognise when he is choosing not to take it and thus to be able to regain his mental control.
By taking his choices away from him, you are reinforcing the dangerous thinking that he has to rely on a substance and other people. Can you see how this is reinforcing addictive thinking? The point of these tablets is that they are a tool to help change thought processes. Your controlling is making the chance of relapse MUCH more likely!
Also, for your children. I know from my own experience that they are learning from your example to either lose themselves in controlling other people or they are learning that it is their future partners job to fix them. Neither lesson is healthy.
Finally, and I know all of this is hard to hear, your saying that being a control freak is just who you are, is not a reason to carry on. No more than it is when an addict says it about their behaviour. You say it makes you feel better, but so does abusing a substance for an addict. It is exactly the same thinking. No matter how good it makes you feel, your actions are damaging your husband and your children just as much as his actions damage you.
I really truly hope that you can find your own recovery from your addiction to control and that your husband can use his tools to find his own recovery successfully. But I fear that for as long as you take those tools from him, that recovery will be delayed.
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shil, the Dr. explained to me that most people are not prescribed a high enough dose. The proper dose will stay in the system for 1-2 weeks after they stop taking it. My husband is terrified of taking it. One of his drinking buddies nearly had a stroke in the bar when he drank on it.
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maggies, I became a control freak during my marriage with XAH, too. still have some residual streaks of it....have to work constantly on myself to keep me aware of it and keep it at a bay. I understand how it happens to us. sometimes, it's all we have left as a coping skill in a very difficult situation. although, in the end, it certainly didn't help me, I could feel like I had some sort of control since I had no control over the entire situation.
did you do anything just for you today?
did you do anything just for you today?
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Maggies--I am glad to hear that your husband is doing better. Please continue to hang in here! Continue to read and learn all that you can. knowledge is power.
I can remember my grandmother telling me a gazillion times when I was puzzled about how certain things would turn out--"Time will tell--time reveals all things". LOL..I have learned that she was right...
dandylion
I can remember my grandmother telling me a gazillion times when I was puzzled about how certain things would turn out--"Time will tell--time reveals all things". LOL..I have learned that she was right...
dandylion
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I remember the extraordinary stress I felt when I believed that I was the only person who could 'keep all the plates in the air' in my first marriage. I felt like if I didn't stay on top of everything, the whole world would fall apart. Finances, yard work, everything! It was completely and utterly exhausting....and I treated my husband like he was a child.
I told my husband what to do and when and how to do it. And you know what? He had an affair, moved out, and divorced me. Now don't misunderstand me....he was absolutely wrong to have an affair. It is the most intimate and horrendous form of betrayal there is. But he just couldn't talk to me about how I was making him feel. I, too, couldn't talk to him about the things I felt were truly wrong between us.
It took therapy and time for me to dig my way out of that miserable hole. I am married to a lovely man now. We talk and treat each other like competent grown ups. Life can be peaceful and joy-filled
I told my husband what to do and when and how to do it. And you know what? He had an affair, moved out, and divorced me. Now don't misunderstand me....he was absolutely wrong to have an affair. It is the most intimate and horrendous form of betrayal there is. But he just couldn't talk to me about how I was making him feel. I, too, couldn't talk to him about the things I felt were truly wrong between us.
It took therapy and time for me to dig my way out of that miserable hole. I am married to a lovely man now. We talk and treat each other like competent grown ups. Life can be peaceful and joy-filled
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seren, I have always been the one to keep the house going. Except for the biggest one and that is income. My husband makes good money and we have good insurance. They told my husband the last time they were done with the rehabs. I do read a lot of people here have such high hopes that a 28 day rehab will transform their partner. I know the recovery stats. This medication approach has worked in the past and I have no regrets about forcing him to take antabuse.
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This medication approach has worked in the past and I have no regrets about forcing him to take antabuse.
Maggies....I dont mean this to sound snarky. Just want to point out that had the "medicine worked" you would not be going thru this. The Antabuse is an aid or bridge so to speak.... If your husband doesnt have the willingness and the true want, to follow thru and change his life and engage in some other help to find true recovery, he will not remain sober. I know you have high hopes... And I get that. Good luck.
Maggies....I dont mean this to sound snarky. Just want to point out that had the "medicine worked" you would not be going thru this. The Antabuse is an aid or bridge so to speak.... If your husband doesnt have the willingness and the true want, to follow thru and change his life and engage in some other help to find true recovery, he will not remain sober. I know you have high hopes... And I get that. Good luck.
