Where do YOU draw the line?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Where do YOU draw the line?
Last year I opened my business. I have a partner who is not an owner of the business, he has his own complementary business inside mine and pays a rental fee. The business plan works such that we refer clients to each other. We have known and worked with each other since 2005 and our dream was to do this one day. Now it is reality.
In November he met a guy and they moved pretty quickly. They started living together in December. In January I started noticing my partner was becoming unfocused and seemingly a bit obsessed with his new boyfriend. With each ensuing month it has become worse to the point of canceling clients and not really being at the business much at all. I suspected they may be partying hard among some other things. I have kind of kept my distance just watching and keeping quiet, listening. He is not in a position financially not to work so I thought it would straighten itself out.
Yesterday he opened up to me as he and boyfriend had a massive fight the night before. I'll skip the details. Boyfriend is an addict. Friend/partner has been trying to manage the situation and is failing (been there done that). Financially partner has been drained. Partner is a wreck. He called me last night hysterical saying he is so broke he does not have enough money to buy supplies for his work today on clients. He asked for an advance of money for some work we will get paid for next week. I am giving him some money today for the supplies but not as much as he asked for - actually I asked for a list of supplies needed and I will buy them this morning. This I have to do as the clients are mine as well and if I don't the result would be cancellations.
Here is where I am in life. I have had a solid year of RAH working his program and peace in my home. My father had a massive stroke last year the day I signed the lease on my business. I have traveled extensively to support my parents during his recovery which has been very hard with a new business. Just when I thought Dad had plateaued to a really good, stable point of recovery in February this year, my mom was diagnosed with Cancer. So the needs for my family will continue.
As I talked with partner yesterday and tried to offer him comfort and guidance I had to struggle to participate. I simply don't want to deal with it. He has no idea what he is dealing with. I didn't either with RAH - I am compassionate to that. This person is my friend and I love him, but I am also angry with him that he has allowed his problems to affect his business which affects mine. I don't want his partner in my business at any time. Too many things missing around there - its been happening for awhile. My partner will bring him to the business to babysit him when he has a day off. I have put a stop to that; however, I am not there all the time.
I think about the support I got here when I was going through it with RAH relapse and I couldn't have made it without it. I feel guilty that my feelings are such that I do NOT want to "help" him. I am emotionally/physically drained dealing with my parent's illnesses and working non-stop for the business.
I hate addiction so much and what it has already put me through that my gut feeling is that I will need to sever the business relationship. This doesn't seem fair. My partner told me he has given the BF an ultimatum of the "drugs or me". I'll give that a little time I doubt he will do that and the bf has given zero indication of wanting to do something about it. My partner is far more concerned about the BF than he is for himself.
I am pissed off that I am once again dealing with someone's addiction - a person who I barely know (the boyfriend) who is causing me problems and stress.
What would you do?
In November he met a guy and they moved pretty quickly. They started living together in December. In January I started noticing my partner was becoming unfocused and seemingly a bit obsessed with his new boyfriend. With each ensuing month it has become worse to the point of canceling clients and not really being at the business much at all. I suspected they may be partying hard among some other things. I have kind of kept my distance just watching and keeping quiet, listening. He is not in a position financially not to work so I thought it would straighten itself out.
Yesterday he opened up to me as he and boyfriend had a massive fight the night before. I'll skip the details. Boyfriend is an addict. Friend/partner has been trying to manage the situation and is failing (been there done that). Financially partner has been drained. Partner is a wreck. He called me last night hysterical saying he is so broke he does not have enough money to buy supplies for his work today on clients. He asked for an advance of money for some work we will get paid for next week. I am giving him some money today for the supplies but not as much as he asked for - actually I asked for a list of supplies needed and I will buy them this morning. This I have to do as the clients are mine as well and if I don't the result would be cancellations.
Here is where I am in life. I have had a solid year of RAH working his program and peace in my home. My father had a massive stroke last year the day I signed the lease on my business. I have traveled extensively to support my parents during his recovery which has been very hard with a new business. Just when I thought Dad had plateaued to a really good, stable point of recovery in February this year, my mom was diagnosed with Cancer. So the needs for my family will continue.
As I talked with partner yesterday and tried to offer him comfort and guidance I had to struggle to participate. I simply don't want to deal with it. He has no idea what he is dealing with. I didn't either with RAH - I am compassionate to that. This person is my friend and I love him, but I am also angry with him that he has allowed his problems to affect his business which affects mine. I don't want his partner in my business at any time. Too many things missing around there - its been happening for awhile. My partner will bring him to the business to babysit him when he has a day off. I have put a stop to that; however, I am not there all the time.
