First day of no tears!!!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
First day of no tears!!!!
It's been 4 weeks today since my AH left me and it's the first day I haven't cried!!!! I still feel numb angry scared confused as I don't understand how he could leave because he wants to drink. I have spent weeks asking others why and asking him for an explanation but he has never given me one. I feel has been lying to me for years about how much he loves me and wants to be with me. we had been planning to move and had been scrimping and saving to get rid of our debt only for him to leave and buy his own place that he had only stayed to pay of the debt so he could leave. Last night I drove round to where his brand new apartment was and I think it really hit home that he had chosen alcohol over me and the kids. I decided to put in boundaries as he would text me saying night night and I would constantly text him wanting answers. I took his front door key told him no more texts unless about the kids and I didn't want to see him for 2 weeks to give me time to get my head together. He texted at 12.30am saying I always think of you!!! I so desperately wanted to reply when I saw it this morning asking him what he thought about when he's thinking of me but I didn't and I have resisted all day but those words have stayed with me. I miss him so much. At times I think if he came home now and asked me to let him come home I would then other times I wouldn't until he stopped drinking I don't even know if I could trust him again!!
From reading and other comments posted on this site I have realised that there is no point asking him questions and wanting to know why or if he won't tell me and I was driving myself nuts. It's so hard though I want to see him and talk to him but I know I can't for my own sanity. I need to give myself time to get my head around everything and get used to being on my own.
I came home from tonight from work and the kids were out and the house was empty and I just felt so lonely thinking is this what it will be like when my kids leave home in a few years. I will be totally on my own and that scares me. I realised last night that all my hopes and dreams were tied up with my husband and our future now I don't have them anymore and I have to think of what I want my future to be without him and that scares me.
I keep saying to myself baby steps and there have been brief times when I haven't thought about what is going on usually in work when I have to deal with something and can't sit and stare at the wall!!
The future on my own is scary!!!!!!
From reading and other comments posted on this site I have realised that there is no point asking him questions and wanting to know why or if he won't tell me and I was driving myself nuts. It's so hard though I want to see him and talk to him but I know I can't for my own sanity. I need to give myself time to get my head around everything and get used to being on my own.
I came home from tonight from work and the kids were out and the house was empty and I just felt so lonely thinking is this what it will be like when my kids leave home in a few years. I will be totally on my own and that scares me. I realised last night that all my hopes and dreams were tied up with my husband and our future now I don't have them anymore and I have to think of what I want my future to be without him and that scares me.
I keep saying to myself baby steps and there have been brief times when I haven't thought about what is going on usually in work when I have to deal with something and can't sit and stare at the wall!!
The future on my own is scary!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
I can relate to how you feel even though I wasn't married and didn't have kids with my my A-ex. I miss him A LOT. The good stuff. He kicked me out to drink without interruption. And to find a girlfriend who would let him drink. It's impossible to understand. It falls under those categories of things "too horrible to be true," in my mind. But they are true. Please be strong.. Everyone here supports and believes in you and wants your happiness.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
My husband says there will never be anyone else for him but if he finds someone who drinks like him he will be happy and can keep doing what he loves most!! I also think his comments are manipulation aswell trying to keep me about I case he decides he wants to come home!! One thing he has said that I am starting to believe is that I deserve better!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Confused, you DO deserve better--and I understand about the future on your own being scary. Right now, it sounds like you don't have any idea what that looks like. You know what? That is totally understandable!
Most of us here have been so utterly wrapped up in worrying about other people, what they are feeling, what they are doing, what they are thinking, that we didn't have the slightest idea what we ourselves felt, thought or wanted. And yes, the unknown is frightening, and that's exactly what keeps some people in horribly unhealthy situations for years. It's that thing of "better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
You've shown a lot of courage by coming as far as you have. Just try your best to take it one day at a time--that's a manageable amount of time, right? It's hard to believe right now, but the answers you need will come to you when you need them.
