AH has already stopped going to AA
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
AH has already stopped going to AA
Things are good, they've been very good. So good that I remember what it was like before he became an A. I asked him yesterday if he was still going to his noon AA meetings and he truthfully replied no. That was the end of it. I said no more. He is, however, attending a study called Band of Brothers that keeps daily contact with him. Its not for addicts tho quite a few members are and they're mingled with men who are not (its a mens only group). I guess you could say I'm just waiting and watching. I'm trying to enjoy the moment however long the moment lasts. My question is, can a person stay sober and NOT attend AA?
I know he hasn't had a drink and he isn't displaying dry drunk behavior..yet. It is good..for now. It was so unnerving to hear him say he hasn't been going to AA and I tried not to show it. I don't want to be his mother so Im trying to just sit back, RELAX, and just enjoy the here and now. It's not easy when my mind wants to be worried about it. Im heading to a noon alanon meeting.
I know he hasn't had a drink and he isn't displaying dry drunk behavior..yet. It is good..for now. It was so unnerving to hear him say he hasn't been going to AA and I tried not to show it. I don't want to be his mother so Im trying to just sit back, RELAX, and just enjoy the here and now. It's not easy when my mind wants to be worried about it. Im heading to a noon alanon meeting.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I absolutely believe that a person can stay sober without AA. There are many people using a variety of methods & I say whatever works for the individual is the right thing for them no matter how it does or doesn't work for others. AA is great in that it is a large network of people, meetings are often abundant day or night & support is easy to get to if you reach out for it. Sounds like your RAH is covering this type of need with the other support group he is using.
While my RAF used AA for a while in early recovery he stopped after a few months & never returned. He was however, absolutely 100% dedicated to staying sober & ramped up his involvement in other areas of his spirituality at the same time as dropping AA. He started attending church again & spent the majority of his time directly mending relationships - with my mother, us kids, my mom's FOO & his own FOO to the best of his ability. (they have issues as a group & he found it necessary to use more detachment & boundary setting with them.) He visited with people, wrote letters, organized & hosted family get togethers & "gave back" in ways like volunteering to help with house repairs or babysitting my cousins or whatever popped up that he could lend a hand with. To me, this was "working a program" as much as anything AA defines as such because it was about creating positive life-long change.
While my RAF used AA for a while in early recovery he stopped after a few months & never returned. He was however, absolutely 100% dedicated to staying sober & ramped up his involvement in other areas of his spirituality at the same time as dropping AA. He started attending church again & spent the majority of his time directly mending relationships - with my mother, us kids, my mom's FOO & his own FOO to the best of his ability. (they have issues as a group & he found it necessary to use more detachment & boundary setting with them.) He visited with people, wrote letters, organized & hosted family get togethers & "gave back" in ways like volunteering to help with house repairs or babysitting my cousins or whatever popped up that he could lend a hand with. To me, this was "working a program" as much as anything AA defines as such because it was about creating positive life-long change.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Absolutely, if you check out the alcoholism forum there are many people who are sober and not attending AA. They either do another program or just are sober and use SR only for support. My Godfather has over 3 decades clean and sober (he used to be a fall down drunk and almost died from too much cocaine and booze) and never set foot in an AA or NA meeting. He does not exhibit any dry drunk behaviors either and is a very nice, mellow spiritual man who does a lot of volunteering for the community at large.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by Katchie 
My question is, can a person stay sober and NOT attend AA?
Remember, it's not up to you how he gets and stays sober. Only to set your boundaries and stick to them. Not an easy task but it can be done. It sounds to me like you're doing a pretty good job.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Katchie
He is, however, attending a study called Band of Brothers that keeps daily contact with him. Its not for addicts tho quite a few members are and they're mingled with men who are not (its a mens only group).
Your blinders are off. Keep working on yourself and no matter what happens, you'll be okay.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Katchie, I hadn't heard of Band of Brothers before. It sounds like a very healthy way to be working an active recovery, and a fulfilling life. 
Our Purpose is to offer the brotherhood of Christ to men fighting to move from success to meaning, addictions to freedom, and selfishness to God's call.
"Just as iron sharpens iron, so friends sharpen the minds of each other." (Proverbs 27:17)
On the Families page: "Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them... Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." (Rom. 12:9-10)
"So encourage each other and build each other up ..." (1 Thess. 5:11)
"Just as iron sharpens iron, so friends sharpen the minds of each other." (Proverbs 27:17)
On the Families page: "Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them... Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." (Rom. 12:9-10)
"So encourage each other and build each other up ..." (1 Thess. 5:11)
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
K, you know I am fairly devout Alanon, but there is nothing magic about anything or any of it. AA (and Alanon as a knock-off of AA) are knock-offs of an Accountability Group, called the Oxford Group.
Oxford Group - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Likely if the Band of Brothers follows ANY such model, he will do well.
And keep in mind, some folks relapse while in AA.
Mrs. Hammer did.
MEANWHILE -- YOU keep working on YOU! Right?
Might be this >>> http://www.bandofbrothers.org/
Oxford Group - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Likely if the Band of Brothers follows ANY such model, he will do well.
And keep in mind, some folks relapse while in AA.
Mrs. Hammer did.
MEANWHILE -- YOU keep working on YOU! Right?
Might be this >>> http://www.bandofbrothers.org/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Thanks to all of you for responding. It puts my mind at ease. H came home and was talking about the Band of Brothers meeting tomorrow. I think he really enjoys the guy group time and I'm genuinely happy for him that he does find enjoyment in it. I know it is healthy for him and will be for me in the long run.
My alanon meeting was interesting. The only people that showed up was myself and my sponsor. I had a nice chat with her. It was nice to NOT have to read the welcome and all the other stuff the leader typically reads at the beginning of each meeting. I enjoyed our one-on-one time. She helped put my mind at ease too.