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sobriety is a personal journey. no one can control it for them. an old saying pops into mind....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
I have spent lots of time around RA's and for the most part, they are some of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. the ones who I know, continually work their program, attend aa meetings, and have had a huge psyche change in their thinking. it all comes from within themselves.
they will be the first to tell us that no one, repeat....no one, could have ever led them to sobriety except themselves. they will also be the first to tell us that altho we had tried to make sobriety work for them, this journey belongs to them....not us.
they will also tell us that if we want to help, we need to get help for ourselves first, and let them do what they need to do to gain sobriety.
i respect that.
i hope you keep sharing, maggies. i understand. we understand.
I have spent lots of time around RA's and for the most part, they are some of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. the ones who I know, continually work their program, attend aa meetings, and have had a huge psyche change in their thinking. it all comes from within themselves.
they will be the first to tell us that no one, repeat....no one, could have ever led them to sobriety except themselves. they will also be the first to tell us that altho we had tried to make sobriety work for them, this journey belongs to them....not us.
they will also tell us that if we want to help, we need to get help for ourselves first, and let them do what they need to do to gain sobriety.
i respect that.
i hope you keep sharing, maggies. i understand. we understand.
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Embraced2000 brings up a very interesting point. I, too, have had a number of very meaningful conversations with RA's, and have always been told the exact same thing. No one could have led them to sobriety except themselves. One of these RA's is one of my closest friends, and in fact, was my roommate while she was an active alcoholic. She's been sober for many, many years now. We were laughing as we recalled all of the "wise" and "insightful" things that I would say to her to try and convince her to stop drinking. There were enough to fill volumes. None of them had any effect. She had to find her own way.
Of course I was supportive. But I followed her lead.
Hearing the stories that RA's have to tell has been a real help in my own recovery. I actually started coming to SR for that purpose. I wonder if anyone else has had the same experience.
Thanks for sharing, Maggies. You sound like an amazingly strong person. I would love to have someone like you in my corner.
Of course I was supportive. But I followed her lead.
Hearing the stories that RA's have to tell has been a real help in my own recovery. I actually started coming to SR for that purpose. I wonder if anyone else has had the same experience.
Thanks for sharing, Maggies. You sound like an amazingly strong person. I would love to have someone like you in my corner.
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Maggies, like me, like many others, you are going to keep doing what you think is best, although I suspect that deep down you still fear the worse. It's what we know, it's what we feel comfortable with. Control is a hard behavior, an addiction, to stop.
I would read over and over.....the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I was insane!! I has become as sick as my husband. It wasn't until I starting working on myself that I finally understood that saying. I mean really understand it.
My husband used Naltroxone. I prayed it was the answer. He stayed clean and sober for a while. Our life became "wonderful" again until......he made a conscious decision to stop taking it. The roller coaster had started back up and I willingly took me usual front row seat. For him, not all, but for him Naltroxone was just a band aid for a broken leg. He never really found healing. It was just a temporary solution that eased MY anxiety and fears. How sad, it was really all about me!!
It wasn't until I had enough that I could make any changes. No one could push me there. I assumed I knew what was best although all the evidence I did not was in my face daily. I was going to do it my way and no one could tell me differently.
I was the captain of my own Titantic. The ship went down and I was still the last one to leave it. Then I sat and wondered what the heck happened to my life. How did I get where I was. But you see maggies, I knew the truth. I hated it but I knew it.
I didn't take a pill or a drink yet I lost everything trying to control or fix someone else's problem and not fixing my own. My own addiction, stubbornness, and ego brought me to my bottom because I did not have the courage to make the changes I KNEW I needed to. I was afraid and because he was the "bread winner" I needed him to support us financially. Eventually, as his addiction progressed, the quality of our lifestyle began to decline more and more.
But it wasn't until I hit my own bottom that I had no choice to start changing. I had the strength all along, I just didn't realize it because I was so focused on him.
I hope you take the suggestion to read Codependent No More when you are ready. It was so eye opening for me and others. I pray that you find the courage to change before things get worse because with untreated addiction, they always do.
Maggies, we know our husbands our sick! We know why they do what they do. The tough question and challenge for me was, why was I?? You see, he wasn't really the problem, I was!!