I think about the support I got here when I was going through it with RAH relapse and I couldn't have made it without it. I feel guilty that my feelings are such that I do NOT want to "help" him. I am emotionally/physically drained dealing with my parent's illnesses and working non-stop for the business.
I hate addiction so much and what it has already put me through that my gut feeling is that I will need to sever the business relationship. This doesn't seem fair. My partner told me he has given the BF an ultimatum of the "drugs or me". I'll give that a little time I doubt he will do that and the bf has given zero indication of wanting to do something about it. My partner is far more concerned about the BF than he is for himself.
I am pissed off that I am once again dealing with someone's addiction - a person who I barely know (the boyfriend) who is causing me problems and stress.
What would you do?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Oh my RedAtlanta,
Isn't it frustrating at how insidious addiction impacts life and work and people?
I'd put it in writing that this supply assistance is a one time thing and you will be reimbursed at X date in full. Discuss other upcoming jobs to see if there is further issues that could impact your reputation. Ask him for solutions. It is his mess to fix. I would give him a list of missing items and ask them if he has them. If not, tell him you sadly think his partner may be stealing for his addiction, so he is not welcome in the office any longer. Use a careful tone of voice - regretful truth more than accusational. Chances are stuff is missing at his house too! Tell him you are sad that this personal relationship is so impacting his work bc you have a good working relationship up until now. Tell him he is a good guy that deserves a supportive partner and not one that drains him in such a negative way. Ask him if you need to seek another partner. See what he says. Then I'd give him a print out to support meetings in your area. Tell him you despise addiction and what collateral damage it does. Then walk away. Mull the results over of what was said...
Isn't it frustrating at how insidious addiction impacts life and work and people?
I'd put it in writing that this supply assistance is a one time thing and you will be reimbursed at X date in full. Discuss other upcoming jobs to see if there is further issues that could impact your reputation. Ask him for solutions. It is his mess to fix. I would give him a list of missing items and ask them if he has them. If not, tell him you sadly think his partner may be stealing for his addiction, so he is not welcome in the office any longer. Use a careful tone of voice - regretful truth more than accusational. Chances are stuff is missing at his house too! Tell him you are sad that this personal relationship is so impacting his work bc you have a good working relationship up until now. Tell him he is a good guy that deserves a supportive partner and not one that drains him in such a negative way. Ask him if you need to seek another partner. See what he says. Then I'd give him a print out to support meetings in your area. Tell him you despise addiction and what collateral damage it does. Then walk away. Mull the results over of what was said...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Yeah, I would write down any advances of money or supplies date and sign just to make sure that gets re-imbursed before payment to partner. Remember, you are not charging interest (I assume) so you are doing a very generous thing for a friend/partner that most businesses would not do.
Focus on your health first. You don't want to get sick or too run down right now. Schedule in advance as best you can any trips to mom and dad. (My dad has hearts issues and in 2011 I drove 8 hours each weekend after work for several months to help him...I know you get exhausted).
Focus on your health first. You don't want to get sick or too run down right now. Schedule in advance as best you can any trips to mom and dad. (My dad has hearts issues and in 2011 I drove 8 hours each weekend after work for several months to help him...I know you get exhausted).
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Codejob - thanks for the reply. The money is not loan per se. It is in advance of money he would receive once the invoice is paid. Nonetheless, its coming out of my pocket.
We have discussed the missing things. Of all missing the one thing that pisses me off the most is a $20 bill given to me on my opening day by a friend for good luck. It was placed where no one could see only my partner knew it there. Though if someone was sitting at my computer (like BF) and got nosy under the desk they would have seen it. As to the other things missing I get deer in headlights stare. My business is a small boutique with no employees. While it possible a client could steal its highly unlikely because of logistics. Some of the things have been taken out of my kits and there is just no way that is a client. Could be business partner too. Regardless I don't like having to replace $400 flat irons and $250 blow dryers so the more expensive tools I now keep locked in the safe. I never thought in my place of business I would have to be locking up checkbooks and the like.
YES ITS FRUSTRATING!!!! Good pointers you made. I am waiting on him to show up now so we can go get his supplies. Will take your suggestions and make them.
We have discussed the missing things. Of all missing the one thing that pisses me off the most is a $20 bill given to me on my opening day by a friend for good luck. It was placed where no one could see only my partner knew it there. Though if someone was sitting at my computer (like BF) and got nosy under the desk they would have seen it. As to the other things missing I get deer in headlights stare. My business is a small boutique with no employees. While it possible a client could steal its highly unlikely because of logistics. Some of the things have been taken out of my kits and there is just no way that is a client. Could be business partner too. Regardless I don't like having to replace $400 flat irons and $250 blow dryers so the more expensive tools I now keep locked in the safe. I never thought in my place of business I would have to be locking up checkbooks and the like.