Here's a quote that I really like--although it's about writing, I think it applies to life in general, too. Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. --E. L. Doctorow
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Most of us here have been so utterly wrapped up in worrying about other people, what they are feeling, what they are doing, what they are thinking, that we didn't have the slightest idea what we ourselves felt, thought or wanted. And yes, the unknown is frightening, and that's exactly what keeps some people in horribly unhealthy situations for years. It's that thing of "better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
You've shown a lot of courage by coming as far as you have. Just try your best to take it one day at a time--that's a manageable amount of time, right? It's hard to believe right now, but the answers you need will come to you when you need them.
Here's a quote that I really like--although it's about writing, I think it applies to life in general, too. Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. --E. L. Doctorow
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Confused---the alcoholic fights a constant war within their brain with the disease of alcoholism---it is an overwhelming compulsion to drink. It feels like life and death to the person. It literally feels like dying not to have the alcohol that helps them cope with living.
Perhaps as strong as your fear of glancing into the future without your husband---is the fear the alcoholic has of never having a drink, ever again. If you have been interfering with his drinking---you become the "enemy". Anyone or anything that interferes with the ability to drink easily or comfortably is viewed as the enemy. The only thing that can put this battle into remission is total sobriety. And, the alcoholic has to come to the point that they WANT to get sober. They have to want it very badly.
He is drinking because he is an alcoholic and that is what they do first and foremost. It is not about you.
Knowing this could help you to not personalize this to yourself....so much....
dandylion
Perhaps as strong as your fear of glancing into the future without your husband---is the fear the alcoholic has of never having a drink, ever again. If you have been interfering with his drinking---you become the "enemy". Anyone or anything that interferes with the ability to drink easily or comfortably is viewed as the enemy. The only thing that can put this battle into remission is total sobriety. And, the alcoholic has to come to the point that they WANT to get sober. They have to want it very badly.
He is drinking because he is an alcoholic and that is what they do first and foremost. It is not about you.
Knowing this could help you to not personalize this to yourself....so much....
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Confused, he's certainly giving you mixed messages. On the one hand he's 'always thinking of you', but on the other he's not doing anything to be with you....just the opposite in fact.
This might be a good time to remember to watch his ACTIONS, not his words. What is he doing to be with you? Nothing.
As for your future, it's not a long vista of empty house unless you want it to be. There are many singles of mature age who live alone and have large social groups. You just need to discover them.
This might be a good time to remember to watch his ACTIONS, not his words. What is he doing to be with you? Nothing.
As for your future, it's not a long vista of empty house unless you want it to be. There are many singles of mature age who live alone and have large social groups. You just need to discover them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Honey, you will drive yourself crazy asking why. I did. I do. I still don't get why mine did what he did or how he could just waltz off as if he had done nothing wrong. I mean, really, it sickens me. I will never get an answer. If I do...it does NOT actually matter. It won't fix it, won't make it better, won't erase it, won't put it all back together pretty and shiny new again so we can go tra la la into the sunset. Just let go of that whole word, the word why. Right now, its useless to you and its going to hinder your healing.
Take it moment by moment. Just get through right now...and then...get through right now again. And then do it again. I remember that first day I got through where I didn't cry. And hey, realizing it...made me cry. I now have days that are easy, and then days that are just bleak. But the bleak days have become more like bleak fifteen minutes then I am back to easy...or content.
Its really hard. What you...what all of us here... go through with these people. What we go through when we get away from them and start sliding out away from their damaging crapola, its excruciatingly difficult. Hardest thing I have ever gone through. There aren't any simple answers. And even if you get them, they won't stop the hurting in you. Answers might even make it hurt worse, for all we know. The why, his reasons, won't make any sense to you, because its his booze addled brain's reasons.
