Wisconsin

I received an email at the very end of the business day yesterday from my ex's horrible, unethical lawyer. This is her MO...she waits until right before the close of business on the Friday before we are set for a Monday morning hearing to say she is representing him at the hearing. She plans to ask for ANOTHER continuance and oh-so-helpfully tells me that if I agree, I won't have to come to court on Monday and she will get the continuance and set up a "status hearing" for our next date (status hearings are where absolutely nothing happens, and the parties just tell the judge they are working on settlement), because she is sure we can reach an agreement on everything.

I crafted a long-winded very nasty email back to her about how there was no way in h*ll I would agree to a continuance, that I am no longer willing to negotiate on any of this because my ex has already received two months more of alimony from me than he was entitled to. Then I deleted 90% of the email, and the reply that I actually sent said only that I will be in court on Monday and that I am prepared to settle everything by agreement on Monday. Then I had a complete meltdown, and I haven't eaten or slept since.

I cannot believe this. I am on the verge of being homeless. My utilities will be shut off next week. My financial affidavit shows a $2500/month DEFICIT. My ex's financial affidavit shows that he doesn't make a car payment on the van that his parents bought him, he has $1000 in the bank, and he has $600 left over every month.

Even though my ex is not an A, my Al Anon program has been a godsend when it comes to how I react to him. And I find myself totally unable to get my emotions under control and work my program right now. I am furious. I am filled with despair. I will contest the continuance (but the judge will probably grant it anyway, because they are very common) and I will have to admit, in open court in front of everybody--my ex and total strangers--that I am nearly homeless. It is my only hope that the judge will refuse the continuance. I am operating under the assumption, though, that the judge will grant the continuance, and then I will have to fight my ex's request to have the next court date be a "status" and I will have to demand that the next court date be set as a hearing.

A year ago I was in the worst shape of my life emotionally. I felt on the verge of a total nervous breakdown. I'm starting to feel that way again...like I will never, ever be out from all of this and thus never, ever financially able to leave my AH without living in a homeless shelter.

Seren

Oh, Wisconsin....I really am speechless.

I wish I had some advice I could share, but I have never been through anything like this before myself.

I can only hope and pray that the judge will not allow a continuance.....again.

Are you being represented by an attorney as well? Can you forward all of this information to him or her for use on Monday?

Sending hugs and prayers for peace, strength, and clarity!

embraced2000

I used to wear myself totally out anticipating upcoming dates of doom in my life. Monday will come and go even if you are mess or not. try to be kind to yourself and make the choice to pass the weekend in a way that will benefit your mind and health.

my thoughts will be with you.

Wisconsin

Thanks everyone. I am not represented by an attorney; I haven't been able to afford one for four years. There is an assumption that because I practiced law for ten years that I can handle this just fine, but I was NEVER a litigator, much less a family attorney. I'm sure I know more than the average Joe, but I am basically clueless in there. If ever you need to hold someone up as an example for what can happen to a person in a pretty short period of time, I am the poster child. Seven years ago I was married (unhappily, but my husband was not an addict or abusive at all...I just didn't love him and he didn't meet my emotional needs) with two beautiful daughters and a thriving, high-paying career. Seven years later I am divorced and remarried to an A who was in recovery when we met and married, then relapsed shortly thereafter. I had to move 60 miles away from my daughters, and now see them only on the weekends (although it is every single weekend, which is good). I have a son with my current husband who is about to turn 4 and who thinks the sun rises and sets on his father, who treats me like garbage in front of him (our son). My salary is far less than half of what I used to make, and my ex-husband gets over HALF of that amount in child support (which I never, ever complain about) and alimony (which I complain vocally about). I am smart and well-educated, and on the brink of homelessness. This stuff can happen to ANYBODY.

I think my meltdown is also related to our trip to see my AH last weekend. Those visits, whether they are here or there, are always hard for me. It's always a reminder of how little regard he has for me, and how painfully obvious it is that he does not love me or want to be married to me at all. And yes, that hurts. A lot. It's a lot piling on in about a 10-day period: the weekend reminders of my AH's attitudes and feelings, the shutoff notice for my utilities, and now the email indicating that my hoped-for financial relief may very well be delayed indefinitely, even though I have at every step of the game behaved honorably and done what I needed to do to honor the financial commitment I made to my ex-husband.

We are now two months past when our settlement agreement said I would be done paying alimony. I know that my ex is trying to just drag the whole thing out so that he can collect the full alimony payment until the arrearage I owe him is paid in full (which, by the way, I pay monthly payments on the arrearage that are prescribed by LAW--it's not like there's this big chunk of money that I owe him that I'm not paying down). It is a shady use of standard legal practice to keep me and my son, and to a lesser extent my daughters, in poverty while my ex collects as much alimony (which is for HIM, not the children) as possible. I am also upset because I have asked several people to come with me on Monday for moral support, but nobody is able, including my own father.

I am upset because on a day like today I would really just like to FEEL my feelings, and work through them, and cry and be angry, yet there is no way for me to have a break from my son. I feel stretched far beyond my breaking point, and it makes me angry that I don't have an opportunity to be angry, work through it, and move past it. I also feel like my Al Anon/recovery tools are just out of reach. For some reason, I am having a very difficult time opening my Al Anon toolbox and working my program this weekend.

I'm trying to focus on the positives:

1. My AH is 700 miles away. I am grateful that I have not had to deal with him in person on a daily basis for 9 months.

2. My children are generally happy and healthy. None of them have ever suffered a major disease or hospitalization, and they are all kind, loving children.

3. Despite the sadness surrounding my AH, our trip (funded almost entirely by my father-in-law) to visit friends and relatives was a much-needed break for me.

4. I am, for the first time in a 14-year professional career, FINALLY fulfilled by my career. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I feel like what I'm doing actually matters in the world.

lizatola

Embraced has good advice, even though I know I struggle to put that into practice myself. I have no sage advice here having not been in this situation before but I know you and I know you are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. Since I am a praying woman, I will pray for you this weekend and ask that God's protection and guidance be with you as you move forward through this crap. Yeah, I know I called it crap, but that's what I think about our legal system most of the time, LOL.

Hugs and more hugs to you today!

embraced2000

when I would have these time frames of upset such as you have shared with us, I just didn't even know where to begin to be kind to myself. I was so accustomed to that feeling of anxiety in my chest, the turmoil, chaos of thoughts, feelings of being helpless and hopeless. those feelings were what I had become familiar with. those feelings were the only thing I knew to create.

sometimes, during a rough time frame, I would stockpile in my favorite foods, log onto this forum and prepare to spend my entire weekend. reading, sharing, venting, forging cyber relationships with others who knew what my life was. it was, at times, the only way to be kind to myself.

PippiLngstockng

Hi Wisconsin,

I am operating at a deficit, too. Every day has lots of magic, but I keep hoping and wondering when things will turn around distinctly so that I might finally be able to breathe again.

My advice is to stick with one day at a time and enjoy what that brings. Otherwise it is hard to advise you, because you pretty much seem to have it figured out. Patience! You are doing great!

Wisconsin

Thanks so much everyone. All the prayers, good vibes, and positive juju are very, VERY much appreciated!

I am feeling less out-of-control this evening. I was able to take a nap this afternoon when my little guy took his, and that helped. I also received a very kind gift for my son from a friend. It's amazing how stuff like that shifts your perspective--a simple reminder that not everyone in the world is a selfish a$$.

embraced2000

you seem much more serene, Wisconsin. how great is that