YES ITS FRUSTRATING!!!! Good pointers you made. I am waiting on him to show up now so we can go get his supplies. Will take your suggestions and make them.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Your right, this place is great for support, but remember, we all just post our ESH and/or advice, and talk is cheap. Dealing one on one with a business partner going through this is a whole other ballgame.
Business is business. You have to watch out for yourself. From your story it isn't 100% clear to me whether your business partner is simply dealing with someone who is an addict, or whether your business partner perhaps has started using too. They only met five months ago, and things have deteriorated awfully quickly.
If it were me, I would have in mind severing the business relationship within a month. This would give me time to gracefully back out of various commitments and contracts, and start separating my business out from his. Simultaneously I would tell my business partner that he has a month to clean up his act or I am done...I still want to be your friend and support you, but my business is my business and what's been happening over the past few months is not acceptable. By doing this you are giving the guy a chance to clean up his own affairs, but you are also protecting your own interests and setting things up in a good direction should things deteriorate further.
Remember, you can't control what your business partner does. But I am sure there is nothing in your contract that says you have to sink with him. Take care of yourself first. And be thankful you're not married to the guy! Be careful and good luck.
Business is business. You have to watch out for yourself. From your story it isn't 100% clear to me whether your business partner is simply dealing with someone who is an addict, or whether your business partner perhaps has started using too. They only met five months ago, and things have deteriorated awfully quickly.
If it were me, I would have in mind severing the business relationship within a month. This would give me time to gracefully back out of various commitments and contracts, and start separating my business out from his. Simultaneously I would tell my business partner that he has a month to clean up his act or I am done...I still want to be your friend and support you, but my business is my business and what's been happening over the past few months is not acceptable. By doing this you are giving the guy a chance to clean up his own affairs, but you are also protecting your own interests and setting things up in a good direction should things deteriorate further.
Remember, you can't control what your business partner does. But I am sure there is nothing in your contract that says you have to sink with him. Take care of yourself first. And be thankful you're not married to the guy! Be careful and good luck.
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It sounds like this situation has been unacceptable for some time. If you apply the three A's, first comes awareness, which you are now gaining. Getting beyond denial and disbelief, which are natural to have at first when there's been past reasons to trust someone. Being able to let go of what you are hoping for and see things for what they are today. Acceptance of your friend how he is right now, flaws and all. Action - this is for you to decide, in your own time and way.
This is not how either friends or business associates get to behave. Lying, stealing, covering up theft, etc. Accepting things for how they are doesn't mean there aren't consequences to follow. For a long time close friendship, I would perhaps distance the relationship or go with them to a 12 step meeting -- maybe both. For a business association, logic would say to end it. Listen not to the words, but to his actions. What has he been telling you for some time now?
Look objectively at lost revenue plus the cost of replacing things that have been stolen. How many clients/appts do you need to cover those costs? First figure in the normal cost of doing business including lease/inventory/utilities, etc. From the actual profit margin on those transactions, how much work do you need to put in to cover that?
Document everything that is going on. Step aside from emotion and state facts. If you have a very strong feeling that either your business associate or his boyfriend have stolen these things, deduct reimbursement for those from this upcoming payment to him. It's okay to hold him financially responsible for things that happen on his watch. If he is absolutely adamant that neither he or his boyfriend had anything to do with it, then take it seriously and file a police report and let them have it documented. These things didn't just 'disappear'. You can have compassion for him as a person. You do not need to allow him to abuse you in these ways.
To note, I've become recently aware of subtle emotional abuse in my life and been studying about it. For where I am, if someone was doing this to me I would consider it abuse and need to respond to it in order to take care of myself. I have been a target for abuse in several areas of my life. Now I'm learning how to stand up for myself. Being someone's doormat doesn't help them or me. Searching out and finding people to connect with who are strong, positive, healthy and drama free is necessary for me for my healing. I can help others in my life who are struggling at times, but I'm learning to put me first and not get drawn into their chaos.
"Learning to be passive sets us up for both adapting to abuse and teaching our abuser that abuse works." Respect Me Rules
This is not how either friends or business associates get to behave. Lying, stealing, covering up theft, etc. Accepting things for how they are doesn't mean there aren't consequences to follow. For a long time close friendship, I would perhaps distance the relationship or go with them to a 12 step meeting -- maybe both. For a business association, logic would say to end it. Listen not to the words, but to his actions. What has he been telling you for some time now?
Look objectively at lost revenue plus the cost of replacing things that have been stolen. How many clients/appts do you need to cover those costs? First figure in the normal cost of doing business including lease/inventory/utilities, etc. From the actual profit margin on those transactions, how much work do you need to put in to cover that?