You are right, that big empty void of what used to be your future...with him...its really scary. I know that feeling, I have felt it, I lived it, and it made me want to just slip away and let go and disappear into nothing. But. BUT, wow, its also a gift, you see. Now, you have this second chance. You can fill that future with anything. There is no guarantee you will be alone after your kids leave the house. No guarantee at all. It feels like it now, but it won't forever. I can PROMISE YOU THAT. How can I promise you? Because you are amazing, and someone out there is going to find you beautiful and amazing and enchanting. One day. Maybe he won't be a forever type, but that's ok. Here is how I know you won't be alone forever.
The other day I bought a new dryer and had it delivered. My hair was a mess, still wet, I had just quickly thrown on some basic makeup in the morning after my shower to detract from the huge dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, threw on my favorite dress so I could sit comfortably and write all day. Nothing special at all. These guys show up, deliver and set up the new dryer and leave. I barely spoke to them, because I was more worried about them getting kicked by the horses. An hour after they left, one of them called me (my number was on the delivery slip) and asked me out. I could not have been more shocked. He said I was beautiful and he would like to take me for coffee. And omg he was 25. HA. Wow. 14 years younger than me (I even asked him if he realized I was 39...he couldn't be blind, right). You know what? I am crazy (according to my ex abusive alcoholic fiance) so I SAID YES. And I met the guy for coffee. He was pretty nice. Nice enough, smoking hot and in all my learning here (I love this place, this forum) its helped me so that I have been able to keep the guy at a healthy arm's distance while I work on me and not go all codie with him and rush into something that I will later regret. Because I owe that to myself...and you owe it to yourself, to work on you. And boy is that guy a hell of an ego boost. Take THAT abusive alcoholic.
Nope, your future is NOT empty, its NOT a big void of nothing. There is gonna be some amazing stuff that happens to you. And some of its going to be on your own, and that's just great. Some of it might be with someone else, and that will be great too. But its not time now to worry about what you are gonna fill that future with, you can do that later, now its time to grieve, its time to heal. Work on you, fix these issues that made you accept such treatment from someone. You are beautiful, you are amazing, and you deserve some attention. From you.
And when the time is right, someone else.
Take it moment by moment. Just get through right now...and then...get through right now again. And then do it again. I remember that first day I got through where I didn't cry. And hey, realizing it...made me cry. I now have days that are easy, and then days that are just bleak. But the bleak days have become more like bleak fifteen minutes then I am back to easy...or content.
Its really hard. What you...what all of us here... go through with these people. What we go through when we get away from them and start sliding out away from their damaging crapola, its excruciatingly difficult. Hardest thing I have ever gone through. There aren't any simple answers. And even if you get them, they won't stop the hurting in you. Answers might even make it hurt worse, for all we know. The why, his reasons, won't make any sense to you, because its his booze addled brain's reasons.
You are right, that big empty void of what used to be your future...with him...its really scary. I know that feeling, I have felt it, I lived it, and it made me want to just slip away and let go and disappear into nothing. But. BUT, wow, its also a gift, you see. Now, you have this second chance. You can fill that future with anything. There is no guarantee you will be alone after your kids leave the house. No guarantee at all. It feels like it now, but it won't forever. I can PROMISE YOU THAT. How can I promise you? Because you are amazing, and someone out there is going to find you beautiful and amazing and enchanting. One day. Maybe he won't be a forever type, but that's ok. Here is how I know you won't be alone forever.
The other day I bought a new dryer and had it delivered. My hair was a mess, still wet, I had just quickly thrown on some basic makeup in the morning after my shower to detract from the huge dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, threw on my favorite dress so I could sit comfortably and write all day. Nothing special at all. These guys show up, deliver and set up the new dryer and leave. I barely spoke to them, because I was more worried about them getting kicked by the horses. An hour after they left, one of them called me (my number was on the delivery slip) and asked me out. I could not have been more shocked. He said I was beautiful and he would like to take me for coffee. And omg he was 25. HA. Wow. 14 years younger than me (I even asked him if he realized I was 39...he couldn't be blind, right). You know what? I am crazy (according to my ex abusive alcoholic fiance) so I SAID YES. And I met the guy for coffee. He was pretty nice. Nice enough, smoking hot and in all my learning here (I love this place, this forum) its helped me so that I have been able to keep the guy at a healthy arm's distance while I work on me and not go all codie with him and rush into something that I will later regret. Because I owe that to myself...and you owe it to yourself, to work on you. And boy is that guy a hell of an ego boost. Take THAT abusive alcoholic.
