butterflyfree

My AH has been sober, again, for 5 weeks. This is the 3rd time in an 8 month period that he has been sober. He is doing well and this time seems different but I have been through this before... anyway, im struggling a bit with lettting go of all the damage caused by his disease. I guess I am waiting for confessions and apoligies or a discussion. But I dont want to awaken the beast so to speak (the urge that I know is already there). But it almost consumes my thoughts. Certain situations or people, etc triggers memories. I dont know if I should forgive and forget or put it out there.

embraced2000

been through this so many times with my EAH. I could have written this very same post at one time. after many false starts with his sobriety attempts, and my eagerness to make things all ok for him during these episodes, I overlooked getting help for myself. when I started healing myself from the profound effects that his addiction had on me, then life slowly began to make more sense. I had to take care of myself first. for the first time, I had to come first. no more tippy-toeing around what may or may not set him off, or what would make it easier for him. once I put myself in the spotlight, his behaviors stopped having such an impact on me. the damages were countless, hurtful, callous,cruel, and so deep that I could not deal with them on any level except to take care of myself. all things good soon followed.

FireSprite

Hey butterfly, I think a lot of us face this in early recovery. At first I kept waiting to feel relief based solely around RAH's recovery efforts & didn't realize that I was responsible for my own recovery. And to be honest, I didn't embrace the idea at first since I didn't see myself as part of the problem.

I'm glad that I came around in that thought process though because once I started working on me & my recovery I was able to detach from RAH & stop forming expectations based about his recovery. That's when my growth started & I was able to start moving forward in life again. If you sit around waiting for his apologies & explanations that may never come, you may never be satisifed with what you receive.

Do you do anything for you in the way of recovery.... therapy, Al-Anon, etc?

CodeJob

My RAH worked many steps in an accelerated fashion in rehab. I got NO amends. So today, one week from his one year sobriety date, I will vent here that I think he is a rat bastard.

BUT, I am on my own path and I see that I will owe this poor fellow an amends myself. So I am a manipulative Codie little rat wench.... I am not up to my resentments quite yet. I've made a few notes.

honeypig

butterfly, I'd like to echo what embraced and FireSprite have said. It's great that your A seems to be working towards some sort of recovery (is he in AA or some other program of recovery, or is he simply not drinking?). However, as others have said, you need to work on your own recovery in order to start feeling better.

Many of us resist the idea that we need any help or that we need to change anything. There's nothing wrong with us--we were the responsible, GOOD partner! For me, though, the important realization was that no matter what I was or was not when the relationship started, I have surely become unhealthy from the disease I've been living with and dealing with for all these years while having no proper tools or support to help me.

Have you read "Codependent No More", which is often recommended here? Have you looked into Alanon? Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Reading the stickies at the top of the page, if you haven't already done so, can help you out a lot also.

Wishing you strength and clarity to find your own path, butterfly!

embraced2000

I had more expectations from EAH during his numerous sobriety attempts than there are cowboy hats in texas. I learned I was setting myself up for disappointment, resentment, and anger. and I kept doing it over and over until I didn't do it anymore. I nurtured myself instead of expecting him to do so. altho he was unable to take care of himself at the time, I had become someone that couldn't take care of a caterpillar in a coffee can. al-anon was my life preserver.