Now the Family turned on me
 

Until I started recovery I thought our situation was unique. We are different, he is different, etc. since splitting with AH (he is moving out next week but currently not living here) he has become violent (never thought that would happen because he is different), stole from me (that wouldn't happen, he is different) and now the family has turned on me (that wouldn't happen, we are different)!

This is so hard.

I love his family so much. They are the family I never had. So caring, loving, etc. well not anymore. The visits and phone calls started rolling in. How could you do this? Marriage is a team effort and you don't bail when things get rough! You married him knowing he is an A so it's not fair to kick him out because he's an A!

This week has been rough. I never thought the family would turn on me. I am quickly seeing that NOTHING is unique about us. Everything is the same pattern I am reading in all the stories on this board.

I really don't have anything to say to them other than "I can't live with active addiction in the house and he can choose to seek recovery at any time."

I feel like I am caught in a bad dream. I see why it's so hard for people to leave. I almost want to go back to the place where everyone was happy (except me) and life was flowing. Nothing is flowing now. I know with time I will be happier but it's so hard to stand strong in this decision without real life support.

Thank you so much for listening to me. If it weren't for this board, my therapist, NA and al anon, there is NO WAY I would be making this positive change in my life.

I had an upsetting incident with my axb's mother when she turned on me. She was absolutely nasty- raging and cursing and making all kinds of ridiculous threats. I'd never seen her that way. What's worse, the way she behaved and spoke to me was an echo of her son's drunken behavior. It was scary but very eye opening. I was also devastated, because she'd always paid lip service to being on "my side." But I guess that only applied if I didn't rock the boat.
Sorry you're going through this. It really is one of the hardest parts of leaving, weathering everyone's initial reactions, when they make threats and spout nonsense and make you question your judgement. Especially those people who have a sick family system that has been in place for years. Remember they are more worried about him than you. They are scared that he is now losing his "caretaker" and are afraid of what that means for them.
What helped me was going no contact with the family, though I did have ds5 call Gramma and Grampa every Sunday. Over the course of a few months her attitude toward me did a complete 180 and the next time we spoke she was able to speak to me with respect, which I reciprocated, and we arranged for ds5 to visit them over Christmas.
Stay strong and take care. The payoff for you is really worth all the initial pain, I promise!

His family seems to be well aware that he is an A but they don’t seem to have had any real knowledge about addiction or any recovery themselves based on their reactions.

If he is now moving in with them it’s possible that as loving and caring as they have been, they don’t want him and his drinking to be up close and personal, maybe too close for their comfort. It’s always easy to support from a distance it becomes a whole other ball game when it’s right in your face.

Right now you don’t have the support from people who I’m sure you expected to get it from. Find new people!! His family is his family, blood will always be thicker than water when push comes to shove.

Think of it this way, you had a front row seat to his alcoholic show you grew tired of it and left the theater. His parents now have that front seat, so allow them to view the show for a while.

Thank you for this statement! It's so true. My AH is now living with his parents and is in deep, deep denial. He is also *very* convincing with his lies (I wholeheartedly believed him/unknowingly enabled him for nearly two years) and though the evidence of his addiction is undeniable, his parents haven't yet come to terms with the reality of the situation. But I have. I've lived it and it was horrible. He can't hold it together forever (though I think he can go quite awhile) and when it falls apart in front of their eyes, they'll see the truth. Then we can really start working together again. Until that day comes, though, I'm keeping interactions with my in-laws on pretty much the same level as my AH: conversations about our son, determining the logistics of who has him when, and reiterations that I will always be available to attend counseling when my AH requests my presence.

I know just what you mean. I thought we were different too. I too love my XAH's family and thought they would be my family no matter what. That did not happen. Blood is truly thicker than water even when they know the AH is wrong. It is sad but many times they are codependent enablers who don't know any other way.

It's hard, but you are stronger than you ever think you are. XXX

When people pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased...

Stolen quote, but also my experience.

Deep breaths and hang in there. If you need to block them and go NC with them as well, do it. It's your sanity and life on the line here; no reason to be polite.

As Ladyscribbler said "What's worse, the way she behaved and spoke to me was an echo of her son's drunken behavior."

