haveing a hard time excepting the hate
 

The hate that he feels for me. Is this my codie issues or am I just human?

He has said its because I left him when he needed me most (even though he pushed me away and turned to someone else.) that he should have been able to depend on me (even though I WAS there for 15 years putting up with all the drinking...and all that is involved in that, and that the only reason he finally got sober is BECAUSE I left.)

I have never had someone I cared about and loved so much, so bitterly hate me..someone I spent the better part of my life with so willing to go around slandering me and everything about me and feel no remorse for how badly he hurt me.

I know its not me, its his issues. but that doesn't make it any easier to take. When after everything that has happened I am so willing to let it go and he is so determined to keep that hate going and blame me for everything that is wrong in his life. He says he has finally found his soulmate (and omg I cant tell you how that hurst to hear) so why I ask if you have finally found your true love, cant you let go and get over your bitterness towards me. he brings up the fact that he has to pay me spousal support to any and everyone who he talks to. Really?? is it really just about the money?

funny...in my head I think after everything we went through I would think that he would feel like I deserve it, that it is only right that he help make my life a little better after destroying me emotionally. I feel crappy enough and beat myself up enough about excepting spousal support. every time I hear about his comments regarding it I feel worse. like I must be pretty messed up that he feels ok to disrespect me the way he has...the drinking the affair and now the total hatred towards me...on days like this I wonder what it is about ME that makes him feel this is ok.

ugg....that codie crap rears its head no matter how hard I work on it.

I need encouragement today my peeps. Im off work, we are having a huge thunder and lightning storm and its perfect weather to hide away and beat myself up.

He has to blame you or else he'd have to take a look in the mirror and start dealing with it. They are all ass holes and we are so much better off without them.

I totally get that! I have a VERY hard time accepting that someone I married, had kids with and gave love and support to no matter how he behaved (ok, not healthy but that's a separate matter) HATES me with a passion.

I am not at all comfortable with people being upset with me and try to please and keep everyone happy (well, less so now actually but I used to constantly).

I think that as a caring, good person it is hard to know someone dislikes us and not want to try and fix it.

But with your ex as with mine, the only way to have them not be angry with us was to continue to enable and tolerate totally unacceptable behavior.

Our x's hate us because we aren't there to deflect their anger and self hate on to anymore and they have to own their own stuff (or continue to deny it and drink even more)...

I don't know what the solution is to learning to be ok with the hatred they feel toward us because even today I experienced it from my xAH and it made me nervous and sad and unsettled...

You're a great mom and a healthy role model for your kids and your x's anger and hatred is not at all about you...

I know exactly what you’re going through. I’m willing to bet that for many of those years during his addiction, you were one of the only people in his life that was trying to get him to become sober…one of the only ones in his life that truly cared what he was doing to himself and his health.

The fact that you were one of the only ones to care about his well-being made him push you away further, and made him hate and revile you for simply showing concern for his alcohol abuse. I bet much of the pain you felt while you were with him was due to your inability to get him to see how much you were trying to HELP him, not hurt him…while everyone else in his life was enabling, and couldn’t really care less about him, it was you that was enduring your own hell and trying to get him to see the damage he was doing.

Now that lives are separated and changed, he doesn’t see your past for the truth of you trying to help him…he only sees it as you trying to get in his way. You were, and still are, the enemy (to his alcohol abuse). He probably hates a few other people in his life that have seen through the veil and have tried to help him out of sincerity…and all they got for their efforts were what you currently get…hate and non-appreciation.

You (and all of us that are associated with an A) don’t deserve the feedback we get from our A’s after all the dust is settled. In many cases, we were the only ones in their lives that really DID love and care for them, and we get got/get nothing but heartache in return.

Deserved or not, it doesn’t matter what our A’s think of us, at the end of the day. As long as we’re satisfied that we did everything we could to try, we just have to let go and let them do their hating. The only people we have to look at in the mirror is ourselves, so smile at yourself, love yourself, and our A’s opinions of us don’t really matter. You're doing awesome!

yes I was the only one trying to make him see that his drinking was damaging our family and was a problem. I became the "killjoy" among all the people we associated with. all our camping friends and such, I became the b#*ch that wouldn't let him have any fun.

