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Anyone have experience with this?

Old 04-08-2014, 06:10 AM
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Anyone have experience with this?

xAH has the right to drive our kids to school each day. Judge must assume that he's sober in the morning I guess and gave him that as his parenting time.

I have a job I HAVE to be at by a set time (like most of the world) and frequently have meetings before the official work day begins.

The judge seems to think the xAH can cooperate and be reasonable... lol... and lectured us BOTH about working together as adults to come up with a schedule of when he will arrive and he put on a show at court about how of course he wants to ensure I get to work on time blah blah blah....

Reality: I am late at least 2 x a week. He fails to show, I scramble and make alternate plans and I drop the girls off and get to work late.

He doesn't come on time, and I have no ability to know day to day whether I will need to make other plans or not. It is his parenting time in the am so I can't just make permanent alternate plans (so says my crappy lawyer).

I have asked my lawyer to request that the court amend the parenting plan since I have a right to have predictability about getting to work on time and she continues to drag her feet about bringing this back to court since I have no $ left to pay her.

I don't know how to best handle this-- and my lawyer is being of no use at all...

Not seeking legal advice-- just wondering if anyone has had a similar situation with an xA who messes with custody arrangements to purposefully have it impact your job and what if any recourse you had???

Mostly I am just frustrated. He makes about triple what I do and this has had such a significant impact on my job that I am not sure I will be renewed with a new contract next year... I have missed or been late to some pretty major meetings and my boss is not at all sympathetic. I don't blame her I guess but it's frustrating to be in this position.

It's like a new way to abuse me is what it feels like. He has used the kids, finances and the police and court to hurt me and now that that is failing, he has realized this idiotic parenting plan gives him free reign to screw with my job and Im at my wits end about it...
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:27 AM
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I'm in a different country to you so the laws won't be the same. But I had similar problems with an ex. In the end I switched the access to a time and place that I felt was reasonable and made arrangements to be able to get to work etc. My ex took me back to court but the judge said that as he was getting 'reasonable access' then he was making a fuss over nothing. (And of course document everything! If possible get your boss to write a letter about the impact on your work.)
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:33 AM
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Thinking... So you changed the time he was with your kids to a totally different time of day? I guess my problem is that my lawyer is doing nothing now that the $ has dried up so I need to figure out what the best scenarios are for proposing something new to the court... This is definitely not working...
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:36 AM
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Can you find a 3rd party drop off/pick up person?
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:36 AM
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Why cant his pick up time be changed to a time that if he doesnt show YOU take the girls to school AND get to work on time? He is the one who forfits his visitation by being a no show. The judge said work it out so that is a reasonable solution.
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Can you find a 3rd party drop off/pick up person?
I have a friend who brings one daughter when he doesn't show and the other daughter goes to school near my work so I bring her.

The alternate plan is no issue... It's my fear of being told I am in contempt if I drive them vs waiting around for him.

The order is total BS to give him free reign to dictate when he will come in the morning and it is like court sanctioned encouragement for him to abuse me by making me late to work.

I guess I will just tell HIM what time I plan to leave and then do so if he is not there...

I have been afraid of doing this daily bc I don't want to look like I am keeping him from his parenting time... But I might not be seeing it clearly bc I am fearful of him so maybe that is in fact a totally reasonable boundary to set...?
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:40 AM
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wantotbehealthy how petty and nasty of him. Here's a suggestion you could mull over which wouldn't require legal moves. You could write, or email him and basically outline that your job is in jeopardy because you can't be late. He agreed to collect them by a certain time; if he isn't there by x:xxam you will have no other choice but to take the children to school.

Be absolutely firm about not waiting 1 sec past the agreed time and diarise every lateness incident. If he goes to the trouble of taking you to court you'll have all your ducks in a row.

