Want to share something with you, and how I messed it up
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Want to share something with you, and how I messed it up
I got an email from my son, I know that this is frowned upon about posting anothers email. I want to tell you how I messed up about it.
There have been things said between us that can't be taken back. On both sides. I think we both know that. Please, read this in its entirety before you decide what you think of it.
_________ Dad has colon cancer. This reality has brought certain things in my life into focus. One of those things is that I'd rather have you in my life than out of it, despite all of the things that have gone on between us. Some things, like the wedding invitations, can't be changed. Other things, like our relationship going forward, can. Maybe.
I'm probably crazy for writing this, but there's a part of my adult self that is still that child that wants his mom. Our tense relationship has robbed me (us) of that. I can't promise to ever rid myself of the other part that is hurt, scared, and defensive. I can only offer to try to suppress that for a while. Hopefully, I will be able to let it go, but I can't promise that. If I thought I could promise that, I would.
I still have not revealed to anyone that you don't know well, except for _____ , the depth or specifics of our conflict. I would never speak badly of you outside of the family. I try not to speak badly of you inside the family, but I do need a support system and venting can't be avoided. I consider any negative feelings I have towards you private information. Aside from Marie's mother, no one else is aware that we are in conflict, and she only knows that there is tension between us without knowing any specifics.
My previous e-mail was based on my understanding that you had asked Grandma to persuade her side not to come to my wedding. I was horribly hurt, but I was wrong. You, as far as I know, did not do that. Nor did Grandma say anything other than she is not planning to attend. Which has more to do with her health than what is happening between us. My reaction was not appropriate to the actual truth of the situation.
I'd be doing a disservice to myself to say I am not hurt by your attitude towards me in recent years. I feel as though you have treated me as your enemy, and that you believe we are working against each other. Good deeds are forgotten. Missteps are treated as though they were planned slights. Bad communication is treated as betrayal. Part of that is fair; I am no saint. However, I honestly believe that we are locked in a spiral that can only lead to us hating each other. I'd like to get out of that cycle. I am willing to work towards that goal. I just don't know how.
That said, I have never and will never tolerate you making the statement that I am "just like my father". Even typing that sets my heart racing. I hope that you know that. Really know it. Not just read it. Know it. That statement can only ever be meant to hurt. You taught me not to attempt to hurt the person you are fighting with, but to stick to the subject where you disagree. I feel as though you have not truly learned the lesson you attempted to teach me. If you would like to continue saying that of me, you may delete this e-mail and forget that I ever existed.
Again, I understand things have been said which cannot be unsaid. If you'd like to leave it at that, leave it at that. If you've read this and felt any kind of positive emotion towards me, let me know. There's work to be done, and, to be perfectly honest, I don't have time for that work right now, but I will have that time eventually. It was not a threat when I said I would not have time for you during the spring. I do not have time for anyone or anything except work, school, xxxxxx, and wedding planning. I'd like to at least maintain a civil relationship. However, I will not have time to put towards the sort of healing that we need until, at least, July. I wish that were not so, but I am busier now than I have ever been.
I'd rather not end on this note, but I consider this important. Without any mending, the state of our relationship is such that I do not belong in your will. At least as a beneficiary. I would still faithfully perform any duties left to me as your executor, should you choose to leave me as such, but I would not feel comfortable keeping any share for myself. If you would like to include instructions as to what people or charities any unwanted portion of your estate be left to, that would be appreciated. If not, I will likely give any assets that have been assigned to me to the_________. Regardless of our feelings towards each other, I will be absolutely trustworthy in with regard to that responsibility if it is assigned to me. I hope that this paragraph is completely irrelevant for a very long time. I only include it because I felt honored that you wanted me as your executor. I will perform that duty if you want me to when the time comes, but I do not look forward to it.
For now, I'd like to keep our conversations in written form. Poor memories and the distortions brought by prior hurt have clouded our ability to communicate. Having a record of our conversations can only help.
You'll probably doubt my closing, and that's fair, but...
I love you,
So what did I see in this. I saw that I wasn't invited to his wedding, that he wanted things to get better, but that might be July or later.
So what did I do, I went with what I though I saw. Was it right ?
I wasn't listening.
I found out much later on that he was talking about the physical invite, not the emotional invite, this letter was actually the emotional invite.