He watched me raise my kids and always told people what an amazing mother I was ..my kids were always first. Now im this evil lousy selfish person who leaches off him and that is so far from the person I am it makes me sick. I was always so proud of the fact that he was proud of me. that says a lot doesn't it...

um, maybe HE is just a big fat jerk? what he thinks, what he says, those things belong to HIM. if he thinks you are the scourge of the earth for WHATEVER reasons, that still belongs to HIM. he's the messed up one hon....and it sounds like he was working on being that messed up person for a LONG time.

sure he's bitter....you wouldn't play along anymore, you wouldn't tolerate the drunkenness and abuse....and now the courts say he has to pay for that through spousal support. he doesn't get to go off and blow off all his responsibilities, doesn't get rewarded for being a d*ckhead, wherever HE goes, there HE is - the jackass who mucked it all up big time.

know your truth.

Even though he is not drinking anymore, that doesn't mean that he is ready to face up to the consequences of all the years he did drink. Everything is still all about him which tells me he's still got a ways to go in his recovery.

I say two things to myself: 1) I did the best I could with what I had. I embrace change, I am imperfect, I try my best to right my mistakes, I am willing to look at myself critically and do what is necessary to change and grow. 2) What he/his family/his friends think of me is none of my business. I hope they figure it out. Until then, all their advice and input around me, my needs, my kids, and my kids' needs is basically illegitimate because it's so colored by self-interest.

Something else I'm learning -- I am no longer a fan of being around enablers any more than I am being around addicts. Their opinions are so clouded with self-deception and denial that I can't take their input seriously. You don't like me? Okay. Clean up your side of the street and I'll look after mine, thanks.

^^^ What she said.

Despite what he says or feels, you know what was and what wasn't. Don't ever let go of that! Hear his hatred for what it really is, blame shifting. Deep down, he probably hates himself, just can't admit it yet.

He may be sober, but he's far from recovered. It sounds like he hasn't had.a good long look in the mirror yet.

Hugs!

I'm part of the hated-on club. He will tell everyone that he doesn't hate me, that I'm a wonderful person. It's the actions though. The actions say, "You are making my life harder. I hate you."

It takes time to not care. You'll probably always have the scar from this. I know I will. I think one day we'll be indifferent or not take it personally, the way we do with toddlers during tantrums. It won't hurt so bad.

We need more time with people who value us and validate our personalities and love.

Quack Quack...BS. It's manipulation, rise above it my friend. It's hard to see what they become but it's reality.

HUGS. You deserve so much more!

You are not a person to him. You are a tool to be used. He used you up and now you are a financial burden. He feels no duty towards you because he is a user. Telling you how low you are gets him off and makes him feel powerful. You allow him to do that. You give him power by engaging him. No, he will not stop. He is a narcissist.

thank you my friends for understanding ...I know I need to turn a deaf ear, I am not who he has convinced himself that I am.

today I went and got my toes did..:) something I haven't done in years. felt better then sitting home and beating myself up. and now I have purty toes :)

bless his little heart as they say here in the south

I read your beautiful heartfelt post and I knew that I had to respond to you.

I felt like I was reading something that I wrote years ago. Always the wondering about what I did wrong to make him hate me this much.

I was married a very long time. I got stuck in a position where I just wanted to know why.
Why would he tell everyone how much he loved me and that I am the greatest, then come home and spit on me? He either loved me or hated me, in that moment. I was either the greatest thing that happened to him, or I was the worst b!tch from h3ll. When we were married, it changed day to day, or month to month, or hour to hour.

He had started to "run away" from home for weeks at a time, wouldn't talk to me at all, I was the worst, then he would "show up" again, I was the best. Confusing as all h3ll.

I finally left, he filed for a divorce because how dare I leave, his words ----- How can you have a relationship with someone if they are not there?

I did scratch my head many times on that one. Also with the alimony, he told me he could spend his money in better ways then supporting me, that he could be treating his grandchildren to things, but now he is poor because of me. (OK) (whatever)

I am learning now to love myself, I couldn't do that when I was with him. Yes, my ex has a girlfriend also that he lives with, and I do pity her.