You're going to have to be pretty hard because that's all people like him understand. Good luck.
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Thinking... So you changed the time he was with your kids to a totally different time of day? I guess my problem is that my lawyer is doing nothing now that the $ has dried up so I need to figure out what the best scenarios are for proposing something new to the court... This is definitely not working...
I couldn't afford to go back to court either. So I just decided what was a reasonable alternative (totally different time of day so it didn't impact on work). Emailed him with the details of the alternative and the reasons for the change, i.e. because it was messing up my job and future employment chances. The difficult part was working out a reasonable alternative because I didn't want him to see her at all. So I got a sensible friend to look at my plans with me. I didn't give him a choice because he would have just found a way to make life difficult.
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
wantotbehealthy how petty and nasty of him. Here's a suggestion you could mull over which wouldn't require legal moves. You could write, or email him and basically outline that your job is in jeopardy because you can't be late. He agreed to collect them by a certain time; if he isn't there by x:xxam you will have no other choice but to take the children to school.

Be absolutely firm about not waiting 1 sec past the agreed time and diarise every lateness incident. If he goes to the trouble of taking you to court you'll have all your ducks in a row.

You're going to have to be pretty hard because that's all people like him understand. Good luck.
Done that... For months... Well documented... So I guess I need to just accept he will be mad and I will leave at the time I set daily and that's that...

Maybe I have been trying to keep him from being "angry" by not being a hard a$$ about this.

He loves to cry that he is being "alienated" from the kids (despite his own choice to not exercise the limited time he does have) so I react to that every time internally and then tolerate this bs morning manipulation...

All done...

Thanks all for shedding much needed perspective on this....
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:46 AM
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You've been given good advice by others and your own plan is more than reasonable. Just take the time to document it all. Good luck.
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Thinking View Post
I couldn't afford to go back to court either. So I just decided what was a reasonable alternative (totally different time of day so it didn't impact on work). Emailed him with the details of the alternative and the reasons for the change, i.e. because it was messing up my job and future employment chances. The difficult part was working out a reasonable alternative because I didn't want him to see her at all. So I got a sensible friend to look at my plans with me. I didn't give him a choice because he would have just found a way to make life difficult.
Yup... Totally get that... I feel like morning is best bc its when he's least likely to be drunk so I have been hesitant to change it... But I guess I better think about it and figure out a different time...

Thanks! This is why I posted it-- I am too close to it and upset about it and couldn't see obvious solutions like this one!

Thanks for your help!
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I feel like morning is best bc its when he's least likely to be drunk so I have been hesitant to change it... But I guess I better think about it and figure out a different time...
Just to add, you don't have to change the time; you have a time, he agreed to it. If he doesn't turn up, he is forfeiting the time and you have the right to make alternative arrangements on that morning. Just make sure you spell it out to him in a registered letter in advance.
Let him see the new you, the one who won't let him play around with you and manipulate you.
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:57 AM
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Registered letter--- good idea... again, obvious and simple but I am too fed up and too close to it to think clearly! Thank you!!!!
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:07 AM
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Is it possible to have a sitter or neighbor to stay until he arrives and you can leave for work on time thus taking the control away from him? Just an idea.
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:14 AM
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I was going to suggest what feeling great said.
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by nolegirl69 View Post
Is it possible to have a sitter or neighbor to stay until he arrives and you can leave for work on time thus taking the control away from him? Just an idea.
It seems like that would give him the control to show up whenever he wants with no consequences (of not seeing the kids if he's late)
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:18 AM
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I just suggested that because it was mentioned that it was just another form of abuse. If she goes on to work and about her merry way it won't be fun for him anymore.
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:22 AM
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Keep a very good journal and be done with it. If he takes you back for contemp of court you will have a journal to show the judge he could not be there on time.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Hugs.
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:32 AM
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I am facing this too. Separated AH comes every morning so I can get to work. We have nothing ordered, it is just the arrangement. I am home this morning right now and not at work yet because he was on a binger this weekend and I dont trust him to drive with her. I can still smell him.

I have to just realize that I cannot do anything contingent upon him. I have to plan for things and set things up to where I am not relying on him. If you are stuck with an order then you just have to document and find an alternative. Its inconvenient I know, I am going through it right now (literally this morning) but we have to understand that we cannot control it and make some peace with it.
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Old 04-08-2014, 07:35 AM
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Well just left a meeting where I was told "due to my attendance issues" I'm not being renewed. I knew it was coming. So the only silver lining is that this is directly a result of XAH's antics & he will have to pay more spousal & child support as a result if I'm unemployed. Wow.
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