Yep, went through that. After the worst night we ever had, where I got chased, knocked down, kicked, punched, slapped, chairs thrown at me, etc, when I called his family for help his dad actually told me if I had only paid my ex's child support and helped him make that truck payment he wouldn't be so stressed. He said had I helped then he wouldn't have gotten so upset and I wouldn't have gotten hurt. The words he said, the way he spoke...sounded just like my ex. Abusive. It absolutely hit home where this crap came from. People absolutely are a product of their environment. It was devastating....the family I, too, had come to love as my own, this family like I had never had before, turned on me in my greatest time of need, when I was hurt and afraid because he was out of control and raging. Ladyscribbler is right, I think going no contact with the "sick family system" of support would be best right now. And as Atalose said...find new people. New HEALTHY people. I'm not sure that the sort of support you need will ever come from his "sick family system". What is that that people around here say...its like looking for bread in a hardware store?

Al-Anon....that is where I might start if I were you. And yep, no contact as much as is possible.

It's a family disease and they are untreated and not in recovery.

Once I learned this about my situation.....I could actually have some compassion for them and for what they could not see.

ETA:

Have patience. Once they can't live with it either....maybe they will have some compassion for you.
Their story and their part in this is not over yet.

This is the crux of it to me - they are railing off at you about something they themselves are blindly ignorant about. To me, going rounds with them over this stuff is no different than arguing with the alcoholic. My AF's entire extended FOO was like this - viciously so when it came to dumping on my mother.

Until they are ready to see & hear the truth, there's nothing you can do about it except to adjust your expectations down in terms of those relationships & recognize that this POV is part of THEIR damage, not yours. ;) Awareness is such a blessing during these times - to be able to see other's dysfunction & be happy that we ourselves are no longer stuck in that same rut of thought & action... that we have progressed past this "blindness".

Hi Trailsky, how hurtful that they're behaving that way to you. You don't say, but I hope he's moving in with them and they get a taste of what you've been putting up with. That would be justice. I feel stunned that anyone could want you to stay after physical abuse.
I bet in time they'll be ashamed of their actions, but in the meanwhile all you can do is what you're doing now, which is behaving with dignity and staying strong.

Bleh - congrats to you for working on building a healthy life for yourself. Stay strong - they don't know all you've been through...but sadly, they will probably find out soon enough. Take care of yourself -brighter days ahead!

Trailsky, Before my divorce and the destruction of my family I reached out for help from my then mother and father in-laws. I was told XAW was fine until I met her and it was all my fault then said they did not have time to talk because they had to eat a sandwich. Then they spent the following months doing their best to damage my character. Told everyone we had to divorce because I was abusive and controlling. Now two years out the truth is coming to light as it most always does. Her constant posting on facebook of her drunk as a Road Lizard partying with all her like minded friends has exposed more of the truth. I know if she seeks recovery which is still my hope the truth will be known. If she continues to choose her current path then the truth will be obvious. It hurts when you are blamed for someone elses poor choices. Stay strong and take good care of yourself. Bottom line is Alcoholism and Addictions destroy families. That is the truth!!!

Ugh!!! I have also heard from XABFs mom that he is heartbroken over losing me, and that's why he's spiraling out of control. Um, except he was spiraling out of control and that's why I LEFT. Funny how the truth gets shuffled around to take the responsibility off the beloved (adult) child.

His mom and I, who were two peas in a pod once, had been no contact until last weekend, and she is now so worried about him she broke down and called me. It was awful for both of us.

Trailsky - I'm very sorry you are going through this, I can relate very well to this particular brand of pain.
(hugs)

My in-laws always said they offered nothing but support for us, but when it came time to make hard decisions about my STBXAH's care, they circled the wagons. I was out of the circle for sure -- and to my chagrin, so was DS14, who was treated like one of their grandchildren up until that point.

It was a major blow to me and DS14. My in-laws blamed me and excused a lot of STBXAH's behavior with lots of excuses and explanations that revolved around the things he needed to do to improve his self-esteem and cure him of alcoholism FOREVA, none of which involved medically recommended treatments for addiction. For almost two years I begged them to learn about the disease to help support me and him in this nightmare. They turned the other way. After they cut me out, the story began to shift. It was my fault, I was too controlling, I pushed him too hard, expected too much. They continued to lower their expectations of him until merely being alive and minimally pleasant was enough from him to keep them satisfied. He lives in their home now, unemployed going on a year and a half with no prospects. They will enable him indefinitely.

My own parents were not much help either. They were of the "save the marriage at any cost" philosophy, despite watching me devolve with anxiety and going broke trying to support the family on my salary alone.

