Dealing with a controlling codie co-worker - ARGGHHH
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Dealing with a controlling codie co-worker - ARGGHHH
I was triggered at work today - it was like I was living at home again with my mother...ARGGH....and my only thought really right now is "is this how I used to act back when I was still with my XRAH trying to change him, control everything and have a perfect life"?????
It all started out with her telling me that since her license is "different" than mine it is better and her skill set is better and how dare my boss make her come into the office on a busy day without kissing her butt. I just looked at her dumbfounded and proceeded to let her know that in my opinion on license was not above the rest.
Not only that it's busy season and if she can't live up to her commitment perhaps this wasn't the job for her. I mean why should we all pick up her slack? LOL.....so the old me would never have said that or done anything but no way I was going to be my old doormat self. Sorry people that person has left the building! She then proceeded to tell me she was a very "nice" person and never got "emotional" like the rest of us in the office did (LOL)...then she began telling me how our boss was beneath her due to the license issue and how our boss was worse than the last "untreated alcoholic" boss she had.....and that's when it all clicked for me...she was a codie! Judging, controlling and blaming everyone else...I always felt stiff and smothered around her and like she was mothering me even before this but it just sort of clicked. I mean she suggested to us how to re-design every office to make it "pleasant" in a way employees deserve - hahahaha. I had a moment of compassion for her followed by the idea that OMG did I use to be like that???? eeek. (Or worse do I still act like that sometimes when I get triggered?)
I don't even know the point of this post (I'm over the scenario) but I guess I just sort of see how many codies there really are out there and how I used to come off to others...thank you for therapy!
It all started out with her telling me that since her license is "different" than mine it is better and her skill set is better and how dare my boss make her come into the office on a busy day without kissing her butt. I just looked at her dumbfounded and proceeded to let her know that in my opinion on license was not above the rest.
Not only that it's busy season and if she can't live up to her commitment perhaps this wasn't the job for her. I mean why should we all pick up her slack? LOL.....so the old me would never have said that or done anything but no way I was going to be my old doormat self. Sorry people that person has left the building! She then proceeded to tell me she was a very "nice" person and never got "emotional" like the rest of us in the office did (LOL)...then she began telling me how our boss was beneath her due to the license issue and how our boss was worse than the last "untreated alcoholic" boss she had.....and that's when it all clicked for me...she was a codie! Judging, controlling and blaming everyone else...I always felt stiff and smothered around her and like she was mothering me even before this but it just sort of clicked. I mean she suggested to us how to re-design every office to make it "pleasant" in a way employees deserve - hahahaha. I had a moment of compassion for her followed by the idea that OMG did I use to be like that???? eeek. (Or worse do I still act like that sometimes when I get triggered?)I don't even know the point of this post (I'm over the scenario) but I guess I just sort of see how many codies there really are out there and how I used to come off to others...thank you for therapy!
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Once I started working on my codie issues, seeing those traits in others has started to actually bug me. Up until a couple of weeks ago I was living with my mentally ill supercodie mom and she triggered me ALL THE TIME.
But she was just being helpful, trying to make sure things ran smoothly, giving input, etc., etc. All those words we use that actually just mean controlling! And she just cannot see it. Because if she didn't do those things, everything would just fall apart and nothing would get done (her exact words).
I know exactly what you mean. And I also know that impatience and intolerance are a couple of the character defects I need to work on (doing step 4 right now).
Great post.
But she was just being helpful, trying to make sure things ran smoothly, giving input, etc., etc. All those words we use that actually just mean controlling! And she just cannot see it. Because if she didn't do those things, everything would just fall apart and nothing would get done (her exact words).
I know exactly what you mean. And I also know that impatience and intolerance are a couple of the character defects I need to work on (doing step 4 right now).
Great post.
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I've noticed that more and more at my work! Especially with coworkers I used to get along swimmingly with, now I can barely stand to work with them because they want to control everything single thing.
Unfortunately I can't really blame them because I swear being a codie is an unofficial requirement for doing my job. Which is why I'm changing careers soon. Hoping to find something that will be less of a trigger!
Unfortunately I can't really blame them because I swear being a codie is an unofficial requirement for doing my job. Which is why I'm changing careers soon. Hoping to find something that will be less of a trigger!
