First month
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
First month
It's one month today since my AH husband left me to do what he wants when he wants in other words to drink without the feelings of guilt. I have went through periods of anger frustration and mostly being in the depths of despair constantly crying! I miss him more and more each day and continue to struggle with understanding why alcohol is more important to him than his wife and kids. I have so many questions and wanting to know why and thinking what if. I am slowly very slowly realising that the whys and what ifs don't matter but what has happened and getting through each day. He has made it clear that he wants to drink and by that virtue he doesn't want help or to fight for his family.....living without alcohol is more important to him than living without me and the kids. He tells me he loves me he misses me and there will never be anyone else for him but there has always been something else for him...alcohol it has tore our marriage apart destroyed any trust and feelings of security and love. For years I listened to his words and every time thought he will stop drinking this time he says I'm too important to him to lose and doesn't want to be without me! His actions always told a different story but I didn't want to acknowledge his actions I made excuses blamed myself and still do sometimes I wasn't good enough didn't deserve to be happy or loved I caused him to drink and ultimately leave because I made him unhappy. While I still feel these at times I have days where I know this is not down to me the alcohol consumes his every thought and decision it's always about how and where he can drink but it is his choice as to whether he seeks help and at this time he doesn't want to. I can't force him into recovery and get him to see what he has lost.
I am meeting with him tonight to talk. I don't think actually I know I won't get the answers I need or want so why am I meeting him? Because I miss him and miss the sober husband I love and so desperately want home but it's the alcoholic husband that I have and until he seeks help this is what I will always have even though he has left. He still has the ability to hook me back in with his loving words and feelings of guilt and being sorry for what he has done but they are obviously not enough for him to want to change. So I have to begin the recovery of me and my kids learn who I am without him and who I want to be. I need to figure out what my new hopes and dreams are as they have been tied up with his and our thoughts of what our future was going to be
I have to figure out my own future......baby steps one minute at a time
I am meeting with him tonight to talk. I don't think actually I know I won't get the answers I need or want so why am I meeting him? Because I miss him and miss the sober husband I love and so desperately want home but it's the alcoholic husband that I have and until he seeks help this is what I will always have even though he has left. He still has the ability to hook me back in with his loving words and feelings of guilt and being sorry for what he has done but they are obviously not enough for him to want to change. So I have to begin the recovery of me and my kids learn who I am without him and who I want to be. I need to figure out what my new hopes and dreams are as they have been tied up with his and our thoughts of what our future was going to be
I have to figure out my own future......baby steps one minute at a time
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
So why are you meeting him? What is it you expect him to say that's different? He's made it clear he's going to drink. We become as addicted to the A, as they do to alcohol. Seeing them just one more time is no different than the A thinking they want just one more drink. You've got a wound right now, and each time you see him again it's like ripping a scab off that wound.
How about finding an AlAnon meeting this evening instead? Do something that would be a step towards getting healthy, instead of causing you more emotional pain?
How about finding an AlAnon meeting this evening instead? Do something that would be a step towards getting healthy, instead of causing you more emotional pain?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Yes, this ^^^^^.
It seems you're just repeating the same actions and, not surprisingly, getting the same results. You have the power to break the cycle and change the results.
Like they say, let go or be dragged.
You are letting yourself be dragged, and it isn't all that good, is it? Try letting go now...
It seems you're just repeating the same actions and, not surprisingly, getting the same results. You have the power to break the cycle and change the results.
Like they say, let go or be dragged.
You are letting yourself be dragged, and it isn't all that good, is it? Try letting go now...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You don't have to do this to yourself. He's not the man you fell in love with and new contact will bring new pain. What helped me was limiting contact to talking about kids and nothing else and letting time work to heal my pain. A month is a drop in the bucket. You need more time and distance to let your grief heal.
Hugs and strength. You're getting better every day.
Hugs and strength. You're getting better every day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I could have written your post. I think I might have... 
Everything youre feeling is warranted. But save yourself some grief and stop the "talking". If he wants to make changes, he will show you through his actions. You have to take care of yourself right now, self preservation!
Everything youre feeling is warranted. But save yourself some grief and stop the "talking". If he wants to make changes, he will show you through his actions. You have to take care of yourself right now, self preservation!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I am addicted to him you are right I suppose I hope that if I keep talking to him he will see what he is doing and get help. But he didn't and yes I left feeling that I was back to square one I keep picking at the scab of my wound. I miss him or maybe it's the idea of him of what could have been I don't know I just know I am very lonely and deeply hurt by his actions! There are days like today that I don't think I can get through this!!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi confused, I'm sorry you are in such pain. It is sooooo frustrating when we know that this person we love could be so much more. I thought of this thread and hope that maybe it will help.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Originally Posted by spring
Potential
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I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago.
I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."
WOW. That one paragraph changed my WHOLE life. I have been divorced from him for ten years and he is still, as of yet, hasn't become the person "I knew he could be."
Just wanted to share that. Peace.
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I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago.
I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."
WOW. That one paragraph changed my WHOLE life. I have been divorced from him for ten years and he is still, as of yet, hasn't become the person "I knew he could be."
