How to Negotiate with a Narcissist
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Retirement money
A financial advisor told me to be careful of 401k or retirement money awards- they appear larger because taxes have not yet been paid. So value anything in there at 30% less than it appears.
The debt follows the asset. So if he wants the house the mortgage is his too. The other advice here is really good! Best of luck.
The debt follows the asset. So if he wants the house the mortgage is his too. The other advice here is really good! Best of luck.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You know the story of Lot's Wife?
Pippi, do not be Lot's Wife.
====================
But as far as the neGOtiation.
Get ANYTHING / EVERYTHING of what you can NOW -- as Upfront -- not payments, not alimony, not . . . . , not . . . . (I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today)
This is NOT a Long Term Player you are dealing with. This is Ebay. Auction closes at Midnight. Get what you can in the Here and Now.
Pippi, do not be Lot's Wife.
====================
But as far as the neGOtiation.
Get ANYTHING / EVERYTHING of what you can NOW -- as Upfront -- not payments, not alimony, not . . . . , not . . . . (I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today)
This is NOT a Long Term Player you are dealing with. This is Ebay. Auction closes at Midnight. Get what you can in the Here and Now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Flavia2 
A financial advisor told me to be careful of 401k or retirement money awards- they appear larger because taxes have not yet been paid. So value anything in there at 30% less than it appears.
The debt follows the asset. So if he wants the house the mortgage is his too. The other advice here is really good! Best of luck.
The debt follows the asset. So if he wants the house the mortgage is his too. The other advice here is really good! Best of luck.
Pippi, I don't have much to add but I have been following your posts for a while. I learn from the experience of others especially when dealing with someone who's a narcissist.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
First husband is/was a narcissist by text book definition. 35+ years later...same same.
There is no cure or treatment for narcissisum. None....
Luckily....we were 19 & 20 and only married for 11 months and were poor....so there wasn't much to gain or lose financially.
I just wanted OUT....and basically walked out with the clothes on my back.....
and the unborn babe in my belly.
but being the analytical type....I studied, watched and learned and have been able to apply this to my life since. And that has been a gift far greater than "stuff".....
The most important is..from here on out:
RUN RUN RUN from anyone who makes you feel a little bit too good about yourself.
I learned VERY quickly....NEVER EVER let them know exactly what it is YOU want.
They have a gift of zero-ing in on our deepest wants, needs and fears by making us feel good about ourselves.......then they use it against us. They study us....intensly.....for their own gain. They become better at knowing us than we know ourselves.
So whatever it is that he thinks he knows about you....that perception needs to change.
He tipped his hand with the house. Or so it appears.
I am so cynical and dark when it comes to narcissism.....that I honestly would not be one bit surprised if he doesn't want that house AT ALL....and it's just a tactic to get you in some other way.
Don't get caught up in what is fair.
It isn't going to be fair....in any way.
They get so caught up in the fight. It's all about the fight. They don't want what you want...they just want to fight you to keep you from getting it.
And they don't care one little bit if it destroys you, your kids....in fact...if that happens...they feel like they WON.
Typically...
Marriage is about love
Divorce is about money
But dealing with a narcissist is about getting out with your life, your kids and your sanity.
Having said that....
What RedAtlanta said above is spot on. Protect yourself if he gets the house. Make him refinance it in his own name. GET YOUR NAME OFF THE NOTE
DO NOT SIGN A QUIT CLAIM DEED.
If husband cannot buy you out...or refuses to....get the judge to order it sold.
With a narcissist....sometimes you have to sit silently and not make any moves for a little while. They get uncomfortable....because they don't know what you are doing, thinking, or planning...and there is no fighting at that moment.
This is where they usually make a mistake....the discomfort gets to them.
They thrive on the game.
That is when you can enact the BIG SQUEEZE.
It sounds like your attorney is in over her head. She may not know how to handle him and she may actually feel bad about billing you ungodly hours.
You can spend your energy fighting over Tupperware....or you can spend it rebuilding your life without his influence.
There is no cure or treatment for narcissisum. None....
Luckily....we were 19 & 20 and only married for 11 months and were poor....so there wasn't much to gain or lose financially.
I just wanted OUT....and basically walked out with the clothes on my back.....
and the unborn babe in my belly.
but being the analytical type....I studied, watched and learned and have been able to apply this to my life since. And that has been a gift far greater than "stuff".....
The most important is..from here on out:
RUN RUN RUN from anyone who makes you feel a little bit too good about yourself.
I learned VERY quickly....NEVER EVER let them know exactly what it is YOU want.
They have a gift of zero-ing in on our deepest wants, needs and fears by making us feel good about ourselves.......then they use it against us. They study us....intensly.....for their own gain. They become better at knowing us than we know ourselves.
So whatever it is that he thinks he knows about you....that perception needs to change.
He tipped his hand with the house. Or so it appears.
I am so cynical and dark when it comes to narcissism.....that I honestly would not be one bit surprised if he doesn't want that house AT ALL....and it's just a tactic to get you in some other way.
Don't get caught up in what is fair.
It isn't going to be fair....in any way.
They get so caught up in the fight. It's all about the fight. They don't want what you want...they just want to fight you to keep you from getting it.
And they don't care one little bit if it destroys you, your kids....in fact...if that happens...they feel like they WON.
Typically...
Marriage is about love
Divorce is about money
But dealing with a narcissist is about getting out with your life, your kids and your sanity.
Having said that....
What RedAtlanta said above is spot on. Protect yourself if he gets the house. Make him refinance it in his own name. GET YOUR NAME OFF THE NOTE
DO NOT SIGN A QUIT CLAIM DEED.
If husband cannot buy you out...or refuses to....get the judge to order it sold.
With a narcissist....sometimes you have to sit silently and not make any moves for a little while. They get uncomfortable....because they don't know what you are doing, thinking, or planning...and there is no fighting at that moment.
This is where they usually make a mistake....the discomfort gets to them.
They thrive on the game.
That is when you can enact the BIG SQUEEZE.
It sounds like your attorney is in over her head. She may not know how to handle him and she may actually feel bad about billing you ungodly hours.
You can spend your energy fighting over Tupperware....or you can spend it rebuilding your life without his influence.
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