Nope, your future is NOT empty, its NOT a big void of nothing. There is gonna be some amazing stuff that happens to you. And some of its going to be on your own, and that's just great. Some of it might be with someone else, and that will be great too. But its not time now to worry about what you are gonna fill that future with, you can do that later, now its time to grieve, its time to heal. Work on you, fix these issues that made you accept such treatment from someone. You are beautiful, you are amazing, and you deserve some attention. From you.
And when the time is right, someone else.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you so much ofelie such lovely comments and you made me cry but good tears! I am pleased that you got a hottie must have given you a confidence boost which you deserve. Enjoy the time ahead. I am not there yet to even think I could trust another man or want to be around one but maybe one day. This is my second day without crying well over him anyway but I feel numb and I am constantly battling with wanting to text him and talk to him but I haven't yet. He is constantly on my mind and of course all I can think about is his text the other morning saying I always think about you it's stuck in my head!!
It really is one moment at a time at the minute and I appreciate all the support I have gotten on here!!!
It really is one moment at a time at the minute and I appreciate all the support I have gotten on here!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Thing is, like you, I don't trust another man, any man, nor do I even want to at this point. It sort of puts a pit in my belly, sort of makes me feel nauseous even thinking about having any sort of relationship of any significance. I don't trust myself, my own judgment of men, yet either. So, for that guy...yep, coffee was it. He can text me and ask all he likes, but I am just not ready for more than coffee. He seems inclined to wait, poor guy. And it just got me over that hump where I felt like there was nothing left of my life, nothing ahead, nothing forward, you know? It showed me that there are other PEOPLE out there that are interested in me and what I think and who I am and what I have to say. ...Because I spent three and a half years having it shoved down my throat that none of that was important. My ex is still constantly on my mind (I hate myself for loving him still...and constantly wonder wtf is wrong with me that I cannot get over it), and all the whys and hows and confusion and fear is still there. I just have to stuff it away and move FORWARD. That is the reason I said ok to coffee with the guy. Right now your issue is he is too much in your face, too much in your head, and you can't even think straight, or breathe because he still has those hooks in your heart. This is where no contact is crucial. It. really. is. crucial. At least when it comes to anything not involving the kids. You need a buffer zone, some space, between you and him, to give you some time to develop clarity. Its not gonna make it all hurt less, and it won't make you miss him or want him less. It WILL however, make you see things a bit more clearly so you can work on you. Stay strong. Take it slow. And don't read his nonsense.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I told him I didn't want to see him until Easter Sunday but he came in this morning when he called to collect my son even though he usually waits outside. He said he needed to leave the sleeping bag in that my son needs for his trip next week but he could have left it tonight before I got home from work. Just threw me!
Good for you though for even going out for coffee at this point I feel I will never be ready for that. I was with him 18 years and can't imagine being with anyone else. But maybe that will change!!
Good for you though for even going out for coffee at this point I feel I will never be ready for that. I was with him 18 years and can't imagine being with anyone else. But maybe that will change!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
My ex- used to always text, "Thinking of you." I wondered then, and now, I mean, thinking WHAT about me? I'm pretty sure it was a lie anyways. I think they mostly think about alcohol. It's just an open ended line they can text... boom... no commitment... just keeps you on the hook, wondering....
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Yip and days later I asked if he really was thinking about me. Sitting here tonight I couldn't get it out of my head and I had to know. But I wish I hadn't now because it hasn't made me feel better because I have no idea what he actually thinks about as I was too scared to ask. Feeling stupid now for texting him
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Confused, I read your post and felt like it was about me, exactly, except for the kids (I don't have any). I started doing no contact a week ago. It is hard. I also got told "you deserve better" and my response was "you're right I do" but honestly if he knocked on my door now I am pretty sure I might still take him back....Pathetic...