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Alas, my job for 10 years was to make things happen though I had no authority. For the first 5 years I tried to be amiable and got too loyal to project 1. My coworker was also codependent (Codie) but I sadly did not put down strict boundaries bc I thought our parallel job descriptions would suffice. In year 5 I got angry one morning as she answered MY phone in my 4 foot cube. On a floor with maybe 100 cubes only about 6 heard me go off on this woman. So I did not yell but I pretty adamantly moved her out of my cube. Turns out this woman had a lot more history and power than me so I got written up for not being a team player and having my own moral code. I was threatened that I would lose my job if I did not accept the project line. I had to stop pointing out all the problems. They told me the write up would for now stay in the division and not go to corporate HR. My boss was trying to keep me in my place but I reacted much differently than he anticipated. I got a transfer to another division in 10 days with a promotion and a decent raise! Boss was livid, Codie coworker was jealous. I moved into an office which is rare in my work so it really looked like I had made it.
But the next 5 years I worked for a paranoid micromanager. This time I started learning about Codie boundaries, detaching and letting go at work. I was in purgatory paying for my Codie sins. This division had Mr. MIT who had given me a good reference. I had worked with him on a subcommittee of project 1. He was a very competent but funny guy. He popped over in my first few weeks on project 2 and we talked about our work and the economy. He warned me about my new boss in a careful way and told me to stick it out during the downturn. Which I am grateful I did. Many times I would go for a walk or hide up at the roof stairwell rather than lose my temper or act out of turn. I'd think about how people-wise Mr. MIT was and get back on track. I told my Codie self every day I did not own this project and it was not "my baby" it was my paranoid boss' baby so I did not mother the project or him.
One day Mr. MIT hosted a meeting for my old project with my old boss and team attending. I cleared out of the area for the day but got called in by Mr. MIT who seriously outranks me so I had to report. He thanked me in front of the team for all of my previous work! I was shocked. I looked at my old boss and he was livid as Mr. MIT had spoken out of turn and authority. It was a kind gesture. Since my name has been stripped from the records, that was my moment for 5 years of dedication. I adore Mr. MIT. He is one of my favorite people.
In year 3 of project 2 I knew I could not stay with this micromanager long term. I had to find something else to do. Mr. MIT kindly met with me to talk over a strong opportunity that had a lot of red flags. He shared some inside information in a very careful but intuitive way so I wound up staying in the he-- I was in rather than move to another likely he--.
In year 5 I brokered 2 transfer opportunities. I met briefly with Mr. MIT to thank him for all of his help and update him where I was going. He drove my karma bus again! He told me all the problems I had voiced on project 1 were correct at year 10. Instead of being validated, I told him I felt badly how I handled things. I told him what went down. He nodded and said I wondered what happened. He told me The project suffered after I left, which of course was nice to hear but I demurred bc the person who replaced me I have never worked with her and can't honestly comment on her capabilities. We then talked about his possible promotion and how my project 2 boss could react to Mr. MITs leadership. I made a gentle leadership grooming suggestion on Mr. Paranoid and I could tell he was going to run with it in real time. He might very well be running more than what shows on paper as the current leader is retiring.
I am really blessed to know this guy. He is probably one of the few people I have worked with who has a gift for people along with lots of whizzy degrees so you know he and Einstein would have probably gotten along well too. Of course this means I have a crush on him! I hope that division knows what a gift he is - if he does not get that promotion he will leave for another big job somewhere else. I like knowing he is around.
But the next 5 years I worked for a paranoid micromanager. This time I started learning about Codie boundaries, detaching and letting go at work. I was in purgatory paying for my Codie sins. This division had Mr. MIT who had given me a good reference. I had worked with him on a subcommittee of project 1. He was a very competent but funny guy. He popped over in my first few weeks on project 2 and we talked about our work and the economy. He warned me about my new boss in a careful way and told me to stick it out during the downturn. Which I am grateful I did. Many times I would go for a walk or hide up at the roof stairwell rather than lose my temper or act out of turn. I'd think about how people-wise Mr. MIT was and get back on track. I told my Codie self every day I did not own this project and it was not "my baby" it was my paranoid boss' baby so I did not mother the project or him.
One day Mr. MIT hosted a meeting for my old project with my old boss and team attending. I cleared out of the area for the day but got called in by Mr. MIT who seriously outranks me so I had to report. He thanked me in front of the team for all of my previous work! I was shocked. I looked at my old boss and he was livid as Mr. MIT had spoken out of turn and authority. It was a kind gesture. Since my name has been stripped from the records, that was my moment for 5 years of dedication. I adore Mr. MIT. He is one of my favorite people.
In year 3 of project 2 I knew I could not stay with this micromanager long term. I had to find something else to do. Mr. MIT kindly met with me to talk over a strong opportunity that had a lot of red flags. He shared some inside information in a very careful but intuitive way so I wound up staying in the he-- I was in rather than move to another likely he--.
