butterfly2013

Hi everyone,

A few hours ago, my son's dad (my XABF) picked up my 4 year old son for his supervised overnight visitation (he is with him from Saturday 10AM until Sunday 4PM).

When I went out to meet my XABF at his car with his wife (who is the court appointed supervisor) to drop my son off with them, I noticed that two of the wife's friends were in the car with them. I have never met them before, but my stomach sank when I recognized these two friends from many Facebook photos which showed the wife and these two friends partying and drinking together quite often. (After I submitted their Facebook photos to the court for evidence at our last hearing, my XABF and his wife have since deleted their FB accounts.)

I was caught off guard since my XABF did not tell me that he would have his wife's out of town friends staying overnight with him, which means my son will be around these party happy strangers I do not know. As far as I know, he is still an active addict and I do not trust him or his codependent wife (his wife has previously insisted that my actively drinking ex helped her with her drinking problem and she insisted that she understands alcoholism because her dad is an alcoholic and she "just knows" that he won't drink---even though after that conversation there were multiple FB pics which showed them drinking alcohol together).

When I was walking up to the car, I asked who the two friends were but he just brushed me off. A few minutes later, he called and asked if our son had eaten breakfast and I told him yes, he had. I then asked if he could please let me know ahead of time when he has out-of-town visitors, especially ones who I have never met before, staying with him during overnight visitation. I said our son should not be around people who are partying and drinking. He claimed he doesn't drink anymore (I have heard that line about 10,000 times from him) and he said it's not my business and that he doesn't have to tell me and he hung up on me.

After that, I think I had a panic attack. I was crying and pacing and I was trying to force myself to take long, deep breaths. I know, legally, I have done all that I could do for my son in terms of court ordered supervised visitation with orders for my XABF not to consume alcohol before or during visitation. I have been going to counseling, reading Al Anon lit, getting support from family and friends and concentrating on school. I'm doing what I can but this interaction seemed to trigger all this anxiety about what happens when my son with with my XABF.

It doesn't help that, maybe three weeks ago, that my son and I were watching a moving and he points to a beer can and says, "Dad!" Or a month ago when my ex dropped him off and I could smell beer on his breath. However, in the eyes of the court, I know that isn't smoking gun evidence. At the last hearing, the judge extended his daytime visitation to overnight visitation because I could not prove he drank *during* visitation, even though he was actively posting numerous FB pics of himself drinking. As we know here, alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking, although this judge onviously thinks that is true.

I hate feeling out of control, but I just need to trust and believe that things will be okay. But at the same time, during my panic attack, I was thinking of the worst case scenario where the wife and these two friends will get crazy partying on a Saturday night and be around my child.

I need to let go of this stinking thinking, this "what if," i know it's just harming me but I still feel sad about it.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Thoughts?

AnvilheadII

I just wanted to offer support and sympathy for your situation.

butterfly2013

Thanks, Anvilhead, I truly appreciate your support.

NYCDoglvr

Sorry you had such a painful reaction. It takes practice to stop projecting but you're on the right track. Good luck.

AnvilheadII

believe it or not, for ONCE I don't have a single bit of "wisdom (haha)" to offer. you've done your due diligence with the courts, you've put your child's health and safety first and foremost. I guess at least the ex does appear to WANT to have his visitation time....maybe in time that will pay off. i don't know.

what i don't get is after being "granted" longer visitation time, including an overnight, why he doesn't make that time as precious and holy as it should be??? you can have friends over anytime...shaking head.

we're here for you and with you. hang in there sweetheart.

butterfly2013

Thanks, NYCDoglvr and Anvilhead. Anvilhead, you hit the nail on the head, these friends could have stayed over at any other time or a weekend when my ex didn't have visitation. For what it's worth, my ex and the wife don't have any other kids and most of their other friends don't either, including these two (they are in their late twenties). So I'm assuming thats why (at least judging from the FB pics that I saw) they like to party and drink it up.

Who knows, though? I hate NOT knowing what's really happening. As they say, more will be revealed. This charade cannot continue forever---especially considering the fact that my ex said he only married his wife "as a favor" for her to get her Green Card AND that he has expressed his anger and his desire to physically abuse his wife to his family members. Things *appear* to be fine when they pick up/drop off, but I know there will be a point where everything will collapse and my ex won't be able to cover his tracks anymore. I just hope my precious son isn't caught in the crosshairs.