My thing here, is I learned another lesson last night. Black and white, don't exist, there is the gray area. Don't jump, dont get reactive, just sit and listen for awhile. Someone is hurting, not just you. I couldn't get my words out right, neither could my son. I just know now, that we were both hurting.
I do hope I can make amends.
There have been things said between us that can't be taken back. On both sides. I think we both know that. Please, read this in its entirety before you decide what you think of it.
_________ Dad has colon cancer. This reality has brought certain things in my life into focus. One of those things is that I'd rather have you in my life than out of it, despite all of the things that have gone on between us. Some things, like the wedding invitations, can't be changed. Other things, like our relationship going forward, can. Maybe.
I'm probably crazy for writing this, but there's a part of my adult self that is still that child that wants his mom. Our tense relationship has robbed me (us) of that. I can't promise to ever rid myself of the other part that is hurt, scared, and defensive. I can only offer to try to suppress that for a while. Hopefully, I will be able to let it go, but I can't promise that. If I thought I could promise that, I would.
I still have not revealed to anyone that you don't know well, except for _____ , the depth or specifics of our conflict. I would never speak badly of you outside of the family. I try not to speak badly of you inside the family, but I do need a support system and venting can't be avoided. I consider any negative feelings I have towards you private information. Aside from Marie's mother, no one else is aware that we are in conflict, and she only knows that there is tension between us without knowing any specifics.
My previous e-mail was based on my understanding that you had asked Grandma to persuade her side not to come to my wedding. I was horribly hurt, but I was wrong. You, as far as I know, did not do that. Nor did Grandma say anything other than she is not planning to attend. Which has more to do with her health than what is happening between us. My reaction was not appropriate to the actual truth of the situation.
I'd be doing a disservice to myself to say I am not hurt by your attitude towards me in recent years. I feel as though you have treated me as your enemy, and that you believe we are working against each other. Good deeds are forgotten. Missteps are treated as though they were planned slights. Bad communication is treated as betrayal. Part of that is fair; I am no saint. However, I honestly believe that we are locked in a spiral that can only lead to us hating each other. I'd like to get out of that cycle. I am willing to work towards that goal. I just don't know how.
That said, I have never and will never tolerate you making the statement that I am "just like my father". Even typing that sets my heart racing. I hope that you know that. Really know it. Not just read it. Know it. That statement can only ever be meant to hurt. You taught me not to attempt to hurt the person you are fighting with, but to stick to the subject where you disagree. I feel as though you have not truly learned the lesson you attempted to teach me. If you would like to continue saying that of me, you may delete this e-mail and forget that I ever existed.
Again, I understand things have been said which cannot be unsaid. If you'd like to leave it at that, leave it at that. If you've read this and felt any kind of positive emotion towards me, let me know. There's work to be done, and, to be perfectly honest, I don't have time for that work right now, but I will have that time eventually. It was not a threat when I said I would not have time for you during the spring. I do not have time for anyone or anything except work, school, xxxxxx, and wedding planning. I'd like to at least maintain a civil relationship. However, I will not have time to put towards the sort of healing that we need until, at least, July. I wish that were not so, but I am busier now than I have ever been.
I'd rather not end on this note, but I consider this important. Without any mending, the state of our relationship is such that I do not belong in your will. At least as a beneficiary. I would still faithfully perform any duties left to me as your executor, should you choose to leave me as such, but I would not feel comfortable keeping any share for myself. If you would like to include instructions as to what people or charities any unwanted portion of your estate be left to, that would be appreciated. If not, I will likely give any assets that have been assigned to me to the_________. Regardless of our feelings towards each other, I will be absolutely trustworthy in with regard to that responsibility if it is assigned to me. I hope that this paragraph is completely irrelevant for a very long time. I only include it because I felt honored that you wanted me as your executor. I will perform that duty if you want me to when the time comes, but I do not look forward to it.
For now, I'd like to keep our conversations in written form. Poor memories and the distortions brought by prior hurt have clouded our ability to communicate. Having a record of our conversations can only help.
You'll probably doubt my closing, and that's fair, but...
I love you,
So what did I see in this. I saw that I wasn't invited to his wedding, that he wanted things to get better, but that might be July or later.
So what did I do, I went with what I though I saw. Was it right ?
I wasn't listening.
I found out much later on that he was talking about the physical invite, not the emotional invite, this letter was actually the emotional invite.
