Alone in my new place
 

It's 9 o'clock and the boys are in bed. I'm a little bored. Just watched a silly housewives show and had a nice cup of English tea (one good thing I got from marrying an Englishman haha!)

But above all, I feel peaceful. A little down, a little sad, but peaceful. I don't have to worry about what mood AH is in. I don't have to worry that I'll say something to upset him or stress him out. I don't have to worry that he's going to nip out for a quick one and end up on a 3-day bender. Or that he'll come home and act aggressively toward me and maybe wake the kids and scare them with his weird drunk behavior. The boys are peaceful and safe in their beds and I'm here for them no matter what. It feels good to be in control of my environment and to be able to ensure a peaceful environment for my kids.

I also thought tonight about when I was young and immature and dating...I made a poor decision when I got married. My sheltered upbringing and lack of sexual experience led me to marrying someone I didn't know well enough, but I did it anyway because I loved him and thought it was the right thing to do at the time and I didn't want to disappoint my parents.

But going through the hell of the last 7 years has changed me and my priorities. Now I actually know what I want and need. Maybe someday I will experience true love, and hopefully I'll be healthy enough and ready. Right now the boys are my focus, but someday maybe there will be love out there for me.

You sound really good and healthy Emmy! You have made so much progress! So proud of you. Enjoy your peace!!

Excellent Emmy! I think you have your priorities in perfect alignment.

Keep working it girl!

I'm proud, really proud of you. You are AMAZING.

"But above all, I feel peaceful. A little down, a little sad, but peaceful. I don't have to worry about what mood AH is in. I don't have to worry that I'll say something to upset him or stress him out. I don't have to worry that he's going to nip out for a quick one and end up on a 3-day bender. Or that he'll come home and act aggressively toward me and maybe wake the kids and scare them with his weird drunk behavior. The boys are peaceful and safe in their beds and I'm here for them no matter what. It feels good to be in control of my environment and to be able to ensure a peaceful environment for my kids."

I am right there with you. I fill my huge amounts of extra time I have now doing anything and everything I can (if I stop doing, I start thinking)...that I couldn't do before. Its amazing how much time, I mean it was damn near the whole day...every day...that got sucked up by his madness, his drinking, right? And I would have to spend it calming him down, talking him down off that cliff, cleaning up his drunken mess, etc. Paying constant attention to him, because goodness, if for fourteen seconds I focused on someone else he would freak out or fall apart...or get in that black mood. Now that he is gone...wow, its just quiet. Simple. Its not a life of excitement, but oh my god, its sooooo sooo beautiful. I am so thankful for it. So thankful that I am. STILL. ALIVE. still alive to enjoy it. My youngest daughter caught me laughing at a text from someone, and told me how nice it was to see me smiling and laughing, that it had been so long. I watched a movie with my kids tonight, our new nightly habit that would have never happened if he was still here. We all laughed at the same oddball things, I laughed so hard. I haven't laughed so hard in years. Mostly at the way they picked up on all the same things I thought were funny, and its because they are my kids, its how our family is. I told them they are incredible, and amazing, and how much I love them. Right at that moment, I felt like the luckiest woman alive. I think you probably know what I mean. Its just what you said
" It feels good to be in control of my environment and to be able to ensure a peaceful environment for my kids."
That right there...dumping the chaos, giving the kids the gift of stability, a peaceful home...that feels AMAZING. Like I said, damn, I am just so proud of you.

Thanks!!!

I can't wait to see my boys at ten end of the day...they are as goofy as I am. We make stupid noises, make up silly songs, joke around a lot. We sing Frozen songs. Freedom. That's the life to me....simple. You work hard, try to be a good mom, try to have a little fun in there too. I don't need much to be happy. It just feels really good to not have 99% of my energies going to AH anymore. I've got two lunch dates (with girl friends) this week. Slowly I'll get myself back.

Emmy, my daughter and I love Frozen too...she always says from "Let it Go"..."the past is in the past"...lol! Out of the mouths of babes....

If separated AH was still in home we could do none of that! Constantly walking on eggshells!!!

Great post Emmy! XXX

Enjoy the peace, Emmy. You and your children deserve a peaceful haven and you have worked hard to make one for you and for them.

Ooooh I want to give you a big hug!!! I'm so, so, so happy for you -- you really sound like you're able to exhale and relax.

Enjoy every moment of it!

So, so true.

Yes, EmmyG - keeping busy is key - filling the hours. Structure and routine is very good medicine for you, and your boys. And way to go on reaching out to female friends. They are golden.

:grouphug:

I've so very happy for you! Peace and happiness is exactly what you and your boys deserve. One day at a time. Enjoy each and every one of these calm moments in your life. There are many more days like this coming your way! I'll ditto that on structure and routine. It's been so necessary for our youngest son and I. Ofelie is right -- you are AMAZING. :)

Good for you Emmy.
You will build a healthy happy life with you & your children.
Glad there is peace in the household.

It's a beautiful post Emmy, and it reads like poetry to those of us who know what you've gone through. I'm so happy for you.

You're doing so great. I'm so happy that you have a peaceful and safe environment for yourself and your boys.

Congratulations on your new life! I know It is wonderful to have peace and enjoy the children again. I was also thinking about how young and foolish I was when I got married today. I've wasted too many years unhappy with XAH but there's no point in wasting time on regret now I am just thankful that I'm not wasting anymore and I'm enjoying life again.

Big bear hug, Emmy! DS and I love Frozen, too. I was a bit surprised that he did, since it has not 1, but 2 princesses. Maybe it's Kristoff, Sven and Olaf.

Sidetrack: We went to the big-box-buy-in-bulk store to stock up, got dinner at their counter and sat down to eat there. There was a group of 2 families with 9 kids between them at the next row of tables. One of the little girls was whole-heartedly, loudly, seriously singing "Let It Go" like she was on stage. On repeat. The entire time. LOL Towards the end, her sisters and friends were poking her and teasing her and covering their ears, but she kept right on. She even did the little stamp that Elsa did in her ice castle.

Glad to hear DS and I aren't the only ones making up silly songs. ;) Makes the drive home marvelous fun sometimes. I'm sure drivers in the next lanes think I'm crazy; the back windows are dark and they can't see DS. Though to be honest, I keep on singing when DS falls asleep. :D (And I love that I can do it now with out AXH asking just how old am I any way.)