In year 5 I brokered 2 transfer opportunities. I met briefly with Mr. MIT to thank him for all of his help and update him where I was going. He drove my karma bus again! He told me all the problems I had voiced on project 1 were correct at year 10. Instead of being validated, I told him I felt badly how I handled things. I told him what went down. He nodded and said I wondered what happened. He told me The project suffered after I left, which of course was nice to hear but I demurred bc the person who replaced me I have never worked with her and can't honestly comment on her capabilities. We then talked about his possible promotion and how my project 2 boss could react to Mr. MITs leadership. I made a gentle leadership grooming suggestion on Mr. Paranoid and I could tell he was going to run with it in real time. He might very well be running more than what shows on paper as the current leader is retiring.
I am really blessed to know this guy. He is probably one of the few people I have worked with who has a gift for people along with lots of whizzy degrees so you know he and Einstein would have probably gotten along well too. Of course this means I have a crush on him! I hope that division knows what a gift he is - if he does not get that promotion he will leave for another big job somewhere else. I like knowing he is around.
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I hate being controlled too. Most of the time I can remove myself from controllers, but if I cannot, I grin and bear it. I had a bossy co-worker once who I tried to talk with and she backpedaled and BSed me, so not much use there.
Have you talked with a therapist about your anxiety or reaction when you feel controlled? I know you have mentioned it before and I didn't know if it was an ongoing problem for you.
Have you talked with a therapist about your anxiety or reaction when you feel controlled? I know you have mentioned it before and I didn't know if it was an ongoing problem for you.
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ummm....I guess I communicated something incorrectly here :/, I don't have any anxiety about the situation. It was annoying and frustrating which I know my therapist would agree is a NORMAL reaction to someone like that...so no I'm not worried about really anything regarding this. But thanks anyway...and no not an ongoing problem...not a problem at all just a regular situation that comes up for I'm guessing many people at work, and is likewise frustrating for such many people. I just was noting my compassion for this woman and how her behavior affected others and seeing with a clear eye how maybe I used to be....I remember being that uptight and self righteous (I can't believe I was like that now but I know I was..I can see clearly how I used to come off to others - I'm glad I've worked on that and am moving forward 
).
I was just more seeing it as I may have been in the past and see how far I've come.
).I was just more seeing it as I may have been in the past and see how far I've come.
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Originally Posted by Aeryn 
ummm....I guess I communicated something incorrectly here :/, I don't have any anxiety about the situation. It was annoying and frustrating which I know my therapist would agree is a NORMAL reaction to someone like that...so no I'm not worried about really anything regarding this. But thanks anyway...and no not an ongoing problem...not a problem at all just a regular situation that comes up for I'm guessing many people at work, and is likewise frustrating for such many people. I just was noting my compassion for this woman and how her behavior affected others and seeing with a clear eye how maybe I used to be....I remember being that uptight and self righteous (I can't believe I was like that now but I know I was..I can see clearly how I used to come off to others - I'm glad I've worked on that and am moving forward ).
I was just more seeing it as I may have been in the past and see how far I've come.
).I was just more seeing it as I may have been in the past and see how far I've come.
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Have I told you guys lately that I love you???
I am so glad I opened this post. I have to go see my parents in a couple of weeks, and I adore them, love them to bits, they've always been my rocks and had my backs... but they are both raving codependents. And I've said that, and thought it, but I somehow never made the connection that that is why my mom is driving me absolutely bonkers. I mean, I'm almost 50 years old for crying out loud and she is calling me and telling me what to pack for the weather they're having!??!
And I honestly thing one of the reasons I moved away from my home town was to get away from that. From the well-meaning advice on everything. From the inquisitive questions about everything. From the shift in tone and voice when I've done something that she finds displeasing or outright stupid.
So I guess now the question is -- I know how to be a codie and how to recover from being one. But how the hell do you DEAL WITH one??? That, I don't know!
I am so glad I opened this post. I have to go see my parents in a couple of weeks, and I adore them, love them to bits, they've always been my rocks and had my backs... but they are both raving codependents. And I've said that, and thought it, but I somehow never made the connection that that is why my mom is driving me absolutely bonkers. I mean, I'm almost 50 years old for crying out loud and she is calling me and telling me what to pack for the weather they're having!??!
And I honestly thing one of the reasons I moved away from my home town was to get away from that. From the well-meaning advice on everything. From the inquisitive questions about everything. From the shift in tone and voice when I've done something that she finds displeasing or outright stupid.
So I guess now the question is -- I know how to be a codie and how to recover from being one. But how the hell do you DEAL WITH one??? That, I don't know!
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I thought about this post a lot last night and decided that you probably deal with codies the way you do addicts: You detach and mind your own business. If they step over the line, you redraw the line for them and point it out.