BUT I cannot focus on that, I need to take things one day at a time and continue focusing on me and my son because that's all that really matters in the end. I am trying my best!

lillamy

Unfortunately, that's true. He doesn't have to tell you a thing. And I've been there. I've gotten phone calls from my kids when they were with their dad and he was sleeping at 8 pm on a Saturday night and the youngest was awake alone and scared. My kids were older and had cellphones, and that might not be an option for your son yet, but I thought I'd share what we did anyway.

There were so many times I wanted to ask "so has he been drinking?" -- because I knew that if I could get the police to come to his house and find him drunk, that would be the end of him sharing custody.

BUT -- and this is a big but -- I went over this with our counselor (the kids and I saw the same one) and her advice was to NOT put the kids in the situation where I "enlisted them to spy" on their father.

Here's what we did instead: She went over with the kids what "normal" was -- dad is not drinking and you're doing stuff together. Then she went over what an EMERGENCY was -- an emergency is if the house is on fire, or your dad has been drinking and wants you to get in the car with him -- and then talked about what you do then. (You run to the neighbor and ask them to call the police.)

Then she asked them "are there times that are NOT normal and NOT an emergency?" and the kids said yes, there were times when they were feeling uncomfortable with something at dad's house (he had friends over and they were drinking, or he was sleeping and they were scared). She instructed them that when that happens, go to a separate room and text or call Mom, and tell her what's going on. And then you've done what you can -- and Mom will take it from there.

She said it was important that the kids feel like they could leave the decision making in the hands of an adult -- that even if they felt uncomfortable or unsafe, there was an adult they could contact, who would decide what needed to be done. And it worked for them -- it must have been 20-30 times they'd text or call me and I'd talk to them, and that was all they needed. When there was a situation that made me concerned about their safety, I'd call the police. But mostly, the "judging whether it's an emergency or not" and calling -- that was for the kids, to help them feel like they weren't alone and unprotected.

I can honestly tell you that sending the kids over to his house knowing he would be drinking was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I don't know if you could get your son one of those simple phones (my kids used to have a phone called "firefly" that had numbers preprogrammed, so they could push one button and call me) so that he can call you if he wants to. Your ex may even be OK with that if you present it as "so that he can call you in-between visits, and be in contact with us both whenever he wants to"?

I think the way you're thinking about it is wise, though. You have done what the courts are asking of you (stupid courts as they are, prioritizing the wants of parents over what's best for the kids) and the rest, you're just going to have to leave in the hands of whatever power you put the Universe in the hands of.

And I also think you are right about things falling apart eventually. The fact that he doesn't prioritize being with his son when he has visitation says a lot. And I wouldn't be surprised if you find, like I did, that down the line, he will tell you "this weekend is not convenient" and that the visitations simply drop off to the point where you can establish that he's no longer interested and you can get visitations removed...

It's incredibly painful and hard to try to "co-parent" with an addict. But you're doing everything you can. (((hugs)))

redatlanta

Offering hugs I don't have any advice. Its sucks. ((((((hugs)))))))

butterfly2013

Redatlanta, thank you very much for the kind words!

Lillamy, wow, thank you! Although this situaton is very difficult, I know that I'm not alone in this struggle. Thank you for sharing your experience and tips.

My little one is only 4 years old so he doesn't know how to use a cellphone yet. That's what scares me most about the situation, that there probably isn't a non-addict around him who could help if an emergency came up while he is with my ex and his wife (and whoever else they bring around him). Yes, the only thing I can do now is to give this over to my HP. In the meantime, I know my son is growing older and more articulate each and every day and soon he will be able to call me and let me know what's going on, but, like you said, Lillamy, not in a sneaky or spying way. Again, thank you so much, the "uncomfortable but not emergency" helps ease my mind a little bit, because my brain tends to jump to OH MY GOD WHAT IF THE WORST CASE SCENARIO COMES TRUE?!??!! And then that doesn't do me any good at all.

I'm still working on me, though, and trying to work through my own issues and anxiety, but I do believe I have come a long way from before.

Thanks once again, SR!!