Document everything that is going on. Step aside from emotion and state facts. If you have a very strong feeling that either your business associate or his boyfriend have stolen these things, deduct reimbursement for those from this upcoming payment to him. It's okay to hold him financially responsible for things that happen on his watch. If he is absolutely adamant that neither he or his boyfriend had anything to do with it, then take it seriously and file a police report and let them have it documented. These things didn't just 'disappear'. You can have compassion for him as a person. You do not need to allow him to abuse you in these ways.
To note, I've become recently aware of subtle emotional abuse in my life and been studying about it. For where I am, if someone was doing this to me I would consider it abuse and need to respond to it in order to take care of myself. I have been a target for abuse in several areas of my life. Now I'm learning how to stand up for myself. Being someone's doormat doesn't help them or me. Searching out and finding people to connect with who are strong, positive, healthy and drama free is necessary for me for my healing. I can help others in my life who are struggling at times, but I'm learning to put me first and not get drawn into their chaos.
"Learning to be passive sets us up for both adapting to abuse and teaching our abuser that abuse works." Respect Me Rules
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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So the talk went well in my opinion though he was quite upset. He owes me money for some products of which I have asked for repayment since January. What I did was decide to sever any further financial intertwining. I subtracting out what he owed me and then cut him a check for the balance. I decided going and buying the product was very co-dependent and being a mom and I don't want to be either. Going forward he can take care of getting paid or if he doesn't want to fool with that kind of work then I have many, many others that would love to do it.
This started a backlash from him that he is under so much stress he doesn't need to be dealing with this. He wanted the payment in full. He didn't want to take 5 minutes to add up what he owed - I said add it and pay it or get nothing btw I don't have to do this period!!!!! More pity party from him and how he needs understanding from me blah blah blah - how he is on the verge of a mental breakdown, didnt sleep, having chest pain etc.
All I had to say was that his situation is most unfortunate but he has no one to blame but himself. That he has invested thousands in his bf, total focus on him, to the point that business is suffering. Just told him I am not going to suffer his poor choices for one more day. I agree keepingthefaith, it is abuse. The truth is I stand between him and bankruptcy I have given him SO much work, and without it he wouldn't be treading water. In return he has sh1t all over me. He said that since he talked with BF 2 DAYS ago that he has done a 180. Mmmmm Hmmmm. I said unless he has told you he wants help for his problem the problem still exists. RAH is happy to assist you if either or you want help. Otherwise please don't come in here lamenting the problems in your home. Have no tolerance for junkie BS and all that it encompasses.
So that's that. I am actively looking for another person and I should be able to find one fairly quickly. I hope that he gets act together. No its not escaped me that he might be heading down same path as BF.
Thank you for your guidance.
This started a backlash from him that he is under so much stress he doesn't need to be dealing with this. He wanted the payment in full. He didn't want to take 5 minutes to add up what he owed - I said add it and pay it or get nothing btw I don't have to do this period!!!!! More pity party from him and how he needs understanding from me blah blah blah - how he is on the verge of a mental breakdown, didnt sleep, having chest pain etc.
All I had to say was that his situation is most unfortunate but he has no one to blame but himself. That he has invested thousands in his bf, total focus on him, to the point that business is suffering. Just told him I am not going to suffer his poor choices for one more day. I agree keepingthefaith, it is abuse. The truth is I stand between him and bankruptcy I have given him SO much work, and without it he wouldn't be treading water. In return he has sh1t all over me. He said that since he talked with BF 2 DAYS ago that he has done a 180. Mmmmm Hmmmm. I said unless he has told you he wants help for his problem the problem still exists. RAH is happy to assist you if either or you want help. Otherwise please don't come in here lamenting the problems in your home. Have no tolerance for junkie BS and all that it encompasses.
So that's that. I am actively looking for another person and I should be able to find one fairly quickly. I hope that he gets act together. No its not escaped me that he might be heading down same path as BF.
Thank you for your guidance.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Good for you, redatlanta!! I think you're doing him a favor by letting him accept his own consequences as well. His choice to be all consumed with his BF is now hurting other aspects of his life that are now unavoidable. Hopefully he can figure things out before its too late.
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Thank you all. Will continue to look for a replacement. Hoping things stay status quo at least, I could operate without him it would be financially difficult, but I could if I had to.
Codie in me has hope a little hope that he will get out of this very toxic relationship, realist knows its not going to happen.
Sucks watching someone's life go down the tubes (again) see it too often in my profession.
Codie in me has hope a little hope that he will get out of this very toxic relationship, realist knows its not going to happen.
Sucks watching someone's life go down the tubes (again) see it too often in my profession.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Ugh, what a difficult & disappointing situation. I think you handled it like a Rock Star though! What a great reminder for the rest of us how addiction can affect our worlds from unexpected sources.
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