My thing here, is I learned another lesson last night. Black and white, don't exist, there is the gray area. Don't jump, dont get reactive, just sit and listen for awhile. Someone is hurting, not just you. I couldn't get my words out right, neither could my son. I just know now, that we were both hurting.
I do hope I can make amends.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I know, I wasn't listening. It was all me, and I take that now, and I accept that. I only read certain words, not all of it. I am totally embarrassed about that. I didn't want to post this or put this here, but I needed to.
I also don't expect for anyone to give me support or strength or whatever, I was totally wrong.
I also don't expect for anyone to give me support or strength or whatever, I was totally wrong.
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I did contact my son and told him that I was absolutely wrong. I told him that when I read that that all I saw was that I was uninvited to his wedding. That I lashed out. That I was sorry for that.
I am not looking for anyone to agree with me, because I was totally out of line.
Just wanted , I don't even know anymore. Guess just wanted that things aren't black or white, there is a gray area.
I am not looking for anyone to agree with me, because I was totally out of line.
Just wanted , I don't even know anymore. Guess just wanted that things aren't black or white, there is a gray area.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I've written letters like this to my mom and what I wouldn't give to feel heard by her. That you care, are weighing his words, and willing to move forward in a healing way are what's important here. He misses his mom.
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I am truly embarrassed about how I acted. I do want and am trying to make things better. I posted this now for an OK, you took care of yourself. I posted this for how sometimes we can react to another person. I was totally wrong. I know that. I don't like to embarrass myself like I just did, I did it so that perhaps it can help another person. I was ugly yesterday. No excuse.
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Amy ((( hugs ))))
What I see is a lovely, gentle human being who reacted like a _human_. The fact that you recognized how you reacted, that your son is in pain, and that you are willing to accept responsibility for being human shows that you are _not_ a bad person. You are a mom who loves her son, else you would not be having _any_ feelings about this.
I think he knows you love him, or he would not have taken the time to write.
Your mistakes were done yesterday. Today is a different day. I think you are going to be fine, and I think you and your son are going to find a way to work this out.
((((( hugs )))))
Mike
What I see is a lovely, gentle human being who reacted like a _human_. The fact that you recognized how you reacted, that your son is in pain, and that you are willing to accept responsibility for being human shows that you are _not_ a bad person. You are a mom who loves her son, else you would not be having _any_ feelings about this.
I think he knows you love him, or he would not have taken the time to write.
Your mistakes were done yesterday. Today is a different day. I think you are going to be fine, and I think you and your son are going to find a way to work this out.
((((( hugs )))))
Mike
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Ann--if you truly believed that you weren't invited to your son's wedding--that was your reality while you thought that. That must have pulled the rug completely from under y ou.
I think it would for most of us mothers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
I think it would for most of us mothers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Thanks for posting.
I don't look at is a mess up, but as a chance to change a pattern that you and your love one have been stuck in a long time.
It sounds like you have already made some of the first steps.
I don't look at is a mess up, but as a chance to change a pattern that you and your love one have been stuck in a long time.
It sounds like you have already made some of the first steps.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
Thanks for posting.
I don't look at is a mess up, but as a chance to change a pattern that you and your love one have been stuck in a long time.
It sounds like you have already made some of the first steps.
I don't look at is a mess up, but as a chance to change a pattern that you and your love one have been stuck in a long time.
It sounds like you have already made some of the first steps.
Prior to this letter, I actually was uninvited to his wedding. I had also just talked to my mom, who was upset about this, and I asked her to please go to the wedding, she told me that she was going out that day to buy the wedding card and to she was going to send it out that day I asked her to hold off on that because this may just blow over. She ended the phone call crying uncontrollably saying she would be too embarrassed to go and answer to other people when they would ask her where I was.
This whole thing started about Christmas. I was really only thinking about me. I decorated my house, I went out and bought presents, was planning a dinner, and was waiting for a phone call as to when they would want to have Christmas with me. I turned down all invitations, to make sure that all my weekends were available. When I didn't get a phone call by 12/20, I called them and said that I would mail out the Christmas presents. They tried to tell me that they were going to be together on 12/24 and they were going to make plans and set a date with me then. I didn't want to listen to it, because I was feeling so hurt. I didn't want to hear about Christmas in January. I have only had one Christmas with them since I left in 12/2008. It was last year, we had Christmas one week before Christmas.