So, I'll say this, you are not alone. Many people have been through this. By sharing and seeking out a good support system, you are doing the right thing for yourself. Also, by recognizing that this is a family disease, you can give yourself a little distance and compassion for your ex's family and the difficult times they are going through too. Above all, remember that it's not about you. This dynamic existed before you, and it will exist after you.

xx

I also want to say that this was my impression too, but in my experience this was only true if you toed the line about how loving and happy and functional the family is. If there was conflict, they'd freeze you out and deny any responsibility in the conflict, i.e. textbook co-dependence.

For me, this was also a big wake up call about my role in the dynamic, my commitment to martyrdom, and a major red flag regarding my powerlessness to help my AH. Simply put, if I stopped propping him up, there were people who would gladly do it instead of me. I couldn't affect any change on his alcoholism, especially not if he ran to his folks (or anyone else) for comfort and support when I stopped enabling him.

I just got the blame game the other day too. SIL says "I am worried about him, he is sad and there is nothing he, nor I (meaning her), can do about it." Also meaning I could.

Bleh is right! Where was the sympathy when he was pushing me and screaming drunken obscenities at me?? Ha.

It was a shock but I see it for what it is now. She is a classic codie and is now realizing just how much I did for him, because now she is doing it! From one mommy to the next!

Geez.....it's sickening.

No one thinks things like that will happen to them...until it does. Then its a jaw on the floor, "I can't believe this is happening to us." The phrase is terminal uniqueness. It means that you/me/etc think our situation is different and we are unique therefore, the rules of thumb or things that happen to most people will not happen to us. A's discuss this theory in AA and how it applies to them. However, it also applies to us. Yuck. Sorry you are going through this.

My mother in law is a total nasty. For a long time, meaning years, she acted like she was on my side....until there was a family meeting about doing an intervention...and she absolutely FREAKED OUT. Said that AH's drinking was all my fault, said he would not drink if I wasn't such a b and so controlling, that I have mental illness and need to have the children taken away from me....

After I called the police on her son and had him arrested for domestic violence, she got even worse and managed to turn all of her EX-husband's (my FIL)'s family against me. My FIL's sister and my AH's cousins will barely speak a word to me at "family" functions.

Funny how it is that she is so "worried" about the children, but yet hasn't called CPS on me, isn't it? Of course it is my MIL with a long history of suicide attempts, mental illness, and psychiatric evaluations, and mental hospital stays....not me.

It's been over 2 1/2 years since we have spoken, and she lives on the same property as I do. It's pretty sad that she is so much in denial....if we would have been on the same page regarding her son things might have turned out differently for him...but he is the precious and only golden child who can absolutely do no wrong....

Sue

Thank you so much for all the feedback. It is really comforting to know I am not alone and hear all these stories, as crappy as the situations are. I totally understand that this is their family dynamic from birth. I didn't see it before but hey I was using too (89 days clean woooo wooo). The mother, father, 3 sisters (one passed away due to alcoholism), My AH, his son and two nephews are all alcoholics. They are all wrapped up in the addict/enabler/co dependency merry go around. I guess they really don't like someone stepping off the ride.

SIL txt me today letting me know that he is hurting terribly and I am abandoning him like very other female in his life. He never loved anyone like he loves me and she can't believe what I am doing to him blah blah blah. I guess I should sacrifice MY sobriety, MY sanity, MY sex life, MY LIFE so your brother doesn't feel abandoned again because of HIS freakin addiction.

There is absolutely no accountability here. I am the crazy b$&ch. Not one person including my AH is putting any emphasis on his alcoholism. I am the one breaking up the family and causing all the pain. :gaah:

I think it's smart to go NC with the family as you mentioned.

One very positive thing about all this is I work HARD when I go to my group classes at the gym. I do a kickboxing class and get all the frustration out.

Well I am of the opinion that the anger you get from the family is since you chose to retire as CEO of disaster central they are pissed because they know they are inheriting the position.

A lot of times these families are very well aware of what their siblings/sons/daughters are like when you marry them or become involved. They are uber supportive and loving, I suppose some of that can be sincere, yet I think a LOT of it is relief that you have stepped in and THEY don't have to deal with it anymore.

I know (now) my MIL knew what my husband was like when we moved in together but I did not. She primarily was the one dealing with it for 10 years. When he was diagnosed bipolar she told me she had thought he was since he was in his early 20's and he was 47 when we got together. I don't blame her I guess - its ok now. We are very close and she is really supportive and loving but I have a feeling that if we ever split that would be the end of our relationship.