I would read over and over.....the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I was insane!! I has become as sick as my husband. It wasn't until I starting working on myself that I finally understood that saying. I mean really understand it.
My husband used Naltroxone. I prayed it was the answer. He stayed clean and sober for a while. Our life became "wonderful" again until......he made a conscious decision to stop taking it. The roller coaster had started back up and I willingly took me usual front row seat. For him, not all, but for him Naltroxone was just a band aid for a broken leg. He never really found healing. It was just a temporary solution that eased MY anxiety and fears. How sad, it was really all about me!!
It wasn't until I had enough that I could make any changes. No one could push me there. I assumed I knew what was best although all the evidence I did not was in my face daily. I was going to do it my way and no one could tell me differently.
I was the captain of my own Titantic. The ship went down and I was still the last one to leave it. Then I sat and wondered what the heck happened to my life. How did I get where I was. But you see maggies, I knew the truth. I hated it but I knew it.
I didn't take a pill or a drink yet I lost everything trying to control or fix someone else's problem and not fixing my own. My own addiction, stubbornness, and ego brought me to my bottom because I did not have the courage to make the changes I KNEW I needed to. I was afraid and because he was the "bread winner" I needed him to support us financially. Eventually, as his addiction progressed, the quality of our lifestyle began to decline more and more.
But it wasn't until I hit my own bottom that I had no choice to start changing. I had the strength all along, I just didn't realize it because I was so focused on him.
I hope you take the suggestion to read Codependent No More when you are ready. It was so eye opening for me and others. I pray that you find the courage to change before things get worse because with untreated addiction, they always do.
Maggies, we know our husbands our sick! We know why they do what they do. The tough question and challenge for me was, why was I?? You see, he wasn't really the problem, I was!!
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Maggies, I understand you are doing the best you can and using the tool you have had best results with. I think the subject of trying to orchestrate someone else's recovery has been discussed thoroughly, I don't need to chime in there, and, I don't know anything about it, anyway.
The only experience I have to offer is the orchestration of my own recovery.
What I would advise: avoid building your whole program around that little pill, because quite simply, it isn't enough.
My definition of recovery is not "stop drinking". Because it's not enough, it is not just the drinking that is the problem, it is why the alcoholic drinks.
I think recovery is: completely changing my attitude about myself, the people around me and the world I live in.
There are outpatient programs, addictions therapists and there is AA as well as non-faith based programs that will show him exactly how he can do that.
At some point, if he ever decides he actually wants recovery, all that stuff is there. If he wants it, he can only take that step himself, and go the distance, by himself. It's an inside job.
The only experience I have to offer is the orchestration of my own recovery.
What I would advise: avoid building your whole program around that little pill, because quite simply, it isn't enough.
My definition of recovery is not "stop drinking". Because it's not enough, it is not just the drinking that is the problem, it is why the alcoholic drinks.
I think recovery is: completely changing my attitude about myself, the people around me and the world I live in.
There are outpatient programs, addictions therapists and there is AA as well as non-faith based programs that will show him exactly how he can do that.
At some point, if he ever decides he actually wants recovery, all that stuff is there. If he wants it, he can only take that step himself, and go the distance, by himself. It's an inside job.
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fish, he has been in and out of rehabs for years. They don't seem to work for him. My husband recently has been lecturing my son about the dangers of smoking pot. My oldest son has lost a lot of respect for his dad due to the all day drinking and showing up to school events loaded. I have been to the family program at one of his rehabs and found it too be unrealistic.
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Originally Posted by maggies 
I have been to the family program at one of his rehabs and found it too be unrealistic.
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I hope very much that your husband will someday find something that works for him. Be it church, Rational Recovery, AA, Celebrate Recovery, SMART, or individual counseling with someone who specializes in addiction.
Many, many alcoholics fail at rehab...over and over again. The reason? They simply aren't ready to stop drinking for the rest of their lives.
Someday I hope my stepson finds some program that he really 'clicks' with. I don't care what it is as long as he works it and it works for him. From what I understand, the program itself is not as important as the internal motivation.
Many, many alcoholics fail at rehab...over and over again. The reason? They simply aren't ready to stop drinking for the rest of their lives.
Someday I hope my stepson finds some program that he really 'clicks' with. I don't care what it is as long as he works it and it works for him. From what I understand, the program itself is not as important as the internal motivation.
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