I need to vent for a second

Old 04-05-2014, 10:57 PM
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Stung, I feel your pain. BTDT alone for the past 14 years with three babies who have grown in to teens/young adults. It is exhausting and overwhelming. When they were tiny, I had to learn to let a lot of things go (house just wasn't going to be spotless all the time, meals had to be kept simple, the girls' hair and outfits didn't have to perfect, etc.) I still got stressed way too much, and I now have serious regrets about not just living in the moment with them more often. I wish I would have said 'yes' to them more often, and just played and had more fun with them. I was so enmeshed in running the show, trying to hold everything together, that I checked out of the fun department for too long. Makes me sad to think about it now. Really sad, actually. Too much control on my part.

You do need 'you' time! Guilt-free 'you' time. You've been dealt an involuntary hand of single parenthood. You've shifted gears into running the show single-handedly, and I think maybe your brain is having a hard time entertaining the idea that it's okay to give up control and enjoy yourself. After all parenthood is about sacrifice, especially when you do it alone. But, girl, if you don't allow yourself to have some fun and treat yourself to something, you really aren't doing your kids any favors. Those babies need mom to be happy and as stress-free as possible. Some chill time does the soul good. Take care of you.
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Old 04-06-2014, 04:34 AM
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When I get like that, it is because I think I do not deserve the break or the me time.
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Old 04-06-2014, 04:46 AM
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It sounds to me like you are running yourself ragged trying to meet the "neediness" expectations of your kids. My mom says either the adult runs the house or the kids do - kind of sounds like your situation is the latter. Perhaps there is some latent guilt regarding your situation? Are you trying to make up for Dad not being there and feeling like you owe it to them to give them the attention of a two parent household?

I watched my brother and his wife exhaust themselves with their first child trying to do this very thing. She wouldn't take naps, she would stay up late, they would get up several times a night because she would cry, she ended up in bed with them most nights - she ran the household. They were zombies most of the time just so exhausted. When my SIL got pregnant with their second child something had to change, so they decided THEY would run the household not my niece. In about a weeks time she was taking naps, stopped waking them up all night and no longer slept in their bed. It was a VERY tough week; however, everyone was happier and healthier. Same thing when they started her at school - she cried and screamed and they ended up picking her up. Then they stopped - niece adapted pretty quickly. When a child gets used to you running to them every time they want something oh boy, that's a bad place to be in.

There is nothing wrong with you needing your time you NEED it! There is also nothing wrong with children learning to entertain themselves and saying no to them sometimes when they want your attention. A regular sitter would be a great thing for you once or twice a week. If Dad is coming over on the weekends take advantage and LEAVE.
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Old 04-06-2014, 06:09 AM
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Dear Stung----I don't know if this applies to your situation at all.....but, I can remember some situations in my life where I had built up some strong resentments against another person---feeling very strongly that they were the "bad" one and I was the "good" one.

Then, if that person did something nice or generous toward me---I felt oddly uncomfortable of responding with gratitude--like I was angry that they had poked a hole in my strong image of them as completely and thoroughly "bad".

(If I hate you...for God's sake don't do anything that might make me like you)....LOL.

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Old 04-06-2014, 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
Thanks, Liz. I'm so sorry for your sister. That must be really hard.

I think I am doing some serious self sabotaging and keep looking for excuses everywhere, only I'm the real reason that I'm not happy at this point.

I have access to good child care. As of today, my husband is willing to watch the girls on the weekends, either both or at least one of them (having only one tot is infinitely easier than both at the same time), for at least a few hours every Saturday and Sunday…I'm the only one standing in my way. My husband told me today that I can head to the gym solo tomorrow morning as soon as he gets here. My response was "okay, maybe." What a dumbass I am! Then he suggested that I go get a pedicure, which really does sound amazingly relaxing but I'm really hesitant and oddly worried about treating myself. I. Don't. Understand.
Oh, I definitely understand Stung. A few things (in addition to everything above) occur to me reading your post this morning.

When I FINALLY saw my needs in recovery & started to juggle it into my life routine, I started running into exactly this type of scenario. Part of it was that I simply needed a helluva lot more time for myself than ever before because there was so much going on in my head all of the time. When I would get a break, I would spin circles not knowing which direction to go with the limited time I did have. Getting just an hour sometimes was more frustrating than no time at all, kwim? I felt like by the time I immersed myself into relaxing & detaching from life enough to truly relax, my time would be up & I wouldn't have actually enjoyed the time I'd spent as much as I expected. So then sometimes I would do the opposite - spend those couple of hours catching up on chores or whatever I'd been lagging on, thinking that I would feel more centered being "caught up".... major fail emotionally.