Just like you did with your coworker, Aeryn.
Just like you did with your coworker, Aeryn.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
My bad. I remembered a post or thread from a couple months back where you mentioned your mom (a minister?) being controlling. I thought you said control triggers you because of her. Maybe I am wrong. Sorry about that.
lmao My mother a minister...wow that's funny. Yeah..no. LOL!! That gave me a good laugh for today.Just some insight about me - I don't come here for advice I really just come to share ESH and get it off my chest (it's very therapeutic to get out the feelings rather than hold them in). I ask if I want advice otherwise I don't.
ESH and similar experiences - yeah great, advice...ehh...I have lots of support IRL and those people know me well enough to just listen and empathize because I like to experience things myself and listen to my inner self (recently discovered) as I move forward.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I thought about this post a lot last night and decided that you probably deal with codies the way you do addicts: You detach and mind your own business. If they step over the line, you redraw the line for them and point it out.
Just like you did with your coworker, Aeryn.
Just like you did with your coworker, Aeryn.
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You're giving me courage, friend!
I'm currently dealing with a situation at work (I work with a lot of younger people and they decided to have a drinking party on company time last week when the boss was out of town). I didn't participate, and when asked not to tell the boss, I told them I wouldn't, but that they had lost a lot of professional respect in my eyes, partying on paid time and behind the boss's back.
That was DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone. And I wouldn't have said anything if they hadn't come into my office. But now, they're all passive-aggressively avoding me -- I kid you not, not a single person has said a single word to me for three days! In the old codie days, that would have given me an anxiety attack. Now, I feel like "yay! more undisturbed time to work!"
I'm currently dealing with a situation at work (I work with a lot of younger people and they decided to have a drinking party on company time last week when the boss was out of town). I didn't participate, and when asked not to tell the boss, I told them I wouldn't, but that they had lost a lot of professional respect in my eyes, partying on paid time and behind the boss's back.
That was DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone. And I wouldn't have said anything if they hadn't come into my office. But now, they're all passive-aggressively avoding me -- I kid you not, not a single person has said a single word to me for three days! In the old codie days, that would have given me an anxiety attack. Now, I feel like "yay! more undisturbed time to work!"
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Well she got canned! I guess I wasn't the only one she was getting to...the boss didn't like being passive aggressively called inferior either.
I gotta say this is my BIGGEST challenge left in my recovery - dealing with controlling, passive-aggressive untreated codependents. The passive-aggressive really gets me because it's so "fake"...recently I dealt with someone "helping" me but really they were puffing up themselves if that makes sense. And at my other job (my main job not the one I started this thread about) my boss tried to manipulate me into doing something, I used to be their grunt before my recovery and they just don't like that I don't do all the work anymore.
I try to stay away from these type of people the best I can but sometimes you can't avoid it. I will say I've gotten much better at speaking my truth and standing up for myself rather than sitting there "playing nice" and "faking" it's ok. Now if I could just avoid the feelings that go with dealing with all that...LOL...I guess that's the point of recovery, I have to feel them making me feel used, controlled and inferior and not hold it in...so I guess I'm doing that. And I suppose the more I do it the easier it will get.
lilamy - in my second job I work with a lot of young guys...they do stupid stuff like you describe sometimes, what I've found in my experience is the best thing about young guys is usually they get over stuff fast...what I do when I have a confrontation with the younger guys is I just start talking to them again and move forward, usually that works...now with the younger girls I work with that's much harder to do (what is it with us girls LOL?).
I gotta say this is my BIGGEST challenge left in my recovery - dealing with controlling, passive-aggressive untreated codependents. The passive-aggressive really gets me because it's so "fake"...recently I dealt with someone "helping" me but really they were puffing up themselves if that makes sense. And at my other job (my main job not the one I started this thread about) my boss tried to manipulate me into doing something, I used to be their grunt before my recovery and they just don't like that I don't do all the work anymore.
I try to stay away from these type of people the best I can but sometimes you can't avoid it. I will say I've gotten much better at speaking my truth and standing up for myself rather than sitting there "playing nice" and "faking" it's ok. Now if I could just avoid the feelings that go with dealing with all that...LOL...I guess that's the point of recovery, I have to feel them making me feel used, controlled and inferior and not hold it in...so I guess I'm doing that. And I suppose the more I do it the easier it will get.
lilamy - in my second job I work with a lot of young guys...they do stupid stuff like you describe sometimes, what I've found in my experience is the best thing about young guys is usually they get over stuff fast...what I do when I have a confrontation with the younger guys is I just start talking to them again and move forward, usually that works...now with the younger girls I work with that's much harder to do (what is it with us girls LOL?).
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