It is hard to believe that they would choose alcohol over us. For the longest time I was convinced it HAD to be another woman because why else would he leave the great life with me if he didn't even have anyone else. I did not comprehend alcoholism at all and that it could actually BE his mistress, and the thing he cares about most. I think that what Dandylion said is absolutely true..as bad as we feel now and are obsessing about them, that is how they feel every day about alcohol. And then they feel guilt and shame about the whole thing which is I think why they can never give us the "why" that we want. It think it would have been nice to just have them say it to my face "yes, I'm choosing alcohol over you because I have a problem".
Someone on here recommended a book called Under the Influence. It was really helpful in understanding the disease and how it affects their brain and eventually just changes their thinking and their ability to express/feel emotions and everything. And how over time they become completely physically dependent on the alcohol so that without it they can't even think or function at all...they feel sick without it. I saw some of that starting to happen with my ABF so the book kind of explained it to me and that made me feel somewhat better as to getting some answers to the "why". I would recommend the book and there is also a follow up to it called Beyond Influence.
Hang in there. It has to get better right?
It is hard to believe that they would choose alcohol over us. For the longest time I was convinced it HAD to be another woman because why else would he leave the great life with me if he didn't even have anyone else. I did not comprehend alcoholism at all and that it could actually BE his mistress, and the thing he cares about most. I think that what Dandylion said is absolutely true..as bad as we feel now and are obsessing about them, that is how they feel every day about alcohol. And then they feel guilt and shame about the whole thing which is I think why they can never give us the "why" that we want. It think it would have been nice to just have them say it to my face "yes, I'm choosing alcohol over you because I have a problem".
Someone on here recommended a book called Under the Influence. It was really helpful in understanding the disease and how it affects their brain and eventually just changes their thinking and their ability to express/feel emotions and everything. And how over time they become completely physically dependent on the alcohol so that without it they can't even think or function at all...they feel sick without it. I saw some of that starting to happen with my ABF so the book kind of explained it to me and that made me feel somewhat better as to getting some answers to the "why". I would recommend the book and there is also a follow up to it called Beyond Influence.
Hang in there. It has to get better right?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, confused. I'm sorry you are still in such grief, and as much as it hurts, it will be OK. Some things are supposed to hurt, but that hurt fades with time if we allow it. Each day we get through is a victory against the pain as it fades away! I'm so pleased you are going no contact except about the children....because as someone else said here NO NEW CONTACT = NO FRESH PAIN.
His late night texts to you are hooks. Hooks are those things that active alcoholics and addicts do to keep us available to them, available to do what they want us to do, provide a place to stay, pay the bills, ignore the drinking/drugging. They do this so that they can go back to the status quo where we are so off balance that they can drink/drug in peace.
This is a good article about those 'Hooks'.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
His late night texts to you are hooks. Hooks are those things that active alcoholics and addicts do to keep us available to them, available to do what they want us to do, provide a place to stay, pay the bills, ignore the drinking/drugging. They do this so that they can go back to the status quo where we are so off balance that they can drink/drug in peace.
This is a good article about those 'Hooks'.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Someone here posted that "just b/c we love someone doesn't mean we get to keep them." That thought resonated w/me, and perhaps it will w/you, too.
Letting go is hard, but the alternative, being dragged, is even harder, I think...
Letting go is hard, but the alternative, being dragged, is even harder, I think...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Honeypig---I posted that. I am a living example of that.And, I agree 200% with you---letting go is hard...so very hard...and, yet, being dragged is harder. It is like death by a thousand cuts.
The way I see it....when you let go--you can still love them, in your heart. And, you can make a "peace" with that (eventually). Being dragged leaves no place for anything. It is just fresh pain every day.
(another favorite of mine-- "short-term pain for long-term gain".)
dandylion
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