I had to finally just start an activity that was scheduled (I did my weekly reiki circle) because then I forced myself to change the routine. I knew I could change it or drop it anytime, it was about challenging myself to do something different & build my time into the family schedule the same way that DD's drama practice, RAH's band practice, etc. were part of the routine. I was previously just settling for "whenever" and then it occurred to me that THAT was pretty blurry in terms of boundaries. That was hard - I was really used to putting myself last ***cough*martyr*cough*}. Because it really was ME putting Myself last..... neither RAH nor DD was doing that. Even if they contributed to it over time, it started with me accepting it & then allowing it to be part of our "normal". None of my friends or family has EVER hesitated to babysit when I've asked, I was the one not asking in a straight-forward way.

With babies as young as yours, it's even more challenging, so I get that. One thing that I can promise you though - even DD recognizes that mom needs her "FireSprite Time" as she puts it, and encourages me to take it when new activities pop up. She's old enough that I was able to sit her down & explain how my time is mine to not be a wife, a mom, etc. She sees the difference in me when I go too long without that time too, I get more short tempered, I start letting old codie habits creep up... it's almost exactly the way RAH is when he goes too long in between meetings or talking with his AA friends. My cycle just takes longer to get to a critical point & by then I b.l.o.w. u.p.

Your DD's are too young to verbalize this to you, but there is no doubt that they feel it exactly the same way. I think that every one of us does a better job as a parent when we prioritize our own needs.
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Old 04-06-2014, 06:21 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I was previously just settling for "whenever" and then it occurred to me that THAT was pretty blurry in terms of boundaries.
I do want to clarify - there are DEFINITELY times when we have to settle for "whenever" & "however" we codies get our time, but for me that's not sustainable long-term. I can & do handle it that way during crisis times but otherwise my time had to be scheduled/prioritized so that *I* could start learning that I deserved it. It is part of how I am training myself to reverse that old script in my head. I'm not sure it's something everyone necessarily feels.
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Old 04-06-2014, 06:54 AM
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You're all hitting on points that ring very true for me (…I say this typing from my bed with both kids in it watching cartoons…5:45 AM wake up call anyone, we'll go bake breakfast and get our day started at 7:00 like other non nocturnal creatures).

When a child gets used to you running to them every time they want something oh boy, that's a bad place to be in.
I'm in this place right now with my 2 year old and it is something that I have been so completely against since I became a parent. I just was so exhausted from dealing with the alcoholic drama and then baby DD was born and since then I've been letting DD2 have her way more often than I should. I'm trying to back peddle with her now, but that takes much more effort than letting her have her way. Even worse, when RAH is here he really lets her walk all over him because he feels guilty for being away. We're in some bad cycles in this regard.

Then, if that person did something nice or generous toward me---I felt oddly uncomfortable of responding with gratitude--like I was angry that they had poked a hole in my strong image of them as completely and thoroughly "bad".
This is also me, and I'm struggling with this. My husband, for all intents and purposes, is being a really good guy lately. I'll be honest though, I'm afraid to enjoy and take advantage of it. It's leaving me with this weird feeling now though that he's getting a lot better and now I'm stuck. I think I need to just take advantage of things as they are - good - and stop being afraid that they're going to change - bad. The only bad in this family at the moment is from me, to me, caused by me.

Firesprite, last night I actually found a bit you wrote that was spot on for me:

"So why do I seem to NEED this justification? All that does is allow me to move forward in anger.... It's completely unfair to RAH at this point - it's the equivalence of holding a resentment until I'm good & ready to use it as ammo against him. Not cool. Not the way I live my life consciously. And on top of it, he totally supports me doing this. Then it hit me like lightning - of COURSE!

In my healing I have acknowledged that I do not deserve to be treated badly, but I haven't quite gotten far enough to feel deserving of the good either. I'm caught somewhere in the middle - and it occurs to me that taking this thought a step farther - feeling "deserving" is a hair off from feeling "worthy". This has happened every. single. time. that I am faced with a situation that allows me to indulge in something frivolous, no matter how big or small of a "thing" it is... and as soon as I can't "justify" it in my mind I start self-sabotaging & poor-me'ing all over the place. I can't seem to accept good things without strings attached (especially if they are indulgent) OR that sometimes things don't need to be rationalized - they just ARE. I don't have all of the pieces worked out just yet - it's really just coming together in my head since this morning, but I know it ties in to my FOO issues as an ACoA as well….."
I am poor me-ing like crazy right now. Poor single mom me. While it is challenging, I do have some opportunities here to give myself what I need and I am just not taking the opportunities.