I came to grips with things by realizing my ex probably does have some mental issues. BPD to be specific, but that doesn't matter to me anymore. I had to let it all go. He can hate me as much as he wants, and I simply don't care, because I get to be with me, and now I am learning to love myself. I don't give a rats a@@ what he thinks of me anymore, it took up too much room in my head.

Glad you got your toes done today, they must look really pretty !!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Yay for your pedi.

Now, why does it bug YOU that he thinks negative things about you. Do you think you have not accepted that he is a bad man?

If you guys are divorced, why do you allow such accusations? Why do you even listen to that crap? :lala That is the only thing I do not understand.

But you are free, lucky girl! Poop happened, now you move on.

Oh! I had to say one more thing: When I was a kid, when I came home and said "Thomas called me a name in school today", my parents would answer: "CONSIDER THE SOURCE!"

The first time they had to explain it -- Thomas, being the son of a single dad who drank too much and had a new girlfriend every week, was probably not a person whose opinion of myself I ought to respect, because he was a kid who probably had so much trouble in his own life that he lashed out at anything that moved.

I used that phrase a lot when AXH used to call me names. "Consider the source!"
And now I'm passing it on to you. :)

missfixit that is the question. No I don't think I have excepted that he is a bad man, I still remember him as the man I married and have a hard time excepting him for who he is now. I know..when people show you who they are believe them. after 20 years I thought I knew him. Ive realized that you never really know anybody.

lillamy that is an awesome example! I had never thought of it that way and it has made me think. thank you so much.

I have not heard from him in months and suddenly all this has started. Now tonight he is texting my phone things to tell our son. my son got his phone taken away for bad grades. This is a routine punishment and XAH will ask every once in a blue moon if he has his phone. he happen to ask the other night and I told him no....so now he is texting me even though he knows our landline number and has been told to call that to talk to him when he doesn't have his phone. I want to tell him not to text my phone but he is still dragging out the pensions and Im worried if I tick him off he will not communicate what is going on with them so I will just ignore. Good lord...I don't understand why someone so determined to be happy likes to cause so much drama.
thanks all of you for your support and input today..i really really needed it. S17 and I went and worked out hard tonight together. we had a good time and feel all better now.
I win...:)

Like Amy noted . . . that all sounds rather Borderline, or at least some other Personality Disorder level Mental Illness.

Thank God he is gone.

You do not need to accept the hate. Let him keep and do not pick it up nor accept the delivery. It is all his own.

As long as we keep riding their merry-go-round people think business is well.
Once we get off and no new customers hop on, people start to wonder, start to notice things here and there. They start seeing the business for what it is - a run down freak-show.

When we leave, others notice that the show is over, and was never great to begin with.The hatred, insults, blaming and shaming has nothing to do with us, but are just another poor attempt of a failing management to keep the show alive...But that's none of our business.

This sounds like an internal question for you to resolve. Changing thought patterns and how we view people can be really hard. For me distance helped.

Do you think that part of your problem letting the "early kind version" of him go has to do with you. Maybe you don't want to admit you made a mistake or judged poorly? Someone said that to me a few years ago and I had an immediate reaction of NO. Then, over time, I thought maybe.... Some of the hardest stuff for me has been the negative insights about myself where I actively made bad decisions.

My XAH...and I didn't know he was an A until the last year when we were breaking up hates me and is very bitter towards me even tho he filed without even talking to me about it. It's been somewhere around 5 years since the divorce and we haven't spoken for about 3 years...but he still likes to put in jabs, hate and bitterness on FB.

I am not nice because I laugh about it. Supposedly I got in the way of his happiness and the life he wanted. But here we are 5 years later and he only seems to have a worse attitude. Guess it wasn't me, eh?
But do you know who is much happier and is with a truly good man all around? Me.

He messed up when he lost me because I would have loved and cared for him because I vowed to do so but I am so grateful to be released from that vow. And he is not one bit happier, sounds grouchier than ever.
He recommended some music and a book. Which I introduced to him. I love the irony.
Apparently no one has introduced him to anything but another bottle of beer or weed.
The VA will shut down his health care if he tests positive. I cared about that but clearly he doesn't.
He has no reason to hate me. I think a lot of it was I was making very good money for the first few years, then became sick and couldn't work. His sugarmama had no more money and threw hissies when people came around and snuck him weed and didn't like being around booze. The booze made him sullen and angry.
Now he can indulge all he wants, but it doesn't look like that is really working out for him.