Next weekend I look forward to my H and I heading to our oldest son's regatta in TN. It will be the first time in years I enjoy being cooped up in the car with him for hours...hopefully I'm not speaking too early, but things have been that good as of late. I just want to get in the place that I can be happy like this, but should he relapse, not take it as hard as I have over the last few months and still be happy come what may. I don't want my happiness to be determined by the outcome of his disease. The recent past turmoil I want to be a distant memory; not totally forgotten, but not ruling my life and emotions.
My alanon meeting was interesting. The only people that showed up was myself and my sponsor. I had a nice chat with her. It was nice to NOT have to read the welcome and all the other stuff the leader typically reads at the beginning of each meeting. I enjoyed our one-on-one time. She helped put my mind at ease too.
Next weekend I look forward to my H and I heading to our oldest son's regatta in TN. It will be the first time in years I enjoy being cooped up in the car with him for hours...hopefully I'm not speaking too early, but things have been that good as of late. I just want to get in the place that I can be happy like this, but should he relapse, not take it as hard as I have over the last few months and still be happy come what may. I don't want my happiness to be determined by the outcome of his disease. The recent past turmoil I want to be a distant memory; not totally forgotten, but not ruling my life and emotions.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Katchie, my RAH is at 51 weeks sober. His rehab was AA 12 steps. He maybe did 5-6 weeks of steady meetings and gave it up. Really too bad as he has no local pals. I let it go though I liked the idea ok knowing he was doing that bc I could mark it. But his recovery is not for me to arrange or check the water level. I think any spiritual based companionship is a powerful resource if you have the heart and open mind to accept it.
Here's to more peaceful days - one to savor at a time!
Here's to more peaceful days - one to savor at a time!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
AA is spiritual kindergarten based on universal spiritual principles if the participant actually does the program of the steps which were the roots of the original AA. Today's AA embraces anyone and everyone who has a desire to quit drinking and many people at some point warm a seat at meetings but miss the heart of the AA program.
At the same time someone can find the same principles and heart of AA in the Good Book which is what the Big Book got it's steps from. These principles for living and how to make your life have true meaning and purpose lived joyfully has shown to be the way out of addiction for many people. Most people change because they immerse themselves in a lifestyle and are surrounded by people they want to be like... in AA you find a sponsor who has something in their life you want. In authentic early Christianity you were discipled and that seems to be the idea of Band of Brothers. There are a lot of groups out there that are Christian based that are accountability based where you meet and pray in small groups with the goal becoming more like Christ.
AA has developed a clear path and way of living that leads to sobriety and recovery that is time tested and offers a lot of support and is all over the world. Many people start their journey in AA and then find other paths using the core principles of AA to keep them on the path. It is a great foundation and for many a great way to live for others then map out a different life that works for them.
But most don't make it... that is the sad statistics. It works if you work it but many never move beyond meetings (many are ordered there or are using it to manipulate others by pretending to want to stop drinking). So attendance or not attending AA or even doing the steps do not predict success...it is a matter of the heart.
What seems to be the key to being able to break up with alcohol for life is a psychological experience at depth ... the despairing bottom moment for the A where they "see" the horror of the addiction without blinders and become totally willing to whatever it takes and cry out to the higher power to help them.
There is a chemical change in the brain... a shift in thinking... a resolve and committed desire to do whatever it takes to NEVER again touch alcohol to their lips. If this happens God shows up... and some argue it is the brain that is doing it and not God. I believe we are hardwired for God and to live unselfishly as he intended us to and when we begin that journey of change God is there... it is my experience and I have seen miracle after miracle.
so...I say that AA is just geography unless the brain and heart engage and commit to do whatever it takes...it takes the 12 steps which is the spiritual journey of change. Call them what you will... they are just the core essentials for unselfish living that almost all religions and ethical and moral beings share across the universe.
At the same time someone can find the same principles and heart of AA in the Good Book which is what the Big Book got it's steps from. These principles for living and how to make your life have true meaning and purpose lived joyfully has shown to be the way out of addiction for many people. Most people change because they immerse themselves in a lifestyle and are surrounded by people they want to be like... in AA you find a sponsor who has something in their life you want. In authentic early Christianity you were discipled and that seems to be the idea of Band of Brothers. There are a lot of groups out there that are Christian based that are accountability based where you meet and pray in small groups with the goal becoming more like Christ.
AA has developed a clear path and way of living that leads to sobriety and recovery that is time tested and offers a lot of support and is all over the world. Many people start their journey in AA and then find other paths using the core principles of AA to keep them on the path. It is a great foundation and for many a great way to live for others then map out a different life that works for them.
But most don't make it... that is the sad statistics. It works if you work it but many never move beyond meetings (many are ordered there or are using it to manipulate others by pretending to want to stop drinking). So attendance or not attending AA or even doing the steps do not predict success...it is a matter of the heart.
What seems to be the key to being able to break up with alcohol for life is a psychological experience at depth ... the despairing bottom moment for the A where they "see" the horror of the addiction without blinders and become totally willing to whatever it takes and cry out to the higher power to help them.
There is a chemical change in the brain... a shift in thinking... a resolve and committed desire to do whatever it takes to NEVER again touch alcohol to their lips. If this happens God shows up... and some argue it is the brain that is doing it and not God. I believe we are hardwired for God and to live unselfishly as he intended us to and when we begin that journey of change God is there... it is my experience and I have seen miracle after miracle.
so...I say that AA is just geography unless the brain and heart engage and commit to do whatever it takes...it takes the 12 steps which is the spiritual journey of change. Call them what you will... they are just the core essentials for unselfish living that almost all religions and ethical and moral beings share across the universe.
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