I was reading a little bit about self sabotage and to my MAJOR shock and revelation, shopping is a huge self sabotage theme (I shop and "treat" myself with shopping all the time, funny that all that shopping isn't really making me feel any better even though I tell myself it is. I'm just stuffing my closets grossly beyond capacity) and I feel no hesitation about buying myself "stuff" but I feel guilty at the idea of getting a $20 pedicure. [And I've kind of previously noticed earlier this week that I've been shopping more than really necessary this week and last and funny how I'm feeling like crap right now. I'm trying to feel better in a way that doesn't help anything at all and completely ignoring what I really do need. Self sabotage.]

Today, I'm going to go force myself to go get a pedicure and then go take a yoga class and then sit in the steam room. Because I KNOW that happy mom = happy kids but I'm not practicing what I so often preach. Time to make some ch-ch-ch-changes.

Thank you again, peeps. Seriously don't know what I would do without you guys!
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:07 AM
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I think I need to go back & read some of my old posts, lol.

Interesting because NOW after reading that, I absolutely remember that feeling. It's funny to me that as I progress and close chapters of healing, I often forget allllll of the baby steps I went through to get to where I am.

SR is invaluable to me in terms of journaling & reminding myself of my journey. I know that I often tell others to go back & read old posts & the truth is that I often do the same. I search out old posts based on what I am dealing with by key words because there is a wealth of knowledge buried in the archives by members that no longer post regularly.... and I re-read all of my posts specifically when I am reminding myself of my progress.

Enjoy your steam, sounds perfect for a Sunday!
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:10 AM
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Stung---I suspect that you are very accurate that these issues---like buying stuff over the pedicure kind of thing---has it's seeds somewhere in your FOO. good fodder for your therapy sessions...LOL.

We ALL bring patterns from our FOO.

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Old 04-06-2014, 07:11 AM
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That little nugget was in this thread. Firesprite, a lot of your older stuff really resonates with me!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uled-fear.html
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
You're all hitting on points that ring very true for me (…I say this typing from my bed with both kids in it watching cartoons…5:45 AM wake up call anyone, we'll go bake breakfast and get our day started at 7:00 like other non nocturnal creatures).



I'm in this place right now with my 2 year old and it is something that I have been so completely against since I became a parent. I just was so exhausted from dealing with the alcoholic drama and then baby DD was born and since then I've been letting DD2 have her way more often than I should. I'm trying to back peddle with her now, but that takes much more effort than letting her have her way. Even worse, when RAH is here he really lets her walk all over him because he feels guilty for being away. We're in some bad cycles in this regard.



This is also me, and I'm struggling with this. My husband, for all intents and purposes, is being a really good guy lately. I'll be honest though, I'm afraid to enjoy and take advantage of it. It's leaving me with this weird feeling now though that he's getting a lot better and now I'm stuck. I think I need to just take advantage of things as they are - good - and stop being afraid that they're going to change - bad. The only bad in this family at the moment is from me, to me, caused by me.

Firesprite, last night I actually found a bit you wrote that was spot on for me:



I am poor me-ing like crazy right now. Poor single mom me. While it is challenging, I do have some opportunities here to give myself what I need and I am just not taking the opportunities.

I was reading a little bit about self sabotage and to my MAJOR shock and revelation, shopping is a huge self sabotage theme (I shop and "treat" myself with shopping all the time, funny that all that shopping isn't really making me feel any better even though I tell myself it is. I'm just stuffing my closets grossly beyond capacity) and I feel no hesitation about buying myself "stuff" but I feel guilty at the idea of getting a $20 pedicure. [And I've kind of previously noticed earlier this week that I've been shopping more than really necessary this week and last and funny how I'm feeling like crap right now. I'm trying to feel better in a way that doesn't help anything at all and completely ignoring what I really do need. Self sabotage.]

Today, I'm going to go force myself to go get a pedicure and then go take a yoga class and then sit in the steam room. Because I KNOW that happy mom = happy kids but I'm not practicing what I so often preach. Time to make some ch-ch-ch-changes.

Thank you again, peeps. Seriously don't know what I would do without you guys!
I have caught myself buying lots of extra stuff that I think I need or will make me feel better/complete/relief. Unfortunately, it never does and I have guilt about spending. I have to think about things now and always wait or delay purchases not immediately necessary to see if I really want whatever it is later on. I have also found that I actually get a much better sense of satisfaction from "event" type purchases such as a trip or a massage than from goods.
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:20 AM
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That wasn't so long ago, I remember now. Update is, that post was about taking DD on a surprise trip to Disney for that weekend.... I did and it was . freaking, fracking amazing for both of us. Not only were the bonding moments and memories we made nothing less than perfect, I proved a LOT to myself by taking that step. And I kept getting signs & validations all weekend that I was doing right by me. One of the best things I've done for myself in many ways!
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:42 AM
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Stung,

Well look at you! I think you are piecing more of your thing with things together!