I at that point closed down on hearing, I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn't see or hear anything else. And that part is all on me.
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Amy---I sure can appreciate the nightmare of trying to make holiday plans with adult children who are establishing their own lives---not to mention all of the extended family members and whatever geographic difficulties might exist. I have pulled my hair out in the past. It is also easy to get hurt feelings if one feels slighted.
I am just saying that it is understandable that these kinds of family fiascos can---and do--happen.
It has happened to me---and it always feels like crap when it is going on.
dandylion
I am just saying that it is understandable that these kinds of family fiascos can---and do--happen.
It has happened to me---and it always feels like crap when it is going on.
dandylion
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I am not sure if I am following the timescales correctly but, if I were you, and if the wedding has not yet happened, I would make every effort to be there. You don't really have to do anything, other than write a nice acceptance card and turn up and behave nicely
I can see that there could definitely be confusion and ambiguity over who is or isn't invited, but I read it that you are / you were. I hope my response makes sense and I would love to hear how things turn out for you.
I can see that there could definitely be confusion and ambiguity over who is or isn't invited, but I read it that you are / you were. I hope my response makes sense and I would love to hear how things turn out for you.
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I must apologize for yesterday. When I read this and saw where you said "some things, like the wedding invitations, can't be changed", I jumped to the conclusion that no matter what, you didn't want me at your wedding, that perhaps in July we can begin to amend things. I need to say that triggered me and my responses to you. I can now see that what you meant was the "physical" invitation, not the "emotional" invitation. You see, I never cared about a physical invitation, so I never thought that was what you meant. I did take every thing the wrong way, and for that I truly am sorry.
I really want to see you get married and I would feel honored to be with you on that day.
Love
Mom
_______________
I sent the above as a response to my son. It did get out of hand the other day, and I had told him at one point that I didn't want to be a "B" List guest. I did get ugly. I am hoping the above email works.
The wedding is in 2 1/2 months.
I really want to see you get married and I would feel honored to be with you on that day.
Love
Mom
_______________
I sent the above as a response to my son. It did get out of hand the other day, and I had told him at one point that I didn't want to be a "B" List guest. I did get ugly. I am hoping the above email works.
The wedding is in 2 1/2 months.
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I think that is a nice email you wrote to him.
I hate when I screw up like this its just a nauseous feeling - we all do it. As you and your son are in process of repairing your relationship and he has asked that everything be in writing I would take this event as a learning experience.
In the future if something triggers you put the email aside and come back to it later. If you question what is written then have a close friend read the email and see if they read it the same way that you have. Wait a day before responding to things that trigger you - may put things in perspective. There is nothing in the email that indicated to me that you were not invited to the wedding. Sometimes we need someone without emotion to read or look at a situation without skewed eyes.
According to this email your son also did the same thing, he thought you had persuaded Grandmother not to attend the wedding. He says he was wrong. So you both have had similar experiences.
Your son writes very eloquently btw….I think its a beautiful letter and very heartfelt that he wants to repair things with you and move forward.
I hate when I screw up like this its just a nauseous feeling - we all do it. As you and your son are in process of repairing your relationship and he has asked that everything be in writing I would take this event as a learning experience.
In the future if something triggers you put the email aside and come back to it later. If you question what is written then have a close friend read the email and see if they read it the same way that you have. Wait a day before responding to things that trigger you - may put things in perspective. There is nothing in the email that indicated to me that you were not invited to the wedding. Sometimes we need someone without emotion to read or look at a situation without skewed eyes.
According to this email your son also did the same thing, he thought you had persuaded Grandmother not to attend the wedding. He says he was wrong. So you both have had similar experiences.
Your son writes very eloquently btw….I think its a beautiful letter and very heartfelt that he wants to repair things with you and move forward.
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Everyone makes mistakes. With enough caring and work anyone can mend them if both parties are willing, and he does seem willing and so do you.
So glad things are moving forward in a positive way.
God Bless!
So glad things are moving forward in a positive way.
God Bless!
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Amy, I hope your apology works. If nothing else, the whole affair has opened lines of communication between you. There will be many missteps on the way, but once you learn to give and take you can repair the damage.
Whatever happened in the past, he sounds like a fine man.
Whatever happened in the past, he sounds like a fine man.
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