Dumping me was a great favor, I can see that now. And that ugliness he posts about me is merely a reflection upon him....and a great relief not to be around him.

As cliche as it sounds when I was reading your post I thought of the good ole serenity prayer. You obviously can't control his emotions, feelings or actions. Accept it and focus on you being better. Acceptance, courage and wisdom to know the differance. My ex has hated me for 20 plus years for a long time I tried so hard to just " be friends" I needed to hate to go away and at least for him to just like me....finally I realized what he thinks of me, how he looks at me or feels about me has zero to do with who I am. It's laughable now because I am so over the top happy, sober and blesses and he still wallows in his hate.

Yes, my x hates me and is bitter as well. When I reflect on it, I am so blessed and happy to be in my own home free of the dysfunction. His mother supports his views and recently said to one of my daughters, "don't ever turn out like your mom." With what my children have to put up with, I am so blessed that they love me and love their dad to the best of their ability.

The fact that I get alimony, apparently drives him further into hatred. As a single person supporting two teenagers, I am closer to the poverty line than ever before. If I do something nice for myself or the kids (e.g. kayak with them), he has made sure I know I must be swimming in wealth and attempts to put me down for it. When our farmette sold, he said I was taking advantage of his families wealth. As time continues to pass, I am less and less affected by all of it. The pain of rudeness and hatred lasts but a moment versus days.

I had a thought that maybe the part of me that wishes him the best, still wants the best for him (stop the hatred, etc.), but as you know, he is the only one that can stop it and it is up to him to figure out his own happiness. I'll keep praying for him despite being challenged by the full surrender of it all. I win again since my surrendering gives me comfort while leaving it in God's (very capable) hands.

"Before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem make sure you are not, in fact, surround by a$$holes" - Unknown

He hates you because you are holding him accountable for his behavior - behavior which he knows quite well is crappy. Let him spew all he wants - he's gone now.

It's very common for alcoholics to fight to keep their enablers in their life. It makes drinking easier! I'd run to Alanon and keep a big distance between me and this sick guy.

Oh man, I could have written this. He tells everyone that I am a great mother to our boys and that I am an awesome person and that I'm so smart. Yet lately when he is angry (seems like my newfound dependence threatens him), he lashes out at me and blames me for controlling him, being his mommy, etc. Also, one day he's asking me if I have the things I need or if I need money, the next he makes a comment about how he's glad he doesn't have to put up with me financially anymore. I've come to see it as self-loathing on his part.

Hah! My dad always said that :)

so I guess Im in good company. seems to be the thing to do...treat your ex like crap as long as they will take it. Good lord...I am no longer his enabler, he has a replacement for that who is his "soulmate"...she is a drinker. and Im sure as good if not better at the enabling job as I was.

He was again mouthing off on some, Dads who hate to pay child support because our exs are deadbeats and lousy moms sight, Im told...something about he didn't mind supporting his son but having to support ME for the next 20 years burns his a#$....very mature.
I found it funny since I am raising our son on my own and working 2 jobs, one of which includes 12 hr shifts 3 days a week.
I ended up calling him on it by telling him I saw it and what was he thinking ? what if our son saw it? He apologized and said it wasn't meant that way??? right...kind of hard to take that wrong. bottom line was I told him not to contact me anymore by text or phone calls. Emails only and only in regards to wrapping up the last of our Divorce. Our son is 17, there is no need for us to have any contact. We have not coparented..ever. He does not ask me about grades or if he gets in trouble he does not discuss it with me. Im on my own with it so I don't see the point of pretending anymore. He says he talked about his anger towards me at his meeting a few nights ago....Im glad he is back at his meetings but man does he have a long way to go.

People change, He is not the man I lived with for 17 years...it happens I guess but I will always miss that man. He was such a good man...to bad life got the best of him and he let himself down. I don't think he was a bad decision...but it was a bad decision to stay as long as I did.