Enjoy today!
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
You're all hitting on points that ring very true for me (…I say this typing from my bed with both kids in it watching cartoons…5:45 AM wake up call anyone, we'll go bake breakfast and get our day started at 7:00 like other non nocturnal creatures).



I'm in this place right now with my 2 year old and it is something that I have been so completely against since I became a parent. I just was so exhausted from dealing with the alcoholic drama and then baby DD was born and since then I've been letting DD2 have her way more often than I should. I'm trying to back peddle with her now, but that takes much more effort than letting her have her way. Even worse, when RAH is here he really lets her walk all over him because he feels guilty for being away. We're in some bad cycles in this regard.



This is also me, and I'm struggling with this. My husband, for all intents and purposes, is being a really good guy lately. I'll be honest though, I'm afraid to enjoy and take advantage of it. It's leaving me with this weird feeling now though that he's getting a lot better and now I'm stuck. I think I need to just take advantage of things as they are - good - and stop being afraid that they're going to change - bad. The only bad in this family at the moment is from me, to me, caused by me.

Firesprite, last night I actually found a bit you wrote that was spot on for me:



I am poor me-ing like crazy right now. Poor single mom me. While it is challenging, I do have some opportunities here to give myself what I need and I am just not taking the opportunities.

I was reading a little bit about self sabotage and to my MAJOR shock and revelation, shopping is a huge self sabotage theme (I shop and "treat" myself with shopping all the time, funny that all that shopping isn't really making me feel any better even though I tell myself it is. I'm just stuffing my closets grossly beyond capacity) and I feel no hesitation about buying myself "stuff" but I feel guilty at the idea of getting a $20 pedicure. [And I've kind of previously noticed earlier this week that I've been shopping more than really necessary this week and last and funny how I'm feeling like crap right now. I'm trying to feel better in a way that doesn't help anything at all and completely ignoring what I really do need. Self sabotage.]

Today, I'm going to go force myself to go get a pedicure and then go take a yoga class and then sit in the steam room. Because I KNOW that happy mom = happy kids but I'm not practicing what I so often preach. Time to make some ch-ch-ch-changes.

Thank you again, peeps. Seriously don't know what I would do without you guys!
UH Oh, you just called me out on my bad habit that I've been battling for a few months now: SHOPPING! I went to dinner with an Al Anon friend last night and I shared with her how I am overshopping and stuffing my closet with stuff that I really don't need, albeit the stuff is quite cute and trendy, LOL.

I have to be honest with myself and about my justifications as to why I was doing what I was doing:
1. If my marriage doesn't work out and I wind up single with no income I won't be able to buy clothes so I better stock up now just in case I meet someone else.
Reality check: UMM, I'm in no position emotionally to even consider being in another relationship so why am I preparing for one when I'm still MARRIED, DUH!

Justification 2:
If I wind up single, I may have to interview and that requires decent dress shoes, pretty blouses to go with my suits, etc. I don't want to be stuck not having anything to wear to an interview or to a new job.
Reality check 2: I may not find a job that requires dress clothes or the type of clothing I am purchasing. I have plenty of friends my size and could possibly borrow clothes for interviews, etc.

Reality check again: What if I gain or lose weight drastically? Then all that money spent on the clothes goes out the window and I have to start all over again!

Justification 3:
Sometimes shopping is just a big F U to my AH. If he finds it acceptable to spend 40 bucks at the bar every night he's traveling, then why can't I spend 40 bucks on a pair of shorts and a few blouses, right?

Reality check...AGAIN: What's my motive? Am I really trying to screw my husband over or am I just shopping to fill a void? And, that's where the introspection and self reflection come in. I am working on this particular issue this month actually so it really struck a chord with me. Sorry for going off topic on your thread, Stung, but my head was screaming,"OMG, me too! And, I know I need to address it, too!!!"

I hope you enjoy your pedicure and yoga, too!! I got my toes done yesterday and it was worth it. I also went to yoga a few days ago, then went on a brutal difficult hike on Friday and I'm still sore. I need to find a yoga class again today, LOL.
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Old 04-06-2014, 08:33 AM
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Stung - thank you for bringing up the point on "self medicating" - for me its not shopping it eating. When stressed I will reach for the sugar - doughnuts, cake, cookies.

Been doing it all week with my stressful situation at work. Up 3 lbs already and feeling yuck. Stopping this now. A pedicure a much better option for relaxation.
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