netta1966

Hi everyone. Since I posted last, my AH had to get the Ignition Interlock in his car yesterday(6 months) and restricted license(1 year). We are still separated since July and he has not been able to stop drinking for more than maybe a 5 days. Since he's had this interlock, he knows he cannot drink the night before he has to go to work. He feels good about this because he knows he cannot drink and he wants to go to his meetings. I'm still working on my recovery by attending Al anon meetings and reading posts on this site. My feeling is he is not entirely ready to put down the drink but more or less forced to right now. This may help or may not help him but the thing that bothers me is he will be asking me when i'm coming home. I still love him but I am terrified at the thought of it. I hate him when he's drinking and i've been extremely hurt by the emotional abuse it has on me. My thoughts is he would have to really get sober, work the program and have enough sobriety under his belt before we can even work on our marraige, sometimes i feel that I dont want to married anymore. I guess i would need to see us start over. How would I explain this to the alcoholic so he can understand. He doesn't seem to understand my boundaries now?

Netta

firebolt

I'm so sorry you're in this mess - I have so much empathy.

I know you feel like you need to give an explanation to pacify him - you don't, though.

"I'm not ready", or "I don't want to" is an honest, and plenty thorough answer to why you don't want to come home yet. Take care, Netta.

petmagnet

Hi, I understand your post completely. My AH is in same position. He had his 2nd DUI back in Dec. He has an interlock for 18 mo. as well as many other consequences too long to list . I have same feelings as you. My AH has been sober for 50 days. But, part of me believes its because of all his stipulations right now. I am still very wary of his sobriety right now. He is going to AA regularly and got a sponsor, but I can't help but feel like it's only this way because it's been mandated. I wish I had something amazing and hopeful to say...All I can do is offer understanding. I am taking a wait and see approach. I hope all this consequence will stick and give him time to break his bad habits and form new positive ones. I am taking a wait and see approach, but not one ounce of me trusts him. Time will tell, then I move on from there. This is how I have explained it to my AH. My boundaries are different from yours as I am living at home, but all you can do is just be honest and upfront with your feelings toward him when he's sober and hope he "gets" it. I do not think they really fully understand the pain they have caused for a long time, if ever. I think that the personality that emerges from an alcoholic is entirely self centered and needy for a long time, they can't seem to understand anything outside of their short term wants and needs, both in the addiction and in the early recovery phase. their brain is just isn't well enough yet. Addiction is a very selfish disease. It's a long road for everyone involved.

hopeful4

You know what, it can be an Interlock, Antibuse, any number or forms to keep them from drinking. They don't change until they actually want it for themselves. Those things are just a temporary fix. It is something they have to work on each day, forever....and that is a big committment.

I hope you continue with Alanon and keep getting support for you!

unsureoffuture

I agree with hopeful4 and addiction is a tough boat to be in. The temptation is always there and always lurking around the next corner for them. The A has to come to a point in their lives that the consequences of their drinking are enough to outweigh the pleasure and constant pull of just one more drink.

FireSprite

I think the best that you can do is try to clearly state your feelings on the matter whenever it comes up. There is no way to predict how he will "hear" you, or how he will respond. You can only be responsible for the way you express yourself.

If you aren't ready to move back then you aren't ready, trust your gut.

dandylion

netta---if you feel...or decide that you don't want to go back at any point in time---the fact that you don't WANT to......that is reason, within itself, not to. You don't need to give reasons or explainations. You don't have to give justifications to anyone else in this world. What you want for yourself is just as important as what anyone else wants.

You must be true to yourself, first---or you cannot ever be true and honest with anyone else.

Personally, I don't believe that anyone should ever get married--or stay married if they don't want to. Even if it makes the other person unhappy with your decision. Inner satisfaction and peace of mind is not a commodity to be traded or bartered with to satisfy anyone else. It belongs to you only.

dandylion (exiting soapbox, now)

netta1966

Well said dandelion. I completely agree with that statement.