Just wanted to share that. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
I too am sorry you are hurting. It is hard to think about what was and what you know they can be. I love Seren' link it's so true.
One of the things that's helped me is to really try not to think about it. I remind myself of the rotten things he has said and done. I even made a list of the lies and actions that have destroyed our marriage. Yes I miss what used to be, what he used to be terribly but that's not reality anymore unfortunately. I try to stay focused on the present day. I know it's hard, I really do, I feel your pain. Keep getting support, it helps. As more time passes I also see that those times I miss, the person I miss - there wasn't as much of that as I thought there was. The bad starts outweighing the good.
One of the things that's helped me is to really try not to think about it. I remind myself of the rotten things he has said and done. I even made a list of the lies and actions that have destroyed our marriage. Yes I miss what used to be, what he used to be terribly but that's not reality anymore unfortunately. I try to stay focused on the present day. I know it's hard, I really do, I feel your pain. Keep getting support, it helps. As more time passes I also see that those times I miss, the person I miss - there wasn't as much of that as I thought there was. The bad starts outweighing the good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Confused, one of the really resonating things I have read here on SR is the notion that we cannot begin the recovery process in earnest until we stop looking to the ones who hurt us to be the ones to heal us. Being alone does not have to equal being lonely. When I learned to love, value and respect myself, I stopped experiencing intense and painful loneliness. I would rather be without a romantic relationship for the rest of my days than be with anyone who remains mired in their own addiction, sowing pain and chaos for everyone who cares for them.
You get one precious life. Sending you strength and courage to embrace yours no matter what he is or isn't doing.
You get one precious life. Sending you strength and courage to embrace yours no matter what he is or isn't doing.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
The difficulty I have is that he was an alcoholic and drug addict when I met him but didn't realise I thought it was recreational and didn't understand. As the years progressed I realised he had addiction problems but I was so in love with the sweet loving man he was when he was sober. We had good times when he was sober and periods when he gave drink up but these were short periods. 18years later I'm still here wanting him to seek help. I think the difficulty for me is letting go and I still hope he will realise the kids and I are too important. I have trouble not making contact with him and it infuriates me when he doesn't reply to my text messages and he just ignores me which makes me text more I am obsessive at times and I don't know how to stay away from him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Confused,
I say this as gently as possible: "He has shown you who he is, believe him."
He is an active alcoholic with no regard for his family because the alcohol has a stronger hold. Does it make sense to us who are not alcoholics? No, of course not.
But it is what it is.
No amount of begging, pleading, arguing, discussing, blaming, or crying is going to affect his behavior unless and until HE decides he is done. It does not sound like he is done yet to me.
Your feelings are very strong, and I understand that. But they are yours, not his. I wish I could wave a magic wand like your fairy godmother and make this turn out the way you want it to, but I can't. No one can.
Addiction, to whatever it is, is a brutal and hard to understand. It devours entire families if we let it. You may not have seen this post yet. It was written some time ago by one of the founding members of SoberRecovery. It is brutally honest and was very hard for me to read at first, but I hope you may get something from it today.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
I say this as gently as possible: "He has shown you who he is, believe him."
He is an active alcoholic with no regard for his family because the alcohol has a stronger hold. Does it make sense to us who are not alcoholics? No, of course not.
But it is what it is.
No amount of begging, pleading, arguing, discussing, blaming, or crying is going to affect his behavior unless and until HE decides he is done. It does not sound like he is done yet to me.
Your feelings are very strong, and I understand that. But they are yours, not his. I wish I could wave a magic wand like your fairy godmother and make this turn out the way you want it to, but I can't. No one can.
Addiction, to whatever it is, is a brutal and hard to understand. It devours entire families if we let it. You may not have seen this post yet. It was written some time ago by one of the founding members of SoberRecovery. It is brutally honest and was very hard for me to read at first, but I hope you may get something from it today.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I struggle to believe that we were together 18 years and he never loved me!! maybe it's that I don't want to admit that I thought so little of myself that I was prepared to put up with anything so I wouldn't be alone because I didn't/don't think I deserve better. There were many times I worried that he didn't love me I thought if he did why would he keep putting me through this again and again it was easier to believe what he told me I desperately wanted to believe he loved me! I don't know what to believe anymore!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Confused....I don't think he never loved you. I don't think that at all!
Alcoholism is just the mistress with which we cannot compete. If and when your husband wants to end his relationship with alcohol, he will. The sad part is that until then, acceptance of the reality of the situation is about all we have.
Your husband is who and what he is....right now. This may be all he will ever, ever be from now on. Likely, it will get worse unless and until he decides he has a problem, until he decides to get help.
And I'm here to tell you, you do deserve better treatment. You deserve to be treated with dignity and the utmost respect.
Alcoholism is just the mistress with which we cannot compete. If and when your husband wants to end his relationship with alcohol, he will. The sad part is that until then, acceptance of the reality of the situation is about all we have.
Your husband is who and what he is....right now. This may be all he will ever, ever be from now on. Likely, it will get worse unless and until he decides he has a problem, until he decides to get help.
And I'm here to tell you, you do deserve better treatment.
You deserve to be treated with dignity and the utmost respect.
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